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Hi! I'm quite new here. My problem for sure is not that big compared to others (one of the things I find myself being guilty of) My negative outlook started 3rd yr in highschool (age 14 yrs old). I was an overachiever in school. Way back then, I love studying, reading and find no fault in others. Then 3rd yr highschool came, I did not have the grades I perseved myself to have, I started having acne problems and weight gain. I covered it with makeup but still everything is not emotionally stable for me so I unknowingly practiced absentism. I hide whenever someone I know from school comes to our house or when I meet other people in public. That was the point where I just stayed home hiding from everyone; pretending to sleep even with relatives visiting. 4th year highschool came and somehow I redeemed and encourage myself to never be absent on quiz or make excuses just to take exam on special exam days (that's what I did in the past year). So college came, I became indecisive in college of choice while others around me are entering prestigious schools that I thought I could enter but failed in entrance exams. So I settled in provicial college. 1st year up to 2nd year, my coping mechanism (which is hateful and defective) belittle and disrespect the school. I was treated as smart and good looking which I seemed to preen on; proudly separated myself from the group. It was 2 weeks of no one speaking to me, being alone always and I loved it; knowing they where admiring me. Then before the 2nd year of college ends, I think God gave me a push. He failed me a subject that will surely give impact and delay me in school. Failing that subject will be obvious because you won't be able to wear medical uniform. So I remained wearing the school uniform while still getting grades that made me be exempted from exams. 3rd year came, I bounce back from that failed grade and by bounce back I mean God made me the top of the class of that subject. Knowing me, it went to my head. Despite God giving me blessings, I developed this mentality of secretly being happy and wising others to have little failures. I became hateful when others posted in social media their achievements, comparing to mine which up to now, makes me feel small. So 4th year came, it was the most hectic schedule of class. I go to school from 7am then go home almost 8pm. God put me with this class of people who i'm not used to. They give these praises that frontally makes you say 'no, of course not'. I'll give you example: There will be a hard quiz on that day. They will say 'Oh you will obviously get the highest score, totally!' Then I will say 'no, way I didn't review'. It was like that throughout 4th and 5th year (until now they actually do it). The outcome of the quiz result will surprise me because they got better score than me. For short, they were toxic. They feed this tiny voice that is happy when others fail. I made sure I don't associate myself with them as much as our schedule allow. Being with them for 2 years made my standards low, made me realize my failures and I hated myself more because I started giving others opinion the basis of my actions. Medical board exam came. I barely passed it. I know that only my everyday prayers is what saved that passing score. Then I found out they got more than the passing rate. They message me asking my rate, I lied to them by omission. Then they said 'Oh you totally got way past 90' when in actuallity I got way below 79. This solidified my decision to keep on lying about my score and effectively questioning God's ultimate blessing to me (because that board exam is really important). Until today, I'm still buried in lies I blurt out to my family about my rating, about my failed job interview. I'm in constant state of sadness. I sleep morethan being awake. I hurt people who love me the most through hurtfull shoutings. I made promises to those who helped me that until now I haven't fulfilled. Through out those years and presently- I masturbate with this idea then whenever I do it the result would be a badluck throughout the day. Writing this made me realize what I already know- I really don't like me.
Open Letter to Rock Bottom Dear Down in the Dumps, You are not in a nice place to visit or indefinitely live. I know, I have been there too many times. Since then I have burned my passport and remain grounded, gladly. The local authorities and citizens do not understand my alien presence. They cannot keep this message out. I will explain later. You will not complain sooner. Listen, look and warm yourself up to light versus darkness. Defect from that infected wasteland. Walk this way for freedom! Before I believed in anything worth mentioning, I desperately decided to buy into "Allen Carr's 'Easy Way to Stop Smoking.'" Heck, he wrote I could even smoke as I read the book! I took a leap of faith out the hole of butts and ash. I actually enjoyed and laughed at old cues to spark a dart. Nic fits were only a fading memory of how and what I used to be like. I had been deprogrammed from doom and reprogrammed for life. Thank goodness, because all drags from cigarettes had become depressing slave wage reminders of death. I could not prove or understand it but I believed it had worked, setting me free. I see that now was a good sign, open door and ray of hope. Major problems had potential solutions. I believed things could be better. Before I met and surrendered to Jesus Christ, I waged war with myself and the world. I abused my being with alcohol, marijuana and drug experimentation. I sat much of my life in front of a screen playing questionable games. I cheated on God, my future wife and myself with pornography and masturbation. I was living the bad dream of a wicked party scene. My heart had holes, my mind was free for the taking, my body was in ruin and my soul was lost and bound. Mental health issues coincided with the start of all of the above. By my fourth psychiatric ward stay I actually enjoyed doing my time and running the show. Pride, lust, anger, gluttony and slothfulness as deadly sins were aiming to win. It was either end up a casualty of spiritual warfare or be saved by divine intervention. Enter my Saviour, Lord, teacher and protector. I read the Bible out of curiousity. I thought I should for its major influence on the world and world view. Believing and in it does not change that in any case. Tragedy struck when my parents' dog died in my arms. What I was doing with my life and would come after hit me hard. God had spoken, my deaf ears had been opened. I quit pot on the spot. I mourned Baloo's death and a life I was not getting. I compensated by binge drinking. I started getting drunk in the morning. I was listening to Harvesters FM, a Christian radio station constantly. They suggested AA, Alcoholics Anonymous. I went and got on the sober wagon. Gaming got the boot. Pornography and masturbation were confessed, apologized for, repented from and rebuked. All of the above related to asking Jesus Christ into my heart and life through a simple, sincere to the point prayer. The Bible was now more than history and what Christianity was based on. It was God's word speaking to me, changing my life for His pure glory, perfect plan and purpose. Not the story of my life, but Jesus Christ's death for the church as his wife. It is thee book that's truth never changes as always relevant. Now I am part of the book of life, hallelujah! Not the end, Gregory Keith Jonathan Brumwell 2018 Testimony Saved by Jesus Christ as of December 18, 2016, GKJB-1973 11 Very truly I tell you, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. - John 3:11 New International Version (NIV) 31 “If I testify about myself, my testimony is not true. - John 5:31 New International Version (NIV) 7 He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. - John 1:7 New International Version (NIV)
Jenna Presley - From Porn to God (Brittni Ruiz Saved from Hellfire) Jenna Presley (born April 1, 1987) was the stage name of Brittni Ruiz, a former American porn actress. Brittni began stripping in Tijuana, Mexico while still underage. At age 17 she began receiving treatment for anorexia nervosa, which lasted nearly two years. In 2005 she graduated with honors from Hilltop High School and briefly attended Santa Barbara City College. She studied broadcasting and journalism and worked as a telemarketer. Brittni entered the adult film industry in September 2005 when she was 18 years old. Around one month into her porn career she caught gonorrhea. While active in the business, she was credited with performing in over 275 films. During her time in the adult film industry, Brittni used crystal meth and cocaine (to try to lose weight), ecstasy, and oxycontin to numb her pain, depression, and anxiety and to make it through the scenes. After three years in the industry her grandparents took her to The Rock Church in San Diego, where "she raised her hand to receive Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior" after hearing a sermon from The Rev. Miles McPherson. Further inspired by Rachel Collins, a Christian pastor at XXX Church, left the adult film industry in November 2012. Since then, Brittni began working in business sales and studying psychology in college. In a 2013 interview Brittni discussed a book in the making about her past struggles with drugs in the industry and about her new faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In August 2013, she appeared on The View with Craig Gross, pastor of the Triple X Church, to discuss her salvation into the Kingdom of Heaven. Romans 5:20: Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Proverbs 6:32: But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. Leviticus 18:22 “‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. 4 Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— 5 not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. 6 Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. 7 God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. 8 Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.