Beckett

I guess they are sort of mystical states, yes. And I feel that I indeed need to be careful with this since I am a westerner, and since the word is so strong in our culture. We can't escape our own culture, since it is a part of us. I think it is this that you're sort of saying in a way. And the redemption of this baggage, I feel lies somewhere in the Bible. But, I also read Christian mystics like Meister Eckhart, and find it very powerful. But yes, these states that these mystics goes into is, well ... I don't have a word for it other than "mystical". Here is a poem from Meister Echart, i guess it is about not believing in your own knowledge, and letting go of yourself, put yourself into Gods hands and his wisdom. And it is this kind of feeling I get in these states. I, the ego, sort of dissapear, I am no longer important. Just what is IS, God. Not that I have His wisdom or anything like that (to want Gods wisdom would drive a man insane I believe), but just that I let go, and let He open my heart. Knowledge always deceives. It always limits the Truth, every concept and image does. From cage to cage the caravan moves, but I give thanks, for at each divine juncture my wings expand and I touch Him more intimately.

Here is a poem by William Stafford: I glanced at her and took my glasses off--they were still singing. They buzzed like a locust on the coffee table and then ceased. Her voice belled forth, and the sunlight bent. I felt the ceiling arch, and knew that nails up there took a new grip on whatever they touched. "I am your own way of looking at things," she said. "When you allow me to live with you, every glance at the world around you will be a sort of salvation." And I took her hand. Sometimes our anxiety is due to the fear of how to percieve. You can say it this way, we fear the light that might get uncovered if we allow ourselves to truly percieve the way we are ment to, without all the falsities. We can call this anxiety our own shadow, it is indeed hard to look at, cause it is false. When you read the Bible, maybe it is the light that is showing you your shadow, your inner turmoil. Don't believe in yourself, we lie to ourselves, trust in the good (God), and trust in Jesus. Also, maybe it would do you good with this simple excersice: just sit down and relax, and try to observe your own thoughts without going into them, just look at them in an objective way, just observe how thoughts always comes and goes. And feel: just feel the thoughts, bad thoughts and good thoughts without going into them. This might make it easier for you to confront your anxiety when you read the Bible. God does not come and go, God is.

This surely messed me up. I don't blame anyone for it though, they don't know better. Hopefully all the analysis I'm having to do on my troubles, with the help of God - it is he who uncovers the truth, not me - can be put to good use, to help honest and kind people. Well ... anyone really, the problem is that wisdom can become knowledge, and then get used for manipulative purposes by dishonest or ignorant people. Maybe Jesus will teach me how to avoid this

And I also love the fact that this love can be shared, and talked about. It is therapautic for me. I grew up in an atheist family, and never had any Christian friends. Never had a language suited to talk about what I felt. Jesus' language is deeply therapeutic in a way no other language is.

He has saved me from myself and untangeled my self-esteem. Seeing all he has done for you, makes me optimistic

This is my experience: When one pray, meditate or do any kind of honest silent contemplation. The barriers created by language don't play such an important part. What I mean is, I no longer think in the line of I, them, you, me. As these are distinctions created in language, and is superfluous when in silent contemplation. But then, when I am in my ordinary state, out in the world, talking to people. Of course, these distinctions needs to be made - as our language as it is, depend on them. But this sometimes makes me feel uneasy, like it can be difficult to balance these two states of mind. Like I somehow need to go out of myself in order to talk to people, anyone get the same feelings? I always do my best to be mindful and say the right thing to other people, but well ... it can be difficult, to balance this religious search for wisdom and understanding, but at the same time talk to people, that maybe got no such need for wisdom and understanding.