LittlePebble10

Not intending to bump this. Its already at the top of the list. So, I think I am excused on this. I wanted to shed a little more light. Share a messy sketch to help clear up what might be confusing. The link is to Furaffinity and there should be a defualt setting to where if you have no account there is zero NSFW due to legal reasons. However, I am not exactly sure. If there is anything questionable please take out the link and take to me kindly. I am still getting through some confusing emotions. I really can't handle another lecture at this moment. https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48266831/ In essence I feel like a failure to my family. Through out this fight against my life problems and lack of support I been hitting some difficult times. My heart breaks for the furry community. My bi tendencies are undesired. My need for brotherly love in friendship has basically been non existant. My mother is fearful I will be turning my back on God. My father has the worst part of it due to severe guilt over my child hood. Yet, I hurt by the mere fact that my home was safe in my childhood. The reason for my issues is because of school life. I had friends and to an extent I had times where it was brotherly like closeness. Then politics and religion would get in the way and needless debate would divide. I would give anything to have a one on one talk with Titus and Timothy who branched off of Apostle Paul. I can't imagine what it was like to have planted a Church the way they have.

To keep this simple I will add details as we go along. Its a very long real life soga. To get started me and my family had a nasty fight recently. Mostly through email and text messaging. This was procuring ove five years. Me and my parents were in perodic fights over my career and especially resolving a range of other problems surrounding my disability. My mother is a retired OT and my Dad is still at it with accounting. I personally find him to be a brilliant guy with the books. I even admire his grit when it has come to some of these problems we all faced. The fight we all had turly shatters me. The fight was over a problem created five years ago. I have no in-person friendships after my local Brony/furry group fell apart because of politics/religion. I have work friends currently and some Church friends spread out in the local area. I should think I have 3 different ministries I have friends in? My closest of friends were spread out over America via the Christian Brony and Furry community. However, Face Book made keeping in contact very problematic. I could not handle Face Book mentally and got locked out. My password is not only screwed up, but my recovery email is not accessible. I bassically became active on Derpibooru and Furbooru. Please keep in mind Furbooru automatically defualts to explicit art without any filters. You have to have an account in order to keep a PG-13 art feed. Don't go there and automatically assume I am a sexual deviant. With this said I also have an account on Furaffinity. Recently I been strugalling with my faith because of not having any close friendships at all. Long distance or otherwise. Like I said I have loose knit friends in the work place and the ministries I am familure with in my area. The long distance friendships keeping stable were sliced off after FB had gone crazy over politics. Yet, no one seems to want to do any activities together. The disability community held promise, but after the fight I had and the emotional break down I messed things up a bit. My emotional break down was in essence bad to the point I snapped. When ever this happens I basically shut down. For a few hours I was sketching a piece desprately avioding the shut down. Before this I was in a phone call with my mother about my faith crisis. Basically she barrated me with scriptures that were core to Christianity. Entirely the "Christian 101" lecture and telling me I had turned my Back on God. Scriptures are very important to me and this was not the issue. The reason I broke down emotionally and mentally is because she was convinced I turned my back on God. Out of the entire five years we been in this fight together she thought I had already given up. The reason for this has to do with my art being a tad bt on the explicit side. I was studying human anatomy and animal biology to better understand the pelvice floor muscles. I was also looking into figure art to help me master the ability to make believable anatomy in my art. I also have been looking at my friendship status comparing it to my sexuality. I have an undesired attraction to a persons inner persona. In essence I have undesired bi tendencies. I was taking time to reflect on this in my art. I found it to also help me face my biggest social phobias. On of them being around LGBT people. I was doing art where it had a slight flavor of explicitness between friends. I felt like I could finally be around people without my anxiety shutting me down. In fact I found comapssion for those lost in this area. There was a litteral switch within me flipped that helped me relate because of my own bitendencies. The primary factor to my faith crisis is within the realm of forming friendships. The closeness I feel to be an emotional need. However, I can't make any sense of it. My heart is split between those who are secular in their livelyhoods and then those who are completely a hundred percent Christian. I met a few who bend scripture. Actually I over five years I have been around them and tolerated them the best I could. When the swtch went on inside me it felt like I was a hypocrite in Church. Then when I shared my art and writing I was a completely different person. I had two very different lives. One where Lily my fursona was slightly gay, but did not have relations. The other was Noah a dragon same species for a fursona, but as the name suggests he was anything, but the LGBT rainbow. Noah had a family, he had an older brother who loved deeply, and friends who he could relate to. All of it was fiction. At least for Lily he had Calico a cat and fox hybrid. There was the brother like love, but also a slight flavor of bi tendencies. Hints the explicit art project I recently started. If I gave up this fictional life of Noah who I simply pretended I had friends I could form friendships with people who would not be scared of me. In fact they loved my art. The website I never mentioned really is not difficult to figure out. I put clues here and there. One of them saying I abandoned the account on there. However, I went back because I felt a need for an in person friendship. This physcial need I had for five years could be made possible if I had repaired the reputation that had been torn apart by my local Brony/Furry group. I would never mend fences with them. I would never mend fences with the group that fallowed after. However, if my art garnerd enough attention I would have interest from people locally eventually. For some one who does nothing kinky on this website 35 followers on art says a tun. I have bi tendencies and so does the long distance friendships I have been forming. Yet, not a single one of them are imaginary. In essence my brokeness is by the fact my mother provided me with no encouragement. Instead she repeated every Bible verse I already solidified. The ones I am strugalling with are in Acts, Mathew, and certianly all the other letters from Apostle Pual. It was like I was being sentenced for a crime I never commited, but was going to commit. I did not need to be lectured. I needed a friend and it just blew up in my face. Turning my back on God now seems a heck a lot easier then mending fences with my family. Out of an epesode of sorrow I shattered my cell phone in the jaws of a 12 inch handle wrench and a slightly smaller one. I was very convinced that I would never make a friendship of any kind. Annnnnd now the Bible study group I was invited to is the last thing I want to do this week end. This whole mess because my most loved friend abandoned me 5 years ago. The dreams of seeing him again stopped and I don't want them to start again. He does not want to see me again ever and I am torn between heaven hell.

Ok the above desperately needs editing. It’s midnight and I literally have no time to boot my computer and fix the grammar mess my cellphone spell check did. I will edit tomorrow.

You Can’t Lose What you don’t have!!!! I admit my art has took a rather odd turn. The piece I am uploading is portraying a character who is disabled like me in real life. Has minimal underwear to make this fit the “Safe For Work,” rating these forums require. Honestly deep down I must admit I am desperate. I would have took things further with a shirt over him. Yet, the vulnerable look with a joyful demeanor says it all. keep in mind its more like a meditation pants he is wearing. I stretch that description on Furbooru. I portray a fake joy as that has even my inner self believes temporarily. Its incredibly absurd how people think my child hood was trauma because of family. This is literally upside down. The most hilarious of it all was I loved to learn. Yet, circumstances had me hit depression many times over. At home I was comfortable and felt safe. At school my social anxiety entrapped me. Teachers would take things away from me in order to snap out of it. If it was not for the people God placed in my life I don’t think I would be alive today. A math teacher who had a passion in electronics, a science teacher who knew chemistry like the back of her hand, and a counselor who bent rules to make it possible. All the while their teaching positions had nothing in them except the people who they do anything to inspire learning. I honestly never had a brutal teacher. I was mostly pulled out of class’s where my mental health was most affected. Graduation was a sense of accomplishment to everyone involved. As the adage goes? “There is hope for me yet.” I am: however, convinced I am socially detached from the world. The only reason I am not crazy is because my emotions are expressed through art and writing. I can think things through to stabilize my mental darkness. My imagination is there and those who live there help ensure this. I am trying to get back into a traditional therapist and not just life skills. I feel my spiritual inner self tested at times because the terms “inclusive,” and “open mindedness,” gets thrown around a lot. In retrospect I can’t harbor anger against myself for the mess I got myself into recently. What I have on Furbooru is reasonable. The anatomy and NSFW is light weight. I add the tag explicit only because in my perspective it’s not Michaelanglos paintings on the church. There is a slight suggestion to provoke imagination. An image or too could be removed and they all would portray an innocent spirit of being-like-dork. Specifically in their pose. this if it was only this I would navigate to a more playful dork humor or satire in their poses. Actually I inevitably created a Tantabus. It put Princess Lina’s darkness to shame ten times over. Thankfully my Tantabus can’t escape the inner darkness within me like they do in the pony universe. Ha! Satire while I try to lighten my sorrow a little. I have overcome my problems with orientation a little. I at least identified the fragments deep within me causing these frustrations. Yet, it seems to gotten in a mess. More specifically it’s gotten me into a spiritual crisis. I could give up Christianity and all that needed to pass for friendship is a less annoying persona. I have achieved a method to calm my nerves and force myself to falsely believe I am happy. In reality my Tantabus is within the darkest parts of me. Like being bitten by the snake and I take the moment to acknowledge I am safe. In reality it’s only a matter of time lights go out and darkness pulls the strings. I wanted deeply meaningful friendships so bad that I sacrificed a big chunk of my spiritual persona for that of a furry who needs to admit polygamy. Though he Denys it the friendship in this imaginary world is leading to a homosexual relationship. This is my Tantabus and I feel like if I let go this darkness will disappear and I will have my Calico in real life. Yet, a much bigger part of me is screaming out to hold on. The real Calico will come. His friendship will be solid. In fact my temptation to emotionally bond to his inner core will only be a pointless phobia. Our brotherly love will deepen and our faith will grow exponentially without a sinful relationship to drown us in sorrow. If none of this makes sense then thank Adoni your not the interpreter. If you do get everything I am saying I ask you keep me vanilla cola and save the cherries for later. Send me a message on here because I do feel trapped. I was desperate for friendship and I went places I wish I never heard of. Florida Man has some conspiracy that is false, but the truth is very strange. Though I seen the underground myself and know what is conspiracy only makes me feel like God has compassion. My failure to have faith and become impatient with friendship is being forgiven. Yet, I still need to seek out the narrow path out of this rabbit hole. Again the stuff on Furbooru is meant to be playful and two of them express difficult emotions I can’t understand. All I know is that there some sort of balance within these two illustrations. Taking them out of the art community won’t solve the problem. there is one illustration I am working on where I hope to find my way out. Mind you it needs to be removed from the internet entirely and stashed away in my offline private diary. Calico makes a beautiful character, but only if I destroy my Tantabus. . . Again the pants Lily is wearing is protective underwear at best. It really is like a meditation type garment where he is submissive like a child before God. When you put things into the art community it’s best to be careful how you approach spirituality. Furbooru and Derpibooru are very accepting of Christians. Just don’t pick a fight with the wrong artist if you get me.

Sorry for going silent there for a while. I had things in my life that went crazy. One of them being my washer and drier. I also took time to think through my artwork on this topic mentioned. I feel a lot better, but...... So, I have some interesting news on this. The autism group I am working with got the ball rolling for a Bible Study with others with mental disabilities. Its slow because I will be getting a surgery in a matter of days. The actual thing is on hold until next month. Lastly I have faced a few fears with my diary. I done some figure studies with the application of it upon furry anthro. I found that my art improved and it really has helped me mentally. I can actually see my problems being drawn out. It may not be the greatest method, but I found myself become much more secure about my spiritual and biological identity. I found my pastels again. I don't need to be a femboy. If my fashion can be reasonably presentable masculine inside of my pastels then its not with the intent of being effimate, but instead a much deaper notion of who God made me to be. Fearfully and wonderfully made a male being in arts.

A Snippet of My Mind When ever I am struggling with something I tend to overthink it. My was diagnosed with OCD at a young age. I been taking prescribed meds since I was little. Obsessive thinking is kind of part of my disability in autism. One of my ways of overcoming it is through focussing my emotions into persionalities and giving them names. Even going as far as to make them into illustrations. I began this back in 2007-08 approximately. My inspiration came from Christopher Polini via his character Saphira. Although I eventually renamed mine Seria (See-Air-Ahh). From there others were created and out of despratism I began to talk to them pretending they responded back. At first this felt out of place. I was litterally talking to the wall. Over time; however, I became very accustomed to it. To the point I could not handle my disability without it there. In some ways I could hear my inner being from these characters who I made out of my emotions. Of course I had people question my sanity. I even had people try to convince me I had demons in my head. When friends and family demanded I give it up I hit severe depression. Even to the point of seeing nothing, but darkness in my imagined world. Out of panic I realized I could not feel them there. Almost as if my emotions were drifting away from me. Late that night I felt something come over me and said, "I have everything under control." I was convinced it was God who spoke to me. My parents took me to the hospital due to concerne I would do self harm. With a stuffed animal my emotions were very stable. After being connected to a stress device there was no apparent reason for them to keep me there. After this event of my life I slowly was able to retreive my ability to imagine my wonderland again. Since then I gotten back into writing my books. Mostly trying to solidify a story with outlines. Today my focus is on two characters who form the center of the main characters. The key is a Dragon named Timothy Fathorn. His novel will be written last of the first 4. The first two are upon the Truman family and Molly Charleston. Essentially painting a picture of what my life is like as I overcome my problems. Timothy Fathorn is what my life could be like if I failed to overcome my problems. Then the healing process was left up to a mentor. In his case its Dragon Trainer Paul inspired by the Apostle Paul. The one paired with this novel is Rosseta Patchling. She ends up being married to Timothy. She has loose ties to my past relationships. As for Molly I am debating on whether to have her be friendshp to Noah or to make them a joined marrage. I think its important to understand while my imagined world with the Characters may not be physically there... It is real in that its my emotions illustrated and narrated. Its something allowing me to grasp my problems realistically. Even to the point of overcoming it all. With God at the center of my Wonderland I know I can do all things. I know I can endure the most difficult of my life hardships. In Christ I can endure.

Finding friendship has not been easy, but to put God in a box would be very naive thinking. If not... very vain of me to consider my circumstances greater then God. Yet, I struggle sometimes due to not having close friendships. While most in my area of creativity are not Christian those who are tend to not feel comfortable around me. Like I said in my original piece; I form a close bond. My attraction to the inner persona makes things difficult. Thanks for the point in the right direction. I am involved with a Church, but few were willing to hang out with me. Although there is hope. Another writer has mentioned they needed an illustrator. Even going as far as to go with me to a writers guild. Things are moving slow, but I fall into my own darkness. I begin to doubt which leeds me to distrust.

I have an undesired bisexual/pan attraction and I fear social interaction because of it.

If I need to move this elsewhere I won't be offended. Just don't delete it. I would appreciate if I can copy it for use elsewhere if it cannot be on this forum via the adult side. Introduction Of Topic Honestly I don't want to be told I was born this way. My relationship status has been, "Long Distance." I am an A-typical guy since my teenage years. I find a lot within pastel colors and mystical imaginary things. Lastly My orientation is undesired. Oddly enough my first time really noticing was from some one pointing it out to me. While getting close to other men is normal forming a relational bond is not. At least not for me. In short I have bi-tendencies. I distance myself from people when I feel like a bond is forming. While I know this is my trust issues I still can't identify why I get so close emotionally to other men. The good news is my girlfriend is very accepting of my autistic devices. Even her stuffed animals is a talking point. Bad news is she moved a couple states away. Add that my interests in craft is difficult to find friends in. Specifically Christian ones. Which adds to the already complex status. I made a few mistakes with every mans battle, but I am grateful I never lost my V-card. Thanks to my social phobias. Private Art Diary One area I found helpful was figure art. Taking biology into a more pure art form. I even began merging it with anthromorphology. Basically biological structures human to animal theory. With a veterinary anatomy book I began studying basics. While this is not lust by itself I wonder if implementing it into my private offline diary could be. Idealy theoretical reproduction systems is well... Theoretical. Also note its a study of this process. Not making a meal off of it. If you catch my drift. Actually its more of a study of inner egg to child birth. Then its similar to egg laying. Which most people don't really find provocative unless your that oddball that opened up a science book and magically got excited at diagrams. A lizard or snake lays an egg. Generally the problem is within a line being drawn. Human anatomy being merged with mystical fantasy. Aka.... it is identifiable and better judgement needs to considered. Part of this is examining myself with this orientation I don't desire. Then expressing something of it to try and identify the real issue causing it. Scripture basis As far as I understand the scriptures Specifically "Corinthians NT," about taking it in and dwelling on it. Then this turned to lust and was the immorality that Apostle Paul was trying to convey to the Church in Corinth. In all actuality there were underlying meanings giving the impression this was a sign for a problematic heart condition. Lust came about because of something deeper. Let be real for a second though. Its difficult for me to say because I am still grasping Acts and Titus. I only took short readings in Corinthians. Also note that there are two letters Apostle Paul wrote? I find it very cliche, but I am going to say it anyway. Sexual immorality was indeed a problem even for the Church then. I could at least admit I am not alone to these problems. Forgive me for this next one. King of Solomon even clearly painted the picture in Ecclesiastes. "Nothing is new under the sun," and "All is vanity," if not for "Our Salvation in Christ." So, in essence I need a point in the right direction. I won't be shairing my private diary mind you, but I am willing to share some self reflection I think may be helpful to others. Obviously I won't be sharing my biology art anytime soon. I will admit there is some for critique. Which is another question I need answering. At what point does a particularly theory become untasteful? All together in Expressed Emotions The art is basically the structure of these these theories. Characters and a fictional species of many kinds. I won't debate over my calling. I know this be beating a dead horse. However, my calling in art and writing is within a story expressing personal things in a vague if not unrecognizable way. While the true life is there hiding in plain site I never had anyone outside of family point it out. At least not without me giving it away. As much as I hate to admit it... This has become a very therapeutic tool in other aspects. With Andrew Loomis being made a furry this kind of pushes it a little. Although again its focal point is identifying key issues causing my problems. Knowing how to keep this diary without it betraying me is the real item. I keep thinking to myself the early Church was faced with the exact same problems. Only this was rooted in idolatry and the "offered to idols," thing. Here I am purely taking science and expressing difficult things. Then applying scripture to this meditation. Although we might mention the elephant in the room. Some pastors joke about the guy who preached with no cloths on. Forget about mamillion biology for a second. This guy was completely exposed. I suppose the real issue here is the raw scripture itself. What is my heart motives in this? Until I confront these issues I am left throwing darts at a target blind folded. Simply hoping I land on "the scripture," I am looking for. So, I hope this giant wall of text was not too awful to read through. Not an easy topic and I need a point in the correct direction.

I hate my cellphone. LoL God-with-us = Immanual, Emmanuel, or is it Emanuel? Spellcheck can't take Holy Father apparently.... #kidding

"How many names and descriptions can you list commonly used for God of the Bible?" My Backstory on this When I was a teenager my mother basically cornered me at the stairs up to my room. Told me I needed new hobbies. Got a tad bit tired of robots and fantasy mythical creatures. I hated music when I was in 1st and 2nd grade. You would have never guessed it if you met me in person today. I also hated the science of light and transparent items which is another story. I told her I would be interested in learning guitar. Not long after that I was going to lessons once a week. Outside the rooms was a waiting room and a music store. Inside the waiting room was a poster for a 100+ names, words, and phrases identifying God. I got to thinking about it and figured I would start a thread on it. I will start with my favorite ones. ... Emanuel and Adoni

Like a Child "Mathew 18" First off you don't need a plushy or pacifier to accomplish what Mathew 18 is describing. I don't think Jesus actually meant it that way either. In those times a child was probably a wad of fabric or similar instead of a pacifier. My autistic devices may carry the title, but only because it keeps people from taunting me. Why use those derogatory terms if I am already using babyfur as the title? This leads me to my next point. Just because something said is hurtful or otherwise unhelpful does not mean they became a stumbling block. A stumbling block is when a person is detoured from fallowing Christ or otherwise cause them to fail. In my experience hurtful words often times brought to my attention things I had to change. My point in this is simple. The place I find most healing is in my little headspace. Does not necessarily need to be an activity directly associated with child like spirit. Honestly in my perspective some childish things is the exact opposite of what Jesus is was talking about. First Corinthians thirteen gives us some "things" to think about when it comes to this. Love is not about being a child anyway. At least not in the sense of no responsibilities. When it comes to our actions we should know what we do can carry responsibility. Good, bad, or otherwise... Love innocent and caring like a child is most important. This is true religion after all. To love and care for the orphan and widow in their time of need. Yet, without converting to worldly expectations. My Life right Now I have so much to overcome and I feel like I still need to heal from difficult wounds. My biggest wish is to have an in person friendship who not only tolerates my quarks, but also shares similar interests. Honestly, I would be satisfied with an art and writing type of Bible Study. I know even this would be a pure miracle from God. It be more likely I form a friendship with artist, writers, and DIY'rs who are not all that spiritual themselves. I have a few who seem very tolerable with my plushies. I would not doubt they would tolerate my use of an autistic pacifier. I would bet they would encourage it. Seeing how it helps me talk less. When I do its several times more productive and not random. God is still healing me on things. I keep tripping up with my desperate desires for meaningful friendship. I compromise on my Christianity either to settle dispute or to present myself tolerable in the secular world. I had some difficult disputes with my local LGBT and Pagan groups. Compromise on Faith While I am not part of any local groups I sometimes think on hanging out in one. Fortunately "bittersweet," I got into a brutal debate over Christianity that screwed my last attempt. I compromised my faith in hopes I would have friends. After seeing a Pagan's derogatory antisemestic posts I lost my temper. Long story short I threatened to alert the police if things turned violent. After I realized I lost my temper I tried to apologize only to be cyber attacked with cuss word filled messages. This messed up my chances with this particular group. Another time I compromised my faith was with a My Little Pony group. I would never disregard my families concerns, but I bent things a little when going to Bronycon. Even after I did it was not enough and I was told off by some one in our group. Then my mother was told off by this person. My particular compromises were around very small dis-information. I never lied. In fact I did'nt say anything of it at all. I just did not tell my family anything. Apparently this was not enough for them and my most loved friend turned against me and later years left my life entirely. One last compromise to mention to prove my point. In my highschool years I was required to read dirty narratives. While I did refuse at first I eventually made a few compromises in order to stay out of trouble. I got sick of being told to go sit in the halway. To this day I have narrative or otherwise violent things that disturbed me. Mostly its mistrust in people. Putting The Bible First I know I should not dwell on worry. Yet, my prayers are focussed on worst case scenario. I find that I handle these obsessive compulsives thoughts in my imagined world. In this world my emotions have names and characteristics. My center is my babyfur named Lily. A small, wingless, fur-covered dragon. While age is insignificant I find hints at age helpful. All my thoughts have names essentially. If they give me more then I can handle I tell them to leave. Although keep in mind some of them leave on their own. Either because they are no longer interested or I made mistakes they were hurt by. My own place of prayer is vibrant in this wonderland. It helped to form a rather deep book series I hope to publish. In length it would put the original starwars to shame. I am not fond of the new stuff Disney added. The old original had so much creativity in filming. The new Star Wars just sort of feels deflated without this theatrical narrative. Getting off my soap box though. A tree planted by the waters is a symbol of strength. A water lily standing proud of the water symbolizes faith and endurance. While it was God who provided the bed rock and ecosystem it was the Lily flower that chose to defy all odds. Including the period of time when it was washed out of its original home. Instead of shriveling up it decided to keep trying to put root into what ever bedrock it could reach. Eventually God provided me a place I washed into by his circumstances. With no undercurrents or constant changes in my surroundings. I was provided a new pond with a new eco system. Beavers provided the damns and the surroundings of strong trees provided me further protection. I might not makes sense at times. I might be not your typical dragon with my fur and warm blooded demeanor. I may even hit upon symbolic expression of Biblical scripture, but I have hope in Christ. When I am dealing with my emotions I hope people won't disregard them by telling me their not real. They are in my heart and thats all that matters. Molly my anthro catbun knows all to well the dark places we all have been. Yet, her shear joy in difficult moments is the emotions that stabilize me. Seria likewise only her thing is past events. As a scaly typical dragon she symbolizes my historic moments that are uplifting. I give my emotions and thoughts names and I have control over my OCD that way. God provided me with healing waters.

I lost a wonderful friend who was like a brother to me under this basis. He told me that I was spreading lies about the gospel and hate upon the LGBT community. After losing his mother to cancer and his dog shortly after he turned down his fathers offer to transistion. His father was divorced long before, so its not surprising. However, to me it was heart breaking because he was my only friend who knew me inside and out and I him. We went to the same church who my cusion married the pastors daughter. While my stance on LGBT plus sign and percent sign ;P is different then most Christians I still deny this method as a reasonable way to deal with homosexuality and transgenderism as a practical answer. Only through Christ do we find our way home. Same for abortion. It is murder of God's children in the Zigot stage of pregnancy. To simply kill your own child is a monsterous way to do birth control. Also note that removing the egg out of the Fallopian tube is not abortion. Its a way to save a mother from this developing to the point they both die. Also note that we have ICU's and yet have no desire to create a way to take this unborn from dangers of death to developing outside the wohmb. The child would need to develope far enough to where it can reasonably be put into an ICU. Again this is something we have technology for and yet never wanted to create scientific treatments for it. The mother would survive and the child if they die would not be in vain as it would.

I personally hope to do lyrics, but its not my type either. My thing is taking recorded lecture or otherwise sermons and use specific phrases to build up tension and then release for the outro. I have not made anything myself as of yet. With my synth still being built my thing has been instrumental like yours. Piano, cello, and guitar. Its been a while since I recorded something to be mastered in some way. I personally love the idea of creating something that was never there in the original source lectures. Maybe even mod short phrases to sound like pure fantasy in a mystical war. I agree whole heartedly. Its a pity that not many get instrumental or otherwise, "without lyrics." Some of our most modern stuff in contemporary comes from classical concepts. J. S. Bach, Beethoven, and otherwise classical era.

I personally find this sad and irritating. Although my identity issues were very mild I did encounter similar. I wish they would stop making stereotype/social constructs as part of the argument. Its gender dysphoria. We are fearfully and wonderfully created. Our identity is within spirituality. As in.... Our identity is in Christ alone and not in our flesh. I found wonderful help in these scriptures. A tad bit late to look them up. So, I am paraphrasing. Gender is not about how you feel, the cloths you wear, its about your reproductive assignment. In marriage this carries over into fatherhood and motherhood. We may be in the world, but not of the world. In that... our outward expression does not rely on colors or fashions. Instead its of our heart and how we present ourselves.

Imaginative or otherwise Fathomistic I been criticized in the past for having an imagination. I began it all during my highschool years. I was looking through my writing a couple months ago. Basically trying to put together my work on my novels. Surprisingly I came across writing I did for my senior class of 2009. I was especially surprised to see how open I was about my wonderland. Even based an assignment on it with the therapeutic benefits. The idea is self reflection. In my methods its a place I can go before God. Although I credit my first years in school to my vanishing moments. Sometimes when my anxiety or depression gets bad I slip into this world where I replay events with differing outcomes. My only way out is to use this wonderland to my advantage. If pressed into a corner metaphorically speaking I find it hard to breath normally. I never hyperventilated, but I really would not be surprised if a day comes. I have a hiatal hernia which could make this more likely. I had a ph test done that qualified me for surgery. While this will help with reflux issues it might not resolve the problems underneath those areas. The surgeon even confirmed this. Mostly stating there will be things here and there that happen. Basically its a magnetic band around the entry to the stomach. Not the lap band or whatever its called for weight loss. Thats over the stomach area. My band will be above that. Thankfully I will be off work for a month to recover. The 25lb limit will put me on medical leave via my works requirements. The down side is missing my bills slightly. My family will most likely take care of things. If I was blessed it be the family God gave me through adoption. Sleepless nights My job currently has me as night janitor which is great. However, before this I attempted a day job and college/tech school. I could not learn calculus on the computer. My best was in systems of equations. Outside of advanced algebra I need clear organization in my math. Techschool was a last resort. My teacher hated my math organization. Said it took way too long. No matter what I did I could not learn NEC math or otherwise NFPA stuff without organization of my notes in a graphical sense. My biggest praise report is the healing I been getting. I may not be able to do school, but my fascination of number systems in electronics satisfy me. If my books become entrepreneurship with janitorial as my night job I rest knowing I am exactly where God needs me to be. My Odd Sleeping habits I got to where I will have over ten pillows. A couple different bed sets, and about 3 plushies on a full-bed. My stomach problems and my emotions just seem easier this way. I am grateful that God kept me from affixiation from reflux. I would wake up just in time to swallow and catch my breath. I was not told about waiting an hour after I ate. So, eventually I went from a medium 18inch plush to a 5 foot. Then got pillows when ever I could afford them. I remembered one doctor from my teenage years mentioning how this happened just laying down. I was not really thinking about during normal sleep. I honestly wanted a way to hold my plushie without the problem. Meditating I suppose you could say. I wanted a bed with railing around it. Its been frustrating how things would simply fall off. I was even thinking about making a toddler inspired bed. Yet, in recent years I found it be easier to make it more like a play pen. While my pastels and art might make this seem too childlike deep down I love this. It makes a worthy challenge to my multifaceted craft. Sewing, wood working, and if I really wanted arduino type programming into a plushy stars on ceiling thing. At the end of the day we all look for sleep in a safe place. Somehow my nightly time before the Lord may seem childish. I know all too well that if C. S. Lewis was like this with bed time stories and fairy tales then maybe its not the end of the world to have my soft place and plushie friends. "I put away childish things including the fear of being childish." (C. S. Lewis, In Writing for Children Essay)

Organization Aspects Things have been going really well for my workshop. I did a start on a project I sat down for a while. I need to get back in the battery power unit, but its on hold till I have money for it. For the most part it seems like many prayers are being answered. May not be in the way I want it, but God is taking me into areas I almost given up hope for. I also been looking at my days for possible improvements in goals. Communication verbally is my worst. I grasp writing so much better. It is an answered prayer seeing I found common ground with my workers. Even with my grandmas workers. Thankfully everyone knows who is who. My grandmother is going through dementia. While my autism makes setting goals difficult Goals Longterm About ten or fifteen years back I got a calling into art and writing. I attempted higher education 3 different times in my life. While I have not given up entirely I do know my communication skills need to be ten times better if I ever attempted it again. Ideally I would have a career in engineering. However, again my verbal communication skills need work. This obviously is a longterm goal of mine. The one adjacent to it is taking my multifaceted craft of expression to entrepreneurship. Those working with me were looking into this. However, not having a drivers license has brought me to a halt. With my organizational skills and my verbal communication this really becomes impractical. I have a drivers permit, but finding practice has been tricky. At the end of the day its better to have goals set and something reasonable for progress. My writing may lack in spelling and grammar at times, but only because I have spell check turned off at times. I sometimes get anxious over the red and green lines. Removing this temporarily at least helps with drafting. Schedual ideas? Primarily what I am noticing is art is best Sundays. Perhaps done with a daily devotional at night 3 times a week. Writing obviously everyday because it helps with anxiety. Laundry on Mondays with cleaning my room in early evening. Doing a technical application to my big project once a day. When the sun sets there really needs to be progress made. I was given the idea to use a calendar with stickers. Basically to represent what I did each day. When the sun sets I hope to have stickers I add.

I decided to change this to fit more into an art diary. Many forums I been on linked to a central blog where I kept all forums connected. Some forums don't allow links and in general I find it better to fix one just for this forum. Recent Events Good news is that I got a lot accomplished. The bad news is Wix made me angry recently. I will still put together a sort of album and series for the synth project. I will try to get everything updated by Tuesday. My wood shop has been a big project yesterday for cleaning. I built a table for soldering and assembling things. I also cleared out all the saw dust that has been accumulating. Just to give myself a reward and to find encouragement I worked on a solder board. Basically the board that will be responsible for converting digital to analogue CV. My primary focus in my synth project will be MIDI and finalizing a 128 CV output panel. The fallowing will be the very beginning to the computer of the synth. Embedded systems incase any of you are wondering. Processors as well, but slimmed down to work with minimal computing. My Art I want to study textures. I need to practice rendering fur first. My books and goals for publishing depend on it. I took photos of the sun setting because I want to overcome my most lousy art. That being scenery. I have a collection of photo references. Things like light coming through canopy, water, shore birds, and colorful produce. Things I took pictures over the years. My second book I hope to publish is alongside the first. The two go together. Then the next two is same thing. Two very closely connected. The fifth is where the first four come together within the same story line. You get to know the main characters upon these first four novels. A Short Absence From Internet I was busy this week and with my aggravation with Wix I decided to focus on my goals. That is, organizing my craft areas. I have one more room to figure out and my project will start speeding up in progress. I also felt my frustration was not anyones problem to deal with. Primarily it was javascript and the limitations Wix had on it. You can code, but you cannot edit code. So, in essence I was wanting to edit the layout of my pages in an editor that felt more like an ide instead of the lousy cloud software editor. Even when I had developers mode turned on there was no way to edit anything outside the frustrating cloud-software editor. Any of you site admins probably know how frustrating this is. You guys do a wonderful job with Worthy Christian Forums. After my most recent 2-year subscription is used up I will see about getting a dedicated server. I hated the idea of being a web developer. Yet, doing it for my own needs of my multifaceted craft will be the lesser of two evils. My preference is command line terminal. So, I will be studying linux from scratch to see if its possible to customize my own server OS. It is possible. Not practical because your going through a full website software engineering project. Yet, its fitting seeing it will provide me a lot more freedom if I can grasp cyber security concepts and get what ever certificates needed. I imagine Worthy Christian Forums has a big computer tech team.

At Large Asking questions is always a help to me. Gets me to think a tad bit deeper and no one really asks an exact question the exact same way. A lot of my therapist in the past would be very vague as if they did not read any of my writing at all. My newer therapist was a writing teacher so that has improved. I must also mention coming back here was better then continuing with my FB browsing which seemed to be a habit at night before June began. Yet, here is my take on Face Book. As you may have seen my craft is multi-fauceted in that it has many craft skills within. From sketching, wiring, to actual wood craft, and needle craft for a decorative finishing toutch. Needless to say I have many connections to different crafters. Fur-suiters, minimalistic computer builders, and synthesizer builders just to name a few. Every craft has its dark side on the internet. With it being Face Book any type of censorship whether it be user-maintained or admin/mod-maintained is frowned upon. I sort of bite the bullet and put up with their voices against all sorts of hot topics. It was getting where I could not really take any of them. Although I found my circle of Christian-furries to be the most helpful. Even their own struggles provided me veiwpoints to overcoming my own. Which is a big reason I created a personal blog on my FFIC website. It was in hopes I could neavigate to my calling of Art, Writing, and DIY-music as the outlet of friendship. While some hit the contact-me page not all the ones I wanted actually reached out. In all honesty this is not a let down. In actuality I would not know where Google gets their statistics on Wix. It could very well be all of my friends who read my content. Yet, not having the time to leave a note. Its this that brings me hope that when the stats of my website go from a nagative intiger to a positive intiger and percentage shows me what God promised me. Yet, I accept any outcome regardless because I could not handle all the secular veiwpoints that got extreme. Such as forcing artist to do LGBT works simply because the artistic expression of the consumer is thought to be more important then the artist/crafter in question. Like you illustrated? In Short This is the reason for doing away with FB. There are times I would be up late at night just scrolling through. With things like Art forums, tech forums, and spiritual forums there is no scrolling. Instead there is a wait time necessary for people to respond. This wait time is helpful for me to actually get away and do things that I otherwise would not if it be Face Book. Like getting to sleep at night when I already am having trouble getting home 10pm and bing up past midnight. I appreciate everything the admins and mods do on these smaller forums. When its a server in the basement and its simply a hobby people take their websites very responsibly. Sometimes more so then a comercial based website such as Face Book. So even if anyone feels their small hobby of a server in their house for a forum may not seem like much.... It means everything to me.

First off I totally apologise for the double thread. My computer glitched when I hit the tab button. Via input exited the text and the next button press posted it. Laymens terms are not my best. Sorry..... Ok More so..... I have a praise report to this first. I done my norm for June and did a detox of Face Book. With it being Pride month I find it personally necessary. Things went well looking at the bigger picture. I was able to overcome a lot of things. I hit some low moments, but my therapist and social counselor noticed improvements. I decide on aultimately deleting my Face Book. I want to stick with forums like this one. I am on Furbooru, Derpibooru, and Furaffinity for posting my art. The provided custom filters tools have been really helpful to my goals. I slipped up here and there though. In the long run it appears that my positive attitude is being noticed by others. The one thing that is making this difficult is finding other ways to keep in contact with people. For me Google and Yahoo is really difficult to keep up with. They keep changing things around when ever I get the hang of things. Which by the way this is the story for everyone I assume. I suppose my biggest component to this problem is making a commitment. I want to cut away things I know I cannot handle. Yet, some of them such as email is not exactly possible. I would love to throw out my cell phone and replace it with a mobile hotspot. Than I would build my own portable media device with a raspberry pie. The only problem with this is losing text and call. I would be limited to email. However, there might be a Linux based system that could do texting. My primary question is within this context.... "How do I disconnect myself from social media and things where I become anxious and depressed?" I am also open to others providing their stories. So long as things stay on topic don't hesitate to add them. Your not hijacking this thread if it stays on topic.

My computer glitched so please delete this thread. Thankyou

My mega-pixel camera I use for getting my art on computer is heavy on file sizes. My cell phone is also a sort of megapixel. Iphone 10.... So we shall see how this goes. I want to at least try to share some of my art. My sermon notes are all done with an illustration. I find it best to sketch note. Which is why I never made it through higher education. It was a hit or miss with every so college professor. Below is a piece with the illustration transferred to a new sheet.

Some might remember me. I left initially because I could not socialize or find common ground. I had prayers answered in the past two years. While I am nowhere I want to be my life seems to be on track. I moved out of my apartment and into a house. I got an instructional drivers permit and my books are on track. I got a job as a night janitor. The only problem now is practicing for my drivers test. I am still using my coping devices because otherwise I feel as though I would hyperventilate. My GI doctor thinks it has to do with my diaphragm and reflux problem. I will be getting a band surgically put in to help with the reflux. However, this won't replace my items. Both my GI and my therapist is supportive of these items. My reason for trying again with this forum is to better understand biblical theology. In my viewpoint the OT is meant for identifying ones own heart motive. The NT is to help formulate a plan to overcome life problems. Friendship has been difficult, but has improved. I have social phobias I am still trying to overcome.

I actually have several furry friends who are Christian. A lot of them are attacked by the LGBT as you probably can imagine. One of my friends has an OC that is a Dragon. I have two OC's because its based on the therapeutic concept of age regression. One is comparable to the age of ten, but also imagines himself the age of a toddler. His name is Lily because in my books he was born in a river full of water lilies. His species has to do with live birth and being covered in fur. My other OC is a scaly dragon comparable to the age of 20. Although he tends to doubt himself and can be compared to the age of 16 because he really cant grasp adult maturity perfectly. The Brony fandom and the Furry subculture does not directly translate to LGBT. . Some of us prefer to use this as a coping strategy or a way to make new friends. My little Pony was supposed to be about making deep meaningful friendships before politics hit it like a tun of bricks. We had an anthem. We would say, "love and tolerate." We encouraged one another to fight the media that told lies. Some people committed suicide of the school bullies. Can you imagine? Not even in middle school yet and children are ending it all because their friendship was something special. I still stand by the old anthem to, "love and tolerate." Only now its a fight within our own community because of the politics that hit recently. Season 9 actually was an epic fail because Hasbro was trying to get out of these problems with politics. I don't want to be stepping on any ones toes with what a promise from God is. Especially because you took the time to read my lengthy wall of text. There are a couple different instances in the Bible where God made a promise, but fulfilling that promise took years of patience. When I say calling I really referring to a promise from God I was given. My life was very difficult from the beginning. I was adopted to begin with. My birth father tried to claim he was the second coming of Jesus in court. Then the counselor who helped my parents with identifying my disability had some words of warning. My brother was diagnosed with turrets syndrome in close proximity to my diagnosis. I was mute until I was a toddler. The counselors told my mother she will have to fight for my right to learn. I was given an IEP, but I had been bullied for it and even told I was cheating at times. Like my methods of learning such as sketch noting looked like I was cheating when in reality I was sketching the meaning of things on my tests. I was told to stop sketching and pay attention. In reality I was paying attention. I also want to point out that things happened in my life that I never could explain unless I looked at the promises that God gave me. There were times it infuriated me because I could not explain some these things don't make a lick of sense. Eventually I gave up and accepted it. These things happen because God has given me a story to write. The more I run away the worst my life gets. Eventually I was in a class to become an electrician. It was like Jona and the whale. My depression got so bad that it was like I was swallowed by a whale. Was not the first time because stupid me did not really go back to my calling. The first time I questioned my existence. The only thing missing was a reason to end it all. God called out to me. It was very different from how my imagination works. I recognize my inner voice. I don't know how to explain it, but I do. God told me that he has everything under control. It took a while to recover the first time, but I did. Now in current time I have no doubt in my mind that my book series was promised to me by God. I can give you several examples from the Bible on similar moments to this. God will not leave or forsake you. He will not be mocked. If he made a promise it will come to pass. . End notes I do hope that you guys notice I am trying to understand your view points. Some how Gods word as a whole does not portray broken promises. I can look up examples. One of them if I remember correctly was a women who was thought to be too old to bare a child. She simply could not believe she was pregnant until it was physically impossible to deny. God made me a promise and to me that is what the real rainbow is about. Its not about pride. Instead its about a promise. Noah was in a big boat for a long time before he saw the Olive leaf. When he did he knew the rain ended and there was dry land out there somewhere.

First off I noticed the back grounds and themes have been upgraded. This forum must have gotten a new dedicated server. Either that or a spot of brilliance from the techs involved with this forum. Congratulations to the owner of the dedicated server! Most importantly I do understand my concept of taking the Bible as a whole instead of taking a single scripture and isolating it often offends people. I feel like if I give up now then my faith would not be a pebble much less a pebble to the power of 2. I suppose you could say my studies in the binary number system has been moving along well. So why am I here asking for advice? . Well my fathers' IT noticed my big project in sound synthesis. Said he would like to see if I could learn the material in software. The problem is that I am scared to go back to college. I rather be an assistant then to be something that required a degree. I also have my calling in becoming a published writer and a recognized artist to think about. When I look at my life I know God has called me to write and create very deep and meaningful art. Specifically in anthropomorphic anatomy. This is often times called the Furry subculture. As you may have guessed artists in this subculture span very wide. The one story that really helps me stay focused is the biographies of C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien. They were the closest friends that you could ever imagine. Then one day they were anything but, friends. I lost a friend to the transgender LGBT debates. He told me that he could not be friends with some one who spreads hate and lies about the LGBT. He blocked me on FB as well as broke off any connection to the Church that we went to. I stuck with my Church even though I needed to distance myself for a little while. . I started going back for College and young career Church. We call it Remix even though our thing is contemporary Christianity instead of hymnal. In simple words our lessons are based off of a theme instead of going in Chronological order of the Bibles Books. The new topic was in sexual purity. I won't go into details sense this might not be the place to. However, its got me thinking about my career life. If I go back to college I will be facing a risk of Liberal ideology being forced on me. If I am promoting my art and writing I would not be surprised if I get attacked for being Christian. The college nearby creates equal opportunity and even has connections to my Church. This would be an ideal place to try again. I failed in the past because I was in algebra where the last topic we hit was the study of x,y graphs, and systems of equations. The very next class was Pre-Calculus where the first thing we were to learn was the parent equations. I was still getting the hang of factoring polynomials. I put up a good fight until we got to synthetic division. I could not have asked for a better teacher. However, time was very limited and we had to get into regular calculus by the next semester. The final straw was when I attempted tech school. Long story short the teacher knew nothing about algebra and when I tried to learn his arrhythmic the teacher refused to talk to me after class. Said that I needed to grow up and realize no one will teach me. Either I was to pick it up or decide to leave. I mentioned this story before, but thats the jist of it. So in general I am not sure if I have a clear understanding of what path I need to take next.