melissa528

thank you all so much for your replies and insight and support.......whysoblind....yes i wanted him for me....the way i felt about him ....yes there was desire....no i dont want him with another woman after all ive been thru and stood by him thru thick and thin.....so honestly yes i am selfish..... i dont want to be in bondage myself with loving someone...sooo much... that it destroys me as a person,,,,making me bitter cold and all my joy drained.... i have been asking God to restore my zest for life ...and my joy...i have been so depressed and despondant....my friend keeps talking about changing...but his treatment of me just places so much distance ...i honestly dont feel he loves me.....not the way he acts and yes i have thought about him finally being free only to be with someone other than me....that hurts terribly...i am so tired and i feel he is further and further from me.....he has done some terrible rotten things to me....i used to think and believe things would get better...and yes i have been good to him.....but i dont feel he appreciates me or sees my worth... so now i just pray Gods will, i can not keep worrying....and i am trying to do just that ....lay my desires at His feet....i know He can and will help me no matter what i go thru..... thanks again for all your replies.....your support and encouragement helps so much God bless you all melissa

lily i am not a therapist but i do feel the right one can be helpful ...because why? because the way they talk to you and help you to see your worth as person....sometimes this is so hard for us to see dont blame yourself lily for what happened then or since then in your life....because you were molested ....you probably have done things in the last few years that brought you pain and even things that have made you feel confused and worthless of a person... i can tell you are hurting but remember God has already forgiven you even for things you may have done just yesterday... so dont you let the devil beat you up like that....he is a liar and the father of lies...... God does see and understand, He loves you ....and He does understand.... stay encouraged...lily and we all love you too and are routing for you.... God can heal your emotional scars,,, much love and prayers are with you melissa

i have been in love thought this person was my soulmate ...i have never ever felt for anyone like i did/do him...i still love him ....even when i wanted to hate him and hated his lifestyle....he is in the gay lifestyle,,, when i met him 10 years ago ...i never once doubted that one day he would be delivered from this lifestyle...i have prayed for him...fasted for his deliverance...nothing....even if he were never to be with me in a relationship...i always believed God did not create him this way he was saved as a child yet raped by an uncle at age 9 and he has lived in the gay lifestyle all of his teen and adult life....he believes in Jesus as his personal savior and even says that he doesnt believe people are born this way because he believes what the bible says ...yet he says it is a stronghold and he doesnt know how to be free and stop feeling this attraction and need for a man.... we have talked at length and he has prayed for himself went up to the alter and asked them to pray for his deliverance and even tried to stay away from his 'familiar' as he calls it ....yet he always goes back to it....it seems too strong recently he said he 'has answered his calling' ...he always has believed that God called him into ministry but because he could not gaurantee his own self or God that he would not be with a man again....he would never really pursue stepping behind a pulpit ....because he felt this would not be correct in God's eyes nor could he really help anyone else if he was still trapped in this 'lust' for men.... every time i think i see a real change in him and that this time is for real...he always ends up running off with a man....and continueing the only life he has ever really known,...he has no real attraction for women not the way a man should and doesnt even consider himself bisexual...he has never had a relationship with a woman...and he is 33 yrs old about two years ago ....i trembling...told God...' i give up' .....i vowed to never pray for him like that again...it just was too painful and i told God ' if you want him delivered then you do it, im tired of praying . im tired of hoping. im just plain tired!' i was a little angry at God because i didnt understand why?....and i still dont....why was he and is he on my heart no matter what....and why am i stupid enough to believe he actually can change...my faith is seriously challenged.... i never wanted to say to anyone that 'this' is too hard for God......i never wanted to believe that ANYTHING a person was bound in was impossible or at least improbable..... what hope is there for the homosexual really or the drug (crack ) addict....no he is not on crack but my girl friends boyfriend is and i keep giving her hope that God can do anything and change all that....after all no rehab programs seem to work for the crack addict....so God is thier only hope! isnt HE? why then do i just hear these stories of hope and miracles on tbn etc....yet I HAVE NEVER SEEN IT IN MY LIFE AND CIRCUMSTANCES AND IN THE PEOPLE I CARE FOR AND PRAY FOR... CAN A HOMOSEXUAL TRULY CHANGE? this is a deep psychological issue and no therapists seem to have the answers ...IT NEVER PHASED ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS DID BELIEVE GOD COULD CHANGE ANYONE....NO BONDAGE WAS TOO HARD FOR GOD... but after 10 years i feel like my faith and strength to believe is gone....i know for sure i believed .....i kept faith ....and always believed .....i felt like i was one who did agree that and i would and have for ten years told my friend so... but after so many years ....so many disappointments and tears.......do i dare believe it....? or is it all some kind of hype that the church gives out all these testimonies just because it sounds good and boost their ratings? do healings and true deliverance from issues of life really happen? please help me to understand why i feel so compelled to believe for a person that seems to be always stuck in this rut all this is extremely frustrating and discouraging. i need help ...i dont want to offend my friend or argue with him about feelings and desires that to him are real and that he cant just pull out of..... i am hurting so bad... but its the same old thing repeatedly day after day.... somebody please agree with me that nothing is impossible....he expresses that he wants out of the gay lifestyle....and please pray for me....because i feel i do need it most of all. .... thank you melissa

i am so sorry you are despondent and hurting....what makes you think your husband doesnt love you?? and never did i mean are you sure because people show love in different ways you know and just because he may not be meeting your emotions the way you want or need doesnt necessarily mean he doesnt care...maybe he is just different than you and doesnt know how to provide reassurance that you need i am so sorry you are hurting....it is important to feel loved in a relationship...everyone has a differnt stlye of how they show love and what they need to feel it...maybe you two are just not connecting on that level for example....some people show love by giving gifts...some by being affectionate sexually physically. ...some show love by being supportive... so if you are the affectionate kind and he is not then you could interpret that as not loving you.....when he simply doesnt express love like that.. do you know what i mean?

i feel so disconnected... while i know God has made a way for me....in many ways ....my life is not what i want it to be and i am not happy at all...my circumstances suck to say the least and have for about the last 8 years.. i dont have a relationship and the relationships i do have are not for me....i am hurting and feel punished and tortured everyday...ive tried to be content but i cant be... ive prayed repented yet i feel like i still fail....i dont know what to do...i have no hope ....for anything good in my life...anymore... i wanted to have a relationship ie marriage with someone i loved that loved me and could make me happy but it just isnt happening for me ive always followed my heart my gut and it used to feel like it was God leading me and everything would work out somehow...now i feel deceived...i cant do what is not in my heart to do... i am divorced attractive intelligent yet i feel so abandoned betrayed used because the people i have loved in the last 8 years didnt work out and i got very hurt... i wonder what God has for me...im so sad and confused...ive prayed read the bible fasted...but still my life feels like it is bearly hanging by a thread....ive felt God ive even heard his voice so i feel like i am one of His despite my flaws and shortcomings... but this is too hard...i am so hurt every day and i want things to go my way and work out for me..i want to be happy...i used to be happy i am the type of person that is happier when in a relationship...i dont like being single and alone...i feel afraid and lonely...no one to hold me and talk out my problems with...no one that really has my best interest at heart... i have some friends but they are selfish and use me up....and the other ones just dont understand me...i need true love in my life but i dont have it ...i wonder why God has left me so lonely... every day i feel afraid and sad....every day i get disappointed and the people who i thought might love me have hurt me deeply and proven they didnt.... why am i here...i dont like it...i feel trapped and so sad...i have a problem with alcohol.... i think i use it or abuse it rather to substitute the lonliness...i try to be happy but it feels like dirt and i hate the fact that i drink but sometimes i feel so overwhelmed...i feel like whats the use...ive had bad things happen to me... i dont know what God wants me to do....i dont know why i am in the state im in...i dont know how or where to turn... i want God to move in a mighty way and work things out in my life...i want to feel happy again...i want to be blessed with blessings poured down and shaken together and running over...i want to stop feeling so frustrated and disappointed every day... i feel a sense of unwellness about my life and situations ...i dont feel like i truly belong anywhere ...ive never felt this way before in my life ...my heart emotions and circumstances all lined up... why are they not lining up now....i know God has not forgotten me...yet i feel cursed somehow...or like HE has....i need things to work out for me.... i am so lonely and there are NO PROSPECTS....the last two men i felt i was in love with....were not available because they did not feel the same for me... i need or want to be loved and happy but all i get is so much hurt and disappointment.... i am reminded daily that i am not really loved or thought about...i am no ones priority....yet i have shown love and given of myself only to feel used and forgotten ....i am hurting so bad... if i had to change anything in my life it would be to have a sense of wellbeing...to get myself together and stop the drinking and some of the friends or should i say the friends of friends who bring people into my life just to aggravate and annoy me...i am so lonely and alone.... where is the person God has for me... where is Gods divine blessings to fulfill my needs....i am so hurt and devastated...my heart is broken and i dont know what to do.... as i said i have prayed fasted and read the bible...i tried but you can only do so much when whats around you isnt what you want or need... i am so angry and feel so trapped and hopeless... i dont know what im looking for here because nothing ever changes....its just bad ....and i dont see any light at the end of this dark tunnel all my siblings are married and happy....they dont think or talk about God like i do...i doubt if they have ever fasted so why is my life so miserable and theirs so happy... i dont understand ...i am devastated yet trying to praise God and hold on to faith..that He will work out things in my behalf... the most thing i realize in all this is how TIRED i am of everything but whats the alternative....i try to find the good things to be thankful for but i feel this dry season has lasted way too long... ive had peaks and valleys but ive been here too long....i need a season of true happiness again in my life and i want it to last a long time......

i knew a girl in high school....she looked basically wierd and yes ugly...looking back on mine and some others photos we all looked pretty awkward and dorky ourselves... i know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that but to me physically she was frighteningly ugly...but she was my friend and she was nice ...but she honestly looked scary.. i dont know what was wrong or why she looked this way...but by senior year she improved greatly and actually looked 'normal'....and had guys talking to her so you never know how people will develop...i noticed her go from extreme low confidence and hanging her head to acting normal ...i dont know if she did something different like get contacts change hairstyle apply noxema and actually i think she did do things to improve herself AND IT WORKED...also her inner self was changing too...her confidence improving from the inside out and it showed....the last time i saw her she was actually pretty and outgoing and had a boyfriend ...i was so happy for her... so yes people change but some of those changes start with you....so do what you can to improve your looks ...hairstyle, clear skin, flattering clothing...and by that i dont mean 'showing it all' ....i mean clothing that suits your individual body type... so work on improving what you can...it will be fun and you can experiment with the looks you want...but most important ask God to guide your inner man....so that you will be beautiful inside and out... dont be so down on yourself ....you are in a growing phase...but most of all dont be afraid to experiment on your look with hairstyles , modest make up and clothing...you will look and feel better and you might be surprised at how things work out for you as far as boyfriends and dating...i dont feel you should stress that....i never dated at all in high school and i didnt feel i missed a thing....i waited for college also to start having a boyfriend and it was much better that way in my opinion...so dont rush that...things will happen for you i promise they will ...you ll see

thank you fiosh... your kind words helped me and also your words to help me remember to pray for the one who stole it... you are right they have lost so much more... my first response is to be angry and want vindication...but honestly i just wanted my gifts back ...they had more sentimental value than any dollar amount... and the worst part is hurting the friend who truly does care about me by having to tell them what happened.... ive never been the type to 'give up' on someone...and i know no one is beyond His reach...but as humans its hard to see where a change is possible in some people...also i can pray for them but i really dont want to associate with them anymore but i will pray for them tonight because my loss is minimal to theirs...what despair must they feel to betray a friend...to steal from a friend... where must thier soul be...perhaps addicted to a substance ...perhaps they feel they truly had no 'real' friends and so have a mindset of betrayal... perhaps they are just evil... and dont care about anyone ... but you are right no one is too far from God... and your advice did help me...it was something i knew from God because i hadnt really even thought about that...or in that way...it comforted me ....thank you

i feel i have no real friends that truly care about me....i dont mean to sound sorry for myself but i just feel these are the facts of my life... i recently 'misplaced ' important jewelry ...ive looked everywhere and in fact i think one of my friends or acquaintances stole it from me...it was a special gift from a special person and now its gone...i am so upset ...i am angry and confused....i try to be kind to everyone and this is the thanks i get... i dont know how to tell the person who gave it to me ...they will probably never give me anything else...i am so upset and i cant prove who did it ...but ive been told after the fact that one of them steals...im so hurt and upset... my beautiful gift is gone...my friends dont really care because they are selfish and my needs and well being is not thier priority or responsibility i know i know you would say find more friends...but the situation is complicated and its not that easy because they are friends of my roomate... so i know its just a matter of time til i see them again and they will smile in my face and act like they care but one of them stole from me...i dont even know who to blame... i just want my stuff back...but i know if it was stolen that i will never see it again... now every one looks at me like im some kind of triffling trash because they say i should have better friends/acquaintances than i do...and maybe they are right...i know i wouldnt really miss them if i never saw them again but i tolerate them for my roomates sake because i care about my roomate... just pray for me to handle this right....and that my things are recovered...and pray God move in my life to get me out of this rut...and send me some people that truly appreciate me and love me....and not just tolerate me... ive been in a bad situation for too many years...im lonely and afraid...i feel like i cant win no matter what i do...if im mean then im wrong ...if im nice...i get used, taken for granted, and stolen from.... i need and want a good happy and peaceful life....but i dont know who to trust and how to find it...i know no one is not perfect and we all have flaws and i am a very tolerant person of others struggles but im tired of getting the short end of the stick... i want someone who is good to me ...im tired of all the drama...i know God can make me into the right person to attract the right person... ive been angry at my life for too long and im trying to change how i deal with people....i have tried to treat my friends better only to be stolen from... im hurting so bad right now....i am so afraid of what my sincere friend will think of me when they learn one of my associates stole their gift to me... please pray this will work out to my good somehow....and that God will give me the strength to make the changes i need to make in order to do better and be better...

i don't really think it is a gift or a curse....ive been in love with the same man for over 8 years and counting and i know he 'can't love me and desire the life with me that i do him because he is 'gay'....i thought i was able to move on ...i did make progress ...i fell in love with someone else ...a friend who comforted me in my dilemma but i can't have a life with him either because he is married and already has a life with someone else... so the only two men i have loved or been interested in for the past 8 plus years either wouldnt #1 or couldnt#2 be with me... i have battled depression over this...ive met others who were interested in me but i had no feelings for them so what's a person to do... i am so thru really and battle hard to try to keep the little bit of joy i have within me... #1 and i are together as friends and while i enjoy him and his friendship my feelings were so much more and the continued rejection still bothers me... i know how you feel....and ive been to 'hell' and back because of my feelings which i cant do anything about... ive prayed for things to change and nothing seems to really get better...just when i think things are looking up for me...something quickly happens to bring me right back down... ive thought and prayed about it and i really feel that it is neither a blessing or a curse but just such 'thing as is common to man' these trials happen to everyone everyday and we are not alone....these trials are common to man....very common....all too common...and it hurts terribly ... but i know God is faithful and He works ALL things together for good ....even though i cant see how or why...nor do i understand... people feel how they do or not about the other and some things are beyond our personal control... keep trusting HIM and i pray that HE sends you someone to love that loves you equally in return... i dont know what will happen in my life or yours but the way i learn to get thru each day is to try to be content with what i'm given and what good or bad comes my way each day... im trying not to 'lose it' because i still have hope that God will vindicate me with a true measure of happiness for me in this life...and i know He can make your enemies your footstool... so i know that this lonliness i feel and this rejection is not too hard for Him.. stay encouraged...keep praying the one thing ive learned about God is that He always deals with you about you and nobody else... He loves you right by yourself ...you are important to Him and He alone can help you deal with this pain 'blessed is the man who passeth thru the valley of baca (weeping) and maketh it a well' i pray you find your strength and keep your joy.. God bless you much love and prayers

i have been hurting so bad for so long....i dont understand why?... i fell in love with a gay man...i never believed he was born that way...it caused many arguments between us... the thing is i really thought he was my soulmate .... i have never in my life felt like anyone was...although i have been in love before... i forsook all other prospects for relationships because i was in love with him and was so convinced that God would heal and deliver him and that he was meant for me.... i am not a perfect christian at all...im not proud of that ...but i was saved when i was very young and i guess in life you just go thru things and do the best you can ....ive never turned my back on God so i never felt backslidden although i havent always been proud of things ive done i couldnt take the pain anymore and i was tired....8 years of hell and torment ....pleasure and pain...of loving someone so much i think i would have died for him ...only to be rejected over and over again...i began to think i was not walking in faith....i was just insanely delusional... i prayed ...i fasted... you dont know how many tears i cried...how many days for so many years ...yet he is still chasing men i told God about two years ago that i was thru ...that i was tired...I GIVE UP...i had always thought i was supposed to be with him but i just couldnt take it anymore.... so i got rid of him out of my life 24/7 and tried to move on... i was so lonely....i still tried to be a casual friend to him...and i succeeded i think now im in love with someone else.....someone who literally i believe was sent by God to help me in my misery and confusion....he has spoke such life to me and been a true friend...we talk about the things of God ....and it feels so good to have someone be able to help me and challenge me in my walk... ill admit i had started drinking really heavy before i met him because of my broken heart and loneliness and the sometimes cruelty of my gay friend towards me... i had contemplated just sleeping around ( although that has never been my style) then God sent this new friend who treated me like i needed to be treated....good and with respect... i was so angry and discourage with God for not answering my prayer concerning my gay friend and my broken heart i couldnt even pray....my faith and heart was shattered and i didnt know where to begin to pick up the peices but with my new friend i began to breath again....i even thanked God that he didnt answer my prayer...because maybe i was asking for a serpent and thought it was a fish ...or maybe a stone and thought it was bread... but my new friend is married....and so i feel like....WHY?....the only man i even felt anything for in 8 years and i cant have him either....i never thought i would even love again...and im so glad to have these feelings but they seem to no avail the sad part is i am still haunted by my gay friend...how much i loved him...how much i believed for him and prayed and fasted for him....im still haunted that ive never felt anyone was my soulmate but him...not even my new friend... even thought he actually is more like me in some ways and i know if he were free i would have pursued a new relationship with him but still im haunted by the love i once felt for my gay friend because somehow i feel like a failure....i wanted my gay friend to love me...i wanted to be happy and share a life with him...and as long as i live ...i dont think i will ever love like that again....not with that energy...passion ....and conviction...yet still i believe somewhere deep inside that God can and will make a change in him the desparate part is that all the pain i went thru loving him....has destroyed my confidence...my self....i dont know who i am anymore...i dont know what to believe....i dont trust myself to love anyone....because im so wounded ive gained wt and i used to have an attractive body and could be desirable to some deserving person...but now i just feel so dumpy....my self esteem is gone... not to mention i am now in a terrible financial and legal bind because of my gay friend....yes it was my own stupidity and my own issues but it was directly related to me trying to be there for him once again.... everyone says i'll never have anyone as long as i continue to talk to him and have an association with him because they knew how much i loved him and all i went thru.... i still love him but my desire for him is not the same as it was....i try not to think about him like that because whats the use?... no one can understand this pain and disallusionment in my heart...and how it has really destroyed me inside... everyday is a struggle...i dont have any hope for anything really... last sunday ...i got on my knees and prayed for me...i gave it all to God ....the good and the bad....the hurt and the pain...the desires that cant seem to be fulfilled and my broken dreams... i feel God let me know that i needed to forgive...i thought i had forgiven ...im nice to him...but deep down the pain still lingers... i feel like a fool...so stupid....so ridiculous... i feel so undesired and rejected and abandoned... my gay friend is back in my life...we do things together sometimes and he tries to help me but i still help him more...he is more respectful towards me because i think we both are tired of the drama the thing is i dont know what is going to happen and im afraid of more pain...i feel so weakened ...and ugly (even though i am attractive physically) i dont feel it....ive prayed for God to restore my joy...but i just feel so displaced... everyone tells me my new friend will never have anything to do with me because of my gay friend and my continued association with him after how he used me but my response is whats the difference? he is married anyway...and not that divorce is the desirable thing but hes not even thinking about leaving his wife for me anyway....so its not even an option or a problem...but he is a good friend maybe if i wasnt such a drinker when we became friends he would have found more favor in me ...but lets face it ...i was how i was and we are good friends and he helped me a lot... maybe its like people who fall in love with thier therapists or pastors or something...i dont know i dont know anything anymore....this dry season has lasted too long...i wonder if i will ever be truly happy and full of hope again.... i just dont feel like i have the energy or aptitude to fight anymore...all my fight feels gone...but i still have feelings and i hurt.., just dont know what to do about it....i dont know how to change my heart or my life... if there are some intricated spiritual things i need to do then i dont know what that is.....what would any regular person do that doesnt seek God or think about God in thier life. why is it so hard? i used to think God was angry at me for something i did or said...or for one of my many sins and shortcomings.... i used to think He wasnt listening or hearing me... but then He would always answer me to let me know He was.... i knew i had developed a problem with alcohol and when i drank sometimes terrible anger would come out....or i would do something like flirt and have even slept with people just because i said bump it...i was so mad and felt like no one cared and i couldnt have what i really wanted anyway but this wasnt me and i despised myself afterward ...and repented profusely.... i just wish things would fall in place for me and i could feel happiness again... for now i just try to be content thru the disappointements that come my way everyday... but i feel so discouraged and i want to feel God come and touch me with His Holy Spirit because when i feel Him all seems okay and i feel joy but i dont feel that every minute and sometimes it seems like God is so hard to reach....i know this is not true but i feel so lonely and unfulfilled in this world even though i try to praise Him and be thankful for what i have.. maybe im too ungrateful and / or want too much.... i think what i really want is to be loved by the one i loved and desired be the one i desire...because its been a long time since i felt that way really... i guess maybe God is keeping me alone for Himself....if so ...then i really need to feel Him more...i need His strenght i need to be filled with the Holy Spirit...ive never been.... i dont know how to pray for hours....like my friend does...but he speaks in tounges.... but im only me and i cant be anyone else...i need God for me.... even if i cant live up to others standards and arent the perfect christian to others i need God for me ...to relieve me ...to help me....i stand in need of Him not my brother or my sister but me ...please pray for me.. i love God but i feel like im in a battle....i guess because i am... how can a person be saved yet feel so lost and confused and miserable HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND ....PLEASE

he who hath ears to hear let him hear ....hear what the Spirit is saying.... ask God to open your spiritual eyes and ears and you can see... hear...and understand some of His great mysteries....things difficult to understand in the natural... He will do that for you ...if you are willing to see...hear Him and understand ... God bless ...

i also dont think it is that 'simple' name one christian who does His will totally....as far as works....what exactly is that....working in the 'church ' many hypocrits are in church 24/7 .... what is works...testifying to others as best you know how...telling others regardless of circumstance or situation of the things God has brought you thru and taught you... some morally correct church goers are the evilest people and blinded as ive ever seen... some true believers struggle with issues addictions...affairs...divorce...sin... how do they not ...i see it all the time in the saved as well as the unsaved... some christians i hear talk this talk like its either here or there sin or saved but what about the christian who sins? some may believe they walk on water and some indeed may do good for a while but all will most certainly sin... some people get saved yet not delivered thousands have told how there deliverence was more of a process than a momentary change what about them are they not saved.... i dont know ...this to me has always been a confusing point of debate.... because the bible also says we are saved by grace thru faith NOT by works lest any man should boast... it is a continual struggle with flesh against spirit and any christian who says differently then i will say they either are not truthful with themselves or others or have really never been thru anything in life i agree we do need to talk about this subject it is vital.... i guess i think we can be saved and choose to not 'live' it ...and that is because we have not fully yeilded areas of our life to Christ...yielding is a hard thing for us to do...it means we have areas which we may need deliverence in.... not all of us who do 'questionable ' things feel backsliden at all .....we may feel that we are in a struggle and learning and doing the best we can every day... i have heard His voice so i am reassured i am His sheep yet i'll be the first to admit i do wrong and have battles with vices and yeilding each moment like i should if we can live saved i say great....some of us are a work in progress... some of us havent 'arrived' yet.... some of those who think they have are about to get shaken and realize that they too need His mercy everyday....just like those poor 'sinners' do.. the way i see it is not that we are separated by being "living saved" and being a 'sinner' because i dont even see church people living perfect if the truth be known about what is really going on behind closed doors... we are separated by being Christian believers and non believers.... just to say i believe is not the same as having a relationship with Christ....talking to Him....praying to Him....even though not perfect yet loving Him....loving what He did. His sacrifice for us... when we fall on our face before Him and cry Lord have mercy on me a sinner....realizing even the most righteousness of man is as filthy rags to God

i also have had spiritual attacks i didnt understand what it meant at first but i did understand what it was....even before i learned about spiritual warfare... the more i learned the more the attacks came...they came frequently for a while and i always felt extreme fear and paralysis but if i could just muster up enough strength to say the name of Jesus ...they would go away... it always or usually came in a form of sleep ...i mean i could still hear things actually going on but then i felt and heard things that werent there in the natural and felt paralyzed...once a demon came right up to my ear and said in a clear demonic voice..."baca"... i never knew what it meant until one day i happened to look it up in the bible and i found it meant 'weeping' ....blessed is he who passes thru the valley of baca and maketh it a well" .......i dont know if this was the demons name or something it represented or was trying to speak to my life... during this time i was suffering hurt and rejection from a relationship that wasnt working out the way id hoped and i was miserable... one of the last times i felt under attack...i too got angry... and i started yelling at the demon and telling it 'how dare you come in here on the guise of an unsuspecting friend...get out...you dont move anything around in here.." and it left and the next morning the scripture that says He maketh my hands to fight and teacheth my fingers to war or something like that kept coming to mind....and i felt God was making me stronger....teaching me how to ward off attacks and stand in my authority in His name... i dont know why these attacks come in the night or while half asleep but they do feel real(because they are) ....but i was once told by a minister to stay around the people of God and it would keep the demons away...and since being blessed with a good christian friend ....ive found this to be true...

please take my advice if you are only thinking about it ...toying with the idea....then leave it at that.... unless you want to be caught up in that lifestyle for the rest of your life dont go there i have had many gay friends most if not all were sexually abused as children and grew up thinking feeling they were gay i dont doubt that their 'feelings' of attraction to the same sex is real....and for many it doesnt feel like a choice... but if you feel you have a choice then dont... it is a hard thing to get out of and many never do.... and trust me i have literally lived in this 'gay' lifestyle for many years now and ive never seen anyone truly happy it is a world of sexual addictions and users and games i guess this could be said also about heterosexuals also but to me it seems the difference is choice heterosexuals seem to at least have a choice homosexuality is like bondage because the choice to be heterosexual is taken away most if not all the gay friends i know are hiv positive and or have other infectious sexually transmitted diseases ive seen a lot of curiosity seekers like yourself get caught up and believe me they have no idea what they are in for... so if you havent indulged then my advice is dont this is a powerful ancient spirit....and a convincing one....it is not hopeless but if you get into it you will feel it is... you will feel there is no way out and that this is just you and you must have been born that way i dont think it is so unusual to notice the attributes of the same sex but believe me to take it further is like being lost at sea sometimes we are attracted to same sex because we are trying to connect with some part of ourselves... i once thought i was gay...my attraction and desire for men ceased and i found myself only extremely attracted to women thank God my attraction for men returned and the appeal of women left me....for me it was like a light switch turning off and on...to me it was a state of mind but it was a real one just as real as anything ive ever felt but i know that had i indulged ...i may not have been able to pull myself out of it....many never can...even though they tire of it and want out...and believe me ...many want out does God love homosexuals ? ..... of course he does this is not about judgement because we all have sinned and come short of the glory of God... this is about how the devil comes to steal , kill and destroy... ive even seen very masculine 'normal ' acting men get into this lifestyle and begin to change next thing you know they go from saying "oh i still like women" to ' Im gay im not attracted to women" to dressing up like a woman and getting 'cilicone' in their face and breast to change thier features and look more like a woman.. it is a confusing dark world ...ive seen it first hand...and it may seem fun at first...but it is treacherous and deceiving before you know it...you start out with one 'special' man thinking this is the bomb ...and before you know it you end up being sexual with so many...then you may get stuck with hiv be careful... seriously.... i'll be praying for God to send you something else more healthy to 'toy' with...because you are litterally playing with fire and i promise you ...you will be burned... but no matter what remember God loves you still no matter how you feel or what youve done

no this cant be true..... im attractive yet alone and ive seen very unattractive people with a mate and they seemed happy... look the best you can for you and be happy.... there is someone who will think you are amazing

well some may not get this but i will describe it as best i can this was a recent miracle to me...and i felt God in it and i felt His Spirit...to me this was a miracle and i was privy to it this is what happened ...i knew a person named michael...but i never knew him as micheal ...i always knew her as Tangela i met Tangela thru a friend many years ago ...yes Tangela was 'gay' ....must have had gender identity issues because she/he always dressed as a girl... Tangela was a drag queen prostitute...Tangela drank alcohol... a lot...Tangela may have done drugs i dont know but i heard that it was so... Tangela was always alone... even her/his friends in that lifestyle seemed to make fun and shun her/him....but Tangela was always my friend...Tangela was always good to me and had a good heart...but Tangela had a rough life and had been shot cut and nearly died several times... my heart went out to Tangela ...i was concerned about the dangers of her/his prostitution and i tried to instill a since of worth although i never judge her/him well suddenly after many years of the same thing he/she became sick...was in the hospital for about 3 weeks in icu...we all knew he was dying yet even though he had a christian mother i heard no one had come to pray with him... i remembered a conversation years before when i told Tangela/michael that Jesus loved him....he replied i do believe but i made some choices in my life a long time ago and i dont even know if God cares about me anymore... i have so many issues...i reassured him that nothing could separate us from His love...and i always told Tangela i loved her/him so the first time i went to visit in the hospital...me and my friends and his friends cried all the way home and all said their silent prayers...i didnt know what to do or how to do it ...so i just prayed..."God your know his heart better than us ...you were there with him all those lonely nights thru all the hell that was his life...you were there in all his confusion and pain... God you know to this world he is the 'least of these'...please show up and do what you do best...save my friend. so after 3 weeks ...he could not sleep at all day or night...my friends would pick at him trying to cheer him up about having a drink or going to the club ...but he just shook his head no in disinterest... my friend and i discussed him( Tangela) and how he was afraid to close his eyes and sleep...we knew he was afraid to die...i asked had anyone prayed for him with him and the answer was always no.....i asked where were the church people that his mother belonged to...had no one came by? the answer was no and i knew time was running out for michael to find peace....so i suggested me and my friend two of michael( tangela's) only friends that we pray with him....after all i knew we had a lot to be desired but we were believers and we were all he had apparently.... so i became uspset the next morning and it was on my heart to do 'something'....i felt it was an emergency spiritually...where were the saints...the church people ...the people who lived and breathed salvation every day....why was there no one to help my friend... so i purposed in my heart "LORD if you will guide me on what to say and do i will be willing to do it."...but i have to admit i was nervous and unsure ...i really have never prayed the Lords prayer with anyone...i know i still have issues in my life...some of them of which i knew Tangela was aware...although i hoped he would welcome it but i was afraid of messing things up.. of failing at this critical time....what i didnt realize is that it wasnt up to me....it wasnt my battle ...it was God's so that day before i went to the hospital....i called my other friend ...and this is what i was told....he said that our friend was on his mind all morning and he convinced all the other friends to go pay a visit...so they did...and as they were entering the elevator the doors were almost closing...but one of the other friends saw a chaplain that they knew...he yelled out 'meet us on the 5th floor'.... so as they got off the elevator they were surprised to see the chaplain already there to meet them....they all went to see Tangela/michael.... he smiled to see all his aquaintances come to see him and then the chaplain said to him...im going to pray for you before i leave....and after he had prayed for him ...he asked Tangela /Michael ...."now are you saved?" ....michael shook his head and answered "no" thru gasping breaths.... the chaplain then asked Michael "do you want to be saved?" micheal said 'YES" ...so he said the sinners prayer confessed his faith in Christ dying on the cross and rising again. then the chaplain said "now Michael take a good look at all your friends standing around you right now...and tell them you are saved....it doesnt matter now what happens Michael because if you get well and walk out of this hospital or if you dont then you will go to heaven.. Michael then looked at all his friend one by one in the eye and said to each of them "I'm saved...I"m saved....I"m saved.... my friend was there and said it was like from the moment Micheal said "yes" God just showed up in that room...and everyone there broke down crying and praising God... when i heard of it I myself felt God all over me...i couldnt stop crying ...and i was amazed at His grace...and the power of his blood....i ran to my other friend who i had been talking to about praying for Tangela ....i said Tangela got saved...i never got to know him as Michael... my friend told me on the phone that Michael said im going to get some rest now...and he closed his eyes to get some sleep that evening on my way home from work....i saw the most amazing sunset i have ever seen in my whole life...it was the most amazing color and unnatural color of pink .coral ...i cant even describe its beauty...there was no visible sun yet the sky looked on fire as if God Himself had just passed thru the earth and the rest of the sky looked like a painting... it was so beautiful that it was shown and talked about on the evening news from 5:00p,m to 6:00pm three times... i didnt know why or how but i knew it was for Tangela...i knew the angels were rejoicing.... i knew that Tangela/Micheal was going to see the beauty of Christ before any of us.... when i got home i got the phone call that Tangela had passed on between the hours of 5:00pm and 6:00 pm.... it was like God Himself came to take him home and God reminded me....i will save to the uttermost....whosoever will let him come..... on this earth Tangela was a beggar....Tangela was the least of these...but God made him great in His kingdom ....and this i know and He confirmed it with the most beautiful sunset.. God is faithful to us...He keeps His word to us.... Tangela/Michael was like the theif on the cross and yet Christ took him to paradise nov 1 2005 the greatest miracle to me that day and every day is His blood...and His power to save to the uttermost them that believe and call upon His name.... Christ did for my friend what no man could do...what he couldnt do for himself.... watching God move the way He did and with such perfect timing was truly a miracle to me... PRAISE HIS HOLY AND WONDERFUL NAME... AMEM

it sounds like you are in a resting...healing ....state of mind to me you feel nothing and to you that is good because you also dont feel worry ...condemnation...or pain... while you may have 'thrown out the baby with the bathwater' so to speak...i feel this is a phase of your healing process remember the poem 'FOOTPRINTS' it was when he didnt 'feel' God ....that was the time God was carrying him... Christ may not seem real to you right now but that is because He is carrying you HE is real...and when you do 'feel' Him again ...and you will...He will melt your heart at how He has never left you...but gave you time to heal and just be...because He knows what you need and He knows where you are going... sometimes God seems silent to me...i dont know why but i have also heard other christians say this in their life...but when He does show up He shows up in strong and amazing ways... sounds like you are like a newborn baby ...sleeping like a baby... resting in assurance...yet not feeling worried or concerned about anything in particular... the time will come when you feel strong enough to want to feel something again and God can restore your joy as if you were a little child God bless you and keep you and just know you dont have to feel Him right now...because He is carrying you...whether you know it, believe it or not.. HE is ruler of all and HE loves you and me ....and that is amazing! much love and prayers for you..

i understand your pain and feelings of failure...i know how bad you wanted your marriage to work and im sure you loved/love him for sticking by him so long and praying for his relationship to Christ...how have you failed...you wanted all the right things for him and your family you prayed for it to be and you stuck with it in faith....you didnt fail of course you are not perfect...of course there are things you could have done differently perhaps but my guess is you did the best you could under the circumstances but lets face it none of these things you wanted were ever under your control and you cant control the fact that he wants a divorce or has feelings or is seeing another...this is his life... i know you feel abandoned and like its just not fair ....and it isnt! but there is nothing you can do about it .... you can pray for your marriage but the simple fact is if he wants out ...he will get out ....if he truly wants a divorce then he can legally do that and move on with his life... the question now isnt what he will or wont do...the question is about you... what will you do now... it will take time to heal from this abandonment...from your feelings...from your betrayal and pain... but you will heal... trust in God now more than ever to help YOU enough of praying for him to 'change' its not about him changing....let God deal with him in His own way...and He will because He is not willing that any should perish right now you have needs ...great needs both physically and emotionally and you cant waste another moment of your energy worrying about him this may seem harsh ....but im telling you the truth...you will need all your energy focused on you and you kids needs now ...not worry about a grown man who is making his choices...he will be fine what about you? what you are describing can be devastating to you emotionally and spiritually it can and at some point probably will cause you to question your own beliefs....and question why God did not fix it all the way you had hoped and prayed all those years...you will wonder if all your tears and prayers were in vain... ask God to give you what He has for you.... even though you dont want to loose your husband...the fact is you may...you have to stand still and accept his choices because staying with someone who doesnt love you or want to be with you can be a devastating form of rejection God may have someone for you more suited to you...you never know... but i know you cant even see or imagine that now but remember you didnt fail...you are not the one asking for a divorce...he is...how is that your fault...its what he wants and it has nothing to do with what you want... i will pray for God to give you strength and send you comfort... and heal you of the pain of your betrayal and abandonment... much love

michael, it sounds like you are in a valley for real...both in the natural with the things you describe and also in the spiritual with how it these circumstances are affecting you... i know cause ive been there also the peaks will come again and your seasons will change seems like when you are down about something or even about yourself then its like your friends seem to pick up on your weakness and capitilize on it making you feel worse... they may see your kindness for weakness but you are not weak....but you seem to be under attack i agree keep praying ...keep fighting ...but sometimes all you can do is stand and wait on God to change your circumstances... when you dont know what to pray for...then just pray He order your steps and cover you in all you do and say He understands your confusion but remember all we go thru no matter how bad or how hopeless He can turn it around for our good... and make us so much better and stronger than before... however we as humans will still go thru our emotions of depression, anger, frustration... you say your friends make fun of things you did...and blame you for other things your friends are not perfect either , michael, but its easy for them to see you faults while ignoring thier own please just be good and forgiving to yourself...dont let these circumstances and thier actions and words rob you of your self esteem.... i pray God sends you a special friend in which to confide and feel good about yourself with...this is important...sometimes its hard to fight life's battles without the help and encouragement of someone who truly cares about you... keep posting here and relating to other christians because im sure there will be something said to bless you and help you... try to find something to do that you truly enjoy ...something that gives you happiness even if just for a moment....dont feel you have to do what your friends like if you are not feeling it...because then you will only feel worse and they still wont give you the acceptance you crave. God bless you stay encouraged

as you can see and from what im sure youve read and heard from 'believer' ...churches...christians etc..is varied and a very hot topic for debate... i know people who think its never okay to divorce and even though their ex spouse is living with another for years and has kids they still will not divorce or remarry ...yet may i add they are not celebate either...my question is why? to me this is ridiculous and who are they fooling....like divorcing and remarrying are going to send them to hell...like its taboo...yet they knowingly have relations with others perhaps a boyfriend and know that their ex husband has been apart from them for 20 plus years living with another... this is ridiculous... this is not a perfect world...no perfect situations or circumstances... my opinion is if you love someone and want to be with them then by all means remarry them and the both of you try to love and live for God as best you can despite your respective pasts let God give you a new life... He is able to bless...He has done it for thousands who are now remarried and finally happy with someone more suited for them some people in my opinion live in bondage to the thought of never being 'able ' to remarry even though it is not feasible or even practical for them to any longer be together with a former spouse... so my advice is like the other writer said...its up to ones personal beleifs...and convictions... i myself dont have a problem ...i intend to be happy if at all possible and if God should bless me with loving someone and we wanted to marry then i would not even worry one bit at whether they were previously divorced etc but i know people who worry about this so much....and are extremelly adamant about not remarrying unless ex spouse is dead...this is crazy in my opinion ...because then what ?....they start to wish and pray for their death so they can get on with thier life...which is worse? but just as i can not convince or change thier beliefs....they definitely can not change mine and what i choose to do with my life as long as your friend is at peace within herself with God ....who cares what other christians say or believe? you cant please everyone or convince everyone of your personal salvation....some christians think you are going to hell because you are of another denomination or that you are not really saved unless you speak in tongues etc... there are points of debate granted in doctrines of christianity...thats why people need to know God for themselves ....people will mess you up...even the best meaning of them dont throw away the current blessings God is sending your way....this could be the best relationship of her life....thank God for His blessings and stop questioning them... be blessed and be happy in the Lord... and let all the people that want to keep debating the issue if they like while you or your friend enjoy His rich blessings for your life despite eithers past...

remember that love covers a multitude of sins....faith hope and love but the greatest is love by their love you will know they are my disciples... just understand that everyone is in a different place...on their journeys... i know if you can and are living right and with standards there is nothing wrong with that but everyone may not be to that place or because of circumstances in thier lives and emotions they are unable...pray for them...you dont have to do what they do or be involved with what they are to have sympathy and love for them just remember when dealing with your friends and family or whoever it is you feel has different 'standards' ...sometimes it is better to be silent ...i mean not put your standards on them...let God do it...He can change hearts better than anything you can say... be yourself and allow others the same right....dont put yourself down but dont put them down either... the hard part is that when it seems everyone around you has different standards or wants different things out of life then you can feel so frustrated and all alone i pray for God to send someone in your life to whom you can relate...someone who thinks similar to you ...someone who understands you... this will help you deal with others more and you wont feel so alone there is nothing wrong with standards...and your standards are more than likely not wrong but just ask God to help you keep love in your heart ...because love is more important than standards you know... it just seems you are feeling so alone in your heart and mind like no one understands your feelings ...i do pray God sends you a special friend with whom you can relate... it will help things be more tolerable to you...trust me i know....

i agree something is terribly wrong with your family if they feel sexual abuse is okay...it may be best to get away from them also...God can provide you with loving friends and even a family that will love you and treat you with respect that you deserve

i want to clarify what i guess i was trying to say... i know people who morally live 'right' yet they are unhappy terribly unhappy with some of the same issues and questions as those who may have 'questionable' morals or lifestyles as far as biblical christian beliefs im not saying this advice is wrong but what i am saying is that ...people are human and do things that may not be a 'perfect' model of christian principles... i have seen people in church everyday... active in church... doing some of the same things as my friends who are not proclaiming to be saints yet some are believers and some are not... God is real and Jesus is real...i have seen Him move in the most unlikely situations... i do agree to seek His answer and His wisdom but i do have a problem with people giving advice like get all your morals etc. in order and all will be sunshine and happiness i simply havent seen this to be true.. as i said i have two friends who i know morally are better than me...and most people i know including other believers who have issues in thier lives these friends do all the right things ....they dont drink EVER...they dont smoke EVER...they never have sex ....because they are waiting for their 'boaz' ....they rarely say a curse word and if they do they apologize and condemn themselves profusely yet their lives are lonely unhappy and they seem to be in a delusion that mr. right is perfect... i wonder if they will ever find anyone to love because none of us are perfect and granted some people have bigger issues than others and are bad news every one even those christians who seem to have it all together morally have issues and sometimes when they come out are bigger than those with obvious flaws please understand i dont think its wrong advice but honestly i think to tell someone if you do this or that then all will be well is misleading i feel that if she seeks God for His wisdom in her circumstance and He leads her to change her living arrangements then fine but to just say stop living with this boyfriend ( which doesnt mean they will quit having sex) i mean lets be real... and besides she never said if the second boyfriend is the father of one of her children or not...she said they both have two different dads... i dont feel God wants us to be fake .... i feel He knows what we will do even before we know...i dont think christians should put up a false sense of who they are as people...others eventually find out the truth anyway... if the heart doesnt change first...then the actions are a mute point...it may look good to the world and even other christians but it is false... one of my friend goes to church all the time ...she never goes out to anywhere that there might be questionabe behavior like clubs etc...she wants a christian man..nothing wrong with that she would never consider 'living with someone' ... she is in her 40s she is lonely very lonely and delusional because she thinks if mr right comes along all her problems will be solved...i say some will just be beginning then i have sisters friends who just live ...yes they lived with thier boyfriend before marriage and they are happy ...have good husbands and kids and a nice house... they were never in church 24/7 and they never proclaimed to be perfect yet you couldnt find a better husband than they have and a good provider... so show me what is the deal? you mean to tell me satan is blessing them... they dont live wrong they have normal good lives ...they enjoy each other ...enjoy raising thier kids and building their home and they are believers in Christ. im not saying for a christians to be unequally yoked but if you find some one with similar beleifs and morals then it may can work everyone is not convicted by the same things... if she is not convicted about living with her boyfriend then who are we to judge...but i think it is more a question of her heart... who she really loves and has something in common with. who she will be able to be happy with and make a life with and who will be not only a good influence to her kids but also loving and good to her kids ask God to order your steps....ask Him to work things out the way they should be....pray for this daily...constantly....ask Him for wisdom and guidance...and follow Him and trust Him ...He can do anything...for anyone who seeks Him...

okay guys maybe im wrong ...but judging and saying she's living in sin and she needs to live alone is ...well im not sure about this advice... its so easy to say ...oh all your problems are because you are a 'sinner' or you are committing 'sin' ....i just havent found in all honesty to be true i mean one of my christian friends does nothing 'sinful' that i know of she is waiting on mr right...but she is miserable and in my opinion living in a fantasy world.. then there are the testimonies of people actually living in sin...sex ..drugs...lifetyles ...yet God blesses their relationships saves then and sets them on the right track... so im not sure if its as simple as 'stop living and fornicating with your boyfriend' i dare say everyone i know that is single and older do have sexual relationships with someone sometime outside of a marriage... im not endorsing it but im just saying it happens and for those that AREN't ,,,they wish they had someone with whom to have the opportunity with. we all sin everyday...and even those who have no OBVIOUS sin that they do...may harbor it in thier heart... i say fast and pray...and while fasting then yes abstain from sex... but listen for a clear answer ... you never said if your ex wanted you back or if you two are just friends... no judgement here just ask God to show you the way and order your steps and if you feel like moving out while you try to decide then by all means do...but dont do it just because someone else tells you its the 'right' thing to do... no one can live your life for you... ask God but dont go and get married to please people ask God to show you

i too am sorry for your lonliness and i can identify with it to some extent... it seems as though lonliness and unhappiness are synonomous to me... i have a friend who is searching for the one ...i dont understand the last 8 years of my life. i too have wondered if im being punished or something because the two men i have truly loved have both been unavailable to be with me...one was gay and i prayed and believed God would somehow deliver him and he would love me and be with me like i wanted and needed...it was all i wanted...i fasted...i prayed...i had faith...but only to have my heart broken a thousand times then finally crushed...for a long time i couldnt even pray...i hurt too much and yes i felt like God wasnt hearing me...so what was the use... the next man i fell in love with was so wonderful to me as a friend he spoke life to my wounded soul...yet he was married... now im in a state of uncertanty...i dont know what to feel ...think ...say or do... i felt God once said to me "did you want ________ delivered from homosexuality for him or for you?" and it shocked me and i cried the only answer that i knew God already knew ... "for me God , it was for me" i then said i loved and wanted my knew friend ...God said "dont let your wants hurt you" at the time i thought it sounded quip but those words have gotten me thru a lot of hard days of disappointments...i have tried to learn to be content and just trust its in his hands... God also once said to me..."all these love affairs pass away...but the love affair with Me is eternal..." i remember crying one night and praying telling God how i did love Him but i needed human love human touch...i thought it was an honest prayer...and then i read in the Bible where the children of israel complained and asked God for a king...and He gave them one but the still found the king flawed and were yet unhappy... i think your feelings are human and you are not alone...but that doesnt help...your pain is real to you...and i dont think its wrong to pray for someone special in your life or to want that ...i think it is instilled in us from creation to want and seek relationships with others...even God seeks a relationship with us and we are made in His image but even if you are too hurt angry and tired to pray...just remember that even with a relationship in your life you will still need God... there will still be problems and disappointments.. but as a sister in Christ ...i will agree with you in prayer that God sends you a relationship thats good for you and that makes you happy... if you are wondering "what is 'wrong' with you or what is it that is standing in your way of a relationship....then ask God ...ask Him for wisdom...ask Him to help you see ...what is standing in your way...but be prepared for the answer and it may cut deep but if you can learn from it then things will change for you... perhaps its as simple as you 'trying to hard' maybe you are so desparate for a real relationship that you over accomodate the women in your life and unfortunately causes a loss of interest.... you said you are in tears all the time...you are very vulnerable emotionally... and you dont feel strong...ask God to restore or give you more self esteem and heal the wounds that these failed relationships has caused you.. as far as the pornography goes...we all hate our vices...and this can be a serious issue for some and less serious for others only you and God know that...but you know esp when you are lonely and try not to do something that is the thing you do the most to fill a void... i dont think that God is punishing you or cursing your for your pact/promise to Him...but remember the bible says that WE snare ourselves with the words of our mouth...you may have inadvertently spoke this over yourself... ASK GOD TO FORGIVE YOU...ASK GOD TO RELEASE YOU FROM THAT PROMISE....then walk in confidence that He has... He is not a God of bondage...that is a trick of the enemy... "where the Spirit of the Lord is there is LIBERTY...' please remember that... God does love you ...talk to Him i mean really talk and LISTEN...Be honest with God ....He knows anyway...tell Him you feel angry and disillusioned with Him... ask Him to give you peace and understanding, sometimes we as humans get stuck in our own ruts ya know... thats why i say listen for His instructions and direction...He will show you truth... it may be that you are in a needy place right now emotionally...and its undersandable...when you heal and become stronger within yourself...i bet things will turn around for you.. stay encouraged with love in Christ...