Dealing with unsupportive family

[LeahK]

Hi Everyone!

My husband and I as well as our three children have become very involved in our new church and are working every day to live better and to be examples for our children. However, my husband's family are always making comments to him about how he "used to not be this way" or he "thinks he's better than everyone now" and it is in front of our kids. It makes me sad and I don't know how to respond. I have spoken up to say that church isn't for perfect people and that them choosing to not be a part of a church and striving to be like Jesus is only robbing them. My husband's father is an alcoholic and my brother-in-law wants nothing more than to make him happy so he is following in his footsteps with the alcohol. They dedicated my nephew in church when he was born but never took him back and it kills me. I always feel like I need to fix everything and I am struggling with how to handle this. Please help.

[GandalfTheWise]

These situations can be challenging.  It can be hard, but choose your battles carefully and be willing to let some things go for the time being.  Chances are that there are a few core issues that are driving everything else and those may go back for many years or decades.  Some battles can be distractions away from what the real problems are.  I've known many Christians in this type of situation.   The most important thing is to have a clear sense of how God wants you to respond.  Ultimately, it will be about what God does in their hearts that causes changes.  I've known some Christians who God has used to work in family members;  I've known many others who've seen family members change when God used someone outside the family to reach out to them.  

In the long run, the attention we pay to our own spiritual growth is what we have control over.  The more we grow spiritually, the better position we will be in to help others.  As fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23) becomes more and more a part of us, we become more capable of ministering to other people.

[Jayne]

I think part of the answer is in your last statement.  "I always feel like I need to fix everything and I am struggling with how to handle this."

Well, as an outsider looking in, of course you are struggling.  You are trying to "fix" things and people and you can't.  Only God can.  I know it hurts you when things are said about your husband and your children hear it and it's natural for you to try and "fix" it all.  Here's why you can't:

• Your FIL knows he's an alcoholic and knows he shouldn't live like this.  He sees his son, your husband, living a physically and spiritually healthier life than him.  He either can't or won't [maybe both] change his own lifestyle and he feels like a bum compared to him - trust me on that.  So to make himself feel better - temporarily - he mocks his own son and in front of his own grandchildren.
• You telling him that he is wrong for not going to church or better if he did doesn't help the matter.  He probably only takes that as more evidence of your family feeling superior - which you are not doing at all. 
• Here's the crux.  You are in mama bear defense mode.  That's normal.  You need to be in prayerful intercession mode for your FIL and his family.  It's just hard as hops to be in both places.  And you know as well as I do that when a person comes off as defensive - even if it is justified - it gives the offending person reason to justify their offensive words.

You didn't say how old your children are.  If they are old enough to understand, explain that grandpa's words don't define who their dad is.  Explain how their dad, taking them to church is a positive and healthy thing and that he does not think he is better than other people.  Tell them that their dad is just following Jesus and they should follow their dad's lead.

Then encourage the whole family - you, your husband, and your kids - to pray together as a nuclear family for your FIL and BIL.  Ask God to melt his heart and deliver him from sin, alcohol, and any feelings that are causing him to act that way.

Then, the next time he slanders your husband, either [a] change the subject or say some like "Oh, [whatever you call him], yes, we go to church and are trying to live better lives.  That doesn't mean we don't love you to the moon and back because we do.  Now, could you pass the butterbeans?"

That's much less defensive.

 

[BK1110]

PRAY PRAY PRAY!

And indeed, stop trying to fix things. There's not a single verse in the Bible that commands us to "fix" people. We are commanded to continue showing God's love to others and praying for their salvation. It is the Holy Spirit and He alone that draws hearts to salvation. It's one of the most freeing things to realize that. When you are challenged, be prepared to give a good answer; continue to explain and show that following Christ and going to church is not thinking you're better than others, but admitting that you're not. Once you've done that, you job is complete, regardless of how much it may seem to have affected the other person. At that point, you just continue to pray, for their salvation, and for the right words to come from God when the opportunity arises again.

[GodPrincess]

Hi, thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear you have toxic in laws. However, bless you for keeping God in your life and your children's lives. That's the best thing you can do as parents. The drinking issue you'll just have to give to God, as it is an undertaking that will distract you from your kids. Don't overwhelm yourself if it won't help you. In the meantime, you and your family press on, continuing to walk your path in God's Light