RGR Posted October 24, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 512 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 8,601 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 125 Days Won: 2 Joined: 07/16/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/04/1973 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I have a coworker who is like family to me, more a sister than a friend. She is in an abusive marriage, abusive in the emotional, mental and physical realms. Her husband has cheated on her numerous times, constantly treats her like she's going to cheat on him (she's been accused of sleeping w/ other coworkers including me) but the worst part is the physical abuse. The latest episode of physical abuse culminated in her attempting suicide this past week after he choked her and left her bruised up. Myself and others have told her that she should get out of the abusive situation. Her brother has tried to get her to move to another state where he lives even. When the abuse takes place, she'll agree that she needs to get her and her kids (yes, there are kids involved) out of the situation and go where he can't find her. However she will rarely kick him out of the house, she won't leave and in a few days it's all about her saying what a great guy he truly is, he truly didn't mean to hurt her, etc. I finally point blank told her the other day that I was beginning to get afraid I'd be attending her funeral. Even that didn't seem to hit home. I know she's an adult, will do what she wants to do. I consistently pray for her , give her advice when she talks to me, but nothing changes. I've even threatened to wash my hands of the situation, not to talk to her regarding it but I can't do that, it's just my nature. Am I missing something? Any advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted October 24, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 683 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 11,128 Content Per Day: 1.99 Reputation: 1,352 Days Won: 54 Joined: 02/03/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/07/1952 Share Posted October 24, 2010 It's called battered woman syndrome, and yes she needs help badly. "Battered Women Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nyoka Posted October 24, 2010 Group: Junior Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 0 Topics Per Day: 0 Content Count: 89 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 16 Days Won: 1 Joined: 03/04/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/25/1963 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Fez you are very right. I suffered from this in my first marriage. My ex husband was very abusive and unfaithful to me. I denied it at first and then moved on to the guilt stage. I tried to rationalize his behavior and tried to live up to the impossible expectations he had of me. I rationalized this by thinking it was my fault and that I was the one in the wrong and if I could just learn to be the perfect wife and do what he expected of me then everything would be heaven for us. I even thought that there must be something wrong with me. While I only saw the problem as affecting me and not affecting my children I was willing to keep trying to "fix" the problem with me. What woke me up was when I found out my husband thought I was leaving him for another man so he decided to kill my children and myself to stop us leaving. It wasn't until I left and got help that I saw the real damage that he had done to my children. RGR all you can do is have lots of patience. Your friend is very beaten down and lacking any real self confidence. She probably believes as I did - that without him she is nothing and worthless and can't raise her children alone. The abuser gets you to the point you don't believe you can do anything without them and if you left you would make a worse mess of your life. Because of this belief being drummed into you, day in and day out, then you end up staying with the abuser. So have plenty of patience and do what my friends did. They found out places I could get help and shelter and what I needed to know if they could get me to leave him. Above all be patient with her as she truly is blind to what is going on and really can't see what you see - I know I never could when my friends tried to tell me. And pray heaps. i will be praying for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted October 24, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 683 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 11,128 Content Per Day: 1.99 Reputation: 1,352 Days Won: 54 Joined: 02/03/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/07/1952 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Fez you are very right. I suffered from this in my first marriage. My ex husband was very abusive and unfaithful to me. I denied it at first and then moved on to the guilt stage. I tried to rationalize his behavior and tried to live up to the impossible expectations he had of me. I rationalized this by thinking it was my fault and that I was the one in the wrong and if I could just learn to be the perfect wife and do what he expected of me then everything would be heaven for us. I even thought that there must be something wrong with me. While I only saw the problem as affecting me and not affecting my children I was willing to keep trying to "fix" the problem with me. What woke me up was when I found out my husband thought I was leaving him for another man so he decided to kill my children and myself to stop us leaving. It wasn't until I left and got help that I saw the real damage that he had done to my children. RGR all you can do is have lots of patience. Your friend is very beaten down and lacking any real self confidence. She probably believes as I did - that without him she is nothing and worthless and can't raise her children alone. The abuser gets you to the point you don't believe you can do anything without them and if you left you would make a worse mess of your life. Because of this belief being drummed into you, day in and day out, then you end up staying with the abuser. So have plenty of patience and do what my friends did. They found out places I could get help and shelter and what I needed to know if they could get me to leave him. Above all be patient with her as she truly is blind to what is going on and really can't see what you see - I know I never could when my friends tried to tell me. And pray heaps. i will be praying for her. Praise Jesus you got out when you did sister As an aside, I have always been interested in your name... It has a Zulu meaning, just with an i in front but pronounced the same, (iNyoka) and is the word for something here. I just wondered if there was a South African connection? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningGlory Posted October 25, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1,022 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 39,193 Content Per Day: 6.09 Reputation: 9,977 Days Won: 78 Joined: 10/01/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted October 25, 2010 I have a coworker who is like family to me, more a sister than a friend. She is in an abusive marriage, abusive in the emotional, mental and physical realms. Her husband has cheated on her numerous times, constantly treats her like she's going to cheat on him (she's been accused of sleeping w/ other coworkers including me) but the worst part is the physical abuse. The latest episode of physical abuse culminated in her attempting suicide this past week after he choked her and left her bruised up. Myself and others have told her that she should get out of the abusive situation. Her brother has tried to get her to move to another state where he lives even. When the abuse takes place, she'll agree that she needs to get her and her kids (yes, there are kids involved) out of the situation and go where he can't find her. However she will rarely kick him out of the house, she won't leave and in a few days it's all about her saying what a great guy he truly is, he truly didn't mean to hurt her, etc. I finally point blank told her the other day that I was beginning to get afraid I'd be attending her funeral. Even that didn't seem to hit home. I know she's an adult, will do what she wants to do. I consistently pray for her , give her advice when she talks to me, but nothing changes. I've even threatened to wash my hands of the situation, not to talk to her regarding it but I can't do that, it's just my nature. Am I missing something? Any advice? My advice? Don't give up! I DID attend my best friend's funeral after years of her being abused. She was married to just this type of man and she would NOT leave him. He shot her in the heart during an argument on November 24th, 2004 and is serving 30 to life in prison. Nothing the law, or anyone else, could do before her death because she wouldn't press charges against him. Your friend needs help desperately. I will pray for her eyes to be opened to the danger she is in and the very real possibility that her children will grow up to be abusers as well, IF they make it to adulthood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Joyful Posted October 25, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 4 Topic Count: 48 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,901 Content Per Day: 0.35 Reputation: 365 Days Won: 29 Joined: 08/16/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted October 25, 2010 Prayed that your friend removes herself (children?) from this evil injustice. Is she a Christian? I know that many believers suffer this in their home (and it shouldn't be). On the other hand, if she isn't a believer, receiving Christ may empower her and encourage her that she can do this. People who are abused in any form always feel so powerless. Many people also feel that the physical abuse is the worst (every stage is different), but I feel that the emotional abuse is, due to it tearing down the self esteem, and the power to break one where they feel that theres no way out, and that they are what the abuser say is true. And I pray for safety to surround her on every hand, because some times the abuser will hunt and wait for the wife, even going into their jobs to harm or kill them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Praying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgedrw81 Posted October 25, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 7 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,823 Content Per Day: 0.33 Reputation: 36 Days Won: 2 Joined: 04/10/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted October 25, 2010 Some say intervene whilst other say ignore. maybe it somewhere in between. There is only so much we can do as the choice belongs to her. Accpeting Jesus is the same thing. Listen to her when she needs to talk, be there for her if she wants to, tell her about God and Jesus everythime you can, tell her that every tear she has is Jesus' tear and finally pray for her. Praying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isaiah 6:8 Posted October 25, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 426 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 3,633 Content Per Day: 0.58 Reputation: 222 Days Won: 13 Joined: 03/23/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/26/1978 Share Posted October 25, 2010 PRAYING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted October 25, 2010 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 683 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 11,128 Content Per Day: 1.99 Reputation: 1,352 Days Won: 54 Joined: 02/03/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/07/1952 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Some say intervene whilst other say ignore. maybe it somewhere in between. There is only so much we can do as the choice belongs to her. Accpeting Jesus is the same thing. Listen to her when she needs to talk, be there for her if she wants to, tell her about God and Jesus everythime you can, tell her that every tear she has is Jesus' tear and finally pray for her. Praying While I agree the ultimate choice lies with her, it is her life, sometimes people need help to make a choice from others who are outside of the situation. Battered woman syndrome robs one of the choice, sometimes until it is too late. While none of us are experts, I would suggest expert help here. As an aside, abuse in any form, physical or emotional, of man, woman or child (or animal for that matter), incenses me to the point of real anger. I my past life I was a police officer and was called to too many of these cases, usually late at night, and often fueled by alcohol. (not always). The sad thing was, and I did not understand it at the time, was that often we would be in the process of arresting the husband (and in one memorable case the wife), when the wife would turn on us, and I would have this screaming banshee on my back trying to pull me off her husband. (even though she had called us). We always had one officer on the lookout for this covering our backs. I did not understand at the time that this was battered wife syndrome, and all she really wanted was some relief, however short, from the abuse. Then she started having second thoughts about her future, what he would do once he returned, etc. Laws have changed now, and if a wife phones and the case warrants it, he is arrested, no questions, and in some cases the police issue the restraining order. These women need help, and they often can't see it. I must confess that then (before Jesus), the arrest of an abusive husband by me was not "gentle". Blessings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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