Absolutely realizing,my life is worth ZERO...

[Guest loveangelmusic]

Hello all!

I have looked at my life, I turned 40 2 months ago. I am absolutely living a worthless life. I had a pretty difficult childhood. One of Five children, I was the 2nd to youngest, and my parents were so into their own love/hate affair that they rarely had time for us. All my life I tried and tried to get my mother to love me, even now, at 40, it just seems pitiful. Been through psychotherapy, to try and get over a lot of issues, and I do understand my mother is incapable of loving another human being.

It just hurts me so much, when there really is no one in my life right now. My mom divorced my dad when I was 14, then remarried a wonderful man when I turned 16. He became my hero! A fascinating man, taught at UCLA, was a scientist, and the most humble of humble people I've ever known.

He was diagnosed w/ cancer in 99, and moved my mother and himself away from California to a depressing area -- it was where is brother lived. My mom asked for my help, so I got an apt and tried my best to help. She was far away from her many friends. So, I just did small things -- grocery shopping at times, etc. Then, my father got so sick, my mom was taking his medication to ease her own pain, for a few months, and then my dad died. It was awful -- the worst part is no one knows I was there in the room when he said his last words, (he asked for my mom). My mom had only left for a minute, as her friend had just arrived from the airport and my mom ran downstairs to greet her.

So...I know so many of you have heard from people that have lost loved ones to cancer...i know....

Now -- I am 40. I look at my life -

0-8 - Just a kid! Very small tho, and was always the shortest, skinniest in school.

9 years old - raped by 4 boys one day on my way home from school

12 years old - thought about dying...a lot. I admired Marilyn monroe so much, and decided I would wait until I was 36, like her...and not hurt my mom, just find a way to die.

15 years old - (could've been 16, can't recall) 1st job mcdonalds.after that, always worked, sometimes 3 jobs at one time.

18- beach, parties, beach...

20 - Found my dream job, and fell in love with my boss, my first and only real love, he married, but cotinuously pursued me...I have so many mixed feelings still, about this man.

21 - discovered my passion - ballet! had basically bad teachers until I was 27, when I met a wonderful english ballet teacher that took me under her wings!

26 - He fired me ! Well, I was too emotionally sick to work.. I was late all the time, could not concentrate, I was obsessed, I guess. Found out he was in love w/ me from his best friend...

27 - moved back home, couldnt find job...severely depressed

28 - found another job - better pay too! Anyway, met a guy that worked across the street from me...could not stand him at first, reminded me of my REAL dad.

30- Married the guy, then he moved us to the midwest... I couldn't stand it there, left for 2 weeks to study ballet for awhile, came back and he was having an affair.

I moved back home...again....much to my mom's DISmay !

30-35 On and off jobs, no support from family, went into a domestic abuse place for awhile, as my X husband had asked for me back, I went, and he hit me, left there, offered to be rehired at an old job, took it, had no boyfriends, no relationships

35 - Moved to my stepdad and my mom's city...got my own apt

36 - Met a guy, turned out he was an alchoholic, 3 times he strangled me - 3rd time he was actually trying to kill me..luckiliy someone heard me and called the police.

38-39 Dad died, I stayed at their house, and left my apt, sold the house and my brother bought my mom as home in Calif.

39- Brother got me an apt here......

Now - my car is broken down, I don't socialize, never knew how, we moved (my oldest sister figured out ) 36 times before I was 12. My dad was always having affairs..I don't know if this had anything to do with it.

Well - I can't concentrate, my mom won't allow me to take care of her house while she is away , because I have so many fears...( I've called her and 'bothered' her when her dog was missing..he was found in the backyard, hiding ), I was hysterical, this is how I am. I hardly eat...just no appetite. I just don't think anyone in my family cares anymore, and why should they? I should be getting my own life...but I look at it that if I am this old..and cannot even know how to make friends..??? I have problems!

I dont know what else to write, I guess maybe, I know the answers to all my problems, maybe I do, I just want someone to take care of me, that is the only answer I can think of, I don't know..

I wish there was a majical way to meet a man...someone that can understand me, I had many fabulous times with the few relationships with men I have had, I don't know. I just want to leave, but where...and not hurt anyone.

[kittyjo]

Hi Love!

I can understand how you feel. I went through a very emotional and abusive childhood as well. I was alone and isolated much of my life, I didn't develop the talent of making friends nor do I do very well in social situations... But, I can fake it if I need to. I usually feel the odd man out and the things that come so naturally to others seems to take much effort for me. Even this forum has become a bit of a social exercise of sorts for me.

I am swiftly approaching 40 and I have done the same as you... I made a mental list of all I haven't done, or acomplished, my failures, etc. I look at where so many my age are now in their lives and I wonder... What happened? Where did the time go? What is in store for me now? It is very easy to see the things that we feel, we are missing in our lives... It is so much harder to see what we have done, even the small things. It is during these times I make sure to count my blessings. Sometimes it's hard, but the blessings are there and my faith becomes restored.

On the bottom of this post it will say 'my testimony' [click to read], I didn't include all the bad things nor did I include all the good things... it is just a snip from my life, and if you read it, you may understand where I'm coming from and know that I do understand.

First off, do you know Jesus? People will always fail our expectations but our heavenly Father is always there for us. We can't put our hopes into another person to make us happy or fulfill us... But the Lord can touch and heal our soul... He can fill us with joy if we let Him.

It's time to let go and let God. Let go of the past and give it to God. Let Him be the man to take care of you right now. Build a relationship with Him first and then the rest of the pieces will fall into place... Let Him be the one to find you the right man in marriage.

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

:hug:

[Guest loveangelmusic]

Hello kittyjo,

What a wonderful letter you wrote. I so much appreciate it. As far as making friends, I think I do the same as you, kind of 'fake it'. I don't know what impression I make on people. I have been told that I have a 'look' - that people always want to help me, I guess that is why I have been hired so many times and the only types of men that strongly approach me are usually controlling/abusive types, they can sense that I am weak inside...but really I have a lot of strength, too, but a weakness for these types of people.

To count my blessings:

I was blessed with my stepfather, he had a huge influence in my life.

The man I fell in love with, my old boss, years ago, well, the old saying, I don't know if I am quoting it correctly:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"

My brother helps me out financially, at least right now while I cannot work - I have severe anxiety issues...and I will cry even if I just hear a sad story that I overhear at a public place, or if I am at a social thing -- I always have to hold back tears.

The financial thing will not last for long, my mother has told him not to give me anything. Her mother died in may, and she is inheriting enough for her to survive until HER death...and does not want any of us 'children' taking from my brother.

I have right now...a beautiful apartment. The sun will be out tomorrow.

Maybe my car will be fixed tomorrow, and I can drive.

I was blessed with an enormous love for animals...strange, my cat that died over 2 years ago, named Goo... ( lol ), well, I have been calling my new cat goo and all her nicknames for the last week, yet I have had this cat for 2 years, and never made that mistake.

I was blessed with a great eye for fashion, women actually have attempted to buy stuff that I was wearing! But I just cannot get myself to get out there and do something about this -- I can't write enough about how many women say " I love your style , what is it you are wearing "..and they want to know everything.

I was blessed in that I am very good at most athletic sports.

I was blessed with small hands and feet.... ( my sister who has uma thurman hands always tells me that )...and I did model ONE time for a TV show in LA modeling appx 150 pairs of shoes !

I was blessed with a sense of humour

I was blessed in that my parents never even mentioned racism in our household until it something on TV or something brought it up, so while growing up I never really cared about differences in races...

I am blessed that I was loved by at least two men, that I know of now

I just don't want to do it anymore, I am tired....maybe another day, and I will venture out...what a pity story, I am sorry, I cannot help my sadness

I will read your testimony. Unfortunately, my family never took us to church.

We were told at a very young age that it would be up to us choose or not choose a religion.....they just did not believe.

I thank you..again, I will read your testimony, you wrote u had an emotional and physically abusive childhood....yeah, my dad would line us up, all 5, and get his belt out, or is size 13 work shoes, just for eating some of my moms cookies, and whoever did it didn't admit it, so all of us. I believe he so enjoyed the spankings. At one time he spanked me so hard, and all my siblings were of course there for their spankings, and I actually flew in the air across the garage, imagine a 6'3 man doing that, what a weirdo. I refuse to talk to him, and have not seen him in over 15 years, and not talked to him in 6 years.

My mom was the emotinal abuser....still is, I just wonder how some people are able to leave their families entirely and live their own lives

Thank you.

[stilllearnin']

Greetings love and welcome here.

You really do have a lot of blessings listed there. Wow!

Another thing you have going for you is that you express yourself beautifully through the written word!

God gifted you with many talents.

I pray that you will see your need for a Savior and accept Jesus as yours.

He very much wants a personal relationship with you.

He is our purpose for living. :hug:

stilllearnin'

[traveller]

Welcome to Worthy loveangel!

May I start of by saying that you're life is not worthless? Nor are you. You see, God created you. Imagine that the God of all creation, created YOU. He made the stars and the heavens, the earth, the mountains, the rivers the flowers the trees, the horses the zebras the ocean. And you. You were designed. He picked out your haircolor and your height. Down to the last detail, He designed you. How special is that that the Lord of all creation, loved you before you were even born. So you are not worthless.

Jhn 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

So you see, you're certainly not worthless, you are priceless.

[Guest loveangelmusic]

Hello, thank you for all your generous messages..one person sent me this...his name on this board is WIX :

Since my post take a while to come through and this seems kinda urgent, here you go

Mmm, suicide is always an option to be considered.

the only types of men that strongly approach me are usually controlling/abusive types

Ah, taking no responsability. Some women end up going for guys that are abusive (either because you were abused or just because), so don't blame them (not that I support their abuse at all). Anyway, take out a piece of paper and a writing untensil(spelling? and yes, English 101;)).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Write down what reasons you have to live and what reaons not to; decide whether or not you wish to continue living. If you have decided life is not worth living, kill yourself, otherwise go to step two.

2) On a new piece of paper write down what you wish to do, goals (make them relatively reasonible).

3) Brainstorm ways of achieving your goals then start working.

Yes suicide is an option, and I guess I stated it in a roundabout way in my post.

As far as spelling/grammer. I am sorry, but I don't know what I misspelled, I guess most people understood my post, and when you are feeling down, at least me, I write fast, and try my best to pay attention to grammar. But, you WIX, you not cool. To send me that letter privately. I have posted it here... for all to see.

[Guest loveangelmusic]

Greetings love and welcome here.

You really do have a lot of blessings listed there. Wow!

Another thing you have going for you is that you express yourself beautifully through the written word!

God gifted you with many talents.

I pray that you will see your need for a Savior and accept Jesus as yours.

He very much wants a personal relationship with you.

He is our purpose for living.

stilllearnin'

Thank you SO MUCH stillEarnin' !

Thank you for saying I express myself beautifully ! I had a good day today, I did.

I have ups and downs.....this weekend was bad, and I posted here. I had a really nice talk with my Sister in law, not telling her my problems, but listening to this beatiful women my brother took for a wife 20 years ago. I strive to be like her, I can try! They are both still so in love ! It is wonderful.

Thank you so much for you kind words, they DO mean a lot to me.

:-)

:t:

[Guest loveangelmusic]

Traveler,

Thank YOU for thoughtful post! Oh, to be priceless! Imagine that!

...oh and please if someone is watching my spelling errors,

yes I wrote that my sister in law was beatifil, she is Beautiful !

Oh beatifil sounds awful!!

Also, post below, I tried to quote it from stillearnin' ..the beginning of the post was written by stillearnin' then, I replied. I couldn't get the quote option to work for me.

Thank you again,

Peace

[Kabowd]

Obviously your life was worth enough for Christ to pay for it with His blood. If that doesn't deem you as valuable, I don't know what does. Maybe you should try to see yourself as God's sees you, instead of basing your worth on your own accomplishments. I'm convinced that if we ever truly grasped the depth of His passion to know us, we would never struggle with insecurity. You are precious to God, and it's His opinion that matters.

"Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:14-17

The next time you're feeling down and worthless, pray that God will help you to rest in his love..and that He'll let you hear him singing His songs of deliverance over you.

[Kabowd]

One more thing, I just wanted to encourage you to find your worth in who God says you are. Here are a few things He says about you:

You are loved (John 3:16)

You are wanted (John 13:3)

You are found (Luke 15:32)

You are righteous (Gal. 3:6)

You are a fighter (I Tim. 6:12)

You are a winner (I Cor. 9:24)

You are remembered and thought of (Ps. 139:17-18; Jer. 29:11)

You are accepted (Eph. 1:6)

You are an overcomer (I John 2:13)

You are strong (I John 2:14; Is. 40:31)

You are forgiven (I John 2:12)

Hope that helps.