Sick and tired of this guy at my church!!!!!!&

[DarkNebulaWelder]

Thanks for the advice, everyone;

Okay, well, here's what went down since I posted all of this. He ended up bringing me another gift and putting it on my doorstep while I was at work, and I finally figured that enough is enough. I felt so bad, because I was finding myself getting pretty aggravated at all of this, and I ended up seeing him at church that night. He said hello, and I looked him in the eye and said "Look, you need to stop sending me gifts. It is highly inappropriate." Then, I just walked off.

Well, after that, I felt really bad, so I ended up calling him and letting him know that I was sorry for getting angry, but that he really needed to cool it. He basically said "Look, I know you think that I have intentions other than friendship, and you're wrong. All I wanted to do was be a good friend." Then I told him that if he really wanted to be a good friend, that he would just treat me like any other brother in Christ and back off.

Then, he completely broke down over the phone, and started crying, and said that he was sorry, and that he was just trying to be a good friend, and how much I had done for him, he was just trying to bless me ( p.s. He said that I opened his eyes to a lot with a lot of our talks), and I wanted to be sympathetic to him -- I really did -- but I was just afraid that if I had tried to reach out to him and lovingly console him, that it would have just defeated the purpose, so I told him that I was truly sorry if I misconstrued his intentions, but that I could no longer accept his gifts.

Then, he said that he hoped that we could still go out and do things as friends. I talked to someone else about this, and she said if he were being a true friend, he would not continue to press the issue like this, knowing how uncomfortable it's making me. If his intentions were really friendship, that he wouldn't be trying to get me to go out with him at this point -- and to a point this makes sense, because he would respect my wishes.

I'm thinking that perhaps he was trying to be a friend, but that he was being very selfish.....like, caring more about what he can get out of the relationship than my feelings.

So, I managed to hurt a brother in Christ, and once again, he is starting to skip Bible studies, like he did last time I told him to stop. Man, the next day, I felt so guilty. It seems like I am always ruining things wherever I go, and once again, I have managed to screw something else up. The next day, I was really depressed, because of the guilt, and I was seriously contemplating leaving the church, but after talking with another female, and her assuring me that it wasn't my fault, I really feel that the Lord has given me peace about this.

What do you guys think?

[dakota190]

You have been given some really good advice. But I noticed that you said in one of your latest posts that he gave you a gift, and that you need to give it back. HELLO! STOP taking gifts from him. You are saying one thing, but doing another. STOP!

Man...You are so right!!!

When he sits beside you, get up and move.

You do not have to be rude, but you can be direct and to the point.

Wouldn't getting up and moving as soon as someone sits down be considered rude? I would think that is the epitome of rude.

Doesn't the Bible tell us that love is not rude? How is this showing Christian love? Although, I do agree that sitting in the middle of others would be a good solution.

For a while, I was purposely coming in late to church to avoid him, but I really don't like doing that!!!!

DNW Take it from a man, being rude is the least of your worries right now or at least it should be. I HIGHLY recommend that you stop worrying about being rude. this man appears to becoming dangerous. you have been given some really good solid advice here in this thread but you keep falling back on worrying about being rude. obsessive behavior is not love. it is not of God. it is a mental and/or emotional disturbance and it must be dealt with. he must be dealt with from a position of strength and authority but he does not see you that way and he must be dealt with immediately. let the pastor decide what is the best way to deal with this man. Ushers in most churches also serve as security, once you go to your pastor they will keep an eye on him and if necessary outside legal forces can be brought in. his possible embarrassment is less important than your personal safety and your freedom to live unimpeded by him.

If you have not already noticed he has severely interfered with you ability to worship and seek God and you are no longer experiencing any peace of God. what he is doing is neither of God nor Christian nor brotherly love. he is using your faith and the scriptures to manipulate you. he Must be dealt with now. before he gets worse and he will get worse if you continue to hesitate.

Stop letting this man make you feel guilty. he will not step back, he only adjusts his strategy. it will continue with your trying to reason with him and his acting innocent and hurt and giving you the puppy dog act, and your feeling guilty, like it is your fault, and your trying to smooth his feelings. then it will start all over again. he will continue trying to just keep his foot in the door while believing that "eventually you will fall for him once you get to know him". He already has you wanting to quit your church to get away from him yet you worry about his choosing to not attend bible studies and you feel guilty for his actions. he is already manipulating you and you are reacting pretty much the way he wants. he thinks he is still in the game. I am pretty certain you are not his first victim and most likely you won't be his last.

If you were to stop going to church to avoid this man, it sounds as though he knows where you live anyway so the pursuit would continue and possibly then escalate. Please, Go to the pastor immediately!!!

[mizzdy]

The one thing that stood out to me is that fact that he is skipping bible classes. Doesn't sound as if he went to these classes to learn but to be next to you. If he indeed was just trying to be your friend, you breaking off that friendship it wouldn't affect his wanting to learn more of God. Don't let any of that work on your heart and mind, if he truly is following after God he wouldn't let anything stand in his way to do so, even the rejection of a highly suspect relationship.

[paul1149]

Hi Welder,

I just picked up on this thread. Another guy's perspective here.

This is a boundary issue. You are weak on drawing boundaries, and this guy is exploiting it. I don't know whether he's even cognizant of what he's doing, but it ultimately doesn't matter. What is, is, and must be dealt with.

You need to refuse all gifts from him. You need to instruct him not to sit next to you. Tell him to avoid you. Draw the line. That is not rude. Jesus told us to treat others as we would want to be treated. If I were infringing on your space that badly, I would want to be told about it, because I would be in deep error, and the sooner I corrected it, the better.

You did well to return that gift. But it doesn't seem to me that you did well to call back and apologize. I could be wrong on that last point, but you shouldn't do it a second time. What's needed is a clear boundary marker, because he will use anything to draw you into further interaction. These ppl crave any attention - even bad attention. And as soon as they open up the lines of communication again, everything is right back to the way it started. I grew up with someone like this, and I've pretty much had to cut her off because despite my best efforts she would not respect even very basic interpersonal boundaries. How else will she learn unless I draw the line? I still love her and pray for her, but I will not take part in a sick relationship. That's not love. (eph 5.11).

The fruit of this guy's behavior is obvious - is it ruining your peace. Remember Jesus said that if they won't listen then shake off the dust and let your peace return to you. Protecting your position of peace in Christ is essential, because without it we cannot hear God's voice.

I think you're tempted to get angry at God here because you're not interpreting His full counsel correctly on this issue. So the natural conclusion is that He's not protecting you. He does want you protected, but rather than continually riding in with the cavalry He wants to perfect you so you can take the right steps to protect yourself.

If after drawing a clear line he continues to harass you, then it's time to invoke Mat 18 and bring in elders. And if there is any danger along the way, or if he ultimately will not listen, the authorities must be brought in without delay. You need to put worry about hurting his feelings aside. No matter what you do that doesn't agree with his intentions, he is going to think his feelings are hurt and he is going to use that to try to sway you. I'm not saying be rude, per se, but I am saying be very clear, and as forceful as necessary. Christ was not the picture of gentleness when he drove out the moneychangers, or when he tore into the Pharisees (Mat 23, et al), etc. But He certainly was the picture of clarity.

There should be no reason for you to run from your church, unless you do not follow the process, or you do but the elders then fail to do their job. Prayers for clarity, wisdom, and courage, my sister. May God bless.

p.

[Smalcald]

The guy is guilt tripping you and harassing you.

From what you have described he IS disturbed in some way. Don't take this too lightly.

He is going to be unhappy with ANYTHING you do unless you get romantically involved with him that is what he wants. Your only choice is to totally ignore him, no phone, no contact, etc, that is all he is going to hear. He is going to be upset with you no matter what you can't win with him because he is a manipulator, you cannot worry about his feelings he has NOT respected your feelings.

If he continues harassing you, it is time to take it to the next level and you should tell him that. You have a right to not have contact with someone, we all do.

I speak as a male and as a father of daughters and as a Christian. The weeping, the over the top gifts the relentless pursuits these are traits of an abusive manipulative personality, I think he may be dangerous.

I don't mean to freak you our or anything but when someone's safety or at least emotional health is involved I have to speak up.

[paul1149]

Thanks much for the welcome, Charitow. Perhaps, though, my post was too blunt. If so I apologize. I was trying to encourage and exhort, but dealing with these things via text can be tricky. I pray for a good and speedy resolution of this matter for all concerned.

Be blessed,

p.

[DarkNebulaWelder]

Thanks so much, everyone.

Well, I've been pretty much avoiding and ignoring him. I also told someone else what is going on. Her input was pretty much that he is desperate for a woman in his life, and this I need to go tell the singles pastor (who is also a chaplain in the state prison, so he knows how to handle people).

Anyhow, I'm just going to continue in this way, and hope that he backs off. I haven't spoken to him in a few days, and he hasn't really bothered me (he called last night to ask me to pray for his cousin, but I wasn't home, and I didn't return his call).

If he starts to get weird again, I'm going to the pastor. Anyhow, I pray that things will continue to die down, and if they don't, well, I'll take it from there. I'm just giving him every chance to avoid embarassment -- but he's on his last chance right now.

Thanks again, everyone.....and I appreciate all of the male perpectives, too. At least I know that I'm not the one at fault.

Love in Christ

April

[Believer1997]

Just be alert and vigilant and use safety precautions until you know he is not stalking or interfering with your life. I am glad you've spoken to someone and they are aware of this situation. God Bless You.