Marnie Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 811 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 7,338 Content Per Day: 1.08 Reputation: 76 Days Won: 2 Joined: 10/06/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, after a big argument with my pastors, my mom calls me today (who hates my pastors) and I didn't want to tell her what was wrong and she told me that I was being disloyal and being unfair by holding back from her.... but I felt guilty...I don't want to tell her stuff like that...but if I don't then I feel bad..what should I do?? Tina, first of all, you had no business telling your mother anything. I think at your age it's time to put some distance between you and your parents. Your mother was way, way out of line. You are not obligated to share your business with your mother; you are grown up, you are an adult and you have a husband. Start acting more like his wife and less like your mother's dependent daughter. You felt guilty for no reason, you allowed your mother to intimidate you and you should let that happen again. You'll never grow into your own person if keep allowing this to happen. You do not have to allow your mother, or anybody for that matter, to treat you like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EricH Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 366 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 10,933 Content Per Day: 1.57 Reputation: 212 Days Won: 1 Joined: 04/21/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted June 19, 2007 Moved from the General Discussion Forum to the Looking for Advice Forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PamD Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 11 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 402 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/03/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/22/1959 Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, after a big argument with my pastors, my mom calls me today (who hates my pastors) and I didn't want to tell her what was wrong and she told me that I was being disloyal and being unfair by holding back from her.... but I felt guilty...I don't want to tell her stuff like that...but if I don't then I feel bad..what should I do?? Shalom Sister, #1. Are you married? If you are, you are under your husband's spiritual authority, not your mom's. You have left your mom and dad and have joined with your husband. Speak to him about what you should do. #2. Is your mom a Believer and does she go to that church? #3. Is this true guilt or a guilt-trip? Examine the situation from the Biblical perspective of not adding to your mother's disdain for your pastors. Not carrying gossip. Not being made to feel guilty for something that is not a sin. I agree with Vickilynn's questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedeemedByHim Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 63 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,157 Content Per Day: 0.18 Reputation: 9 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/24/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/25/1982 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 hi all... I don't know where she is spiritually she also is mad because I won't tell her the details. I did tell her that I got into an argument with friends and said some things I regret... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedeemedByHim Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 63 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,157 Content Per Day: 0.18 Reputation: 9 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/24/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/25/1982 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, after a big argument with my pastors, my mom calls me today (who hates my pastors) and I didn't want to tell her what was wrong and she told me that I was being disloyal and being unfair by holding back from her.... but I felt guilty...I don't want to tell her stuff like that...but if I don't then I feel bad..what should I do?? Tina, first of all, you had no business telling your mother anything. I think at your age it's time to put some distance between you and your parents. Your mother was way, way out of line. You are not obligated to share your business with your mother; you are grown up, you are an adult and you have a husband. Start acting more like his wife and less like your mother's dependent daughter. You felt guilty for no reason, you allowed your mother to intimidate you and you should let that happen again. You'll never grow into your own person if keep allowing this to happen. You do not have to allow your mother, or anybody for that matter, to treat you like that. thanks marnie... my mother does tend to be very controlling and I have always felt a need growing up to do what she wanted just to get her approval...You are right...it is time to put some distance between us...that has also been the hard thing because then she calls me and hounds me as to why I haven't called or anything lately... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bondservantofchrist Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 0 Topics Per Day: 0 Content Count: 11 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/15/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, after a big argument with my pastors, my mom calls me today (who hates my pastors) and I didn't want to tell her what was wrong and she told me that I was being disloyal and being unfair by holding back from her.... but I felt guilty...I don't want to tell her stuff like that...but if I don't then I feel bad..what should I do?? Hi Yahwehsdaughter You need wisdom and discernment in this matter because her motive for wanting to know may be well disquised as concern for you. I have trusted people before who seemed to be concerned only to have what I said used as the arrows for their bow. None of their concern resulted in any kind of help or encouragement but instead to much sorrow and heartache for far more people than were originally involved. These kinds of things tend to spiral out of control very quickly. Our first reaction when we are hurt is to tell someone else so that we can be comforted. At any rate, calling you disloyal and unfair sounds like the accuser to me instead of the comforter and is earthly, demonic, sensual wisdom in the form of manipulation for self-interest. If she uses anything you share with her as ammunition, she stumbles and possibly causes others to stumble, particularly if she is looking for justification for her hatred. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
None Posted June 19, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 39 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,513 Content Per Day: 0.24 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/05/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/01/1908 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Well put, bsoc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningGlory Posted June 20, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1,022 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 39,193 Content Per Day: 6.10 Reputation: 9,977 Days Won: 78 Joined: 10/01/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted June 20, 2007 would you tell your mom what is going on in your personal life even though it may open the door for her to put your pastors (who took you off the streets) down...or would you risk making your mom mad by not telling her?? You should not tell her. Talking to your mother about your problem with your pastors is akin to gossip. Gossip is talking to someone about a situation that they are not involved in or the solution to. If she is not involved in the situation or part of the solution, you should not talk to her about it. Also, it is not wise to give your mother "ammunition" to further dislike your pastors. Just tell her that you had a disagreement with someone but you are able to, with the Lord's help, handle it. Blessings, Bib I agree. If you're an adult, and married, you should handle your own problems. Mom doesn't have a 'right' to know everything that goes on with you and you should talk to the pastors, and your husband, first. Don't worry about Mom being mad; they have a way of getting over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 thanks marnie... my mother does tend to be very controlling and I have always felt a need growing up to do what she wanted just to get her approval...You are right...it is time to put some distance between us...that has also been the hard thing because then she calls me and hounds me as to why I haven't called or anything lately... First thing: Pray with your husband for wisdom in how exactly the Lord would have you go about putting the necessary distance between you and your mother. "Where 2 or more are gathered in My name....." Listen to what the Lord tells you. Once you come to your decision -- do not back down for anything! I've had to deal with controlling people in my own life, and they usually will get 14 kinds of upset at first -- because you have decided to have limits in your life that you are not going to cross. This is where all the prayer comes in. I went through this with my sister and it was tough at first, then she finally got the message that there were places she couldn't go any more. She pushed at the limits and by God's grace I was able to stand firm. We still have a relationship all these years later, but there's no more controlling, guilt trips, head games or any of that. Our relationship is actually better after all that than it was before. For mom's calling and hounding you: Get a Caller ID box and don't answer, or let it go to voice mail a few times. Do not allow yourself to be "hounded". It's your life and your schedule. If she starts hounding when you answer, don't allow it and be willing to hang up if you have to. I had to hang up -- and unplug the phone on several occasions with my sister. Had to let her stew for a few days more than once also. The longest was 3 days. She got the message after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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