Attention: Husbands and Wives

[Guest Biblicist]

Yes we must all live with each other's foibles and sin, et c.

But I think it is healthy to voice our expectations and think about what they are so we can communicate them! It is very unfair to have expectations that the husband or wife does not even know about, this is what leads to resentment.

Consider basic things like parenting. What if you marry someone with the expectation they want to have and raise kids, and you then find out they have no interest in being a parent at all, or you marry someone with the expectation of having a bunch of kids and they only want two, etc.

What if you marry a woman and have the expectation that she will manage the household, you find out later no, she wants to go back to school and start a whole new career?

The list goes on, we all have expectations and we better communicate them.

I think we are talking about two totally different situations.

Pre marriage expectations are different. Everyone has expectations as to whom they want to marry and the kind of person they want that one to be. Frankly, I believe there should only be ONE pre-marriage expectation, Belief in the Lord Jesus Christ. Got takes care of the rest. At least, He did for me.

Once you are married though, it's not about you anymore. It's about the other person.

What I know is, even when promises are made, by humans, they get broken. Because we are human. "But you promised!"... You promised we could have kids, you promised you would support our family, you promised....

How about this? I expected my husband to work and support our family so that I could stay at home and care for him, the kids and our home. Several times he has been out of work, and I have had to step in. This time he's been out of work for...what now...6 months...I'm working [essentially] three jobs to make ends meet so that he can find another job that will again support our family. Was that a bad expectation? Did he lose his job on purpose so that he could let me down? NOPE. Things happened, life happened. Circumstances changed so that my expectations are no longer being met. What do I do about that?

Do I whine about it?

Do I complain?

Do I ignore his needs because my own are not cared for?

Absolutly NOT!

I forgo my expectations, and I rest in the Lord. We have both been let down, and instead of whining about our "expectations" we dump the old plan and wait for God's new one. It's not about me, it's about Him, and my husband. What I expect is not always going to be in line with what God has planned. I can't allow my forgone expectations to keep our lives from growing and expanding into the beautiful harmony that God planned from the beginning.

[Grace1479]

All I want from hubby is that he stays the way he is. Love the Lord with everything in him. I know he loves the Lord more than me and that is exactly what I expect. And that he will always love me the way he does...unconditionally. The Lord gave me an angel out of heaven for a husband. We went through extreme rough times but our love for each other grew stronger with each trial...with the Lord's help.

[Iryssa]

Yes we must all live with each other's foibles and sin, et c.

But I think it is healthy to voice our expectations and think about what they are so we can communicate them! It is very unfair to have expectations that the husband or wife does not even know about, this is what leads to resentment.

Consider basic things like parenting. What if you marry someone with the expectation they want to have and raise kids, and you then find out they have no interest in being a parent at all, or you marry someone with the expectation of having a bunch of kids and they only want two, etc.

What if you marry a woman and have the expectation that she will manage the household, you find out later no, she wants to go back to school and start a whole new career?

The list goes on, we all have expectations and we better communicate them.

I think we are talking about two totally different situations.

Pre marriage expectations are different. Everyone has expectations as to whom they want to marry and the kind of person they want that one to be. Frankly, I believe there should only be ONE pre-marriage expectation, Belief in the Lord Jesus Christ. Got takes care of the rest. At least, He did for me.

Once you are married though, it's not about you anymore. It's about the other person.

What I know is, even when promises are made, by humans, they get broken. Because we are human. "But you promised!"... You promised we could have kids, you promised you would support our family, you promised....

How about this? I expected my husband to work and support our family so that I could stay at home and care for him, the kids and our home. Several times he has been out of work, and I have had to step in. This time he's been out of work for...what now...6 months...I'm working [essentially] three jobs to make ends meet so that he can find another job that will again support our family. Was that a bad expectation? Did he lose his job on purpose so that he could let me down? NOPE. Things happened, life happened. Circumstances changed so that my expectations are no longer being met. What do I do about that?

Do I whine about it?

Do I complain?

Do I ignore his needs because my own are not cared for?

Absolutly NOT!

I forgo my expectations, and I rest in the Lord. We have both been let down, and instead of whining about our "expectations" we dump the old plan and wait for God's new one. It's not about me, it's about Him, and my husband. What I expect is not always going to be in line with what God has planned. I can't allow my forgone expectations to keep our lives from growing and expanding into the beautiful harmony that God planned from the beginning.

I don't think anyone is saying we should whine or complain or ignore our spouses' needs because expectations aren't being met! But having what I call "marriage maintenance" talks where you discuss your marriage and things you would like to see happen in it in a non-accusatory manner is, I believe, healthy for a relationship. Because we all do have needs! And the marriage relationship was built to meet certain needs! An obvious one is sex: for men in particular (but often for women too!), this is a very important need that the marriage relationship was designed to see satisfied in a constructive manner. If I'm not holding up my end in that regard, I want to know about it (and that's an expectation that I have: that we talk about these things, rather than ignoring them, because I can't read minds any more than he can)! In our relationship, the MUTUAL goal is to see that we meet what needs we CAN meet of the other person.

There are, of course, guidelines:

1. Our covenant with God is number one. If I'm unhappy because a need isn't being met, that DOES NOT dissolve that covenant.

2. Everything I do, I do out of love for God and for my family. (I'm not saying I'm perfect here...is anyone? But I try)

Those guidelines are for both husband and wife, and they are not nullified by one party not following them.

Anyway, I just think an attitude that says "I might as well not expect my husband to rise to any of my expectations" is a pretty sad way to go through married life. I don't expect my husband to be perfect...but neither do I see anything wrong with having a mutual agreement to do our best to meet what needs we can. We are both equally responsible in that, and we both focus on our own parts in it, but we do give eachother feedback (gently and lovingly and in the right time and place), so that bitterness does not grow, and so that our relationship DOES grow. As I've said, all those kinds of talks we've had have IMPROVED and STRENGTHENED our marriage, not damaged it! And when we come to eachother to talk about these things, it's always done in love, and with prior prayer and self-examination.

[tammy826]

I think the most impotant thing is that he loves God 1st!!I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who treats me with respect & has been there with me in good times & bad. I also think honesty is so important even if it hurts my feelings I want to always know the truth. I give him the same in return. God Bless you!

[Xan]

Yes we must all live with each other's foibles and sin, et c.

But I think it is healthy to voice our expectations and think about what they are so we can communicate them! It is very unfair to have expectations that the husband or wife does not even know about, this is what leads to resentment.

Consider basic things like parenting. What if you marry someone with the expectation they want to have and raise kids, and you then find out they have no interest in being a parent at all, or you marry someone with the expectation of having a bunch of kids and they only want two, etc.

What if you marry a woman and have the expectation that she will manage the household, you find out later no, she wants to go back to school and start a whole new career?

The list goes on, we all have expectations and we better communicate them.

I think we are talking about two totally different situations.

Pre marriage expectations are different. Everyone has expectations as to whom they want to marry and the kind of person they want that one to be. Frankly, I believe there should only be ONE pre-marriage expectation, Belief in the Lord Jesus Christ. Got takes care of the rest. At least, He did for me.

Once you are married though, it's not about you anymore. It's about the other person.

What I know is, even when promises are made, by humans, they get broken. Because we are human. "But you promised!"... You promised we could have kids, you promised you would support our family, you promised....

How about this? I expected my husband to work and support our family so that I could stay at home and care for him, the kids and our home. Several times he has been out of work, and I have had to step in. This time he's been out of work for...what now...6 months...I'm working [essentially] three jobs to make ends meet so that he can find another job that will again support our family. Was that a bad expectation? Did he lose his job on purpose so that he could let me down? NOPE. Things happened, life happened. Circumstances changed so that my expectations are no longer being met. What do I do about that?

Do I whine about it?

Do I complain?

Do I ignore his needs because my own are not cared for?

Absolutly NOT!

I forgo my expectations, and I rest in the Lord. We have both been let down, and instead of whining about our "expectations" we dump the old plan and wait for God's new one. It's not about me, it's about Him, and my husband. What I expect is not always going to be in line with what God has planned. I can't allow my forgone expectations to keep our lives from growing and expanding into the beautiful harmony that God planned from the beginning.

I don't think anyone is saying we should whine or complain or ignore our spouses' needs because expectations aren't being met! But having what I call "marriage maintenance" talks where you discuss your marriage and things you would like to see happen in it in a non-accusatory manner is, I believe, healthy for a relationship. Because we all do have needs! And the marriage relationship was built to meet certain needs! An obvious one is sex: for men in particular (but often for women too!), this is a very important need that the marriage relationship was designed to see satisfied in a constructive manner. If I'm not holding up my end in that regard, I want to know about it (and that's an expectation that I have: that we talk about these things, rather than ignoring them, because I can't read minds any more than he can)! In our relationship, the MUTUAL goal is to see that we meet what needs we CAN meet of the other person.

There are, of course, guidelines:

1. Our covenant with God is number one. If I'm unhappy because a need isn't being met, that DOES NOT dissolve that covenant.

2. Everything I do, I do out of love for God and for my family. (I'm not saying I'm perfect here...is anyone? But I try)

Those guidelines are for both husband and wife, and they are not nullified by one party not following them.

Anyway, I just think an attitude that says "I might as well not expect my husband to rise to any of my expectations" is a pretty sad way to go through married life. I don't expect my husband to be perfect...but neither do I see anything wrong with having a mutual agreement to do our best to meet what needs we can. We are both equally responsible in that, and we both focus on our own parts in it, but we do give eachother feedback (gently and lovingly and in the right time and place), so that bitterness does not grow, and so that our relationship DOES grow. As I've said, all those kinds of talks we've had have IMPROVED and STRENGTHENED our marriage, not damaged it! And when we come to eachother to talk about these things, it's always done in love, and with prior prayer and self-examination.

Excellent post, Iryssa

[Guest Biblicist]

Anyway, I just think an attitude that says "I might as well not expect my husband to rise to any of my expectations" is a pretty sad way to go through married life.

If that's what you read into my statements, then either I did not get the message across clearly enough, or you did not read them throughly.

[cymba22]

My fellow christain brothers, I would like to know what you expect from your wives. MY fellow christains sisters, I want to know what do you want from your husbands. Be honest

I expect her not to leave the marriage for any reason. I expect her to keep her promise to God and myself and our children that divorce will never be an option, regardless of what happens, under any circumstance; which is the same promise I made and intend to keep, it is a promise first and foremost to God, who I don

[LilyPotter]

If we realize that we will fail, but we can still love each other anyway, then we can have a strong, lasting marriage.

Biblicist, making a commitment to each other, serving your spouse does not preclude having expectations of them. As I said, I do have expectations of him and myself and he has expectations of himself and me. No, we don't always meet each other's expectations, we can and do fail to come through some times. That doesn't mean you can bail on the whole deal, of course.

You seem to be saying "Expect nothing and then you won't be disappointed when you get nothing." To me, only someone who has no self-respect at all would actually carry out their marriage this way.

[Guest Biblicist]

You seem to be saying "Expect nothing and then you won't be disappointed when you get nothing." To me, only someone who has no self-respect at all would actually carry out their marriage this way.

That's not what I said at all. Although I can see why you think it is. Very few people believe the way I do.

I have an accurate self esteeme. That is I try not think to highly of myself, and most times I am able to consider other's better than myself. [still struggling with the sin nature]

The only person I have expectations of in my marriage is ME. Because I know I can control my behaviour and I am accountable to God for it. Thankfully God has blessed me with a loving, gentle husband, who understands me better than I understand myself. I am willing to allow my husband to be who God wants him to be, and grow at the rate God wants him to.

I believe if we had less expectations and more love, in marriage, less marriages would fail.

[LilyPotter]

Biblicist, At the risk of beating a dead horse, I don't think what you say you believe is actually true. Of course you can only control your own behavior, but that does not (or should not) mean that you can't expect your spouse to behave any particular way. You said you have a gentle and loving husband. I submit that you have an expectation that he will most often behave that way. I assume you don't go to bed at night wondering if in the middle of the night, he'll sneak out, empty the bank account and kidnap the kids. Why? Because you have an expectation that he would never do that. You have an expectation of him continuing to act in a loving and gentle way.

In the example of him losing his job, I don't think that is quite the same thing. It sounds like he lost his job due to circumstances beyond his control. Being a team, it makes sense that you would work if you can, even if this was not the way you originally expected it to be. Marriage certainly includes such curve balls. We need not pretend we had no expectation that it would be otherwise.

Sometimes, I will come across a person who says, with an air of superiority, "I don't care what anybody thinks of me." But if this were true, the person would be a sociopath. All normally-functioning people do care what other people think of them. Every person who has ever uttered this phrase stands before me with clean hair, clothing that resembles in some way the things people normally wear, shoes on their feet, no brocolli stuck between their teeth...you see? If you truly didn't care what people thought, there would be no reason to eat with a fork, wear undergarments, sleep in a bed, live in a domain, cut the grass or use a toilet. Whenever you say you have no expectations of your spouse, it reminds me of this.