A few years ago I was really struggling with OCD in the form of obsessing over worrying about getting HIV. I was worried about getting it even in mundane everyday living sort of ways, like a bug flying in my eye for example.
I'd been tested multiple times within a year and was losing my mind over worrying about it. After saying it was the last time I'd get tested so many times, I decided to try to force myself to stop getting tested for stupid reasons. So, I promised God I wouldn't get tested unless it was a real risk and if I broke this promise to send not just me to hell, but everyone I loved too. I actually dared God to do it in a really maniacal way.
I think you know where this is going... I had an incident a couple weeks later in which there was some extremely small likelihood of risk and a couple people on forums recommended getting tested. I know almost all doctors would've said there's essentially zero risk in this situation, but I knew there was an absurdly unlikely possibility of it. So, I went and got tested, feeling that it satisfied the caveat built in to my promise that it was possibly a legitimate risk.
Fast forward a few months to when I returned to Canada after living abroad for 2 years. HIV was still occupying 1/2 of my waking thoughts, so I decided that I'd get tested one last time and then only allow myself a test once a year from then on out or something. And, at the time I figured since I'd basically already broken my promise I may as well get tested even though there was no legitimate concern I had HIV, just wild OCD fuelled paranoia.
So, I got this test and then from there I was able to slowly make my tests more and more infrequent. But in the process of doing so I broke a promise to God in which I dared him to send me and my loved ones to hell. Now I'm left wondering if I should try not to love anyone in my life; no kids, no wife, push away friends and family, etc. Because isn't there now a possibility God will follow through on that? If so, I am literally causing the eternal suffering of everyone I care about. So, isn't it worth it for me to live a miserable life alone & empty inside instead of potentially causing this everlasting harm?
What is the best & right thing for me to do in this terrible, stupid situation?
What does the bible say, if anything, about this kind of thing? Is God not quite vengeful in the Old Testament?
Please no answers just trying to make me feel better, I actually want to do what's right here, even if it means killing myself.
Thanks,
Terrible Selfish Idiot.
