Recovering from being hurt by the Church

[LadyRaven]

In the end it matters not to me if people accept me, if they agree with my theology or if they accept my personality and temperament. God has accepted me, God loves me, Jesus died for me, Jesus called me before the world existed 2Tim1:9. I'd like to have friends, I'll always act worthy of having friends...but if I don't...I'll live. Same thing goes with being accepted at church. the only time I will separate from a church is when I cannot go along eith the doctrine in peace and must leave lest I cause a schism.

From what I understand of what you said, I think I pretty much agree with most everything you stated here. You bring up an excellent point about God's involvement in our lives - either he has a plan for our lives and allows junk to happen as part of his ultimate plan and purpose or else he just doesn't care and he just lets bad stuff happen to us, or else he is somehow powerless to act on our behalf. I struggled with that for many years. I think I finally came to grips with this in entirety back in 2002 while going through a time of personal revival. I asked the Lord to show me who I needed to forgive, and I forgave those people, but I still felt there was someone I needed to forgive, so I asked him for a name. The name he gave me was "Jesus." Now, Jesus obviously does not need to be forgiven for anything, but what it revealed to me in my heart was an unforgiving heart toward Jesus because of all the bad stuff he allowed in my life. When we respond to our circumstances with a feeling of unfairness, then we are basically telling God he wasn't watching; he was not noticing; he didn't care. So, when we get bitter, it is because we feel God let us down, though we might not verbalize that or even consciously realize that.

I did not always respond correctly to my circumstances. I had a breaking point at which I just gave up, because I didn't understand that God was in control. And, even though I had been back serving him for awhile, still there was an underlying hurt deep inside me because, whether I recognized it or not, I believed that God had somehow done to me what my mother did. He did not protect me from hurt. In fact, he allowed this hurt to come into my life. So, right there and then I forgave Jesus for not protecting me from all that hurt and I surrendered to his Sovereignty over my life. Then, the peace came. Then I truly understood that he was there all the time, that he never left me, and that everything that happened in my life was by his divine purpose to make me into the person he wanted me to be. And, I knew his love and grace like I had never known it before. There is such freedom in understanding the Sovereignty of God and his involvement in our personal lives. I would much rather know that he allowed everything for some divine purpose in my life than to feel that he just stood idly by and watched it happen and was powerless or did not care to intervene on my behalf.

I noticed that you made no mention of church abuse in your life. And, then you stated that you would never leave a church except for doctrinal issues. I mean this will all due respect, but you mentioned you have an X-husband. I don't know who left whom, but I wonder if perhaps you separated from him due to the abuse. Would that be a correct statement? Would you have continued to be married to him and allowed him to continue to abuse you? Do you feel that is the right thing to do? Maybe it was his choice and you would have remained, I don't know. But, let's just say for the sake of argument that you left him because of the abuse. This is a relationship about which the Bible states "the two shall become one flesh," and "what God has joined together let no man put asunder" or something like that. Marriage is an example of our relationship with Christ. But, I know of nowhere in scripture that we are held to such a high standard of faithfulness in relationships as we are to our relationship with our Lord and with our spouse. I can join to this body as well as to that body, and if I have my choice, I would prefer a body that did not mistreat me. I'm still part of the body. I'm just joining myself to a healthy body instead of an unhealthy one. God commands us to take care of his temple, and I believe that means emotionally, spiritually and physically (I could do better on this one). I know you were just offering your opinion, and again I mean no disrespect to your situation, but I hoped maybe this illustration might help you to understand why people who have been abused by churches leave those churches. Of course, you are free to do whatever your conscience allows you to do.

I left him. It wasn't because of the emotional and mental abuse, it was due to adultery and because the day he confessed that he also said he wasn't a believer....

He and I never should have married, we married cause we sinned and got preggers. I wanted to move home but he was afraid his family would disown him and said he loved me and begged me for two weeks straight. From about the second yr of our marriage I suspected infidelity but could never prove it. He was also into porn and we went through all the "addiction" processes available, but he never wanted to stop. He was in the military and he was being sent to Korea. We'd been in marriage counseling, things would be good and then awful and then good and then awful. I'd about reached the end of my rope and I prayed that God would either fix things while we were apart, or give me clear biblical sanction to leave him and break it so badly it could never be fixed. He not only cheated, but fell in love and got her pregnant....

The answer was really what I wanted but had felt up to that point I had no biblical sanction to do.

As far as churches go, no there has been no abuse that I can name. I've been isolated at churches before, not accepted, but not abused. It is no different to me than any other point in my life, I've had a history of rejection more than abuse (Yes there was the sexual abuse and the alcholic father the abusive ex husband...but those were three people out of my whole contact with the human race). I'm not as perky as many people are, i"m the tortured artist type by nature, the environment of course magnified it, but it was there from the beginning... I've always been a glass half empty person. In the throes of everybody hates me it was the glass is half empty and what is in there is poisoned... NOw it's the glass is half empty and that's the way it should be cause that is what's best for me right now....

Anyway, since I didn't conform, most people didn't think they could or should connect with me. I was lucky to have one friend in my time at each place I've lived (my father was military, I've lived many places) and then only after years of being alone. and then I'd have to leave. I wasn't much for making connections easily, and of course I've always been a nonconformist so I suppose I got laughed at. I got laughed at because of my accent (which was the accent from whereever I'd lived the place before this last one), because of my clothes (I was slightly...er...victorian...or ethereal...or gypsy... before I knew that this was considered "gothic" by anyone...I didn't listen to secular music so it's not like I had any idea....) or because it was easy to make me cry. I don't consider this abuse as much as rejection.

Some of the few places I've been accepted have been in good churches, I could name about four of them in my history also out of over 20. In church, all it really was was people didn't know how to take me when I got older, so I had no close ties. Nobody kept their kids from me, nobody gossiped other than, man her clothes are strange but she sure knows alot about doctrine and philosophy..., but I didn't get asked out to lunch after worship either. I wasn't asked to be on anything, when I did join something nobody talked to me before or afterwards other than the necessary formalities. It's just how it was and perhaps my nonforward nature made it easy for them to do that cause I didn't leave myself open really either. This hurt, but but putting myself out there and being actively rejected hurt more. Know what I mean?

When I said I would only separate it was in regards to whether people accepted me or not, not in regards to whether they abused me. I'm sorry you misunderstood that, but to me outright church abuse springs from bad doctrine and bad application of good doctrine or something like that, or at least that is the way I'd most likely look at it if it ever started happening to me... I've never been pressured to stay in a church due to anything they've done for me, I've never been pressured to take anything the pastor said as the same authority as God, I've never been disciplined for something I've not done, I've never had scripture twisted to make me sin or to make me look like more of a sinner than I really am. In the few really good churches I've been in, I've had men of God teach me what to expect of the body and what to run from. Evidently it's not uncommon or I wouldn't have been told the same sorts of things by Presbys, Baptists, Hebrew Christians, Lutherans and Catholics.

Sometimes though people feel rejected, and they shouldn't be, but at the same time, if they believe the doctrine and sit well with everything else but the people, sometimes they should exercise their right to be in the pews regardless of what people think. Again I don't put rejection as the same as abuse, just like neglect is not abuse, its all evil but it's not the same. Softer hearted people might not want to take my approach, at one time I would not have taken this approach either. I certainly wouldn't have back when I was dogged by rejection. But if I had, I believe it would have been well within my rights as a child of God.

[Quizzy]

Hello, I sure hope I'm not repeating anything here, but I think perhaps we have all had a little trouble in this area. I just wanted to respond to your suggestion of a support group. I honestly think that you may be bombarded with interested people, unfortunately. I think there are very KEY guidelines, though, that must be well thought out before you begin. It should not be a group that gets together to focus on negative things that have happened in the church. The focus should be very positive, encouraging and healing through a person's own feelings, not what the church did to them. I would suggest that people with particular gifts in this support group, that (if actions or teaching in a church are not scripturally based) can lovingly approach the church with the discrepancy. If a church is way off base in its interpretation of scripture, we cannot be silent and move to another church, we should be standing up and promoting God's truth. I don't know how many people I've come across in the last 10 years that have told me stories that would curl your toes. This was not what the church was meant to be. I also know that out of the support group, many wonderful new initiatives may come out of it. We never know where the Holy Spirit will lead us!! I would like to emphasize though, that it should not become a support group that meets just to aire all the churches baggage, maybe have a qualified and experienced moderator to get past the issues and deal with the hurt.

IMHO,

Quizzy

[followerofjesus]

This is a trial for you. Its good for you to mature as a christian in this . Some churches will fleece the flock. This reveals a learning that we cannot depend on man or religion but Gods will alone. This could be a positive. There are many people who submit to the will of a preacher or church & when the trust is broken their faith suffers.

[Christ's Free Servant]

When I said I would only separate it was in regards to whether people accepted me or not, not in regards to whether they abused me. I'm sorry you misunderstood that, but to me outright church abuse springs from bad doctrine and bad application of good doctrine or something like that, or at least that is the way I'd most likely look at it if it ever started happening to me... I've never been pressured to stay in a church due to anything they've done for me, I've never been pressured to take anything the pastor said as the same authority as God, I've never been disciplined for something I've not done, I've never had scripture twisted to make me sin or to make me look like more of a sinner than I really am. In the few really good churches I've been in, I've had men of God teach me what to expect of the body and what to run from. Evidently it's not uncommon or I wouldn't have been told the same sorts of things by Presbys, Baptists, Hebrew Christians, Lutherans and Catholics.

LadyRaven,

Thanks so much for these thoughts. I'm glad you received my comments in the spirit they were offered. And, I'm glad, too, that you have not had to endure the things you mentioned above. I had a father like yours, my husband and I had issues, too, from time to time, but it has worked out well, but I also experienced abuse from church leaders for most of my life as you described above. But, God was in all and he truly did work all these things out for good in my life. Praise HIM! And, understanding that there was purpose in it all is what finally allowed me to let all the hurt go. Thanks again so much for your comments on that subject of God's Sovereignty. I was blessed!

[LadyRaven]

When I said I would only separate it was in regards to whether people accepted me or not, not in regards to whether they abused me. I'm sorry you misunderstood that, but to me outright church abuse springs from bad doctrine and bad application of good doctrine or something like that, or at least that is the way I'd most likely look at it if it ever started happening to me... I've never been pressured to stay in a church due to anything they've done for me, I've never been pressured to take anything the pastor said as the same authority as God, I've never been disciplined for something I've not done, I've never had scripture twisted to make me sin or to make me look like more of a sinner than I really am. In the few really good churches I've been in, I've had men of God teach me what to expect of the body and what to run from. Evidently it's not uncommon or I wouldn't have been told the same sorts of things by Presbys, Baptists, Hebrew Christians, Lutherans and Catholics.

LadyRaven,

Thanks so much for these thoughts. I'm glad you received my comments in the spirit they were offered. And, I'm glad, too, that you have not had to endure the things you mentioned above. I had a father like yours, my husband and I had issues, too, from time to time, but it has worked out well, but I also experienced abuse from church leaders for most of my life as you described above. But, God was in all and he truly did work all these things out for good in my life. Praise HIM! And, understanding that there was purpose in it all is what finally allowed me to let all the hurt go. Thanks again so much for your comments on that subject of God's Sovereignty. I was blessed!

I'm glad that anything I said blessed you. My talents in ministry and comfort tend more toward the outcast rather than the abused of any sort. Yeah I can relate in one sense, but my responses are not always so helpful. This is because my abuses either stopped before I realised how poisonous they were or due to me standing up and going toe to toe with them. In a sense my marriage ended because of that. i think when he went to Korea he didn't want to end up alone, so he found a replacement before allowing the marriage to go bad. each time, after about 6 yr of it, that he started getting abusive I had over the top reactions to it which basically let him know I wasn't going to take it anymore.

I've never been in a place where I've decided to "flee" abuse and then had to heal from it. Healing from my abuses tend to be linked more with healing from rejections, as an add on so to speak. I feel that in a way I may be "bad medicine" for an abused person to take. I'm glad that instead of this I was encouraging...

[Christ's Free Servant]

I'm glad that instead of this I was encouraging...

Me, too!!

[apothanein kerdos]

I have been a Christian for over 8 years now. I'm 42. I have a wife and 2 children, all saved.

I'm writing at this site to explain that I have been so profoundly hurt by the people at the church I used to attend that my wife has commented that we would only attend another church to be abused..in other words, she has no interest in church.

I applaud those who have found a loving home in church and feel loved. i am one of those unfortunates that are not wanted inside the walls of a church.

In no uncertain terms, through neglect and aggressive actions and words, I am no longer welcome at the church I once attended. The details are long and hoary. I'm more than happy to answer any questions about the specifics. Gossip and calumniation lead many people to condemn those who leave the church due to a sense that they no longer are wanted.

Also, because our city has a "ministerial," my family (and others) are blacklisted and suffer ostracizing from the moment we enter a church. I have several examples of this behaviour that has caused some to give up believing altogether.

The leadership of the church I once attended follow the ideal of "elegant dialectic," a way to "cleanse" the church of those not 150% behind every move of leadership, tithing over 10% and basically 100% subservient to every whim of the pastor. This abusive method of showing a person the door aggressively has resulted in the youth pastor, the worship team pastor and over 70 additional people in a 150 person church to leave (only to be replaced by "desirables"). This type of "shaking" has occurred sevferal times in the past, destroying previous pastors and their families, families that attended dutifully and youth that now have few options in our city.

HERE'S THE POINT: I am looking at starting a recovery group to help heal the wounds of those who had been hurt by the church. Does anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone been involved in healing from such wounds?

I appreciate your answers.

In Christ,

"FailedChristian"

I think it is an excellent idea and I sympathize with your situation. Not to boast in my own affliction, but I have yet to hear a church story that compares with the one I am still enduring...so I do understand your plight.

I would highly suggest that when you get the group together you go through some of the works of Schaeffer. I would begin with "True Spirituality" that discusses the individual believer, then "Death in the City" that discusses the purpose of the church in a fallen culture, and then "No Little People" which gives us the attitude we should have as Christians. From this, move into other books.

The reason I advocate this is so that the support group does not turn into a complaint group where people just go, "Woe is me" but instead seek answers. The books provide insight into how the Christian and Church are to respond in today's world.

[Guest truepurpose]

This forum has really helped me in many ways. I have encountered years of abuse in the church, but each time I have wanted to leave and a Word was sent through a message of preaching or someone to "stay" and not leave.

Once there is a problem with you, the entire church finds out about it through it spreading around or in the sermon. I have even heard in the sermon....."you are in someone else's place", "you need to leave", "we don't need you", "you mess with me and I will put you out", and for some reason, it seems that God has not given the release to leave.

The strange thing is, the church seems good and the teachings seem good, but it is very low on love sometimes. I am in a situation right now and I want to leave badly, but it seems that God is wanting me to stay.

I am just tired now....I can take one or two times of serious abuse....but years? I am just tired and want to go now.

any advice?

[billie]

If God's telling you to stay, it must be for a reason. Maybe He wants you to be the one to bring in that loving attitude that's missing?

[Candi770]

truepurpose,

Are you an intercessor (I know we are all called to interceed for one another) but does God call you into intense time of prayer for issues or people. Sometimes you may be sent to pray over the situation.

Yes, I've been in a non-loving church for a season-and I could feel it< I didn't know that the church was on the brink of a split when I entered the church. Knowing what I know now, I would have been interceeding about it. But I could "feel" it in the atmosphere (discern) and

it effected me. But God still blessed my time there and I found a friend for a season. But also when I was in this church, I was Spiritually dieing to self concerning unmet needs. I literally was on the alter. I went to this church after a season of being used by God in ministry to not being recognized or cared about. I truely learned that we should love one another. He also taught me outside church setting about rejection etc, that it doesn't matter

what people think about us-Only what the Lord thinks about us. He put me in the path of Loving people. But when I was released, I was so glad to get out of there. But just as soon as I got into the next church- the next assignment started. I was praying over that particular Pastor and His Wife. The Lord showed me alot about life-concerning my job and everything.

I couldn't understand why it seemed that doors were shut for me-in ministry. Then in the job and everywhere else-doors were shutting- it was time to move out of state. It was so awesome. But looking back on those 7 years- I felt like I was in the dessert. Dry and always thirsty. The Lord had taken me out of a church that had highly exalted the man of God- who was quite wonderful and had shown me that these were mere men that he is using. That God can speak to me in may different ways and not to hold anyone in such an exalted position.

I learned to keep my eyes off people, position and status-and place my focus on Jesus alone. He will exalt me if he decides or he will lower me if he decides=what ever the situation or area he plants us in we need to grow and be content.

If the devil knows that we are a threat to the kingdom of darkness-when we are in church-where the power of God is needed to correct issues in the spirit realm-the devil will fight more to keep us out. If he knows that we are fearful of rejection-he will set us up accordingly. We must stand our ground and wage war on the true enemy of the church=the devil!!! We must take more Ground for the kingdom of God.

You could fast and pray to see what the Lord wants from you in this particular issue.

I've had the Lord show me that issues that I am facing are mere distractions from what he really wants me to be doing- praying!!! Sometimes, this dumb sheep has a lightbulb that the true shepherd turns on in my head-and I have one of those-oh yeah-thats why I'm here, moments.

Don't give up or give in. The Lord showed me that if I was to give in on other issues that the same enemy would continue to pursue me until I took the stand against it and defeated it (naturally in the spirit realm).

Blessings on this journey; your not alone- your shepherd Jesus is watching;

candi