US family expels their adopted child to Russia

[forrestkc]

You seem to imply that the very act of putting a kid on a plane alone for a long flight is a terrible thing.

Seriously, you know that is not simply all that I was implying. I am making what one would think would be a very uncontroversial statement here. I believe it is wrong, and criminal for that matter, to take a child you adopted and just discard them like that because parenting was hard for you.

As a parent, you know would not have done what these people did, so why try to rationalize or defend it?

[wyguy]

As a parent, you know would not have done what these people did, so why try to rationalize or defend it?

Because it makes you twitch.

[forrestkc]

Because it makes you twitch.

True.

[nebula]

The boy was 7 years old. Stop and think about this. Stop and think about what you are rationalizing here.

And you don't think that a child can be turned into a basket case that young?

I'm telling you, these orphanages are brutal.

What difference does it make whether the kid was 1 year old are 7 years old? Is their human worth any different? How is that even relevant. This woman knowingly adopted an older child. When you adopt, it is your kid, just like you if you had them biologically.

Do you think there is a difference between a child that was adopted and a biological child?

Forrest, I'm not trying to argue right or wrong with their actions.

What I am saying is that you have no idea just what kind of psychological issues are coming out of these Russian orphanages.

You said, "you know that is what you could be signing up for."

What I am saying is that you don't know what you are signing up for, not with these kids. Sure one can expect some degree of psychological issues. But this is not "some degree." This is a nightmare!

What would you do with a child you had to put away in a mental institute? What would you do with a child that was violent?

Like I said, I barely scratched the surface on this kid I talked about.

[forrestkc]

And you don't think that a child can be turned into a basket case that young?

I'm telling you, these orphanages are brutal.

Forrest, I'm not trying to argue right or wrong with their actions.

What I am saying is that you have no idea just what kind of psychological issues are coming out of these Russian orphanages.

You said, "you know that is what you could be signing up for."

What I am saying is that you don't know what you are signing up for, not with these kids. Sure one can expect some degree of psychological issues. But this is not "some degree." This is a nightmare!

What would you do with a child you had to put away in a mental institute? What would you do with a child that was violent?

Like I said, I barely scratched the surface on this kid I talked about.

Nebula,

Unfortunately, most orphanages in Russia and China are like that. Most older kids that come from either country will have issues just like the ones you describe that Russian boy you know has. Some much worse. If you don't think you can hack that as a parent, then don't adopt an older kid. Almost all of them are going to be coming from "Lord of the Flies" type situations. I am speaking from experience here. I know. When you adopt an older child from either Russia or China you had better be ready to hit the ground running as a parent. Its not going to be easy. You better be ready to deal with these issues as they arise and as soon as they arise. For one, they have no concept of authority. As soon you bring them into your home, its going to have to be like a boot camp for them. It is very stressful for the child and the parents early on. If the parents are not strong enough, then they are going to have a very hard time. You have to be hard at first. If you don't get respect and authority established right away, then you are going to have a lot of problems down the road. These kids have seen caretakers come and go their whole lives. Early on, they are testing you just like they test them.

When you see a kid with some severe issues a couple of years after being adopted, in most cases, certainly not all, but most, the problem stems back to the adoptive parents not being objective and not hitting the ground running from day one to establish authority and security as soon they adopted. If you don't have kids, then you probably should not adopt an older child because you really have to know what your doing from day one. Its up to you as a parent not to romanticize the adoption before hand and to educate yourself about the issues kids have coming from those orphanages and what to expect and how to deal with them. That is just the way it is. That is what you sign up for when you choose to be an adoptive parent. You can't just discard a 7 year old boy like that because parenting them was difficult. What that child's family did was wrong, plain and simple, it was wrong, and they ought to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for doing it.

There are kids that are very, very difficult, but throwing them away like that is not the answer.

[MorningGlory]

Of course not, but what does that have to do with anything?

You seem to imply that the very act of putting a kid on a plane alone for a long flight is a terrible thing.

Seriously, do you have kids?

Yep. 3 of 'em.

If so, would you take one of them that you had trouble with, put them on a plane by themselves, send them to Russia where a stranger you had paid 200 bucks to would just drop them off at a government office?

No. I couldn't afford it. But a Greyhound bus to the middle of nowhere......maybe. How much trouble are we talkin' about?

Wyguy, this is serious. This is an already damaged child who was abandoned one more time; instead of seeking therapy for the boy, the woman threw him out like garbage! Adoption is never a guaranteed bed of roses and this parent obviously isn't mature enough to find any solution beside abandonment. I think the Russians are justified in suspending adoptions.

[Believer1997]

This is such a sad story and it breaks my heart. Obviously, this child had problems that required a special family to help him deal with. I feel so badly for this child. Poor little thing.

[winsomebulldog]

Maybe it's my generally empathetic nature, but I don't feel I can judge this young woman without knowing a little more information. First, I can totally imaging how something like this might happen. Follow my little story:

A young woman decides to adopt a little boy from Russia. Maybe she's tried to adopt here and been rejected. Maybe she's just one of those people who has always wanted to adopt a needy foreign child. It doesn't matter. She finds him so sweet and pitiful. The people at the orphanage tell her what a precious little boy he is. She's in love so she starts the process. She has other children but this is her first adoption. The 2 time she goes to Russia the boy is on his very best behavior because he's been threatened with punishment if he isn't. (Or maybe he's even drugged. Who knows?) So she eagerly signs all the necessary paperwork to bring this cute little boy into her home. Within weeks or even days of his arrival it begins to become clear that he has more than a few issues. He steals, breaks things, even causes harm to his adopted siblings and new mother. The more time that passes, the more violent he becomes. She tries to call the people who handled the adoption. She tries to call the orphanage. Everyone she talks to tells her, "Sorry, he's your problem now." Maybe she tries to take him to a therapist but therapy only works if the patient is willing. She begins to realize that the orphanage lied to her. She feels alone and overwhelmed and afraid of this child she wanted to love and care for. So she does something profoundly foolish out of sheer desperation.

This is all nothing more than supposition, of course, but I can certainly imagine it happening like this. Now, there's no denying she was wrong to do what she did. But to call her a monster for it is a bit extreme I think. Unless and until we learn some more details about the situation I will not condemn her. I have friends who adopted 2 children from right here within America. They were brother and sister who were near this young boy's age when they first came to live in my friends' home as foster children. My friends are firm Christians. They got "respect and authority established right away" because that is how they raised their other 2 biological children. And here, forrestkc is where I take a bit of offense with some of what you said.

When you see a kid with some severe issues a couple of years after being adopted, in most cases, certainly not all, but most, the problem stems back to the adoptive parents not being objective and not hitting the ground running from day one to establish authority and security as soon they adopted.

Those 2 children had emotional issues from day one and still have them today. The boy was eventually diagnosed as having an antisocial personality disorder.

Persons with this disorder characteristically disregard the feelings, property, authority, and respect of others, for their own personal gain. This may include violent or aggressive acts involving or targeting other individuals, without a sense or remorse or guilt for any of their destructive actions.

He was incapable of forming an emotional attachment to others. Even his own biological sister meant nothing to him. In case you are unaware, these are the children who often grow up to psychotic or even serial killers. I'm not being an alarmist, but that's the way it is. If a child is unable to form any kind of emotional attachment he or she has absolutely no motivation to care about the consequences of their actions. They are narcissistic and selfish in the extreme. They may even take pleasure from causing others pain. My friends never gave up on their son. Both he and his sister are adults now and he is still uncontrollable. He spent his final month of high school in a Christian military style academy where he towed the line simply because he didn't like being punished. (His words.) He's out now and I don't mind saying that I worry about what the future may hold for him.

I agree that any parent, whether biological or adoptive, has the responsibility to care for their children. But I can see how someone who wasn't warned what to expect, who was thinking that they were getting a "normal" child would be caught totally off guard by discovering their child was suffering from severe emotional and psychological problems. I'm not saying she was right to do what she did, but I think it would be only fair to give her the benefit of the doubt until someone comes forward and proves that she was as callous and unfeeling as some are portraying her. I feel inclined to believe until then that what she did was an act of desperation, albeit a very poorly thought out one.

[Guest HIS girl]

It's like marriage - take responsibilty and care for what you have.

She made a committment to raise this child as her own son. She had choices beforehand to choose other adoption agencies but she chose this particular one in Russia -

In the end the one who loses out is the child - if you read the Bible, our Lord Jesus had a compassionate soft spot for children - it's a responsibility to care for them - the aliens, the widows and the orphans.

Where I work, we deal with kids daily with mental and physical issues, wow, what if we sent them back home to parents and said "No, too hard and I wash my hands of him/her"....

Folks just don't want to take ownership anymore and because this child was adopted, then it is most easier to "send back" than if he was her birth child.

I echo your words Believer - I feel hugely for this child (and kids like him)...

[forrestkc]

Maybe it's my generally empathetic nature, but I don't feel I can judge this young woman without knowing a little more information. First, I can totally imaging how something like this might happen. Follow my little story:

A young woman decides to adopt a little boy from Russia. Maybe she's tried to adopt here and been rejected. Maybe she's just one of those people who has always wanted to adopt a needy foreign child. It doesn't matter. She finds him so sweet and pitiful. The people at the orphanage tell her what a precious little boy he is. She's in love so she starts the process. She has other children but this is her first adoption. The 2 time she goes to Russia the boy is on his very best behavior because he's been threatened with punishment if he isn't. (Or maybe he's even drugged. Who knows?) So she eagerly signs all the necessary paperwork to bring this cute little boy into her home. Within weeks or even days of his arrival it begins to become clear that he has more than a few issues. He steals, breaks things, even causes harm to his adopted siblings and new mother. The more time that passes, the more violent he becomes. She tries to call the people who handled the adoption. She tries to call the orphanage. Everyone she talks to tells her, "Sorry, he's your problem now." Maybe she tries to take him to a therapist but therapy only works if the patient is willing. She begins to realize that the orphanage lied to her. She feels alone and overwhelmed and afraid of this child she wanted to love and care for. So she does something profoundly foolish out of sheer desperation.

This is all nothing more than supposition, of course, but I can certainly imagine it happening like this. Now, there's no denying she was wrong to do what she did. But to call her a monster for it is a bit extreme I think. Unless and until we learn some more details about the situation I will not condemn her. I have friends who adopted 2 children from right here within America. They were brother and sister who were near this young boy's age when they first came to live in my friends' home as foster children. My friends are firm Christians. They got "respect and authority established right away" because that is how they raised their other 2 biological children. And here, forrestkc is where I take a bit of offense with some of what you said.

When you see a kid with some severe issues a couple of years after being adopted, in most cases, certainly not all, but most, the problem stems back to the adoptive parents not being objective and not hitting the ground running from day one to establish authority and security as soon they adopted.

Those 2 children had emotional issues from day one and still have them today. The boy was eventually diagnosed as having an antisocial personality disorder.

Persons with this disorder characteristically disregard the feelings, property, authority, and respect of others, for their own personal gain. This may include violent or aggressive acts involving or targeting other individuals, without a sense or remorse or guilt for any of their destructive actions.

He was incapable of forming an emotional attachment to others. Even his own biological sister meant nothing to him. In case you are unaware, these are the children who often grow up to psychotic or even serial killers. I'm not being an alarmist, but that's the way it is. If a child is unable to form any kind of emotional attachment he or she has absolutely no motivation to care about the consequences of their actions. They are narcissistic and selfish in the extreme. They may even take pleasure from causing others pain. My friends never gave up on their son. Both he and his sister are adults now and he is still uncontrollable. He spent his final month of high school in a Christian military style academy where he towed the line simply because he didn't like being punished. (His words.) He's out now and I don't mind saying that I worry about what the future may hold for him.

I agree that any parent, whether biological or adoptive, has the responsibility to care for their children. But I can see how someone who wasn't warned what to expect, who was thinking that they were getting a "normal" child would be caught totally off guard by discovering their child was suffering from severe emotional and psychological problems. I'm not saying she was right to do what she did, but I think it would be only fair to give her the benefit of the doubt until someone comes forward and proves that she was as callous and unfeeling as some are portraying her. I feel inclined to believe until then that what she did was an act of desperation, albeit a very poorly thought out one.

I understand what you are saying here, but the point remains that when you adopt a child, they are your child. They are not some second class child that you can simply abandon. There is no moral difference in that woman sending her kid to another nation to get rid of him, and a woman sending her biological child to another nation to get rid of them. If someone believes there is a difference between an adopted child and a biological child in terms of how you treat them as a parent, then they have no business at all adopting. It is as simple as that.

That woman and her mother as well should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for what they did. Not only only did they probably destroy the life of that 7 year old kid, but their actions have also resulted in thousands of adoptions being put on hold. Thousands of families that were going to take a russian child into their homes now devastated.

The fact is, this woman simply discarded her child and there is no justification whatsoever for doing that.