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Godlovesme

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  1. I went so long without a hug forgot what it felt like, then I developed a fear of reaching out first. But I'm the narcissistic one ugh I live with someone who's has zero compassion, someone who thought if you made comments how fat and etc you are wouldn't effect the self esteem, well it did severely I might add ,can't even tell you where is or up to you just get to wait til he decides to come home.... He is a Christian to everyone online even compassionate but I get a bit confused how that works in a marriage.
  2. Maybe some people are so used to being condscending and using sarcasm destroying the other party that they can't seem to see the damage they caused. When the spouse lives out in a bus so he can have his private life and see his wife maybe if he is outside when she she is driving in the driveway once a month. Some people prefer not to have a real relationships outside of online that's fine. But don't blame the other party because she can't handle the craziness.
  3. What is normal cobalt? What do we consider a normal relationship? Curious because as soon as I say I have need like a hug I'm considered selfish.
  4. Humble had nothing to do with your family don't speak or include each other's in their lives? Condscending and sarcasm seems to run in the family, nobody supposed to take offense. What punishment are you referring to?
  5. Hmbld does it have anything to do with you talk to everyone else but her and everyone becomes a threat because you share your life with everyone but her? So then she developed a sense if insecurutythat wasn't there when you met?
  6. My husband believes I'm narcissistic because I won't be a doormat, I'm looked at as being selfish because I as a woman have emotional needs and because he can't understand how a relationship works he looks up all this psychological stuff in order to find something wrong with me instead of being concerned with how he treats me. So be careful of the stuff as a Christian the things you say because someone out there is just looking for a reason to think what they are doing is good, and is God approved.
  7. I have been going to see a pastor and have done counseling both inside and outside the church. Basically been told I'm trying to row upstream in a two man boat with one oar. That I have to stop taking his behaviors personal and remind myself that is about him and on him and his responsibility for how he chooses to honor the relationship. And I try to do that, but in all honesty when he is behaving in a not so nice fashion , I can walk away, pray go try to find something to be busy with but it don't help the sting, I'm the one left having to deal with whatever was tossed my way, I can forgive til I'm blue in the face but then have to deal with the same behavior again the next day or week or what ever, all the stuff the pastor said sounded great but still left dealing with the hurt over and over, same behaviors same hurt different day. I'm accused of being cold, I am , it's like you know if you stick your hand on that hot stove your going to get burned, so you stick on a oven mitt and try again except each time you keep getting a thicker oven mitt, before you know it you stop feeling anything. I will be the first to admit I'm in the wrong when it comes to being loving , I have tried loving no matter what and overlooking but once again I need a very thick oven mitt. Now I'm down right terrified , because if I let myself be vulnerable again will that be the time it finishes what's left of my heart and grow cold towards everything and everybody. I'm literally scared to death of losing my faith thru all of this. They say what don't kill you only makes you stronger, that's a lie, what can happen is it makes you scared of feeling.
  8. and what do you do when counseling is refused? 23 years of marriage as of today. Just be happy? :/
  9. God loves you, I like to believe he loves me, by the grace of God I have survived this mess so far. But God gives us free will to behave how we choose even when its bad. You can't hide behind God and not be responsible for the behaviors you or I choose. You can't stick your head in the sand while everything falls apart and then wonder what happened, and just shrug your shoulders and go oh well, God loves me that's all I need, while your behaviors and choices hurt another person, you are responsible for the hurts you cause, there is a reason why God not only asks for us to go to him for forgiveness but also asks us to go to each other and amend our wrongs. There's a reason for that because how we treat someone can effect their very life.
  10. Not exactly sure what you are referring to, but you talk about love like its normal to pretend the other doesn't exist, walking by me and saying good morning to everyone else, you actually think it's normal and I'm supposed to accept you will never be seen with me among our peers, you come and go as you please when you please, kids or others ask me where is ... 99% of the time I dunno.. I honestly could go on but will stop here as I'm not out to crucify you and never was going to say who my husband was but since you refuse counseling I came here hoping you would see I'm not the crazy one... Your actions your behaviors are not normal and hard to live with, but if I say it I'm crazy if someone here says it maybe you will listen since you spend most of your time here. It's hard to heal when the wound keeps getting kicked. I'm not alone I'm not narcissistic I'm not crazy. I know a lot of women including our daughters who could not deal with what I deal with daily and not come out scarred, yet I keep on going day after day , sometimes never hearing a word from you for days. Most of the time I don't say anything just go on and try to survive the day try to hold on to my faith and try to help the people around me. I'm human and the human part of me shows up once in awhile, I'm tired of being ashamed of being a woman.
  11. Lies from satan, never leave you in a better place. They only destroy what lies is that? That my husband does not care about how I feel? Satan doesn't need to tell me that , I witness it , I live it. He held my hand while he told me he won't go anywhere with me or do anything with me or be anywhere where people know us.... Not in those exact words but that was the jift of it. He speaks in a condescending manner to me,if I ask for help with anything I'm told " do it yourself" exactly who is listening to who? Takes 2 to reconcile. What advice you listen to is most important, you must choose if you listen to advice that brings life, or advice that brings death. My eternal life or my marriage? hardening my heart? Yeah it happened, but not without a fight, so happens I couldn't take the pain anymore. It was a live or die situation , so either way I lose, being vulnerable is what gets you hurt and sometimes you just can't pick yourself up from it and wipe yourself off like nothing happened. Maybe the husband shouldn't be so careless with what he was given to him.
  12. Ok, I've read all the responses , thank you, hard to reply to each and every one so I apologize. To sum things up I have went numb, I admit I'm not strong enough to deal with this marriage as it is, I've given it to God a long time ago. I get moments where I can't deal with it and let loose and eventually find my way back to shutting up and putting up. I try to keep my mind on other things 99% of the time, but when you live with someone it's really hard not to notice what's missing what's not right and what's hurting you. For a moment after I first posted this I saw a ray of hope, he got a little nicer, even shown a thoughtful attitude a time or two but as always there was a curve ball coming and I let myself be vulnerable only to be a fool. I have now pretty much shut down completely. I'm not mentally strong enough for the curve balls. I guess I'm just not very good at being a Christian.
  13. I thought about this a lot, and I know where it went bad or least whereabouts. When we first met it was nice but I didn't take notice to certain things until it was to late. I once was a confident person , may not of been the smartest but didn't consider myself dumb. I wasn't a model but I sure didn't think I was ugly. I jumped in head first, looking back I realize that was a mistake, but at the time I thought I could love him through his issues. It started out with insults when he got mad, he was so jealous I couldn't even look out the window when cars were passing he would get mad. He made it very clear to me that he sure didn't think I was that pretty, called me names, you know the score, he would use the word whore a lot when he got upset with me, if guys paid me attention he even went on to tell me how he didn't understand that, that I just wasn't that good looking, that was a convo we had when we were getting along. I use to be part of family gatherings, hardly ever missed them , after I was with him that all stopped. I was told I was fat at 112lbs, he made fun of the way I talked and talked very condescending to me. Even back then there wasn't really any time spent together and he had other priorities,(porn) we were very young, I rebeled and would go out with my girlfriend, I was very immature. I suppose he got hurt during that time in our lives but at the time I had the attitude he didn't care about me so I didn't have anything to lose. Somehow we survived that? Not really we just got further and futher apart. Then one night he was watching porn and made the comment he could finally feel alive....it did something to me, I felt something literally break inside me, I turned cold to him not ice cold but could no longer actively love him like a wife should, it wasn't that difficult , he was rarely home, and when he was I didn't exist anyway so it wasn't like I had to go out of my way to avoid him, and when he did speak to me it usually wasn't anything nice. I was always screwing something up , at the time my sister was alive she got me through a lot of the pain, and life was more bearable then. I turned 28 and had a experience with God and turned my life over to him, tried to love my husband And tried so hard to fight the demons in our home, it was hard because he didn't change but I did. Then my sister passed away and it shook my world right to the core, I even remember 2 days after she died I was laying on the sofa trying to deal with it and my husband was walking past and he asked me what was wrong with me? Like he honestly looked confused that I was sad, And I then knew I was alone so very alone and I got angry at God for taking the one person who helped keep me grounded away the only person that helped me through all the heartache I endured in my marriage, I mean if God loved me how could he do that? I convinced myself God did not love me and maybe God was real but I was a lost cause, my own husband could not care about me, I even drove myself to the e.r. Several times, I had nobody to hold my hand thru anything, our son was diagnosed with autism, my husband couldn't be bothered with doc visits or school meetings but he sure did critique my decisions if I had to make one, I begged him for help but he had his priorities. I can give many examples , he probably can to, I wasn't the best wife after I shut down my heart. This went on for 18 years? I don't even know anymore I just know I felt every painful day. Then one day I was sitting on our love seat and ( now I realize it was satan at the time I didnt) and I was told in my head to ask him about the porn, he admitted he had it hid under his floormat, and the rest of me died inside, I remember that night very well, what lil hope I may have had I had no more. He did admit he had a problem and we did decide to goto church, but at this time we were doomed, I have been so long without a hug a kiss , any real affection , it's not in his nature, a matter of fact we used to greet him at the door, the kids and I cuz we wanted to show him we were happy to see him, he would get mad,I learned real quick but not quick enough to keep my distance til he would approach me, thing was it was in a rare moon he would approach me for a hug, I learned to go without, or so I thought I did. I was at this point put on Zoloft and it numbed me, went crazy shoppingi really turned ocd about cleaning but the not so good effect of Zoloft was I was numb, numb from the hurt and numb from the meds, bad combo, believed God didn't love me, just a misfit in life, my own mother doesn't love me. I volunteered at a place for the homeless, it made me feel good to help others, especially people in need. I met someone that acted like every word I said was important ,if he went to the store to get a soda he would grab one for me to, someone actually thought I had value? This person asked me how my day was, showed concern when I was sad, laughed at my stupid jokes and never once made me feel stupid, and he hugged me, I remember thinking omg someone thinks I'm worth hugging and I got caught up in satans lies, my husband gave his life to God during this time, and I remember thinking he will never need me but he has God how blessed he is and he will be rid of the ugly fat irritating wife. I remember coming home and asking him one night if he loved me, and he paused for quite some time and said he thinks he did, I made my decision at that point to give up on the marriage completely he wasn't going to hurt or miss me. I truly believed this, and I felt the sting but it was no different then all the days of our marriage. So I moved out , he never came looking for me or called and I never believed he would, I know if he would of shown just a fraction of love or care my decision would of been different, but as always if he loved me I was the last to know, if he missed me I was the last to know period, thru out our entire marriage. I felt regret later for being disobedient to God and bringing shame, but I justified my behavior with well he called me a whore so many times he didn't even care about me etc. the pastor kept in touch with me and eventually the conviction of the Holy Spirit got to me, I did have a conscience apparently cuz one day I realized what I have done, I hurt him like he hurt me. The pastor kept telling me that my husband wanted me back etc, so I came back, only to hear who says I wanted you back..... I get that and deserved that. But the relationship remains the same, he still has his priorities and I dont exist and the same old hurts get repeated. He doesn't call the names anymore with the exception of when I first came back, I keep hearing love what is love, i can surely tell you what it's not, I live it everyday, like nothing changed same behavior maybe he is justified now but I still don't exist and he still don't care about my feelings. he still don't spologize for anything hurtful he does. I had to say goodbye to my father and am pretty sure it was the last time I was ever going to see him and I needed arms to crawl into for comfort but what I came home to was a sheet on the fridge saying what lights were left on, including the microwave and my daughter telling me to stay out of dads way he is mad and I'm always the target. Yup I left in a haste and probably more times then not and left the bathroom light on, I got up late and was hurrying to pick my dad up that day knowing I was saying goodbye to him and I admit I need to work on being more diligent on shutting lights off, he does pay the electric bill and I shouldn't be so careless with his hard earned dollars. I can honestly say I feel unwanted unloved by him before and after my affair, but now he has the ammo against me and I did that to myself. I will carry that shame for the rest of my life. But I swear im not evil I'm not half the things he thinks I am or ever was, he has a different way of looking at things then I do. I suppose partially cuz he is male I'm female. He thinks he can say hurtful things and not apologize and I'm supposed to just be happy, it supposed to never effect me and he has made me feel like there is something wrong with me because I have needs and I'm being selfish because im just not happy with co existing In the same house, it makes me sad and lonely and I'm sorry if it shows on my face. He can insult me, call me a liar, etc but I know since my return I've been honest , didn't hide stuff took my punishment the best I could or can while he talks about unconditional love, I don't even know what it feels like to be loved by my husband before or after my affair, I'm doomed to go thru life without love and by the grace of God I hope I can endure til the end, because I know in my past I didn't do such a good job of it and made every thing worse. I have witnessed his kindness to others so I know it exists in him just not for me, he once told me he wished he would of waited til we got married because he was sure he missed out on something. I went from wanting romance (way back in the relationship) to being content if he just says good morning, if he says it it must mean he loves me right? I went from having every girls idea of what should happen in a relationship to my expectations so low now that if he just acknowledges me at some point in the day I'll be ok....
  14. I believe I understand what your saying,and thank you. What about if it's continuous , you forgive let it go, it keeps happening, so you just accept they don't care and try to go with the flow, but the offenses causes withdrawal from the person, is that bitterness and holding on to the offense when you don't feel bitterness? Let's say your wife/husband continually disregards how you feel and even after you told her/him how that hurts, and she/he continually repeats the offensive behavior and then expects closeness later. so does that mean I have to pretend nothing happened and keeps happening and my feelings don't matter and I'm expected to love them like nothing happened? How does one do that? I have forgiven plenty in my life but some things effect the outcome of the healing of the relationship itself with no resolution or amends.. I can let it go for my own healing, but confused how that works in a relationship.
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