alecia Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 5 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 179 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 0 Joined: 08/08/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted August 12, 2004 This is like.. wow. I know how it feels to not like how you look.. This is something I almost never talk about, but now I feel like I can and maybe should. When I was 19 I had a bad case of meningitis with septicaemia, which is literaly blood poisoning. I slipped into a coma for a short time and was on the virge of death for a long time.. I lost a lot of my hearing due to infection in my brain, and the blood infection caused gangrene in my limbs, and caused my skin to start dying.. I was actually beginning to turn black from lack of blood to my skin. My hands and feet had to be amputated in order to save my life, and I had skin graft operations on my arms and legs, taking skin from my upper chest and stomach.. they took it off in squares so now I have discolored square patches all over and lots of scars.. it kind of looks like a quilt.. I also lost a lot of skin from my back and I was running out of donor skin so they used an artificial skin covering and I was transferred to a burn care unit to heal my skin... People cant see my scars because I always keep them covered, they only see that I dont have real hands, which isnt that big of a deal. But I cant stand to look at myself when I am not covered.. I feel like a hideous freak.. I dont want to ever get married or have a boyfriend because under my clothes I look terrible... I really cant stand to look at myself in the mirror.. im disgusting to myself.. Well anyways.. Ive wanted to say that for a long time.. and now Ive said it. I feel very selfish but I just cant help it.. my body doesnt look natural at all.. I hate it. Im sorry but I do... I guess thats all I can say... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adstar Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Royal Member Followers: 12 Topic Count: 75 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 3,399 Content Per Day: 0.43 Reputation: 1,307 Days Won: 1 Joined: 09/01/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted August 12, 2004 Great topic Willow and keslc your post is wonderful :il: We may say that we have developed a thick skin but that thick skin is only a thin vinneer, an attempt to take away the pleasure that cruel ones feel when they cause pain to others. The very fact that we suffer for years after being denigrated with bouts of depression only shows that our real skin was never thick at all. People who are sensitive to hurt are also sensitive to others hurting. So our weakness is in fact a great asset, in us being used in reaching out to others, Not only with the Word but also with genuine love and compassion. The combination is devastatingly powerful against satans greatest strongholds in the minds of those who believe they are unlovable, who believe that they are useless, who believe that no one would ever want them. A thought comes to me, that people who are sensitive, compassionate and loving rarely ever turn into proud, self righteous and puffed up people. So yes the saying is true "For when I am weak, then I am strong." A :hug: to you all All praise The Ancient of Days Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelby Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 16 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 706 Content Per Day: 0.10 Reputation: 22 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/30/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted August 12, 2004 Alecia, Oh how I feel for you. I do not have any amputated parts or anything but I do know the feeling of not even wanting to look at myself either. I am married and I hate undressing ever, I try to hide all the time. I hate my body. I am very large now, I was thin most of my life. I had a horrible thing happen to me at 19 and from there my weight snowballed. But since then I can't seem to get ahold of my weight. I am sure it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with the power I have with food. IT is really like Willow said, climbing mount everest with swimming flippers on, or better yet swimming flippers on and an extra 200lbs to boot. It is awful. I also hate those comment , given in love, supposedly, like: "You have such a pretty face", or "you just need self discipline." or "you are not as large as you were last time I saw you". Don't I see my self every day people? 'Haven't I thought of every possible thing that you could ever say. Your little moment of loving critcism is not going to be a revelation to me. Leave that to God! (That is what I want to say) I do realize it affects your health. I am getting some really achy bones and stuff now. I really want to lose weight, but it is so much deeper than the food, but skinny people who have never had a weight problem, seem to think it is the missing veggies in our diets. I wish that was it! Thanks Willow for the topic, I can relate! GBU Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alecia Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 5 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 179 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 0 Joined: 08/08/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted August 12, 2004 Thank you so much for your reply Shelby.. I have seen what its like when ppl make comments about somone else.. its just wrong.. I have a cousin who is over 300 pounds, and has a generous heart of gold.. he would do anything for a person in need, let somone live in his house, eat his food.. drive 100 miles to give somone a ride if they need it. But I hear people comment to him about his weight.. he has a physical condition and a learning disability, and a very sensitive heart.. it hurts him so bad when people talk to him that way.. it just makes me want to cry.. some of them mean well but they hurt him a lot more than theyre trying to help him. Its so wrong! People shouldnt say things like that because like you said, you already know all about it. Its just not right for people to say things like that at all.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marilyn777 Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Senior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 187 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 678 Content Per Day: 0.09 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/05/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/23/1959 Share Posted August 12, 2004 This is like.. wow. I know how it feels to not like how you look.. This is something I almost never talk about, but now I feel like I can and maybe should. When I was 19 I had a bad case of meningitis with septicaemia, which is literaly blood poisoning. I slipped into a coma for a short time and was on the virge of death for a long time.. I lost a lot of my hearing due to infection in my brain, and the blood infection caused gangrene in my limbs, and caused my skin to start dying.. I was actually beginning to turn black from lack of blood to my skin. My hands and feet had to be amputated in order to save my life, and I had skin graft operations on my arms and legs, taking skin from my upper chest and stomach.. they took it off in squares so now I have discolored square patches all over and lots of scars.. it kind of looks like a quilt.. I also lost a lot of skin from my back and I was running out of donor skin so they used an artificial skin covering and I was transferred to a burn care unit to heal my skin... People cant see my scars because I always keep them covered, they only see that I dont have real hands, which isnt that big of a deal. But I cant stand to look at myself when I am not covered.. I feel like a hideous freak.. I dont want to ever get married or have a boyfriend because under my clothes I look terrible... I really cant stand to look at myself in the mirror.. im disgusting to myself.. Well anyways.. Ive wanted to say that for a long time.. and now Ive said it. I feel very selfish but I just cant help it.. my body doesnt look natural at all.. I hate it. Im sorry but I do... I guess thats all I can say... Alecia I know you are beautiful inside and out, I don't have to physically see you to know that. You are a creation of God and like I said He does not make junk! God gives us all coping skills to deal with different situations in our lives some of us can take it in stride others require more time and perhaps counseling. Unfortunately we are a society that 99% of the time judge people on appearance first, and then personality second. We all grow up with different ideals of what the perfect person is suppose to look like and thats all they are 'ideals'. One nice thing about the internet is the people you are talking to are faceless so you can let your guard down and become the real you, let your personality shine. There are so many people here that I have gotten to know without seeing what they look like, but thats ok because I feel like I'm getting to know the person from the inside out first, what makes them tick so to speak. I wish everyone could do that because by the time you see someone for the first time you have had a chance to get to know them personally and you just know that that the outward appearance doesn't matter in the slightest. And Alecia I know by listening to you talk and express your feelings in the written word that you are a sensitive, beautiful person inside and out and you have so much to offer. And I for one am very glad you are here and I look forward to getting to know you better. The Only Perfection Is Jesus Marilyn Here is a Pretty Yellow Rose just for you Alecia! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keslc Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 25 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 745 Content Per Day: 0.10 Reputation: 19 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/30/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 09/27/1976 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Thanks Adstar Alecia, :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: Thank you for sharing such a personal story! I think that is so amazing when people are willing to share such intimate things. You are a hero in my book! God bless you! Shelby, You are my best friend! (duh, you know that!) but I love you no matter what! You have so many qualities I wish I could have! You probably don't even realize it. It's true we see ourselves everyday, but I think we look at ourselves through different eyes than the rest of the world. When I look at myself, I have a hard time not focusing on the (what seems to me) huge craters in my face and a big nose, but I know that is not what, say, Chris (my husband for those who don't know) sees. He sees my big brown eyes or my smile. Same with you, girl, you may be zoning in on your weight, but let me tell you, I see a gorgeous girl with awesome hair, sparkly blue eyes, and an angel's voice. I bet Greg (Shelby's hubby for those who don't know) would say similar things. :hug: :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alecia Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 5 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 179 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 0 Joined: 08/08/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted August 12, 2004 Thank you sooo very much Marilyn... I think I just needed to let it out and hear some kind words... thank you, it really means a lot to me.. im fighting back tears right now.. I think I needed somone to remind me that I am beautiful even though I dont look the same as everyone else.. we all are, every one of us.. its hard to believe, when I look at myself.. I still look the same.. but its only the worlds standards that make me think I am ugly, which can be hard to get past. I dont know if ill ever be fully comfortable with myself, there will probably always be times when I feel down.. but you have helped me a lot. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stilllearnin' Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 15 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 195 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/23/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/16/1959 Share Posted August 12, 2004 All of you amaze me! You are so brave!! I would like you to know that even the most beautiful people you know, or look at from afar because you feel like they would never like you because you are not like them, even they have insecurities about their looks; they see huge flaws in themselves, that we would never notice; in fact we'd be so happy if we had such tiny imperfections as they do. I always feel threatened by beautiful women, I think society has a lot to do with that, but I have come to find out that a lot of times they feel threatened by me, because I look intelligent (must be the glasses.) So I really should try to befriend them as much as I would someone who is average looking. Marilynn, you are so right, that is one of the things I really like about being on Worthy, you get to know people you might not otherwise get to know because you would be very intimidated by that person if you saw them at first, never taking the opportunity to get to know them. Thank you for bringing up this topic Willow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 37 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 440 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/12/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/14/1977 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 alecia, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))) People cant see my scars because I always keep them covered, they only see that I don't have real hands, which isn't that big of a deal. But I cant stand to look at myself when I am not covered.. I feel like a hideous freak.. I don't want to ever get married or have a boyfriend because under my clothes I look terrible... I really cant stand to look at myself in the mirror.. im disgusting to myself.. Can I just say how many people feel like you do, and they don't have even half the reasons you do to? But that aside, I don't know how what you went through feels, but I know the resulting feeling. I have felt EXACTLY the same way. And I keep thinking my body should be perfect when I get married. Then I look around me and see all the dozens, hundreds of couples that have gotten married, and there bodies aren't perfect. What about someone in a wheel chair, who may not be able to operate their legs, yet they can still feel joy, pain, pleasure, tenderness. And yet, there physical limitations has not limited some of them. God has blessed them with jewels for husbands. This kind of reminds me of a movie, with Mini Driver, where she didn't want to get close to someone because of a large scar she had from open heart surgery. She always wore high collared shirts. And might I just say......except for being newlyweds, or living in a nudist colony :x: your future spouse will see you most of the time with your clothes on! And those few moments with him otherwise he will reaffirm you that he loves you - no matter what. Since he is probably feeling self-conscious about himself too! I understand though - it is a very intimate moment where there is nothing left to hide behind. Here you are and there he is. How about you and I just take it one day and one step at a time?! God will help both of us through our insecurities and bless us both with husbands who love the rest of us as well - beyond what our skin can show! (believe me I am preaching to myself right now to!) Remember, in 1John it talks about perfect love driving out all fear. There is no fear in love. Oh I can't wait to experience God's extension of that here on earth in the form of a companion. Don't I see my self every day people? 'Haven't I thought of every possible thing that you could ever say. Your little moment of loving criticism is not going to be a revelation to me. Leave that to God! (That is what I want to say) I do realize it affects your health. I am getting some really achy bones and stuff now. I really want to lose weight, but it is so much deeper than the food, but skinny people who have never had a weight problem, seem to think it is the missing veggies in our diets. I wish that was it! Oh Shelby, :hug: you took the words right out of my mouth. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Except I have said those words to people lol Adstar - :hug: thanks Bro. You are a hero! Remember dear friends, God created many aspects to us. More than just our skin and outward features. But here is a thought.......some of the best books I ever bought at an antique store had the plainest, or some of them the most beaten up covers......but open the cover and WOW. I count myself lucky to have found it, and grateful nobody else got their hands on it before I did!!! Covers can be beautiful, but they don't always indicate the value of the content!! Think about the bible......generally speaking.....one of the plainest covers anywhere. And look at the hidden jewel for content. Absolutely priceless!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stilllearnin' Posted August 12, 2004 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 15 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 195 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/23/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/16/1959 Share Posted August 12, 2004 One thing I forgot to mention, that can be applied to our looks as well, is this, don't make jokes about a person's name, they have had it all of their lives and have probably heard everything anyone could ever say about it, it more than likely wasn't that funny the first 30 times they heard it. Same applies to our looks, we know what we look like, and have probably heard every helpful little tidbit there is about how to lose weight, treat those blemishes, etc. etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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