freeinnocentspirit Posted February 25, 2012 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 20 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 115 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 15 Days Won: 1 Joined: 02/10/2012 Status: Offline Share Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) I've been wondering to post this on here for a while now to really get an opinion about my dilemma. How far would you go to help a friend in need? How much compassion are you willing to show people who are just pushing their problems on to you? I do want to help friends and family when they have been down. I know the saying goes it is better to give then to receive - how do you stop a person from affecting your own life? Well what I am interested to know is how do you maintain a line that you don't allow friends to cross, I have somehow ended up as a support network for 2 friends and I am no trained specialist, I even asked one of them to go speak to a Church minister today. Edited February 25, 2012 by freeinnocentspirit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enoob57 Posted February 25, 2012 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 35 Topic Count: 100 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 41,180 Content Per Day: 7.98 Reputation: 21,456 Days Won: 76 Joined: 03/13/2010 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/27/1957 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I've been wondering to post this on here for a while now to really get an opinion about my dilemma. How far would you go to help a friend in need? How much compassion are you willing to show people who are just pushing their problems on to you? I do want to help friends and family when they have been down. I know the saying goes it is better to give then to receive - how do you stop a person from affecting your own life? Well what I am interested to know is how do you maintain a line that you don't allow friends to cross, I have somehow ended up as a support network for 2 friends and I am no trained specialist, I even asked one of them to go speak to a Church minister today. Are you in a personal relationship with Jesus The Son of God? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeinnocentspirit Posted February 26, 2012 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 20 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 115 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 15 Days Won: 1 Joined: 02/10/2012 Status: Offline Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) I've been wondering to post this on here for a while now to really get an opinion about my dilemma. How far would you go to help a friend in need? How much compassion are you willing to show people who are just pushing their problems on to you? I do want to help friends and family when they have been down. I know the saying goes it is better to give then to receive - how do you stop a person from affecting your own life? Well what I am interested to know is how do you maintain a line that you don't allow friends to cross, I have somehow ended up as a support network for 2 friends and I am no trained specialist, I even asked one of them to go speak to a Church minister today. Are you in a personal relationship with Jesus The Son of God? Maybe I needed to elaborate a little more. I have no problem helping a person out by giving them time and even money or whatever I can. I'm glad to have people around me who will do that extra bit for me too. But I am stuck being taken advantage of now. Long story short the friend I refereed to the Church minister today has decided to end her marriage so I being the nearest friend to live near her said offered her my spare room for as long as she needs it (this was evidently a mistake - I'm actually a school friend of her soon to be ex-husband) as I saw myself as how would I feel in her shoes. So I opened up my doors to her so she can get back on her feet soon. I never intended to be like a surrogate mother to her and its now got to a real childish point where she is going through the divorce proceedings and its not nice hearing negative things all the time. Yet again im moaning on here again - I've gradually become so pessimistic and negative and im seeing faults in others that I never did before. I had a little clash with the husband of a different friend (that i moaned about here as well) and usually I would not have become so annoyed when I know he was suggesting his alpha class to me as goodwill gesture. I know I need to drop hints at encouraging her to find her to find a new place. I just feel evil now for having to do this... I wish I was more able to be compassionate but its now got to the stage where all that messy divorce talk has started to have an impact on me and my own well being. Edited February 26, 2012 by freeinnocentspirit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
He giveth more grace Posted February 26, 2012 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 123 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 2,049 Content Per Day: 0.32 Reputation: 267 Days Won: 9 Joined: 10/22/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted February 26, 2012 I've been wondering to post this on here for a while now to really get an opinion about my dilemma. How far would you go to help a friend in need? How much compassion are you willing to show people who are just pushing their problems on to you? I do want to help friends and family when they have been down. I know the saying goes it is better to give then to receive - how do you stop a person from affecting your own life? Well what I am interested to know is how do you maintain a line that you don't allow friends to cross, I have somehow ended up as a support network for 2 friends and I am no trained specialist, I even asked one of them to go speak to a Church minister today. I am a very loyal friend and would help them as much as I could, but I absolutely do not like to be used, I will give freely, until I discover they are just using me. Being used is one of the things I hate most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebula Posted February 26, 2012 Group: Royal Member Followers: 10 Topic Count: 5,823 Topics Per Day: 0.76 Content Count: 45,870 Content Per Day: 5.95 Reputation: 1,897 Days Won: 83 Joined: 03/22/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/19/1970 Share Posted February 26, 2012 My brother shared with me his lifeguard training. When a person who doesn't know how to swim is thrashing about in the water, it is difficult to rescue them because of their flailing. The danger is that person can pull you under along with them. To rescue them, you have to throw them a something they can grab onto, wait for them to weaken with exhaustion so that they are receptive to you without hurting you, or you have to be stronger and almost violently overpower them (not hitting, but it hurts to be overpowered like that). It sounds as if you are being pulled under by the flailing person. This, unfortunately, isn't helping them. Praying you can find wisdom in how to back away yet throw them a line, or something of that nature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enoob57 Posted February 26, 2012 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 35 Topic Count: 100 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 41,180 Content Per Day: 7.98 Reputation: 21,456 Days Won: 76 Joined: 03/13/2010 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/27/1957 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I've been wondering to post this on here for a while now to really get an opinion about my dilemma. How far would you go to help a friend in need? How much compassion are you willing to show people who are just pushing their problems on to you? I do want to help friends and family when they have been down. I know the saying goes it is better to give then to receive - how do you stop a person from affecting your own life? Well what I am interested to know is how do you maintain a line that you don't allow friends to cross, I have somehow ended up as a support network for 2 friends and I am no trained specialist, I even asked one of them to go speak to a Church minister today. Are you in a personal relationship with Jesus The Son of God? Maybe I needed to elaborate a little more. I have no problem helping a person out by giving them time and even money or whatever I can. I'm glad to have people around me who will do that extra bit for me too. But I am stuck being taken advantage of now. Long story short the friend I refereed to the Church minister today has decided to end her marriage so I being the nearest friend to live near her said offered her my spare room for as long as she needs it (this was evidently a mistake - I'm actually a school friend of her soon to be ex-husband) as I saw myself as how would I feel in her shoes. So I opened up my doors to her so she can get back on her feet soon. I never intended to be like a surrogate mother to her and its now got to a real childish point where she is going through the divorce proceedings and its not nice hearing negative things all the time. Yet again im moaning on here again - I've gradually become so pessimistic and negative and im seeing faults in others that I never did before. I had a little clash with the husband of a different friend (that i moaned about here as well) and usually I would not have become so annoyed when I know he was suggesting his alpha class to me as goodwill gesture. I know I need to drop hints at encouraging her to find her to find a new place. I just feel evil now for having to do this... I wish I was more able to be compassionate but its now got to the stage where all that messy divorce talk has started to have an impact on me and my own well being. Certainly we can understand why God hates divorce! It is messy period... Well my question aside about your relationship with The Lord... I really can't advise because it would be of a Biblical nature and hence my question. I do know it is better to give of yourself as much as you are able because it is an encouragement to build other centered motivations instead of self centered ones... Everyone loves a giver but a taker is soon shopping alone. Love, Steven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeinnocentspirit Posted February 26, 2012 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 20 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 115 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 15 Days Won: 1 Joined: 02/10/2012 Status: Offline Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 Thanks for all the advice, She moved in (so to speak) in late Dec 2011. She decided to leave her husband after Christmas. What I initially found odd was that her own parents had avoided taking her in and she was set to be completely alone at Christmas and new year hence my need to open my doors up. I don't usually offer at all and I think there must have been a reason behind my need to suddenly offer up so much (free board, food and pollution of my environment!). This whole experience has taught me so so much - especially this just goes to show how I don't really know my friends as well as I thought I did. Also its made it abundantly clear just how much I have changed personally and how had I not made massive changes in my life could have become almost her. Truth, I think that you are so right about the parenting aspects. Its interesting how a person (in this case me) can meet so many people on a day to day basis and you will never scratch the surface of that persons real nature or characteristic. She is just too complex for me. My aim of the day is to sit and have the friend now understand its time to move on and get her own place. She made a decision to get divorced and I have some how become like a comfort blanket to her. As you said Monarchy this is a case of being taken advantage of, I was only prompted to post on here because she was spending at whole of the evening on the phone to anyone who will listen to hear her malicious gossip and news about her soon to be ex-husband. Its just a case of me now trying to find a way to get her out into new accommodation swiftly and stress free. I don't plan on ever having to spend my weekends out of my own house to get a bit of peace in my life. Thanks again everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeinnocentspirit Posted February 26, 2012 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 20 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 115 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 15 Days Won: 1 Joined: 02/10/2012 Status: Offline Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) My brother shared with me his lifeguard training. When a person who doesn't know how to swim is thrashing about in the water, it is difficult to rescue them because of their flailing. The danger is that person can pull you under along with them. To rescue them, you have to throw them a something they can grab onto, wait for them to weaken with exhaustion so that they are receptive to you without hurting you, or you have to be stronger and almost violently overpower them (not hitting, but it hurts to be overpowered like that). It sounds as if you are being pulled under by the flailing person. This, unfortunately, isn't helping them. Praying you can find wisdom in how to back away yet throw them a line, or something of that nature. This is really reassuring as I have no other alternative than to leave her to find her own way. See the dilemma was this, I came along and gave her the comfort of being there and now im about to take it all away out of the blue and thought it doesn't make me a great person. But then having her pollute my environment doesn't either. To a degree the thought which keeps crossing my mind is that I don't want to intervene in her life too much and over assist. I think if people kept doing that to me maybe I would not have been blessed to have found faith and to be able to trust in the Lord like I do and believe that it is enough and not need that constant re-assurance from a friend that everything is going to be ok. Edited February 26, 2012 by freeinnocentspirit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evergreenjo Posted March 8, 2012 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 5 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 51 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 9 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/12/2012 Status: Offline Share Posted March 8, 2012 Love means many things but one of them is to say "no" sometimes especially when you can see that doing something is really hindering rather than helping. This happens in relationships where someone begins to take advantage of the other's generosity. Anyway, read through the gospels and you will see many times how the Lord helped others and other times where he went somewhere to be alone or confronted them with the truth. Speaking the truth about your own limitations to a friend is a good thing to do and we call it "speaking the truth" in love. Doesn't mean you are selfish (although it could depending on your own motivations) but usually means you are just wise. Always pray for discernment about whether or what to do or not to do and whether to say anything or not. And guard your heart for out of it come the issues of life as the scriptures say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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