the broken rose

[Xan]

Sarah, I think it's wonderful you discovered the truth before you got married.

Right now, I'm scared and hoping I will not be making a mistake in a year when I plan on marrying the man I'm engaged to. He's kind, gentle, trusting, and we pray and have Bible studies together, but something recently came up that makes me real nervous. How is a Christian woman to know when we have found the right one?

[traveller]

Sarah, I think it's wonderful you discovered the truth before you got married.

Right now, I'm scared and hoping I will not be making a mistake in a year when I plan on marrying the man I'm engaged to. He's kind, gentle, trusting, and we pray and have Bible studies together, but something recently came up that makes me real nervous. How is a Christian woman to know when we have found the right one?

Time and prayer sis. Lots of time.

[Xan]

Sarah, I think it's wonderful you discovered the truth before you got married.

Right now, I'm scared and hoping I will not be making a mistake in a year when I plan on marrying the man I'm engaged to. He's kind, gentle, trusting, and we pray and have Bible studies together, but something recently came up that makes me real nervous. How is a Christian woman to know when we have found the right one?

Time and prayer sis. Lots of time.

A good friend of mine told me today to step back and observe. Of course, prayer is always good advice.

[Iryssa]

Leah,

I just wanted to appreciate your courage in sharing this testimony. About a month ago I broke off my engagement to a "Christian" man, when he admitted to cheating on me. It wasn't until this major breaking point that I realized how much emotional abuse, manipulation and control I was living under with him for the past 2 and a half years. Christian women today, especially young ones who are seeking to be loved are very vulnerable to men who are wolves in sheepskin- not because we are women, but because we are so confused by the messages the church feeds us along with what our culture tells us.

This experience sounds a lot like mine. It started out very well...we were on the same church Youth Group worship team, we went to all the youth events, we were even close friends for a while first. He'd had some drug problems in the past and a relationship that had "ended badly" (he never did explain that one to me...I never pushed because I thought the reason he wasn't explaining was because it was too painful for him)...but hey, he seemed to have made a fresh start, had renewed his dedication to Christ and was doing all the "right" things. We went to grad together, and I was all set for a summer of bliss before I went off to Bible College.

Well, he moved out of his parent's house, got a job, payed his rent (and often his roommate's)...and started hanging out with a different crowd. He took up smoking again. He even confessed to doing pot a couple of times (naive little me, I thought "well, he confessed it to me, and I'm sure it WAS just those couple of times" )...those were just the obvious, outward signs that things were headed downhill. Less obvious to me at the time was how he was isolating me (as well as himself) from all our old, good church friends. Then he was pulling me away from my family. All the while we were getting more and more physically involved. Slowly, everything became my fault. His smoking, the pot, the drinking...if I wasn't such a [insert any number of profane names here] he wouldn't have to do those things!

Of course, I'd fight back...I'd grit my teeth and give him everything I had...but he'd already taken so much of me that there wasn't much strength left, and I always left in tears, blaming myself. Half an hour later, he'd call me, beg me to come back and make things up...then the cycle would start all over again, him having more ammunition every time because he'd call me and make it seem as though he was the one trying to make this work. I sacrificed more and more of myself all the time, trying to put in as much effort as he had me believing he was putting in, while he took more and more and got into worse and worse things.

I went to college, found new Christian friends (of whom he was always jealous, even of the time I spent with my girlfriends). These did not give up so easily on me, and pursued my friendship even after my year there was done and I'd moved back home. Lord, I will always be grateful for their love...I would never have found my way back again if it were not for their silent (but ever-present) support.

I got engaged to this guy (I still can't believe it...I guess I thought the ring would change everything), and more time passed, more tears, more heartache, more manipulation and emotional abuse.

Then he cheated on me. There's more to the story after that...but I think that was the biggest turning point. I went back to my college town one weekend to glean strength from my friends (who gave me all their strength and love and support, assuring me I was doing the right thing). I went to his place, where I ended it. I didn't linger, I backed out the door, fairly flew to my vehicle, then headed straight back to the strength and support of my friends for a few more days (I even entrusted one with my cellphone...I couldn't turn it off, in case my parents called, but my friends screened my calls for me to make sure I didn't talk to him...unbeknownst to me, I also involuntarily entrusted yet another with my Jeep's battery so I couldn't go back to him ).

Leah and Sarah I'm so glad you two got out...share your stories whenever you see a girl in a similar situation. It may give her the courage she needs to get out.

Epilogue: I'm now married to my best friend (one of those College friends, incidentally), the sweetest, most selfless Christian man I've ever known. We have one son, and a second baby on the way. God brought me out of the pit and raised me up, giving me all my heart desired and everything I never dared to dream I'd have. Our "fights" (if they can be called that), usually last about thirty seconds, at which point we both apologize, compromise, and grow even closer together than before.

[Heiress2theKingdom]

Sarah, I think it's wonderful you discovered the truth before you got married.

Right now, I'm scared and hoping I will not be making a mistake in a year when I plan on marrying the man I'm engaged to. He's kind, gentle, trusting, and we pray and have Bible studies together, but something recently came up that makes me real nervous. How is a Christian woman to know when we have found the right one?

Hey Hun,

The lessons I have learned are these:

-Listen to what your friends and family say about him

-Think about who you know that has known him longer than you and what they can say good or bad about him

-Ask yourself if there is a list of possible related items that resonate with your recent issue

-Step back and think about if his responses to questions and situations have been consistent throughout your relationship

-Make sure that you have not been making compromises in your values for him (the Lord doesn't want that for us)

-Reflect on how he has helped you to become a better Christian woman, or if not seriously reconsider

The reason I stayed with my fiance so long was because I wanted to see him grow into someone who loved Christ, and I did love him...I did not want to hurt him, I wanted to do everything in my power to get him saved and I was trapped in this thought that I was accomplishing it. Consider all your reasons for getting married and make sure they are the right ones- bad reasons to get married are physical intimacy, "its the next logical step," "I don't think I can find someone else," "I don't want to be alone," "I want to start a family-here's my chance."

I realize (now that I am not in love and blind to stuff that makes me say "DUH!!!" now) that God created marriage for the sole purpose of giving us one stable partner who can help us to glorify him on earth. If your current relationship is already showing fruit in that area or there are obvious gains in your life toward that ambition you are on a good track. If your relationship mostly exists for self-fulfillment (for him or for you) you may have some thinking and refocusing to do.

The right man should be encouraging our walk with the lord and supporting all of our god-willed endeavors!

Hope this helps- I'm no expert but I've learned a hard lesson the hard knock way! (Off the soap box now).

Take Care Sweetie,

Sarah

[Iryssa]

-Listen to what your friends and family say about him

That one's SO important...I know my reflexive reaction when my family didn't like my ex was to want to prove to them I could change him and make it work. I could have saved myself an awful lot of trouble if I'd just gone "maybe you're right...maybe he IS treating me badly and I shouldn't waste my time." I think my College friends sorta picked up on that and therefore didn't repeat themselves (my mom and dad were at me all the time about it...they meant well, and now I understand, but it was just making me dig my heels in at the time).

[Willow325]

I deleted this myself

Edited July 11, 2008 by Willow325

[Heiress2theKingdom]

-Listen to what your friends and family say about him

That one's SO important...I know my reflexive reaction when my family didn't like my ex was to want to prove to them I could change him and make it work. I could have saved myself an awful lot of trouble if I'd just gone "maybe you're right...maybe he IS treating me badly and I shouldn't waste my time." I think my College friends sorta picked up on that and therefore didn't repeat themselves (my mom and dad were at me all the time about it...they meant well, and now I understand, but it was just making me dig my heels in at the time).

That was the same exact thing for me too. I just refused to accept that my parents were right, I wanted to prove myself as a capable "adult".

[Xan]

Sarah, that is great advice. We are growing stronger in the Lord through our relationship, and we are insuring that we bless God within our relationship. My parents think he's great, and they have never liked anyone I have ever dated before. A close girlfriend of mine has said he's a good man. Another friend (male) told me he seems decent but that he has some issues I need to consider. He said to just take a step back and watch him but not break-up. I have never met any of his friends. I don't believe he has ever lied to me, but I did find out recently through things he has said that he does not always act according to his stated moral convictions. If the problems are truly in the past, then I definitely want to move forward with marrying him next year. If it is a reflection of a current and deeper problem, then it will surface, and I need to make sure that I am observing carefully rather than being caught up with all the good things about the relationship. We're both moving forward but a little bit slower, and he's being pouty. It's only been a day, so I will allow some amount of self-pitying, but if it continues, then I know there is something wrong.

I want him because I know what a rare find a man who actually wants to be what God intended a husband to be is, but I also know now I need to be careful.

[Xan]

Leah,

I just wanted to appreciate your courage in sharing this testimony. About a month ago I broke off my engagement to a "Christian" man, when he admitted to cheating on me. It wasn't until this major breaking point that I realized how much emotional abuse, manipulation and control I was living under with him for the past 2 and a half years. Christian women today, especially young ones who are seeking to be loved are very vulnerable to men who are wolves in sheepskin- not because we are women, but because we are so confused by the messages the church feeds us along with what our culture tells us.

This experience sounds a lot like mine. It started out very well...we were on the same church Youth Group worship team, we went to all the youth events, we were even close friends for a while first. He'd had some drug problems in the past and a relationship that had "ended badly" (he never did explain that one to me...I never pushed because I thought the reason he wasn't explaining was because it was too painful for him)...but hey, he seemed to have made a fresh start, had renewed his dedication to Christ and was doing all the "right" things. We went to grad together, and I was all set for a summer of bliss before I went off to Bible College.

Well, he moved out of his parent's house, got a job, payed his rent (and often his roommate's)...and started hanging out with a different crowd. He took up smoking again. He even confessed to doing pot a couple of times (naive little me, I thought "well, he confessed it to me, and I'm sure it WAS just those couple of times" )...those were just the obvious, outward signs that things were headed downhill. Less obvious to me at the time was how he was isolating me (as well as himself) from all our old, good church friends. Then he was pulling me away from my family. All the while we were getting more and more physically involved. Slowly, everything became my fault. His smoking, the pot, the drinking...if I wasn't such a [insert any number of profane names here] he wouldn't have to do those things!

Of course, I'd fight back...I'd grit my teeth and give him everything I had...but he'd already taken so much of me that there wasn't much strength left, and I always left in tears, blaming myself. Half an hour later, he'd call me, beg me to come back and make things up...then the cycle would start all over again, him having more ammunition every time because he'd call me and make it seem as though he was the one trying to make this work. I sacrificed more and more of myself all the time, trying to put in as much effort as he had me believing he was putting in, while he took more and more and got into worse and worse things.

I went to college, found new Christian friends (of whom he was always jealous, even of the time I spent with my girlfriends). These did not give up so easily on me, and pursued my friendship even after my year there was done and I'd moved back home. Lord, I will always be grateful for their love...I would never have found my way back again if it were not for their silent (but ever-present) support.

I got engaged to this guy (I still can't believe it...I guess I thought the ring would change everything), and more time passed, more tears, more heartache, more manipulation and emotional abuse.

Then he cheated on me. There's more to the story after that...but I think that was the biggest turning point. I went back to my college town one weekend to glean strength from my friends (who gave me all their strength and love and support, assuring me I was doing the right thing). I went to his place, where I ended it. I didn't linger, I backed out the door, fairly flew to my vehicle, then headed straight back to the strength and support of my friends for a few more days (I even entrusted one with my cellphone...I couldn't turn it off, in case my parents called, but my friends screened my calls for me to make sure I didn't talk to him...unbeknownst to me, I also involuntarily entrusted yet another with my Jeep's battery so I couldn't go back to him ).

Leah and Sarah I'm so glad you two got out...share your stories whenever you see a girl in a similar situation. It may give her the courage she needs to get out.

Epilogue: I'm now married to my best friend (one of those College friends, incidentally), the sweetest, most selfless Christian man I've ever known. We have one son, and a second baby on the way. God brought me out of the pit and raised me up, giving me all my heart desired and everything I never dared to dream I'd have. Our "fights" (if they can be called that), usually last about thirty seconds, at which point we both apologize, compromise, and grow even closer together than before.

Iryssa, your story is amazing. I'm so glad you got out of that horrible situation and found a wonderful man. I love it when women make Godly choices.