advice welcomed!

[kiwi]

Hello all,

I feel kind of weird asking for help because I know I don't post as much as others.  I do read, however, and I enjoy the different views each of you bring to the board.  I welcome any comments that any of you have to offer.  Perhaps some of you can relate.  Maybe others of you will have great advice/insight.  Thanks in advance for all of your help!

I have two seperate issues, but they are affecting me in the same way: I am trying to learn what to do/how to deal with my personal reactions.  I know it seems like a "judemental" reactiond on my part and I know we are never to judge.  I just don't know what to do  I haven't verbalized my own opinions to the work issue, but I have verbalized my own opinioin to the relationship issue.

The first issue is work-related:  I am internally fuming because 2 co-workers are taking time off work and not counting it.  A variety of excuses have been made as to why they "can't come in."  They are both my subordinates and I am not in a position to question them.  Examples of time off include 4 weeks' worth of vacation that was never documented from one and 2 weeks' worth from another.  

Where I work, we are alloted a certain amount of vacation time per year.  What they are doing, in fact, is padding their "official" vacation time by not counting when they go on vacation.  It is the same with sick days.  Often, my subordinate will say "I'm taking a personal day"-and again, the day is never documented.  We have an accounts person who is in charge of keeping personnel records as well as financial and I am reminded daily by him as to how neither of them have sent paper work through to document sick days (in the amount of almost a month's worth between them)-just for "sick" days.  

One thing that makes this even harder to "live with" is that I am asked constantly if "I went to church/saw in the bulletin about "such and such," because one subordinate who is taking advantage of days off, attends a mutual church and makes it a point over and over to let me know they are attending church.  

I have people who work in the same place but who are in different departments and they are confiding in me about how they are experiencing work apathy and are frustrated.  The morale of everyone is plummeting.  They, too, are siting the same type of actions (or lack of) in their departments.

I know this is being petty and is not my business.  That's why I'm bringing it to you all:  I feel frustrated and am mad and I feel it is  wrong and because of that, I am being judgemental.  I truly do not know what to do.  any work-dilemma advice?

Second issue:  relationship:

We are all aware of how the internet brings the world at our fingertips.  We also are aware of how many relationships are disolved due to internet relationships.  I have a friend who has "met" a man from England.  She is currently married with 3 children (youngest is 1, oldest is 8).  As many can relate/understand, she is stressed and the internet provides her "personal time" to play games, chat, and have an escape from reality for evening hours every day.  The old "we didn't mean for it to happen/it just did" speech is given.  They are in love, she is not going to divorce her husband/won't give up her children (she tells me this).  Regardless, the facts are this:  he is coming to visit her this spring.  He is divorced and single.  She is is currently planning where and when they can meet.  He has set dates/airline tickets and hotel reservations-this is happening.  They are not going to have personal relations (that is "not right" she says) and they will have to steal time together whenever they can.  She has invited him to attend church with her/although they will not sit next to each other (her husband doesn't attend church, so no 'danger' there,  and she doesn't want her older children seeing her English love).  She's expecting to have the one year old with them most of the time they are together (they will have a total of 6 days visit opportiunities, although it may be for only a few hours a day, depending on her husband's work schedule).

I am reminded how "they didn't mean for it to happen" and how they are "so in love" and how she "loves both her husband and her new English love" and how she is still a "church goer".....I don't see how people can pursue those who are not available-can any of you?

Again, this is non of my business. I kjnow that.  I am coming to the board to get some kind of feedback-maybe just to release this "out there" so I don't have to carry it around.  I feel better just typing it all out.

I have verbalized to my friend that I feel it is wrong and that this visit is only going to make matters worse.  I have told her that at least (trying to look on the positive side) they will "know" if this "love" is "real" or if there lacks any real-life chemistry between them.

I certainly am not perfect in any way.  I am not claiming to be.  I am internalizing both of these issues and I have been praying about it.  I have been praying for ME to be given strength to "let it go" because it is NOT my business and I have been praying for others so that they would have a concsience.

Any comments?

Thanks again for any and all sharing.  I apologize for it being so long.

Thanks!  

kiwi

[George]

Wow Kiwi -- when you make a post it's like a fireworks display on Independence day!

[Catsmeow]

Hi, Kiwi...read your post and couldn't resist adding what struck me right off. The co-worker who "reminds" you that he/she's going to the same church sounds like they are manipulative - using Church affiliation as a networking tool.

When we have the Holy Spirit and begin to take advantage of our employers, He {the Holy Spirit} begins to convict us that taking advantage of an employer and failing to report time-off is tantamount to stealing from the employer.

I would be honest with your co-worker and in conversation mention to them that taking unreported time off from work is stealing in God's eyes. I would certainly bring it to the Lord's attention and ask Him to intervene and speak to the person's heart...the fellow church-goer and convict them of their sin.

One the second part, George is absolutely right... your friend is committing adultery in her heart. That's a tragic thing for her and her poor husband, if he ever found out.

How can she love her husband and betray him? Love would not do such a thing. I would say prayer is the only thing that will help her. She needs to feel convicted of this in her heart. If she goes along with this scheme, it will only bring greater ruin to her life and to her family.

[traveller]

Hi Kiwi! George pretty much covered the second problem - which should be taken very seriously.  I'm going to try on the 1st one.

This is something I have to deal with at work. one of my job functions is human resources. We have this problem and so does most everyone I've talked with at all of my conventions. There is always someone that takes advantage of the system, and gets away with it. However, it will eventually catch up with them.

I don't know enough about the situation to be real specific, however, what about the "higher ups? " Are you sure that they have no idea? Where I work, I am more aware of the comings and goings than people think. And I have a real good memory when the subject of raises come up. I don't give the raises, but i have a say so with the other supervisors. It's a bad situation when the other employees aware because, like you say, it really causes a morale problem. A solution is time cards, even for the salaried employees. That way you have proof that someone was/wasn't at work. Many companies do that, for the very reason here. It solves a lot of accounting problems, and is documentation for many other potential problems. You could send an anonymous suggestion to management, possibly indicating why without naming names, and let it take it's course.

[Timothy]

Hi Kiwi,

I believe you're concerns are justified in both situations.

I am a Christian and a business owner. Employees who "steal" from the company hurt everyone in the company. Stealing time is no different than stealing money from a cash register, and in fact, costs the company more in the long run. Every employee ends up bearing the burden of their thievery, either financially or through increased workload.

Ephesians 4:28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.

I am also a husband of 24 years. It requires devotion and sacrifice to sustain a relationship. When one or both no longer consider it worth the effort, the relationship will not survive. If one or both begin to look to their own needs or desires above the other's, the relationship will not survive. If one or both become "relationship accountants", evaluating their net return on investment (what they get out of a relationship as opposed to what they put into it), the relationship will not survive. One chooses either selflessness or selfishness. I suspect this woman has chosen her own interests over that of her family's.

[Star]

Everyone is giving such great advice.

[kiwi]

Thanks to each of you: I will attempt to address what you each have said in order of response (if I can figure this out!) lol

First, I have to admit that the rest of my day (since posting this morning) has gone much, much better--I have felt WAY calmer and I think it's due to the fact that I had a place to 'unload'...I really don't have anyone I can vent to without rocking the boat, so to speak, and I appreciate this opportunity!

George:  CRACK ME UP!! I guess I did have an "explosive" amount of stuff to unload, huh? I'll have to consider the anonymous letter-I'm not sure where to direct such a letter, but I'll consider it.  Yes, I am in a "gov't job" which I'm learning has its own set of 'rules'...

I like the term "infactuation" and even though I've been aware of this situation since before Christmas, I haven't ever used that term to her before.  I will "throw that out there" and see what response there is.  I pray before I even begin talking with her-for God to give me strength.  I know she respects what I say-she listens...she may not always agree/but I am honest and to-the-point about things.  Obviously, she keeps coming back to me for "advice" for some reason (obviously God sees fit she does!!).  Thanks for your input!

Catsmeow:  Thank you for your response!  I never thought of the church-mentioning as a form of manipulation.  I also liked the term "convict" from God.  At first, I thought it was "condemn" which I thought was not my intent..I hate to admit I had to look up the word just now to realize CONVICT would mean God would make them see they are wrong.  (learn something new every day-thanks!) I'm embarrassed, but I haven't looked at "convict" in that way before.  Thanks for the lesson!

I agree wholeheartedly with you and this is a major "flag" for me: How can she still love her husband, yet, make plans with a man from another country to "sneak away"?  doesn't make common sense to me.  Thanks for verifying (all of you) that I'm not so confused after all.

Traveller:

You've made valid points about the job situation.  "Funny" you should ask about "higher ups"...there's only one who is "higher up" and he did a "sweep" yesterday morning early to see who was at work (or so it seemed).  Unfortunately, I was at an off-site meeting, so I'm hoping he doesn't assume *I* wasn't working either just because I am in the same department as the "slackers."  Thanks for your input!

Timothy:

I used to be a business owner too...and I am definitely not cut from the same cloth as most of the people I work with (as far as work ethics is concerned).  I worked constantly and I still believe you need to work if you are getting paid.  The LEAST one can do is SHOW up for work if there is a "down time" work-wise.  There is always "something" you can find to do-no matter what it is.

I have repeated the same type of words you've used here as far as relationships are concerned.  I have been married 17 years and it DOES take work.  It takes a type of work and devotion that some are not willing to put in.  At the same time, I do understand that it goes way beyond "work" and "desire."  There has to be mutual respect and sometimes, that is not present.  I've tried to word things to where my friend figures stuff out for herself and draws her own conclusions.  I will be glad when the "big trip" is over.  I'll have to fill all of you in (if you like) about the outcome.

Star:

I agree with you.  I think she IS fooling herself if she thinks nothing will happen.  I guess that's the point: if she is "so in love" then, how is she ever going to keep from acting on her feelings when she sees him in real life?"

I am not sure WHAT the purpose is of meeting.  I didn't quite finish my thought this morning:  since this is a "done deal" as far as plans/reservations and he is coming from England, I told her she'll see once and for all how he really is.  I am hoping (and have told her so) that I hope there is NO chemistry and that she realizes once and for all that this was a fleeting experience-one that will make her take note as to why she feels the need to reach beyond her own husband to fill some "need"-whatever that need is.

Thanks to all of you.  I appreciate your responses.  This "internet" stuff is real-very.  I am praying that they realize what a huge mistake it was meeting:  everyone is "perfect" and what the other wants them to be online (let's face it-when you don't live with someone, of COURSE they are "perfect") HA!!   Thanks to all and God bless!!

:biggrin:  :biggrin:

[Guest shadow2b]

Thanks to each of you: I will attempt to address what you each have said in order of response (if I can figure this out!) lol

First, I have to admit that the rest of my day (since posting this morning) has gone much, much better--I have felt WAY calmer and I think it's due to the fact that I had a place to 'unload'...I really don't have anyone I can vent to without rocking the boat, so to speak, and I appreciate this opportunity!

George:

[kiwi]

Shadow....nice post, especially on this  :inlove:  weekend  

I beg to differ with you:  sounds like you and Patsy do have love, commitment, honor, respect for each other (you're just too modest)     But whatever you call it/whatever makes your relationship work, may God contine to bless you both!   :biggrin:

[Guest shadow2b]

Shadow....nice post, especially on this