Is 37 yrs too long to be lonely?

[stormy612]

I trust everything I go through to be God giving me wisdom. I guess I'm "picking up the pieces so none will be wasted"? Your right about Him convicting me about doing something wrong. I haven't felt 'convicted', just disappointed and concerned. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes which is why I believe God allows us to remember our past. It's just hard when you don't know where the mistake was-me or the other person- or what, if anything, I did right. When I think about future relationships, I pull back because I don't know the answers to these questions. If what I did was right, I want to keep doing it. If its wrong, I want to stop. The confusion comes because people are each so uniquely different. I can see that these friends were bad for my life with God, and now I seek only to build friendships with those who walk on the same path I do-with Jesus. I have been given a clean slate and a new start in life. I just don't want to step out repeating my old behaviors.

When it comes down to the nuts and bolts of it, I can only act according to His word. At least then, if I'm rejected, I'll know its because of His truth and not because of something I did. For example: my sister has no qualms breaking the law if it gets her what she wants. Her favorite quote (which came from my dad) is: it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I am the exact opposite! So, she breaks the law, and sure enough, she knows the cops are coming for her. She begs me to lie to them if they ever show up (claiming she doesn't want her kids to see her arrested!) but I won't. Trembling (literally), I told her no. Then I had to show her I meant it. A sheriff's deputy did show up at the house, but only to give her a supeona (sp?). I told the deputy that she was at home, instead of lying. She now feels betrayed by me (so do my nieces, by the way). I am very sad about that, but I have peace that I did the right thing. I know God was standing behind me on this one. I've had Him confirm His promise in this many times. In this instance, I can see clearly.

I just don't know how to get past my past of being judged on everything I've ever done or said. If they did it in the past, what's to stop others from doing it now? I still feel that judgement, too, from the people I'm around everyday. It's like slamming into a brick wall day after day. No matter what I say or what I do, people keep me in this box and won't see who God is growing me up to be. I don't sense that the people I'm around want me to be anything other than what they have known me to be. I guess it's easier for them to deal with me when they can predict me. Paul went through it, too, and Jesus too, so I know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm jealous. I see everyone else laughing and talking and socializing, even those people who are shy. I'm shy, plain and simple. Socializing doesn't come naturally to me, and to have to do it is major work for me and I am filled with fear every time I have to do it. I'm exhausted.

But I feel loved here. I feel like the wisdom God has given me so far is useful, here. Ultimately, that's what I want-friends or no friends. If God is using me, then I'm not as worthless as my family and others would have me believe-seeing how God is the ultimate authority on this kind of stuff. Thank you everyone!

[stormy612]

Awww...you make me blush Thank you!

[mikado5001]

Awww...you make me blush Thank you!

My dear sister in JESUS. I have very little to offer up except to say that I know of where you speak. I am emotionally dependant to. According to the movie version of The Wizard of Oz. We are not judged by how much we love. But, by how much we are loved. That is so untrue.

But I confess to thinking that way, from time to time. I jump at the chance to have my friends meet my other friends just to show them I have friends. Strange, I know, to some. I HATE BEING SO DEPENDANT. Dependant to the point where I try to turn co-workers into friends. I am not knocking hanging with co-workers. But I have to realize, there need to be borders. I am, as I have said, a very socially awkward person. I break out in song much to peoples chagrin, sometimes. I do LOVE singing. It releaves my stress. And I adore improvising songs for friends. Just spur of the moment creativity. Some hate it. That is thier problem. I knew a friend who sang along. Someone who appreciated my chosen method of stress release.

I bet you are a fantastic friend! If you're ever around my neck of the woods. I would love to break bread with you. You, like all of us, are a work in progress. I pray that this helps you.

You are a precious creation. Sent from HEAVEN. You will touch people. And be touched too.

I pray that I have merited inclusion in the earlier group hug. I do so love HUGS!!!

[stormy612]

I asked God once why all my boyfriends and husband (this was after I found his porn habit and before he hurt my baby) were like they were. Why did I chose them? Why did they chose me? My first 2 were violent (1st wanted to kill me and tried twice-2nd I ran from, I didn't want to take the chance). My husband was the opposite-very quiet, reserved, rarely got angry and very not violent if he did get mad. It was like, "I just can't win."

My dad blamed it all on me. In his mind, men are good-women make them bad. No matter what, I made them act that way. He gave me example after example of how a man reacts to things I do like crying, or talking, or getting mad. I wasn't allowed to do anything for fear of driving men away. When my baby was molested, I think it jarred him. He couldn't blame her, could he? I honestly think he tried to, but decided in the end, I was to blame.

When it came to my friends, in his mind, it was the same thing. I was to blame. I was causing it all.

God opened my eyes to the truth. I'm not responsible for their actions, only my own. So, how was I acting? Not always as He would've had me. He opened my eyes to the domino effect sin has, but He will judge me on how I interact with people, and He will judge them on how they interacted with me. So, I wisened up and set myself to following His word. Yeh! for me and PRAISE GOD!!!

Then He said that "like is attracted to like"-talking about men. Looking back, I was as insecure and emotionally dependent (thank you Mikado) and as emotionally unpredictable as they were. I scared them as much as they scared me, but in a different way. He told me that if I wanted a strong, secure, stable, confident, safe man, I would have to be a strong, secure, stable, confident, safe woman. Can I say "Zowie!"? Talk about an eye-opener! Since I'm not there yet, I'm am sooooo off the market. I don't want to drag down, hamper, or scare another man. I also like the freedom I have in Christ-without those worldly concerns that Paul talked about.

I'm still working with Him on the friends thing. It's the same concept, but not entirely. The relationship with a friend is different than with a husband. I chose poorly because I was looking for them to fill a hole. I needed them to be my strength, my ice-breaker, my buddy, my teacher, my confidence, etc. Whatever I needed, and the friends I chose were all of the same personality type. They were the dominant one, and I was the submissive one. But they chose me for the same reason. My submission filled something in them. In the end, we were bad for each other.

Now I look at myself and people with new eyes. I'm cautious about who I invite into my life (to guard my heart), and I'm cautious about how I am with them (to guard theirs). If I present myself as quiet, respectful, and meek, people come to know and rely on that. Then, when they cross the line on something and my resolve appears (wanting respect even though we disagree on something), they resent it and leave. I'm not suppose to act that way. I'm suppose to be weak, not strong. If I present myself from the get-go as a strong person, they freak out when my weakness start showing because they came to rely on my strength. Again, they leave. It feels like I'm deceiving them somehow. I have both in me. So, I'm just trying to figure out how to present both from the get-go so people aren't surprised by either one-my strength or my weakness.

Being here, I've been able to be both. And I hope I'm not judged as one or the other, but a combo of both. My strength comes from God, my weakness comes from my flesh. Sometimes I'm in one, and sometimes I'm in the other. And I am still growing. Does this make sense?