Fez Posted February 15, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 683 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 11,128 Content Per Day: 2.00 Reputation: 1,352 Days Won: 54 Joined: 02/03/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/07/1952 Share Posted February 15, 2011 One warning brother. She will be looking for a stable platform now. Be careful. Never alone. In a room, always with an open door, and people next door. Every bit of advice or help, based on the scriptures. Life is life, and people are people, and I have seen things like this take a turn they should not (I know that this is not the case here, but she will need guidance and counsel now, and she is vulnerable, and probably not thinking too straight). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RGR Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 512 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 8,601 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 125 Days Won: 2 Joined: 07/16/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/04/1973 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) Thank you all for the advice/prayers. After 1 1/2 months of being separated she reconciled with him yesterday. She talked to me at length this morning at work and says she truly believes he's "changed this time." Heard it many times before....call me cynical but I just don't know. I told her I wanted them to make it if at all possible and that I had been praying for them before they got back together (though I was honestly praying she would have enough sense not to go back to him lol) and I would continue to be praying. It's very tough after seeing all he's put her through to pray that the marriage will work. Forgive me if that sounds awful, but it is. She's still cynical as well and she admitted as such. She first told me that no one had supported her decision to go back to him. I told her frankly I was bewildered at it myself and if I thought it would do any good I would give her a swift kick in the rear (I said it jokingly). She refuses to put back on her wedding band until he renews their vows and she also wants him to go to church with her. I'm proud of the fact she's seeing the need to go to church and get her life straight with God. My thoughts on the thing? After he hung around the store all day, I still see the same guy I've known for a while.....a guy trying to act all good in front of people but something isn't "right." He teasingly accused me of sending her a vulgar photo at work (I was having issues w/ my phone-spent close to an hour on the phone w/ AT&T). The thing is that he's accused me (not to my face but it's came back through the grapevine) of sleeping w/ her before. I don't see a change from where I stand to be honest. What to pray? God works in mysterious ways and I know He can save both of them and make them into a testimony to be proud of. On the other hand, I don't see where anything has changed and I truly figure in a month or two it will be back to what has became the norm. Do I pray for God to change them both or that God will open her eyes if he hasn't changed? Sheesh, I'd like to beat my head on a wall!!!! Edited February 17, 2011 by RGR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt712 Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 12 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 88 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/08/2011 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/06/1981 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you all for the advice/prayers. After 1 1/2 months of being separated she reconciled with him yesterday. She talked to me at length this morning at work and says she truly believes he's "changed this time." Heard it many times before....call me cynical but I just don't know. I told her I wanted them to make it if at all possible and that I had been praying for them before they got back together (though I was honestly praying she would have enough sense not to go back to him lol) and I would continue to be praying. It's very tough after seeing all he's put her through to pray that the marriage will work. Forgive me if that sounds awful, but it is. She's still cynical as well and she admitted as such. She first told me that no one had supported her decision to go back to him. I told her frankly I was bewildered at it myself and if I thought it would do any good I would give her a swift kick in the rear (I said it jokingly). She refuses to put back on her wedding band until he renews their vows and she also wants him to go to church with her. I'm proud of the fact she's seeing the need to go to church and get her life straight with God. My thoughts on the thing? After he hung around the store all day, I still see the same guy I've known for a while.....a guy trying to act all good in front of people but something isn't "right." He teasingly accused me of sending her a vulgar photo at work (I was having issues w/ my phone-spent close to an hour on the phone w/ AT&T). The thing is that he's accused me (not to my face but it's came back through the grapevine) of sleeping w/ her before. I don't see a change from where I stand to be honest. What to pray? God works in mysterious ways and I know He can save both of them and make them into a testimony to be proud of. On the other hand, I don't see where anything has changed and I truly figure in a month or two it will be back to what has became the norm. Do I pray for God to change them both or that God will open her eyes if he hasn't changed? Sheesh, I'd like to beat my head on a wall!!!! I just woke up a few minutes ago and am not up to looking for scripture right now, but..... I know the bible has some good stuff about cynicism and practicality. I've seen and heard the 'I've changed' routine before and I'm very familiar with observing how a man might act kind and reasonable in public, but have another face in private. My sister is dating a co-dependent alcoholic who gets belligerent when he's drunk. He doesn't seem to be as extreme as the man you are describing, and doesn't hit her, but all the same traits are there. He is jealous even when there is no cause to be because he is possessive and insecure. He starts fights even when he hasn't been drinking and they have screaming matches behind closed doors(in front of their son btw). He makes excuses for his inappropriate behavior such as: 'Because I love you...' or 'You just make me so mad when...'. The excuses subtly shift all the blame to my sister. Lastly, they are more sweet and loving in public than is really necessary, pretending everything is ok. It just doesn't ring true to me as an observer though; It doesn't feel 'right'. I have been praying for the three of them; my sister, her boyfriend, and their son. I just pray to God to do 'the best thing for all concerned'. I am struggling not to hate her boyfriend because that's not right as a christian. I don't request that God remove this person from her life because He knows that she will have to make the choice herself. I really empathize with your position as a ringside observer. It's almost as painful to watch suffering as it is to suffer sometimes, especially when you know better than the sufferer that they are about to go through it again. I am banging my head into a wall with alongside you RGR!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 539 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 32,790 Content Per Day: 5.03 Reputation: 23,471 Days Won: 223 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted February 17, 2011 been there and done that as I know you have in your own way Ron ... all you can do is pray " for Gods will " and keep every meeting you have in the VERY public eye My advice about a code word is even more appropriate now as she will think it even harder to admit she has made the same mistake again and may leave it too late to get help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt712 Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 12 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 88 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/08/2011 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/06/1981 Share Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) I'd like to add something to my last post which just occurred to me. Scripture speaks of the harm done when we lead people to sin. My sister has been engaged for 3 years and, though she is not Christian, has intended to marry her boyfriend since their son was born. She refuses to do it now because he is unfit to be a husband in her eyes. Frankly, I think she is terrified at the idea that marriage might give him a sort of 'ownership' of her and her son; A license to remain as he is 'cause he's got her no matter what. Even as a non-christian she is trying to follow God's law in this respect, but the very nature of the man she is with prevents that. I really resent him for not trying harder to do what is right, but instead doing what he can to get his way. He alternates between saying he's changing and denying he has any problem at all. I know he was severely abused by his father and is, by all accounts, a better man than his father ever was, but which is worse: A bad man who knowingly does what is wrong, or a good man who knowingly does what is wrong? Sorry to go on about my life when it is you who came here looking for support RGR. I just want you to fully realize that you are not alone, but are supported. This also really hits a personal nerve for me...... Edited February 17, 2011 by Matt712 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 539 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 32,790 Content Per Day: 5.03 Reputation: 23,471 Days Won: 223 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Just how old is your nephew ? Your sister may wake up to the harm this relationship is doing to her son if you gently at some point when she is open to listening ..point out that what a child sees and hears during the early years of his or her life is often what they become when they are older... would she want her son to follow his fathers footsteps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt712 Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 12 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 88 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/08/2011 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/06/1981 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Just how old is your nephew ? Your sister may wake up to the harm this relationship is doing to her son if you gently at some point when she is open to listening ..point out that what a child sees and hears during the early years of his or her life is often what they become when they are older... would she want her son to follow his fathers footsteps He is five years old and already acting out a lot, especially when either of his parents are around. He actually is much more manageable when they are not in the same room as him. I'm certain it's because of the way his parents fight. He absolutely loves me and follows me everywhere, so I try to be a good role model as his uncle and all. For a while I was trying to be his father figure too, but I realized that was futile and not really best for him or me. His catch phrase is 'wanna play with me?' lol. It's what he says when I walk in the room every time, without fail. I have tried to talk to my sister about what is best for him and she's made a little progress there. After an awful binge put her boyfriend in the hospital (I had to go scrape him off the floor with my father and take him there) she made the big guy move out. He's in outpatient and can't come back to live there right now 'cause he refuses to do in-patient treatment. He's doing it for her though, so I pray that he gets something out of it. He really needs to do it for himself, instead of her, but baby steps are sometimes required in recovery. She's also going to a marriage counselor once a week and a child psychologist once a week. My family is guiding her by the hand in all this because she has a tendency to make the whole situation about her when it's my nephew we all are most concerned for. We love her, but she's an adult and can make her own choices to be happy or miserable. My nephew cannot though. He needs us to advocate for him when she loses focus on what's important. Thanks for asking, and for reading all this. It's good to talk about it sometimes. Clears my head and heart a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RGR Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 512 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 8,601 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 125 Days Won: 2 Joined: 07/16/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/04/1973 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you all for the advice/prayers. After 1 1/2 months of being separated she reconciled with him yesterday. She talked to me at length this morning at work and says she truly believes he's "changed this time." Heard it many times before....call me cynical but I just don't know. I told her I wanted them to make it if at all possible and that I had been praying for them before they got back together (though I was honestly praying she would have enough sense not to go back to him lol) and I would continue to be praying. It's very tough after seeing all he's put her through to pray that the marriage will work. Forgive me if that sounds awful, but it is. She's still cynical as well and she admitted as such. She first told me that no one had supported her decision to go back to him. I told her frankly I was bewildered at it myself and if I thought it would do any good I would give her a swift kick in the rear (I said it jokingly). She refuses to put back on her wedding band until he renews their vows and she also wants him to go to church with her. I'm proud of the fact she's seeing the need to go to church and get her life straight with God. My thoughts on the thing? After he hung around the store all day, I still see the same guy I've known for a while.....a guy trying to act all good in front of people but something isn't "right." He teasingly accused me of sending her a vulgar photo at work (I was having issues w/ my phone-spent close to an hour on the phone w/ AT&T). The thing is that he's accused me (not to my face but it's came back through the grapevine) of sleeping w/ her before. I don't see a change from where I stand to be honest. What to pray? God works in mysterious ways and I know He can save both of them and make them into a testimony to be proud of. On the other hand, I don't see where anything has changed and I truly figure in a month or two it will be back to what has became the norm. Do I pray for God to change them both or that God will open her eyes if he hasn't changed? Sheesh, I'd like to beat my head on a wall!!!! I just woke up a few minutes ago and am not up to looking for scripture right now, but..... I know the bible has some good stuff about cynicism and practicality. I've seen and heard the 'I've changed' routine before and I'm very familiar with observing how a man might act kind and reasonable in public, but have another face in private. My sister is dating a co-dependent alcoholic who gets belligerent when he's drunk. He doesn't seem to be as extreme as the man you are describing, and doesn't hit her, but all the same traits are there. He is jealous even when there is no cause to be because he is possessive and insecure. He starts fights even when he hasn't been drinking and they have screaming matches behind closed doors(in front of their son btw). He makes excuses for his inappropriate behavior such as: 'Because I love you...' or 'You just make me so mad when...'. The excuses subtly shift all the blame to my sister. Lastly, they are more sweet and loving in public than is really necessary, pretending everything is ok. It just doesn't ring true to me as an observer though; It doesn't feel 'right'. I have been praying for the three of them; my sister, her boyfriend, and their son. I just pray to God to do 'the best thing for all concerned'. I am struggling not to hate her boyfriend because that's not right as a christian. I don't request that God remove this person from her life because He knows that she will have to make the choice herself. I really empathize with your position as a ringside observer. It's almost as painful to watch suffering as it is to suffer sometimes, especially when you know better than the sufferer that they are about to go through it again. I am banging my head into a wall with alongside you RGR!! Yes, Matt, I think you've hit the nail on the head. He's "over the top" in how he acts about loving her. He even said something to the extent "it's a beautiful day b/c two hearts are in love" or something to that extent and then asked me what I thought. I told I thought he'd been reading too many books lol!!! I still see her trying to take partial blame for the abuse as well. "Oh, Ron, well I acted like a b**ch" or "well, I got physical with him too." Mind you she got physically violent towards him after he'd did it to her and in self-defense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 683 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 11,128 Content Per Day: 2.00 Reputation: 1,352 Days Won: 54 Joined: 02/03/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/07/1952 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Brother, walk away and walk away now. Then wait and see, but don't get any more involved. This thing has already pulled you off track to a degree, in that you felt forced to lie, I told her I wanted them to make it if at all possible and that I had been praying for them before they got back together (though I was honestly praying she would have enough sense not to go back to him lol) and I would continue to be praying What is God to make of that? No judgment RGR, just an observation from someone far removed (sometimes with advice, a good place to be). Walk away and pray while you wait. Blessings (and I really mean that) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RGR Posted February 17, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 512 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 8,601 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 125 Days Won: 2 Joined: 07/16/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/04/1973 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Brother, walk away and walk away now. Then wait and see, but don't get any more involved. This thing has already pulled you off track to a degree, in that you felt forced to lie, I told her I wanted them to make it if at all possible and that I had been praying for them before they got back together (though I was honestly praying she would have enough sense not to go back to him lol) and I would continue to be praying What is God to make of that? No judgment RGR, just an observation from someone far removed (sometimes with advice, a good place to be). Walk away and pray while you wait. Blessings (and I really mean that) Fez, you misunderstood. I wasn't praying for them to get back together, but I was praying for them....a huge difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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