Smalcald Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 32 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 5,258 Content Per Day: 0.76 Reputation: 42 Days Won: 3 Joined: 06/16/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/22/1960 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I think from a biblical perspective, first you can and must protect yourself and your children, which means leaving the home. Beyond that to proceed from a biblical divorce I would look to the passages concerning marriage to an unbeliever, where some options I think are granted for a divorce. No person who is an abuser can also be a believer, regardless of what they claim. Are you sure that a believer cannot be an abuser? Not too sure about that one, as we all are still capable of sin.... Yes, but the bible says that no murderer has faith nor does he have the Holy Spirit, and thus is dead. Now he may repent and be regenerated, but look to Galatians, look to Corinthians, it says that people who are actively practicing these things, and violent abuse is one of those things will not inherit the Kingdom of God, thus for all of their protestations they do not have faith in Christ. Saying you have faith is not faith, believing you believe; does not mean you have true faith which will by definition result in a certain way of life, a way of life that does not include violently abusing those you claim to love. Anyway I think that abuse is biblical grounds to let the unbelieving abuser leave the marriage as Paul instructs us that we are allowed to do if they cannot live together, which if he is beating his wife, they obviously cannot live together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Biblicist Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Does the Bible talk about physical abuse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kari21 Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 140 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 1,846 Content Per Day: 0.29 Reputation: 10 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/04/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/05/1987 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 Biblically speaking. . . Biblical counseling should be the FIRST step. Find a pastor who will biblically counsel you and your spouse on this matter. If the counselor does not invite the Holy Spirit [our own personal counselor] into the sessions, leave and find another. I thank-you, but again, I'm not married - have never been married - not been in any abusive relationship. I was just thinking about it, so I thought I would ask the question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smalcald Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 32 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 5,258 Content Per Day: 0.76 Reputation: 42 Days Won: 3 Joined: 06/16/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/22/1960 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Does the Bible talk about physical abuse? It talks about violence period, outbursts of wrath, etc. But obviously I am reaching a little on this. But I just think that if someone shows no fruits of salvation, we can legitimately assume that they do not have faith. Secondly Paul says that if you cannot live with the unbeliever you can let them leave and divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one of peace Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Removed from Forums for Breaking Terms of Service Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 18 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/30/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted August 27, 2007 I was wondering...just what ARE a persons Christian options when it comes to being married to a person that physically abuses them? Is divorce out of the question from a Biblical point of view? Are you really asking is remarriage out of the question in the case of a divorce instigated by abuse? A "Christian" marriage is supposed to bring glory to G-d. If one spouse is being beaten up by the other spouse, how can that be glorifying to G-d in any way? I don't think it's rocket science...the offended spouse needs to leave and take the kids and see a lawyer ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smalcald Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 32 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 5,258 Content Per Day: 0.76 Reputation: 42 Days Won: 3 Joined: 06/16/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/22/1960 Share Posted August 27, 2007 As an aside NEVER get counseling with someone who is abusing you. Abusers are manipulators and controllers they don't need counseling, they need jail. No legitimate counselor would want to do "couples" counseling when abuse is present. There is only one advice for a person in this case and that is how to leave without endangering their life and the life of their children. Abusers in general do not change, although through the grace of God obviously anything is possible. The cycle of abuse is an outburst, then a show of contrition and humiliation, then a sweet cycle with flowers and promises to never ever do it again, then the slow build up then the cycle starts over, abusers are pathological liars, even to themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Biblicist Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 What is the root of an abusive person? Maybe we could focus on WHY a person would become abusive in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
damo1 Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 29 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,822 Content Per Day: 0.29 Reputation: 19 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/23/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/16/1967 Share Posted August 27, 2007 from damo1 high again let me explaine why i stand on gods word and on gods word alone to tel some one to get back and live in the real world is foolish i was in an abusive home my self to the point wear i lied for the way my father was in my culture it was normal for men to behave like this and his rules wear if you did not like it get out i was abused from the age of 6 right up to the age of 14 and i put up with a lot not only did my father take his anger out on me he also took his anger out on my mother and my sister my dad was violent and i do not know how i survived his out bursts yet i feel it was god as my sister told me she saw an angel near my bed one night when i was crying i pain see old saying men had to put up with pain and wear not alowed to show there emotjons even at school i hid the marks on me as my dad would take an extention cord out on me and i had to bare it if i tried to defend my self i would be held down i was made to kneel on rice for an hour to the point wear i got sore i would often jump in the midle and protect my mother yet little did that do i caried this anger for a long time even when i was a christian my neighbours did not do a thing as wear i lived it was a mixed culture wear people would mind there own buisness the only person who tried to do some thing was an old school teacher yet i told him not to cal the police as it would be worse on me i left home when i was 14 yrs old i took my anger out on other males males who would take it out on the female friends around me as i was more comfterbal talking to women for some strange reason when god came into my life he brought that up with the help of a good counsler who invited the holy spirit into the counsling session and threw deep digging as we dug at the root of the problem and once i did this i was able to be free i know councel my self and walk with those that have been threw this so marnie to tel some one to live in the real world is foolish when you do not know nothing about them the person was asking for advice she is not married if you looked at her question close and i gave out advice yes divorce if this continues to the point wear the person wil not turn around i do not attac people i do not throw ther sin in there past i just do what christ did for me i was praying to get a chance to talk with my father yet he died i as i wanted to tel him i love him and i forgive him for the way he treated me yet i also thank god for watching over me as when i was living at home so please do not go out attacking those that you do not know nothing about and tel them to live in the real world as when we do this we are not walking acordingly to gods word i was not atacking you at all and i do not know what brought this on the people i deal with are from brokken homes and many have been in abusive sittuations to wear we have had to move the partner out of harms way i have even thrown my self in the ,midle of some sticky situations and when i ask god to move he moves as he is ther guiding people should be able to express them selves with out being attacked and if something has not been dealt with then one needs to deal with it i am going home for the first time and i wil be spending this time with my step mother and wil be laying some flowers on my dads grave my mother has not forgiven him nor has my sister as they stil hold on to that hurt god loves us and he is ther for us from damo1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chimoku Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 24 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 270 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/31/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted August 27, 2007 (edited) [ Well, how many women did marry "Mr. Perfect" only to find out LATER he was an abuser? Far too many women . "Abuse" is pretty endemic in out western society - and it is fairly pervasive in Christian homes as well. Individuals are NOT born abusers - they may have certain propensities toward acertain kinds of behaviours , they may have been damanged in their own development, or have not fully matured to be able to cope wit h the pressures of life They need healing , and that IS possible - particulalry the healing work that only the Holy Spirit can give. Also, how long should a separation be if he keeps promising to change and never does? There are no pat answers. When we make that commitment to marry we in many respects step into the unknown . . . For example, spouses get chronic illness, they slip into comas, have conditions that render them unable to contribute financially to the family andi n fact drai n family resourses . . . And how long should a Christian spouse stay with a partner like that? Until death do us part. What's the difference in a life-long separation and divorce? A separation means that you have not terminated the relationship spiritually, although legally and phsyciall yand in some respects psychological you are disconnected. It frees you to live away from the the emotional and psychological trauma of threats to your safety. And allows you in that context to fulfill God's purposes for your life optimally. MY cousin left her abusive husband - and she raised 4 children in the Christian faith. Had he been around, each one of those kids would have so traumatized and damaged, I think none of them would have been able to find a healthy relationship with Jesus. But each onf ot hese kids is now working in the church, going to university, living productive lives serving the Lord. Has there been loss and pain for them? Yes. But God used it to deepen compassion i n their hearts. Was it easy for my cousin? No.definitely not. There were many times she was tempted to get remarried. But she acknowledges that had she gotten remarried it would have hurt the kids more. She went back to school - got trained in education and through her church i s now workin g with women who are in abusive relationships , helping them move out of those relationshps, get Christian counselling, and become the spiritual 'head' of their families until OR IF their husbands return healed. Edited August 27, 2007 by chimoku Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chimoku Posted August 27, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 24 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 270 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/31/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted August 27, 2007 (edited) Maybe we could focus on WHY a person would become abusive in the first place. There are many factors that play into this behaviour. The behaviour of 'abuse' does not just pop up out of nowhere. There is a consciousness, a thinking about people - about women, in this case - that reduces them in worth and dignity , and thus allows the offender to see them as objects for his own gratification,power and control. The thinking always precedes the behaviour. ( that is why BTW I do not laugh at jokes that diminish women because ithese 'jokes' part of this contiuum of abuse. They do nto belong in a Christian setting IMO) There are other factors, such as developmental factors - such as, if an individual himself was traumatized, abused, witnessed abuse, particulalry the abuse of his mother by his father . . Other factors such as chemical addictions ( alcohol) can trigger abusive episodes Individuals who have experience brain trauma through accidents may have brain injury that creates a chemicial imbalances in the brain that lead into episodes of abuse . . . Neuro-chemical conditions play a role in the response/ reactive functions of the brain and how a person perceives, interprets and responds to stimulii Immaturity, egotism, narcicissim ( and other personality disorders) certainly offer a mindset that sees others- including women- a means to meet ones needs Frustration with ones career or job, a sense of powerlessness and insignificance leads individuals to seek power and control A fear of loss, especially if the individual has experienced loss in early childhood, can create a fear and anxiety and need to CONTROL those around him as a erroneous and distorted way of ensuring his emotional security Stress factors , finacial demands, demands of the works place, the social pressures of life, experiences injustices and unfairness, - any all of these work together on a personality and become can become complicite i n this disease of abuse. Edited August 27, 2007 by chimoku Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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