Figure of eighty

I think that describes me well. A semblance of good but I'm not all that good. Just a little bit.

You are right I am in the same place I was when I got here. I see no spiritual growth for myself. I want to give up with this Christian bs. I think once I'm on the otherside done with nursing and my life calms down maybe I'll try again with God.

Like I said I wasn't going to do any of that was just venting a frustration. Idk I feel maybe I've been deluding myself as a Christian. I really feel im not one at all. I don't pray or read. I have no desire for God or loving feelings toward him I often wonder how people love him bc I have animosity twds him. I don't know how people trust him either when stuff happens back to back I'm just starting to not care either. I'm just going to continue to do what I can to get out of my own situation.

I was baptized by the holy spirit as well.

I wasnt going to do what I thought. I'm just frustrated is all. I feel stuff working against me. It's hard for me to trust God. Idk how to make myself do that.

I really don't know if I'm saved or not. I've said thr sinners prayer. I know about God. I've been baptized twice. I can kinda hear God speaking if I tune in or go to a spirit filled church... I do know I haven't fully surrendered. I feel bitter and angry about alot of things. Just taking it one day at a time. Im doing my best to change my life. But yeah idk. You're supposed to bear fruit of the spirit. I can't say any within myself. I don't desire God like most people here or have convictionsfrom the HS-- idk what's wrong with me. Its been 10+yrs I really don't know where to go from here since I've already been baptized and said the sinners prayer. But yeah much hasn't changed and it'd been 10yrs. My desires are still the same there's no aversion to my old sins... so idk I probably am not Saved. But I do believe in everything I said with that sinners prayer.

Denial?

Yes bc I just don't seem to thrive in trials. I don't care much about pleasing God. I just want to be a nurse to be financially stable for my kids. I see other Christians and they care and they want to please God and strive to. This makes me worry bc my heart isn't like there's I ask God to change it. I've been saved and baptized twice. I don't feel different.

I just worry endlessly. Did you ever struggle any? What helps u through trials?

Man this is hard. It really makes me question my own salvation. Alot of people seem not to have difficulty doing this or don't get stressed but money,rent,school and basic things stress me. Idk how you all got to this level or trust or faith in God. I'm not sure how to reach that.

I've been applying for help. I'm not gonna do what I wrote I'm just frustrated and praying everything comes together.

I'm not chasing destruction. Just trying to make my ends meet. I'm not an addict or anything just trying 5o keep a roof over my head and stay in my nursing program

.

Thank you I researched a few things as well.

I experience heavy feelings of depression,loneliness,anxiety,anger.. I have therapy on Tuesday of this week.. I also have meds but I haven't touched them yet.. Idk I just feel like I'm in a fog at the worst time in my life. I'm close to entering my nursing exam and I feel so saddled down emotionally. What do I pray so that God helps me let go of all this?

I haven't started them yet. I'm still afraid to take meds but I feel my mental health on its own is spiraling but I don't want meds. I also don't want my mental health to get worse. Not sure what to do. I'm headed to court now.. also I talked to a coworker who's going through alot ATM so much I just felt ashamed feeling the way I've felt. I repented. I'm going to try to do better.

I can't throw them out yet. My brother has a car and when he pays his insurance I can use it. Unfortunately my dad is the only one who can watch my kids so I have to tolerate this for a little bit. But I've had a really bad attitude/ heart. I'm gonna pray God helps me with my attitude. It's not good or Godly.

I'm absolutely trying to find solutions. I do that daily. It just sucks the people that live with me don't help much. But I am trying.

I'm not living a sinful life now and I do remember that post. I feel I have a bad heart and defective spirit. I do believe in God and recognize when he's working but again I'm just e exhausted but I'll try what one person said and make time. One verse a day. It's just fighting an up hill battle. I DONT want to do this. It irritates me. I'd rather find solutions than pray. Surrendering annoys me deeply. I just want to fix my problems. I do feel if you have a deep love and severance for God it makes this all easier. I wish I had that all I feel is deep annoyance. I'm probably a tare. I feel a real Christian can't have a heart as terrible as mine.

I know what I want and how to do it. I can fight for my kids and push myself to get what they need. I only have enough energy to take care of my 2 toddler kids, work and school I can't imagine engaging in spiritual warfare on tope of this. I'll gladly wave the white flag bc it's too much. Much too much . I believe in God but I just don't havevthat passionate zeal others have. As the days pass I care less bc I feel stability for my kids is more important.

Honestly, what drives me most to not give up completely is that my kids deserve stability. That's the only thing that's all. I see just from peoples responses in just my thread I see you all have a passionate zeal and love for God and I'm being completely honest when I say I don't have that. I wish I did but I don't. I'm saved in the sense I was baptized twice, confessed with my mouth all of that. I do believe in God I just don't have as much passion or love as a normal Christian should. I feel alot of apathy and indifference. Life is hard enough on its own I just don't want to deal with spiritual trials. I just want to stop struggling that's all and I feel im on my way. My classes start on the 26th. Sorry if this is hard to read but I am telling the truth. I'm not lying about how I currently feel. At the very least I will try to live a quiet life free from sin.

What happened to you?

I wish I had that desire you have. I just don't. I am tired. I am exhausted and I am exhausting gov resources.

So what do you do when the pressure is on and life gets hard? What do you do? I feel I've exhausted a lot of resources. What do you do to keep from getting mad and angry? I feel my anxiety pills help me a bit.

Wow. Im sorry about your kids. That would drive me up a wall. I need to ask if there's any sin causing my issues. I'm not living with a man or anything but still. Either way this is hard.