How Do I Know!?

[simply2nice]

Advice! Oh, my gosh, do I need advice! I am normally able to handle confusion by myself whenever it arises, but I currently find myself completely befuddled. I've been a college student for one semester now. I had a boyfriend from highschool that I was still going out with when I first got to college. We (Derek and I) stayed together for a year and seven months. Yeah, long time. Did I love him? I know I did. But, I have a tendency to love everyone. I finally had to ask myself if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I had to say no to that one, simply b/c he didn't have an ambition for life. He was just kind of floating along asking what I wanted to do and doing it with me. Why couldn't he have a desire that was completely his own? It's like he went to church because I did, he went to Conway because I moved there to attend UCA (University of Central Arkansas). Anyway I broke up with him, which was awful for both of us. I convinced myself it was best because I would only get frustrated with him in the future, get mad, and he would in turn get mad at me. Anyway I remained single for about a month, then I started going out with one of my college friends, Daniel. Now Daniel is very motivated unlike Derek, but I just don't feel.... loved. It's like he says it, but like he just doesn't care about how he makes me feel. Do I feel like this simply because I miss Derek or is there really something to it? There were times when I wished I could just run back to Derek and beg for him to take me back, but that simply isn't my nature. I usually stick to my guns and do what I said I would do. Now, why I wonder if Daniel is true or not is because I've only been going out with Daniel for a little over a month now and he has managed to take something that Derek could not. My virginity. That was VERY precious to me. Anyone can tell you that I am a firm believer in sex AFTER marriage. why did I do that? WHY!?! But, it's like he doesn't really seem to care that he did that. He felt bad that I felt bad, but not really caring ya know? How should I approach this? I need help. please!

[Guest RickLee]

I honestly believe you gave up on Derek too soon. I have been married for 16 years, and by the grace of God I think my wife and I have a very happy and fulfilling life. How is this relevant to your situation? My wife would be the first to tell you that I have always been and continue to be very indecisive. This works for us, however, because I trust Teresa to provide answers and she has never let me down. In her, God has provided me with a rudder to guide me through even the roughest waters. Besides, a young man who cares enough about you to stay with you for a year and seven months without sex is a rare and special find. Oftentimes flexibility is the best policy. If Derek cares as much about you as it sounds, I think he will be willing to forgive and forget if you can learn to be patient with him.

[Guest Texas Hunter]

Question...what's wrong with being single right now? I understand that if you honestly can't see yourself with Derek for the rest of your life, it's better to move on. You said that you've been in college one semester? Give yourself time to adjust to college life. I don't know the circumstances of how Daniel took your virginity, as you put it, but if he in any way pressured you into it, knowing your beliefs, then I don't think he's the one either. I find that many people rush into relationship after relationship, not wanted to be single. You have plenty of time ahead of you. Don't settle for less than best....the best for you. Find someone who respects you and your beliefs and will support you in them. Hopefully he will have the same beliefs you do. As for not being a virgin anymore...well, what's done is done, but you can still start from now, and stand for your convictions. We all make mistakes, but when we know we messed up, there's no reason to make the same mistake again.

[Leonard]

My dear girl:

Until a young fellow is AT LEAST 20 years old (usually somewhat older than that), HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. He may like the way you look. He may like the way you sound. He may be very nice to you because he likes the way you smell. He may like the way you feel. He may like the way you move. But he does not like YOU as a full person. Very very few girls understand this. It may be very hard for you to accept, but I assure you it is the absolute truth. That's just the way it is, and for many men, they never mature enough as human beings themselves, to like a girl as a full person until they are MUCH OLDER than 20 or 30, or 40, or................

Lust or love, how do you know? Love can always wait to please the other, lust cannot wait to please the self.

[simply2nice]

Well to your age requirement, Daniel is 23 while I am 19. It is a bit of a difference. I guess I was hoping that he'd be more grown up than others. I really appreciate the advice so far, everyone. I really am starting to believ that Daniel is certainly not the one meant for me. There's not enough there for me. It's like I'm talking to a cat. Listening but not really, then goes on about its own business. Maybe he is looking for a permenant relationship like he says, but he really is going about it all wrong. It's like I haven't heard from him in three days and he made NO effort to contact me. It seems rather frivolous to fret over, but it is good to feel wanted ya know? What's wrong with him calling me for a change?

When I think back to how well Derek and I knew each other its just insane. I mean, who was the first one I talked to after losing my virginity? Derek. We talked for two hours alone in the campus library. He was able to set me to laughing again. Course, he was really wanting to kill Daniel as well. I'm really starting to think it was stupid to leave Derek. He cared so very much about me and I just got fed up with him anyway. Is that normal? I mean to get bored with someone? It feels like I wasted my time getting to know him so well and then just leaving him. And Daniel, well. He's different. Like I said there are times when we are awesome together, then there are other times when I wonder what I've gotten myself into. How can I know if Daniel loves me? Or do I already know it and just don't want to act on it? I have so many questions and no one to talk to about it. If my family knew about losing my virginity there's no telling what kind of a stir that would cause. I was able to tell my older sister at least. I know I can trust her to not tattle. She's been through much more than me and I know she won't just tell everybody. She'll leave that to me. I've done it for her before. I'm sorry if I carry on about this, but this is my first time getting myself completely stumped. thankyou so very much for your comments. I appreciate it very much. God bless and have a very merry Christmas. -- Chrissy

[elkieDannsa' Air An Drochaid]

Well to your age requirement, Daniel is 23 while I am 19. It is a bit of a difference. I guess I was hoping that he'd be more grown up than others. I really appreciate the advice so far, everyone. I really am starting to believ that Daniel is certainly not the one meant for me. There's not enough there for me. It's like I'm talking to a cat. Listening but not really, then goes on about its own business. Maybe he is looking for a permenant relationship like he says, but he really is going about it all wrong. It's like I haven't heard from him in three days and he made NO effort to contact me. It seems rather frivolous to fret over, but it is good to feel wanted ya know? What's wrong with him calling me for a change?

When I think back to how well Derek and I knew each other its just insane. I mean, who was the first one I talked to after losing my virginity? Derek. We talked for two hours alone in the campus library. He was able to set me to laughing again. Course, he was really wanting to kill Daniel as well. I'm really starting to think it was stupid to leave Derek. He cared so very much about me and I just got fed up with him anyway. Is that normal? I mean to get bored with someone? It feels like I wasted my time getting to know him so well and then just leaving him. And Daniel, well. He's different. Like I said there are times when we are awesome together, then there are other times when I wonder what I've gotten myself into. How can I know if Daniel loves me? Or do I already know it and just don't want to act on it? I have so many questions and no one to talk to about it. If my family knew about losing my virginity there's no telling what kind of a stir that would cause. I was able to tell my older sister at least. I know I can trust her to not tattle. She's been through much more than me and I know she won't just tell everybody. She'll leave that to me. I've done it for her before. I'm sorry if I carry on about this, but this is my first time getting myself completely stumped. thankyou so very much for your comments. I appreciate it very much. God bless and have a very merry Christmas. -- Chrissy

When my son and I talked, he said it was wrong for a girl to sleep with a guy before marriage because she would become needing him to love her and emotionally confused, thinking because she slept with him -needing him to love her then and might see it clearer had not slept with him and compromised herself would make better decisions for herself in choosing a relationship This is coming form my son when he was in his early twenties and he loves the Lord and people very much. He is older now and married, happily so. He waited for her, to find the wife he could love forever. We know that God is not the author of confusion. I am hoping you are asking the LORD for HIS will in this and your life. I know if a man does not respect your beliefs and needs , he just plain does not respect you. I know that when we are young and looking for a relationship, we need to know that it takes time and love and caring and GOD in it. Yes, there are times when the one you love the most in life will be boring and there are waves and seasons in relationships and we need to appreciate the person we love and show love in Gods way and that really includes doing it Godsway. Taking the test of time. Can you pray together? Can you ask GOd to bless what you do together? I am concerned that because you lost your virginity to this young man you need to think he loves you, his actions have spoken louder than words here. You dont have to keep staying with him because this mistake has happened. You can CHOOSE AGAIN. With Jesus , GODS promises are new every morning and so are YOU! CHOOSE AGAIN. Also, you seem to mention if these young men love you as your reasons to be with them ,but it is about if you are loving them or not ,too and you too will find that you might be boring once in awhile in life and such. It is real relationships that are based on real love and being loving and respecting that last in friendship and GODS blessing their ways in HIM together. Why the rush? Why not wait in friendships and seek JESUS first. To love a man or woman is to really love them for who they are, good and bad. None of us are perfect. My honest opinion is you write like you don't even like this guy you slept with !-yet love him! look at your posts as if they were someone elses and I mean really look at what you have said, objectively.

There is no reason the throw your life away on if others may or may not love you and allow treating you badly. You don't have to settle to stay with a man because you make the mistake of making him the first one when its the wrong one. Imagine what else he does not respect in your wants and beliefs. Say you got pregnant, would he want abortion? Real love does not put ones own interests first nor compromise the others values. You know the best way to have a marraige is in premarriage councelling for even a year to understand about relationships in marriage to make them work. To know them much longer than that before marraige, its a lifetime commitment and that takes real love and care and effort.

Why not take a step back here and wait on commitals? How does the BIBLE describe love? LOVE IS: long suffering, does not seek it's own interests, esteems others over (some say above or before) itself...... do you see....... Lust and love are not the same thing. Real love is also being friends ,too. It is alot of things, helper friend ,lover, and union in the LORD. For what place has darkness to do with light? IF someone can sleep with you and can't even take time for you, that is not love. Can you imagine needing the one you marry to be your friend just to find you are not even able to get them to take time to talk to you or care about you? You might really miss the one who loves you enough to be your friend and he will be with someone else by then who can appreciate a real friend in love also. some thoughts...

[darkest_red]

My dear girl:

Until a young fellow is AT LEAST 20 years old (usually somewhat older than that), HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. He may like the way you look. He may like the way you sound. He may be very nice to you because he likes the way you smell. He may like the way you feel. He may like the way you move. But he does not like YOU as a full person. Very very few girls understand this. It may be very hard for you to accept, but I assure you it is the absolute truth. That's just the way it is, and for many men, they never mature enough as human beings themselves, to like a girl as a full person until they are MUCH OLDER than 20 or 30, or 40, or................

Lust or love, how do you know? Love can always wait to please the other, lust cannot wait to please the self.

My parents got married when they were 16....39 years later they are still happily married (and we are planning a surprise party for their 40th anniversary next May!)....are you seriously telling me that he did not love her as a whole person when they first got married??

Simply2nice....it seems to me that Daniel was nothing more than a rebound relationship. A month is not a long time to wait before starting on someone new, especially if you loved Derek.

I think it would be best for you to be single for a bit and decide what (or indeed, who) you want before rushing into things.

[Leonard]

My parents got married when they were 16....39 years later they are still happily married (and we are planning a surprise party for their 40th anniversary next May!)....are you seriously telling me that he did not love her as a whole person when they first got married??

I was 20, and my wife 16 when we got married. We've been married for 29 years.

These very young marriages are virtually 'doomed to failure' statistically. I'm glad your parents made it. It is VERY unlikely your dad had the emotional maturity to truly 'love' at 16. Maybe he was a prodigy, maybe not. But in any event, he certainly GREW to love your mom as fully as she deserved.

Maybe you should ask your folks. It would make for a very interesting topic. I guarantee you they'll both say that at 16 they had no idea what they werre in for!!!

PS: I also know another couple who were married when he was 14 (!) and she was 12(!!!). They've been married more than 40 years now.

[Iryssa]

PS: I also know another couple who were married when he was 14 (!) and she was 12(!!!). They've been married more than 40 years now.

Woah...I didn't think that was legal.

[simply2nice]

Hey, I want to thank all of you for the wonderful advice you have given me. I was able to calm down in being able to recieve some input from other christians and married people alike. For an update, I pulled myself together because I would get so sick of life if I had gotten back together with Derek. Then, I went to Daniel's parents house (which is where he is over the holiday obviously) and got to talk to him about all that bothered me about what we had done. We understand each other's points of views and I think we are on the same page now. We shall see how things progress. God bless and have a very merry Christmas!