paperflowers Posted April 18, 2005 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 6 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 65 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/17/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/01/1965 Share Posted April 18, 2005 I need those who know first hand to help me here. I have been with a wonderful man for the last two months. He is the father of three boys one being the son of his wife who passed away Christmas day 2003. This weekend he decided to tell me that he needed some time to address some issues he was facing with the death of his wife. He is not as passionate, doesn't connect with me emotionally, and feels unhappy with his self right now. (His reasons) I noticed two weeks ago that he was not as happy when I was around so I began having outings with the boys so that he could have some time with himself. When i would visit I would make sure the boys were outside or in their room so that he could spend time alone. I would read the paper in another room or cook for them. I lend a hand in all areas of his life. From buying groceries, to cleaning the home, or picking up the boys so that he would not have to. Their ages are 5, 7 and 16. The 16 year old has constantly gotten into trouble at home and in school, the 5 year old kicks his classmates and the 7 year old may be held back in first grade. I must be honest and say I took on a lot because I do not have kids of my own. However the rewards have been great in the fact that I have always wanted kids of my own. To not get off track, I need advice as to the timing of our dating and his feelings. This will be the second major relationship for him since her death. The first woman was over 12 hours away. They did not see each other much at all. It was not a long relationship. We have good times together. He told me that we have the ususal couple flaws, in other words things he doesn't care about some things I do and he is sure there are things about him that I don't care for. Outside of that the relationship doesn't hold anything he would like to change. (His words to me) I told him that I would stick this out with him inside of a relationship and he thinks his lack of being 100% there for me is not fair. He wants to be 100% emotionally available to me. We used the situation of an alcoholic. Am I willing to sit and watch him go through all that puts a person thru. I said yes and he said I need to realize it is hard. There are financial issues he is facing and that is not important to me and I told him so. Because of child support to his first wife who lives on the west coast and we live on the east, there is a large child support order. I don't care about his pay check and I have seen it. I came to care for the men, the three boys and him included. I have not been asked to return my key as of yet. He said that he would gather my items there. Books, favorite tea, etc. and bring them to me. As of now we have decided that I will have the boys every other weekend, and that was his idea. That I may call and talk to him at anytime and we can have dinner if we choose. I spent three days out of the week there and on those days...one was getting there before the kids got out of school and picking up the house (cleaning). The other was on Saturday afternoon so that we could spend time together as a family and on Sunday evenings. Things were good and the boys would call me mom when they needed something or by my first name. I asked him how this made him feel and he said they love you and I don't want to change that. It is because of my being around the boys and doing things with them that he doesn't want that to stop. Yes I did ask him about his wanting to date others and he said doing that would not clear his head, so that is not going to happen . So on the first day we have talked three times. Today we have text messaged and I have begun a journal to understand my feelings. I lost my mother one month before he lost his wife so I know first hand the feelings of death. I choose therapy. He choose therapy for his sons. I have suggested that he get therapy for himself. Are there those out there who know how to help and talk to me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonard Posted April 18, 2005 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 115 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 8,281 Content Per Day: 1.12 Reputation: 249 Days Won: 3 Joined: 03/03/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/30/1955 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Have you considered you may have a little streak of codependency of your own to deal with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheya joie Posted April 18, 2005 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 7 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 2,054 Content Per Day: 0.29 Reputation: 351 Days Won: 2 Joined: 03/15/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted April 18, 2005 Two years is not very long still. How she died - whether it was sudden and unexpected, or perhaps a lingering illness - can be a factor in how he is dealing with it. Everyone grieves differently. The boys may be still dealing with her death also. I'm not sure how much help I can be to you, but I am a widow. My husband passed away 3 years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paperflowers Posted April 19, 2005 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 6 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 65 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/17/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/01/1965 Author Share Posted April 19, 2005 You are not being real, it is not a little codependecy. It is codependent period. I am a realist no need to sugar coat any answers coming my way. Of course I see that. generational curses are hard to break. I learned to be dependent as I watched my mother love her husband before she died. It is what it is. Have you considered you may have a little streak of codependency of your own to deal with? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonard Posted April 19, 2005 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 115 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 8,281 Content Per Day: 1.12 Reputation: 249 Days Won: 3 Joined: 03/03/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/30/1955 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Just trying to be tender, my dear! Some folks here tend to think I'm not a nice guy! I'm glad you're aware there's a problem there. We prayed for you this evening in our Evening Prayers (Rite One, of course!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest strike Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Well since you recognize it and know that it is a disease as much as a drug and affects the mind etc. then you know that there are classes and 12 step programs for codependants also. go to them and breakthe cycle. You are headed for a major disaster. Via con Dios strike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paperflowers Posted April 29, 2005 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 6 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 65 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/17/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/01/1965 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 does any one else think that I am headed for a major disaster? A lot of you are reading but not rresponding. Well since you recognize it and know that it is a disease as much as a drug and affects the mind etc. then you know that there are classes and 12 step programs for codependants also. go to them and breakthe cycle. You are headed for a major disaster. Via con Dios strike <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ayin jade Posted April 29, 2005 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 44 Topic Count: 6,178 Topics Per Day: 0.87 Content Count: 43,795 Content Per Day: 6.20 Reputation: 11,243 Days Won: 58 Joined: 01/03/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted April 29, 2005 It sounds like he is cooling his part down, while having you there for the kids. It doesnt sound like he cares for you as you care for him. Yes, I think it doesnt sound good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bro David™ Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Some people assume too much. How does anyone in this forum decide that we know he does not care for you ? Look Paperflowers. He just lost his wife he needs to get over it right ? You love him right ? or is your love just based on how he reciprocates your love ? I think your a genuine lady and a wonderful woman for being so understanding of his feelings. No one knows his heart better than you and him refusing to date others should show you that he is not one to play around. He seems to be pulling away too which shows that he is not someone who does not care for you, why do I think that you ask. Well I am glad you asked. lol If you don't care for someone would you even mind how you use that person or that persons help when you need it ? Your giving yourself and your time so the sentence above should make sense to you if not to others. See how it goes take each day, place your feelings and thoughts in prayer and ultimately know that you are doing what you want to do and not being forced to do it. Love is a funny thing because it is the only thing that needs no watering just like your handle paper flowers. No matter what the Love will still be there. I hope you are blessed and happy in the walk you have chosen with this new family. I also pray that it all works out for you in the end. Dependency is not really a bad thing. I depend on my mother daily to lift my spirits up I depend on the Bible to lead me thru my life. I depend on seeing my two dogs daily so that I know no matter what I still got this two hunks happy to see me every day I come home. God Bless You sister. With Love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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