Figure of eighty

I feel if my kids go to heaven I'd be good. I don't care about where I go.

I care. I loved that man. Healthy relationships exists. All I want is financial stability. Not so much for myself but my kids and so I can cut off my toxic family for good. That's the main reason. I just feel I try and try and try and my plans get interrupted.

I don't think that's true. Either God is all powerful or he isn't. If he wasn't then Id be more at peace and feel like he'd want the best for me than someone that can do but won't for whatever reasons. Maybe I need to believe in that.

I'm not cut out for this at all. I want to go back to my old life atleast I wasn't angry at God all the time. Im just not. I just took an anxiety pill. I can't and don't want to do this. I don't want to hold this title anymore. I hate it.. bc I can't do it. I just can't. I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm fine going to hell. I don't care anymore. I'll try not to traffic in this space anymore that's for Christians. I clearly am not one more can I seem to be one. I absolutely give up. I'm not doing this. I'm done.

Not cowards at all. They're in mental anguish that's so intense and unfathomable those that are graced by God not to experience this torment would never understand. Not cowarda just mentally unwell. I read about a 13yr old boy that unalived himself bc of the physical and sexual abuse he endured from going to foster home to foster home. I believe in situations like these said person goes straight to heaven.

It's a combination but mostly God. Because God is all powerful nothing happens without him allowing it. That's the way I see it so my anger is usually directed at him bc of that. ( I remember how God allowed JOB to be tested and it was allowed. It'd be different if God truly was just doing the best he could and some bad things just happened to happen. I could deal with that but he's completely all powerful so nothing happens without allowance) Aside from my crummy family leaving me and not giving me their portion of rent. I'm still somewhat dealing with a heart break. I see people say how God prepared them for their husband this and that but I met a phenomenal man at the wrong time. I caused alot of damage ( beyond repair) which I acknowledge but I also have flares of anger bc I wonder why God would allow me to meet this person when I wasn't ready while he prepares others so they can be a good wife and happy in their union. I feel ill never get another chance at a truly good man. Aside from that again bc my family didn't give me their portion of rent I may not be able to get into my nursing program bc of them and I feel that's not fair to me. I feel like I'm destined to struggle and live in poverty for thr rest of my life bc I'm trying but it's like a vicious cyclical cycle. I'll do well for a period then out of nowhere car breaks down, kids get kicked out of school, I lose my job. Has happened 3 times already. On the 3rd. Afraid of losing my place now.

I'm really anxious about everything to the point I could throw up. I took anxiety meds and it's not working. I really wish God would stop waking me up everyday. I don't care if I go to hell at this point.

This is what I need bc getting angry at God isn't what a Christian should do. They should trust but I don't. I feel bad. I'm gonna pray bc I feel im not growing at all being mad and hateful at God is a sign I'm not. I already repented. I will pray this every time I get mad I hope I get a better heart than the one I have.

Is it really the spirit of the devil? I feel bad I was mad at God today. I feel so tormented. I still feel what my aunt said is somewhat true about having a judas like spirit bc I'm so angry and pissed bc my family sucks. They just use me and leave me to deal with the fall out. I may be evicted. I'm afraid I may not be a real Christian. I'm afraid to go to church. I feel I have no place there bc I get angry at God and gate him sometimes..

Uhg. I'm having a bad day. My rent is due and I had an agreement with my mom and brother of how much is owed. Neither my mom or brother paid..( my mom saved all her money to go to a hotel) it's the 21st. I work part time and I have to use all my little money to cover everything.. I have to pay 273 for school but now I'm not sure if I can even go. I'm upset. I'm mad at my family but also God. I wish I were q different person.

How do I practice being confident, kind and poised?

Practicing is a good idea.

The first thing, I feel I can be super awkward around people( have social anxiety)and I mess with my face/hands alot, dart my eyes. Lol and when I think about it I know it most likely makes others uncomfortable but I'm just nervous. I do like people alot and wish I could connect with them but I feel at my age ( 32) I'm not an adult. I feel I don't know much or have much to say and sometimes when talking to people I want to withdraw so much I almost curl up ... I also have a major issue standing up for myself. It's like when people get talked to a certain way they flare up in angrr.. where as me. I feel there's nothing there. And people run over me. 2nd issue is just. May get a little tmi but just has been an issue for me. I want to overcome it and not let it over come me.what are practical ways I can overcome just. How do I know when I've overcome lust?

I'm gonna do my best to praise God in spite of losing everything.

I need to read more I'm just really busy. I will try to read more. Like now I have time to read so I will.

Some people are stronger. Like I said some cling to God. I seem to get angry at God. I wish I didn't. I wish I was like everyone else.

You're right. I think my anger is misdirected. Also I finally have my medication. I'm very hesitant and scared to take it. I'm hoping they'll stop the intrusive thoughts and not make things worse. I am so scared. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm afraid of side effects and having an outburst at work and being embarrassed.

Don't apologize you're free to share. You're right. I pray God will help me. Im gonna pray in the morning.

My heart posture is so bad. I feel I'm just destined for hell. I wish I was never saved.

I feel I won't be as angry as I am. Before I was saved I was just sad. I didn't have anger directed at God at all I just hate all the anger I have pent up inside me right now. It's not healthy at all. I also feel im in a dangerous place spiritually. I feel damned already. I just idk I just find it hard to believe I'm filled with God's spirit and I'm so angry and hostile twds him not all the time but it comes in waves. I remember my aunt who is a prophet told me I had the spirit of judas in me and I'm afraid she's right and I can't be saved and I'm damn near evol and that's why I'm not changing or love God like everyone else. I'm really afraid honestly but still mad though.

I do reach out when it comes to assistance. I have the basic government stuff .. I just feel the help isn't too much. I'm doing therapy but I don't feel it's doing much. I have a friend who's also going through stuff alone but she's in a different state. People have their own lives and are just busy. I have to just push thru

I do have government assistance but they only assist so much I got 3 times for government funded daycare but I'm trying again ...as for church people have their own lives.. I just don't have friends or family like that which is what I'd need.

What support group?

I feel like I'm not like most Christians I don't even think I can call myself that anymore.. it seems when they go through a downward period or trial they cling to God. I do thr opposite. It seems my issues are cyclical and there isn't much of a rest period it's like the bs keeps coming. If one good thing happens 12 bad things follow shortly after. Even tho I passed my TEAS entrance exam, I got into an accident . It totaled my car. I'm without transportation. I needed help from my family to get my kids to and from school especially my son that has autism.. he missed 3 days in a row and is kicked out. It took me a whole year to get him into the program. I was behind on my daughters daycare bc it cost too much and they kicked her out as well. She tells me she misses school and she regressed with potty training she was fully trained and now she has accidents. My family that was living with me. My mom left before giving me her half of the rent.. which leaves me short. My brother was also behind on his half which means I'll have to go to court while also trying to work. Depression is creeping in and I feel upset, angry. Angry at God and it makes want to stop all of this. Stop believing and go my own way and do my own thing bc I can't seem to not hate Gid when I'm going through a trial or even do the basic which is trust Him. I'm just so angry with him and I k ow it's wrong but I want to give up.

It's not?