The choice not to have children

[Guest man]

Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

[carmely]

I can't have kids. I've wasted 5 years of my life pursuing the dream of having kids- I came to a halt when given the choice of spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on ivf (canadian medical insurance doesn't make artificial reproductive technology covered- it's viewed as a secondary procedure like a tummy tuck or a boob job).

So without divine intervention from the Lord (and trust me, I pray every day) there's no way I can have children.

So do I think you should have kids- I think you shouldn't make that decision until you and your boyfriend are married and have been together long enough to realize what your life together will be like.

[Loboespada]

I've been married 20 years with no kids. We have had the pleasure of relatives or friends children in our home. My wife could not carry a child to term. She decided to have a DNC.

[Guest violets are blue]

You both may feel this way right now, but you both may feel differently in the future, and having a vasectomy is permanent. I think you should give yourselves some time before making this permanent decision. You really just dont know how you both will feel years from now.

[Loboespada]

I know how I feel we say our daughter would be 19 this august. We imagin what life would be like with her in our life. Yes I say daughter because that is what we feel the baby would be. My wife can't have kids it would kill her so we chose to do the DNC.

[winsomebulldog]

God's first COMMANDMENT to human beings was to 'Be fruitful and multiply." He has never rescinded that commandment. If you don't want children together, you have no business marrying.

Whoa.

Bit harsh sounding, to me at least.

I voted other. Children or not is their decision as a couple. The Lord can and sometimes does over rule our decisions, and if that happens I'm sure he'll give the grace to deal with it.

I feel the same as many here. Don't want kids? Don't have them. Leave the door open to your attitudes changing -- they do as we grow older.

[winsomebulldog]

Several years ago in a ladies Bible study group we were discussing an entirely different topic. (Related to how a woman should dress.) There are some in our group that adhere to the skirts/dresses only notion. One of the ladies there, who is a obviously faithful woman with a husband of equal faith, pointed out that she had never once felt any conviction about wearing pants. She said that when God convicted her about it, she'd start wearing only skirts. Until then, she wasn't going to be pushed into something by someone else's conviction. I agreed with her then and still do today.

Perhaps this may come across as flippant, if so I apologize, as I am most certainly not feeling any sense of humor about this. My husband and I have been together for more than 20 years. We have chosen not to have children. (Though I agree that had God wanted it to be otherwise, He would have overridden our choice. I have, in fact, prayed often for Him to help me find His will about this.) I believe my husband would be a wonderful father. I, on the other hand, am simply not mother material. I don't dislike kids. I think they're cute. But I don't have the patience required to raise one. I had a happy childhood with a mother who was everything any child could have wanted. I adored her. She adored me and my sisters. It is because of her that I know I don't have what it takes to be a good mother. I'm too selfish and that's the blatant truth.

All anyone has to do is open their eyes and look around at this sorry world to see countless evidence of people who should never, ever have had children. Just because one is biologically capable of producing offspring does not mean they should do so. Trying to take the God's commandments to Adam and Noah to "be fruitful and multiply" and transfer them to every other human on the planet is just ridiculous.

First: are those of you advocating this saying that the countless couples out there who have hideously abused their own children, often to the point of death, should continue to have children?

Second: Biblically speaking, the only people who should be having any children are those who are married. Are those who choose not to marry, and thus not to procreate, then committing sin? Before you answer that, consider that the Bible also tells us that it's perfectly fine for someone to choose not to marry. I Corinthians 7. You can't have it both ways, either it's our duty to get out there and get married and start having kids, or it's okay for us to stay single and not have kids. My point is, if you're using the "be fruitful and multiply" reasoning, then in order to not be fruitful in a sinful way, we'd all have to be married first. This makes that argument senseless to me since the Bible clearly says there's nothing wrong with staying single.

Third: Even if you skip over my first objection and say that the commandment is logically only given to Christians, who presumably would not cause deliberate pain and harm to their children, then are you saying we all ought to be like the Duggar family, having kids nonstop until we die or they stop coming? (I am NOT condemning the Duggar family. I respect them to no end. I just don't happen to share their convictions when it comes to having children.)

Obviously, we are all entitled to our own opinions. Equally as obvious is the fact that we're here because we like sharing those opinions. Less clear to me is why some of us here come at each other like warriors on a battlefield instead of the brothers and sisters we are supposed to be. Some of you have been awfully harsh in your comments. That's a shame and uncalled for, especially among Christians.

In the end, having children is like every single other aspect of life. It is a personal choice that only God Himself has the right to convict us about. I have had more than one person try to "guilt" me into wanting children. It doesn't work. One of those who has been trying for years to convince me and my husband that we want kids finally figured out recently that we are serious about not having them. I have cancer. I have had treatments that most likely mean I will never be able to conceive even if I wanted to do so. She expected that to devastate me. It didn't. Does it bother me a little? Sure. As others have suggested, my husband and I have always kept our options open, knowing very well that we all change over time and our wants change with us. But anyone who gets in my face and starts trying to preach me into having children will learn very quickly that I am not a pushover. As my friend from church said, when GOD convicts me about something, then I will change it. No man, woman, boy or girl will do so. You can quote verses at me until you're blue in the face. Anyone can take a verse and expound upon their personal interpretation of it. Only God can make me (or anyone else) feel a sense of guilt or shame about something wrong in my life. I feel no guilt or shame for choosing not to have children. I would be a bad mother. Children deserve the best. They are a blessing from God and to give them anything other than the very best would indeed be a sin.

I've rambled a lot to get around to saying that only you, your fiance, and God have any right to share in your ultimate decision. Never let anyone try to shove their own personal doctrine down your throat. That kind of heavy hand is the mark of a person with no sense of love and respect for their fellow believers and if they can't have compassion, love, and courtesy for others, then I have to question their ability to discern the truth of Scripture in the first place.