Child of Dysfunction

[HopeInHim]

In the church it sometimes feels like I am constantly reminded of the importance of family. I suppose it is easier for those who have had a good experience of “family” to express their opinions. Unfortunately I was not blessed in that way. If there is a top 5% of dysfunctional and estranged families, mine would be in it.

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive. There was a lot of screaming and name calling in my house. Sometimes as a child the injustice just felt like too much and I would stand up to my father and tell him he was being a bad person. He was the kind of man who would bring us to church with a fake smile on his face, then come home and be angry and abusive. My parents finally divorced around when I graduated from high school. My father quickly remarried a woman with drug addiction and many personality problems. He was always trying to coerce me into being in a relationship with the “step mother” I never trusted. There is a lot of craziness to that story which I won’t go into, including lots of lies and bad behavior towards me, but my father and that woman eventually ended up divorced. My father (a man in his upper 70s) now has a woman in her 40s living with him. There has been too much abuse and disregard over the course of my life to continue having a relationship with my father who in his pride refuses to admit any wrongdoing on his part or any harm done to me. On the contrary, he uses spiritual abuse and Bible verses to try to attack and shame me into thinking I’m a bad Christian for wanting to distance myself from his bad decisions. I used to try to maintain a relationship of superficial politeness. I can’t do it anymore, and I can’t endorse his decision to live with the newest woman who is 35 years younger.

My mother is a person who is living in complete dysfunction and denial. I have an older brother who is “mentally ill”. I’ll just say that there were questions about the diagnosis from the beginning. Schizophrenia? Social anxiety? Or whatever else the psychiatrist could come up with to put a label on the dysfunction. Looking back, I really have to wonder if the issues had far more to do with the way he was raised (lack of a father due to our fathers emotional abuse and absenteeism, lack of good parenting and guidance in general from both my mother and my father). My brother would have angry and violent fits when I was a teenager and there were times when I would be kicked and hit just for trying to go into the kitchen to get some food because he would be downstairs watching TV and didn’t want anyone around. He dropped out of high school and never went out on his own. My mother went off with him to live in the middle of nowhere and my adult brother lives with her and is 100% supported by her to this day. I tried to have what bit of relationship I could with my mother for many years- until conversations would come up about what would happen to my brother after her death. She insinuated that it is my responsibility to take care of the situation that was created with him. Like, I am supposed to take an adult mentally ill man who has never worked a job, who I have no relationship with, and who has been prone to violent and angry fits of rage in the past into my own tiny 2 bedroom home with my husband? When I have suggested that this is unreasonable my mother has tried to shame me into believing I’m a terrible person. My mother says she is a devout Christian. She doesn’t have any real relationships in her life that I know of, other than my brother. There is nobody who will challenge or question her regarding the way she is living, that I know of.  I think she sees herself and my brother as victims - “widowed and orphaned” so to speak - herself and my older brother, respectively. The irony is that my brother, now in his 40s, has been living under the care and support of my mother for his whole life. He is not mentally disabled in the sense of having Down Syndrome or anything of that sort. He has always been mentally functional and intelligent, other than the severe emotional and behavioral problems. So if anyone were to be characterized as an orphan, wouldn’t it be me?

I don’t feel that it is possible to have a relationship with my mother or my father anymore under these circumstances. I try to figure out how to have a Christian attitude toward them but how can one go on like this when the “adults in the room” take no responsibility for their choices and want to lay all of the consequences of their poor decisions on my shoulders? My life has been hard too… I feel like an orphan and have been very much on my own for most of my life. I had a period of almost being homeless after high school because I was abruptly forced out of the home I grew up in due to my older brother not being safe to be around. I sometimes wonder how I even got out of that house I was raised in as a child as a relatively well-functioning adult. Is it possible to even try to have relationships with people like this?

Thank you for reading this.

[Michael37]

10 hours ago, HopeInHim said:

Is it possible to even try to have relationships with people like this?

 One of the definitions of masochism is a willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. In fact some people derive pleasure from being humiliated and mistreated either by others or by themselves.

Personally I don't think it glorifies God or edifies us to remain in relationships that have the following sinful, pernicious and spiritually harmful characteristics:

• Domination
• Intimidation
• Manipulation
• Seduction 

Rom 6:16  Know you not, that to whom you yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants you are to whom you obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?

[Justin Adams]

10 hours ago, HopeInHim said:

Is it possible to even try to have relationships with people like this?

From what you have recounted I think distance is the only option. Live your life well and without regrets. People who are hurt hurt others. Never be backed into a corner of guilt.

Live your life yourself. No one else needs to live it thru you or for you.

Be Blessed.

[Kelly2363]

16 hours ago, HopeInHim said:

In the church it sometimes feels like I am constantly reminded of the importance of family. I suppose it is easier for those who have had a good experience of “family” to express their opinions. Unfortunately I was not blessed in that way. If there is a top 5% of dysfunctional and estranged families, mine would be in it.

 

There is a lot more people in that top 5 percent than we know Sister.

I work in special needs care (paid work) and in ministry (unpaid) and have done since 1979. When I was 18 years old I found myself working on a male adolescent ward in a large mental health hospital set in its own grounds and literally felt a desperate need to understand why these men were so debilitated. Looking back I knew almost nothing - but realise now that the one thing I did have was compassion.

By contrast my own childhood was exceptionally harmful and my father and mother were cruel physically and mentally. So by the time I was seven - like your older brother - I was seeing a psychiatrist and by the time I was ten I was in special needs care myself. 

Within less than one year of being married I had a severely cognitively and physically disabled child to look after and to make sense of with my wife.

In ministry work I have been astonished at just how much abuse and harm people have endured in their lives - from very elderly men and women right down to children.

I have sat with an elderly sister (as an example) having fellowship and she has suddenly started to confess sins from her own young life of such a stark character that I have at once been fearful that in some way my own sins would escape me and I would begin to imagine myself better than her. One time a man who was feared by many in the community began telling me his childhood traumas and I was left in tears. I simply asked if I could pray for him and he threw himself onto his knees and opened his heart. Two months ago he came to me and said that he needed to confess his own sins because there were things that he had not told me when I asked of his childhood. And so I told him that I trusted him no less now than I did when I first knew him.

I would say Sister that it is the relationship we have with others that determines what our God given response ought to be to their lives. To our parents we should honour them. That means first and foremost praying for them and asking the Lord to deliver them and to bring them to a sound mind. To our siblings that means praying for them and if at all possible to share with them how we feel. But to do anymore than that is to usurp our own father and mother. To our own family (in your case your husband) then we can speak freely and openly in the privacy of our own lives.

Compassion may be absent with our father and mother and with our siblings - but it can never be absent for the stranger in our midst. I found it an easy thing to care for men who were severely brain injured from birth and to do so with an almost child like simplicity. I have found that my father and mother caused me to stumble and one time made me unspeakably angry with God. My own older brother told me one time that all the beatings and punishments I had endured as a child - were his disobedience. He made light of it - and never did sense just what he had done.  

It isn't possible to remedy things that were out of your power as a child - now that you are a woman. The real issue is the apportionment of the Father and that is established by our being children, siblings or parents. So when you feel sensitive to the testimony of your fellow believers in the church regarding the importance of family life - you can simple acknowledge it with an Amen and then get on with your own life as the wife of your husband without being troubled at all. Let the Father take care of your mother and your brother. Let your natural father bear the consequence of his disobedience in the timing of God. 

In Christ

[BK1110]

I would say witness to them. Tell them the reason for the hope that is in you, and encourage them that only Jesus can save them, same as you. Tell them you're always willing to talk about it and not to hesitate to come to you if they are legitimately interested. At that point, if they reject it and you, leave them to God. Go about your life, praying each day that God moves in their hearts. You do not need to continually allow them to beat you down if they are completely unrepentant. Carry on with your new family; fellow believers and heirs to the kingdom!

[HopeInHim]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my situation. I have no willingness or desire to subject myself to continued mistreatment. That is why I have separated myself from my family for these last several years. I guess I just find myself feeling a lot of judgment (from everywhere) for it, and I am always having to struggle with self doubt. I guess it also feels that as an adult, all of the dysfunction and the feeling of loss of having no loving earthly parents is weighing more heavily on me. Neither of my parents have made any attempt to seek me out and reconcile in any way or express a desire for a relationship. I suppose maybe I should take that as a sign that the relationship didn’t mean that much to them anyways.
 

I also think one of the hardest parts for me is the fact that both parents see themselves as Christians and somehow righteous in their behavior. When I expressed to my father that I could not be involved with his bad decisions any longer, he told me that if I’m a Christian as I claim to be I should read Matthew Chapter 7. My mother is a born again Christian and seems to see herself as an innocent martyr. If her relationship with God is sincere I don’t understand how  she could not be convicted by being so cruel as to tell me I’m a terrible and selfish person for not agreeing to take on the full responsibility of caring for my adult mentally disturbed brother. She has made no attempt that I know of to make any plans or arrangements for what will happen to him after her death. She has just lived in complete denial of the situation and I guess figures it will be my problem to figure out after her death? 

[HopeInHim]

On 8/15/2021 at 11:23 AM, Kelly2363 said:

 

There is a lot more people in that top 5 percent than we know Sister.

I work in special needs care (paid work) and in ministry (unpaid) and have done since 1979. When I was 18 years old I found myself working on a male adolescent ward in a large mental health hospital set in its own grounds and literally felt a desperate need to understand why these men were so debilitated. Looking back I knew almost nothing - but realise now that the one thing I did have was compassion.

By contrast my own childhood was exceptionally harmful and my father and mother were cruel physically and mentally. So by the time I was seven - like your older brother - I was seeing a psychiatrist and by the time I was ten I was in special needs care myself. 

Within less than one year of being married I had a severely cognitively and physically disabled child to look after and to make sense of with my wife.

In ministry work I have been astonished at just how much abuse and harm people have endured in their lives - from very elderly men and women right down to children.

I have sat with an elderly sister (as an example) having fellowship and she has suddenly started to confess sins from her own young life of such a stark character that I have at once been fearful that in some way my own sins would escape me and I would begin to imagine myself better than her. One time a man who was feared by many in the community began telling me his childhood traumas and I was left in tears. I simply asked if I could pray for him and he threw himself onto his knees and opened his heart. Two months ago he came to me and said that he needed to confess his own sins because there were things that he had not told me when I asked of his childhood. And so I told him that I trusted him no less now than I did when I first knew him.

I would say Sister that it is the relationship we have with others that determines what our God given response ought to be to their lives. To our parents we should honour them. That means first and foremost praying for them and asking the Lord to deliver them and to bring them to a sound mind. To our siblings that means praying for them and if at all possible to share with them how we feel. But to do anymore than that is to usurp our own father and mother. To our own family (in your case your husband) then we can speak freely and openly in the privacy of our own lives.

Compassion may be absent with our father and mother and with our siblings - but it can never be absent for the stranger in our midst. I found it an easy thing to care for men who were severely brain injured from birth and to do so with an almost child like simplicity. I have found that my father and mother caused me to stumble and one time made me unspeakably angry with God. My own older brother told me one time that all the beatings and punishments I had endured as a child - were his disobedience. He made light of it - and never did sense just what he had done.  

It isn't possible to remedy things that were out of your power as a child - now that you are a woman. The real issue is the apportionment of the Father and that is established by our being children, siblings or parents. So when you feel sensitive to the testimony of your fellow believers in the church regarding the importance of family life - you can simple acknowledge it with an Amen and then get on with your own life as the wife of your husband without being troubled at all. Let the Father take care of your mother and your brother. Let your natural father bear the consequence of his disobedience in the timing of God. 

In Christ

Your words were especially comforting to me. Thank you. 

[HopeInHim]

On 8/15/2021 at 4:00 AM, Justin Adams said:

From what you have recounted I think distance is the only option. Live your life well and without regrets. People who are hurt hurt others. Never be backed into a corner of guilt.

Live your life yourself. No one else needs to live it thru you or for you.

Be Blessed.

Thank you for the encouragement. 

[HopeInHim]

On 8/15/2021 at 12:44 PM, BK1110 said:

I would say witness to them. Tell them the reason for the hope that is in you, and encourage them that only Jesus can save them, same as you. Tell them you're always willing to talk about it and not to hesitate to come to you if they are legitimately interested. At that point, if they reject it and you, leave them to God. Go about your life, praying each day that God moves in their hearts. You do not need to continually allow them to beat you down if they are completely unrepentant. Carry on with your new family; fellow believers and heirs to the kingdom!

I think my struggle with the first part is that both of my parents already see themselves as sincere Christians and don’t seem to doubt their behavior at all.

[Kelly2363]

10 hours ago, HopeInHim said:

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my situation. I have no willingness or desire to subject myself to continued mistreatment. That is why I have separated myself from my family for these last several years. I guess I just find myself feeling a lot of judgment (from everywhere) for it, and I am always having to struggle with self doubt. I guess it also feels that as an adult, all of the dysfunction and the feeling of loss of having no loving earthly parents is weighing more heavily on me. Neither of my parents have made any attempt to seek me out and reconcile in any way or express a desire for a relationship. I suppose maybe I should take that as a sign that the relationship didn’t mean that much to them anyways.
 

I also think one of the hardest parts for me is the fact that both parents see themselves as Christians and somehow righteous in their behavior. When I expressed to my father that I could not be involved with his bad decisions any longer, he told me that if I’m a Christian as I claim to be I should read Matthew Chapter 7. My mother is a born again Christian and seems to see herself as an innocent martyr. If her relationship with God is sincere I don’t understand how  she could not be convicted by being so cruel as to tell me I’m a terrible and selfish person for not agreeing to take on the full responsibility of caring for my adult mentally disturbed brother. She has made no attempt that I know of to make any plans or arrangements for what will happen to him after her death. She has just lived in complete denial of the situation and I guess figures it will be my problem to figure out after her death? 

 

I read the Matthew 7 advise your father gave you because I was wondering what it was that he was saying to you. Reading it now I can see that he was likely inciting a sense of your failing in some way - but that is a foolish premise because you are his daughter and not his mother. One of my favourite verses in the Scripture comes from that passage.

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! V11

This whole passage is written for parents and not for children - it is written to incite a proper spiritual meaning and allude to natural facts of parenting in reflection that God is clearly more "good" than we are - and yet we can for all that do good things. Of course the passage is intensely pertinent to how parents walk. Jesus wasn't concerned about children other than to tell the disciples that they are more fit for the kingdom of heaven than are many others who are adults.

In verse eleven I see that Jesus is simply getting straight to the point. He tells them that they are evil - and yet they can do good things.

Just as your father should read the entirety of what he is giving his children - so should he also see that he is evil as God reckons these things - by understanding - that when he left your mother and took another woman he also left you and your brother also - and that kind of feeding you is of course harmful. You know this and your words express it clearly.

Your father is utilising Scripture to teach you what he perceives as your own failing in seeking to tell him how you feel about his choices in life - But he is also NOT acknowledging that he is accountable for you and not you for him. 

Of course you are no longer a little child and so being fitted for the kingdom is being addressed in that adult meaning. In that sense we have to look to Christ as our entrance - and that is the narrow way of Matthew chapter seven. Your father in that meaning is no longer your teacher. 

Your mother is in a different place because biblically her entrance into the kingdom - whilst predicated in the same faith meaning of Christ crucified for sin - is outworked in keeping the home and looking after her children. And you sense that also because you speak of her as being born again. Yet you also express that you are an orphan. So true Sister. You are now an orphan and so you can look to God alone. I told my daughter one time when she was having to submit to my authority as her father that she should be thrilled - she looked at me incredulously and asked all offended like - "And why?" So I said, "because one day I will give you to your husband in marriage and then I will have no more authority over you." She cheered up no end. Why then are you an orphan Sister? It is because your mother must look to her son who is at home - and because you have a husband. 

In Christ

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Kelly2363
added "marriage"