Figure of eighty

On 4/20/2024 at 3:53 PM, Charlie744 said:

Hope you are not offended in any way… and you can be sure that millions upon millions have been exactly where you are right now and CERTAINLY EVEN MUCH WORSE!!!!!!!!

You are quite able to articulate your situation and express the pain, the frustration, the unknowing, the lack of support, the true lack of peace, and of course, the anger that comes along with all of this. 
 

You are also an intelligent individual who is able to reach out and receive and even accept the true and wonderful comments, suggestions, and advice from those folks within this forum that have responded to your situation. 

However, you are now within a situation that almost all people will / have found themselves in … whether it is a financial crisis, a medical issue, legal concerns, drugs, abuse, poverty…. or any combination of these…. There is nothing new under the sun. 
 

You have responded in very kind ways to the comments and suggestions offered here, but there is a very noticeable (my opinion) reaction from you… and please believe me, EVERYONE has had to go through this to some degree (some will never leave this stage, some will have to continue falling down into the hole, some will respond as though they have just had a large bucket of very cold water on them and realized - ENOUGH, they are right, ENOUGH WITH THIS WAY OF LIFE AND I DO NOT WANT IT ANYMORE!

It is NOT your circumstances that will take you down and down and even further down, it is your continuation to look for help from anyone other than the One that can and will help you. 
 

Today’s responses by the wonderful, caring folks will / may provide you with some relief or give you a pleasant feeling knowing others are sympathetic, but this is all short term to you. An hour from now, you will have moved back to your previous position of … all those things you are used to feeling.

The bottom line is that you are NOT going to find a quick fix or the right set of actions or steps to take to stop your state of mind and your continued falling down that dark hole… 

The ONLY solution you have to experience what you are looking for … in every way, is to ask yourself just how long and how much YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT THIS STATE YOU ARE IN. It will not be resolved with a check for XXX dollars, it will not be resolved with a brand new job, it will not be resolved by ANYTHING OTHER THAN DECIDING YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH AND LOOK UP TO YOUR GOD AND TELL HIM YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH AND YOU PLACE EVERYTHING (EVERYTHING - NO MORE OF YOUR “buts”) IN HIS CARE. 
 

This is NOT an easy thing to do!!! In fact, for most people, it is easy to say, easy to agree with, but almost impossible for most to actually do.  But once you COMPLETELY / SINCERELY/ give Him the keys to the car and turn your heart and mind over to Him, you will know it was the right and only decision you could and should have made. Don’t continue to look and search the “how’s and ‘why’s” and the “when” each of your issues or problems will be resolved… they are not there and NO ONE can give them to you! 
 

Again, I can assure you, it will be an easy thing to hear from others, it will be received by you calmly, but it will be the most difficult decision to do… to truly let go and let God. 
 

Ask yourself just how long you think you want to continue doing and living this life as you have been doing… when you have had enough, God WILL BE THERE FOR YOU… you must want to abandon this life as you know it. Don’t look for solutions, look only to Him!
 

I hope this does not sound too harsh or without substance! You DO HAVE THE ANSWER… you just don’t believe it can be so.

God bless always, Charlie 

 

 

Not harsh at all. Don't worry about offending me. Your answer as well as others is what I needed to hear. Thank you all for the kind replies. 

On 4/18/2024 at 8:29 PM, Debp said:

Do you realize that walking with the Lord is a life of peace and even joy throughout hard times?   Sometimes we might not have overwhelming joy, but inside we still have peace.

Jesus said His yoke is easy and His burden is light.   You talk about striving... although we do want to live godly in Christ, to me it isn't about striving.   It's about resting in Jesus and walking with Him....a life of peace.    A good life, away from the troubles that sin brings.

How do you rest when you have worries like rent and school ect?

15 hours ago, Tristen said:

God is not "mad" at you.

Or do you really think you surprised God into an emotional reaction?

God knew exactly what He was getting with you - and He loved you anyway - with a love beyond comprehension. If your feelings tell you otherwise, then your feelings are lying to you. It is your responsibility to make a decision to trust what God's Word tells us, and to reject the lies of your feelings.

Forget about what other Christians appear to be doing. They either will go through, or already have gone through, an experience similar to yours. Your walk with God is your own.

And forget about striving to be anyone other than yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others. Just get to know God. Talk to Him about what is on your mind - honestly. Let Him speak to you through His Word, through sermons, through circumstances etc.. No pressure. 

Constant striving puts out the flame in many Christians. Fellowship with God is not a chore, but relationship. You talk when you have something to say, and God talks when He has something to say. Otherwise, you can simply enjoy each other's company. 

If you think you are too angry or lax, talk to God about it. God's kingdom is "righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit". If you don't have that, ask God how to get hold of it. It's not supposed to be rocket surgery 😊 .

Thank you. This makes me feel better knowing God knew what he was getting with me. 

On 4/17/2024 at 2:40 AM, ladypeartree said:

Sad not mad  is what I have no doubt God feels at the moment You say you dont want to give up control so lets be honest here ................. God says no sex before marriage so you took control and had a child with someone you didnt even stay with  Did God get mad ? NO He made sure you had a roof over your head and food to eat and some help with your child  BUT it was not the perfect paradise you wanted control of SOOOOO You did it again and had another child with another person you didnt marry or stay with so YOU are in control NOT God  Am I judging you ? NO I have a granddaughter that has done the same thing and she too likes to be IN CONTROL of her life ...it is HER choice and between her and God just as it is your choice in in YOUR control YET you both feel that God should be doing more for you , should be making your lives easier because by making YOUR OWN CHOICES and being IN CONTROL OF YOUR POWN LIVES you have made your lives more difficult and harder  so who do you blame for this ??? Yourself and your control issues ??? NOOOO you both think it is God being mean to you 

Instead of being on your knees and weeping for joy that GOD has given you two healthy children  you blame HIM because YOUR choices have not brought you the control and happiness you think you are entitled to

Perhaps you do have a problem but it is NOT because God  doesnt care about you it is because YOU dont care about anyone BUT you . I understand you are depressed and it is an illness and I understand you feel overwhelmed at time and tired ( I had 4 very young children and escaped from a violent husband  and was left to work and care for them and try to maker a better life for us all so YES I DO KNOW HOW HARD IT IS ) Yet never did I contemplate killing myself as the easy way out and leaving them to face what I couldn't .YOU HAVE THE CHOICES AND CONTROL NOT THEM   they didnt ask to be born nor do they have ANY control 

Does you post offend me ?? NO I just feel sorry for you and will continue to pray for you but it is time to grow up and learn to live with the results of YOUR choices' and control of situations and maybe learn to make better choices or hand over that control to God who cant make things worse than YOU have done  but will not just wave a magic wand and make your consequences disappear  We ALL make bad choices at times and we all have to live with the consequences of those choices but with Gods grace if we humble ourselves before Him and ask for His help and guidance ( and I dont mean just make public  gestures and think thats all we need ) He gives us the strength and the grace to get through the valleys in life and back to the hill tops were we can give praise and thanks to HIM 

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but when I have those *S* thoughts I'm not willing it. I want to be here and be with my kids. Mental health is a discussion for another topic but I am working hard to provide a better life for my kids. When I have road blocks that's where my anger comes from bc I am trying really hard. 

I am thankful to God I have healthy kids. Everything else you said was spot on.

So I've come to realize I have a problem.  Not talking about the menta stuff but I truly feel I don't have a heart for God and I don't care. 

I've been baptized twice and I just idk I don't care. I get angry and mad at God. I know I shouldn't but I feel like God doesn't care much about me, doesn't want to see me happy and just keeps me in isolation purposefully. 

I just know I'm not like other Christians who strive to please God. I'm just mad at him, I also feel afraid of being a mindless bot bc that's happened to my brother and I don't want to give up control. I know I'm in a bad place bc I had a dream last night ( which is prompting this thread)  I dreamt I was at church and it was during a sermon-- I was sitting in the pews my aunt that's a pastor said let anyone or thing that doesn't love God flee this place. I got nervous but stayed. After service my aunt confronted me and asked if I had anything I wanted to repent from? 

So I felt like God was talking to me. So I did repent but I get angry often and quick bc of my mental issues bc I'm struggling with them and I'm alone and I feel like I wish God would help with that.. 

But yeah, I know this isn't a popular stance to have but I need help changing my heart but I feel a bit lackadaisical  about it and I don't want to let go of control. I'm just being honest again sorry if this offends anyone. I just don't know what to do. Also prob my mental issue flaring up but I feel God is mad at me now...

7 minutes ago, AnOrangeCat said:

I agree with Charlie744. Not to sound discouraging but to share a bit of personal experience with the mental health profession I went to a clinic once years ago. I was a wreck and was also contemplating ending my life. They put me through three separate people to screen me and concluded I wasn't bad off enough so they put me on a waiting list. I heard back from them, and they just asked if I still wanted to be on their waiting list. It was unreal. My take home is that you have to both tell the docs and screening people what it's like at its worst and then you have to make them believe you're legit. Being composed worked against me, and when I started letting it all out I had better results.

I'm gonna message you.

18 minutes ago, Charlie744 said:

Go into a quiet place by yourself. Sit there until you begin to cry. And don’t stop crying and don’t try to stop crying… 

You will come to an end and then simply look up and thank God for everything He has given you. Tell Him you need Him and to never leave you. Don’t you know that He wanted to give you life? Ask Him why He chose to give you life—- what was / is so special to Him that He had to create you?

He is always with you. God bless. 

This is very sweet. I'll try to do this hen I can.

20 minutes ago, RdJ said:

I hope you can find a church where they can help you and pray for you.

Maybe watch a video on youtube called Jesus is always with you. Can't link it here.

 

I do have a church. A girl came to my place and everything but it hasn't helped. I just wish God woul literally stop waking me up. 

My brain is broken and I feel like a failure as a mom and in general. 

My very last hope is medication. If this doesn't work then I'm truly a lost cause. 

I feel so angry at myself that I can't suck this crap up and keep going. Others go through much much worse and still able to go on. I'm really mad at myself. 

I do hope God is really forgiving bc I'm trying not to do "S" but I can't will mental illness away unfortunately.  Hopefully he forgives. 

I'm hanging on a thread.

I feel a slew of emotions from deep sadness to anger that I just can't shake this mental whatever off. 

I feel I'm too busy.  I have kids, I'm trying to study for school but I just feel like crying daily bc I can't get rid of this. These rhoughts,feelings ect. 

I try to atleast keep myself from crying bc I feel if I'm not crying I'm not crazy and I'm keeping it together. 

Right now I'm having a hard time. I feel like a failure as a mother, too many intrusive thoughts,I feel hopeless, I feel God won't help. I just feel like a lost cause.

I already reached out to my Dr.  She Said someone was gonna reach out to me-- hasn't happened.  So I tried to reach out to them. Email is messed up. Will call. I just feel like a failure. 

I'm trying but it doesn't seem good enough. I feel like I'm just a moment of splitting from reality. 

I'm ashamed I may need meds. I'm ashamed I'm alone and been alone and friendless my entire life. 

I feel hopeless bc I feel God won't help. I feel he's just looking at me wanting for me to lose then blame me for not holding on. 

I feel hopeless. 

I just feel God won't help me. My worst fear is the S word and I feel God wouldn't even try to stop me. 

I just feel he doesn't care about my life. 

I just feel small and unimportsnt to most.  

My brain is broken . 

I need assistance but I'm. Mot sure where to start. 

I'm trying though

5 hours ago, FJK said:

FWIW. a couple of days ago I read about a Stanford study that indicates a Ketogenic diet may have therapeutic effects on severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorders.

You can find the study reported on the Stanford medicine news center.

Don't know if this is of any use in your case but it wouldn't hurt to consider it along with other medical approaches.

I called a clinic. Hopefully I can get meds sion

Thank you all. Trying to do what I can.

Idk if my insurance is any good. But I have a list if resources I will try tommorow to get help. 

I just pray God doesn't let me go. Trusting God through mental illness is very scary. It's literally moment by moment. 

Some moments I feel confident and brave and others feel like it may be my last moment which is scary. 

Please pray I'll pull through and that God heals me 

4 hours ago, ladypeartree said:

You may want to give up on God but THANK GOD HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON YOU 

 

Not sure how or why you think your life would be better without God in it . It is NOT Gods  place or promise to give you everything you think you want or need  but to be with you as you walk through the valley  Praying for you to find some peace and help 

Yeah thank God for that. I was able to go to church. I was really late but the message was needed, basically the story about Lazarus who died and Martha and Mary were urging Jesus to come as he was sick but instead he delayed 2 days. However when he came he was able to bring him to life again. The pastor said God isn't on our time table but when he does come he's always on time. 

The message was timely and true but I cant stop worrying about my situation. 

3 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I often feel the same. I just turn to God with everything. 

I often feel like walking away from the faith but the only thing that stops me is knowing that it's true. Jesus is Lord. I can't unknow what I know. I just cling on for dear life and trust that there's some point to it all somewhere and that God has got me, whether I feel it or not. 

I can't unknow what I know too

Aside from losing my job, losing daycare,being robbed,mental health health failing, behind on bills, tax refund delayed, there was a fire situation at my apt. I wanted to go to church today but couldnt..

I need so much help and I feel God is not doing anything. I'm losing faith in him and am ready to just turn away and live my own life if I don't get help soon. 

Im not asking for riches qnd fortune I just need help. 

On 3/26/2024 at 8:28 PM, Dawn1974 said:

Hi, just checking to see how are you holding up? I pray that everything will fall into place. In Jesus name I Pray. amen

I'm having a hard time tonight bad su* thoughts and images. I feel hopeless. I talked to a friend of mine that has schizophrenia and she said even with her meds it took 6 whole months to kick in. I asked her what did she do while she waited for them to work. She said she was in and out of the mental hospital. 

I have 2 kids. I can't be in anf out. Also I lost my job. They fired me for no reason, rent is due, my car notdon't. Ebt card has yet to come in the mail running out of food need to go to a pantry, i need gas but my last check has to go twds rent,so many bills. I'm trying not to cry. My tax refund has been delayed for about 2 months already. My brakes are bad on my car. I wish I could disappear completely.  I HATE God wakes me up daily for the same bs. I Hate this. I'm trying not to hate God. Because I need help and he's DOING NOTHING 

I'm trying to hang in there. I got rebaptized and everything last Sunday. I still feel the same. Still feel depression ect. 

I'm trying not to give up but this feels overwhelming and I don't know what to do. I dont. 

All I get from God is silence despite me already being isolated. 

I just feel hopeless.

7 hours ago, Jayne said:

What if they could find you some help?  As a teacher over the years, I've been a shoulder to a lot of mothers and fathers who just are having a hard time coping.  What if they could do something?

Eh. I just don't want to share something personal like that with them. I already have someone from church coming over for a Bible study and I shared alot with her that I'm embarrassed about. I talked to an online friend. She said she doesn't deal with depression anymore bc of her medication. I definitely need some.

44 minutes ago, Jayne said:

@Figure of eighty

THIS!! ^^

This is the first thing that came to my mind.  Spiritual fasting does NO good if one is in poor mental, spiritual, or physical health.

Please tell SOMEONE in real life how you are feeling.  Please start with your children's teachers, fellow parents, your doctor, or a woman's clinic/center/safe house.  Tell someone!!

What could my daughters teachers do? My sons therapists are already fed up with me being late and everyone has their own lives. I tried my GP but I cant get an apt. I'll try a low cost women's clinic. I feel I may need medication possibly.

9 hours ago, Marathoner said:

Did you fail to complete the paperwork needed to maintain enrollment? You have young children, so Medicaid won't expire without something lacking on your end. Contact the equivalent of health and human services in your city or county so you can reenroll ASAP.
 

This is what makes you subject to anxiety attacks and severe depression. Insomnia does that. I ought to know because I've lived with all three for over 40 years. You need to sleep. If you don't get adequate sleep, your mental health will continue to degrade and get worse until a crisis happens. 
 

You have received an answer: lack of sleep makes it worse. You need to sleep. Proper sleep restores resiliency; resilience prevents anxiety and depression from mastering you and robbing you of everything. 
 

The last thing you need to do is deprive yourself of food. This, coupled with insomnia, is a recipe for disaster. You need to eat and sleep, my friend. I'm praying that you'll receive what has been set in front of you to do. 

Sleep doesn't help much. I'm fully rested and still anxious and struggling. I'm calling out of work tonight because of it. Also bc of my obligations. I have bills to pay and kids to care for. I don't have help. I don't have anyone. I just don't. 

So I have to work the way I do to maintain everything I do have. I have to get my kids to school as soon as I get off work which means no sleep for me. 

It just is what it is.  I feel if anything the lack of help and people to lean on is what causes this feeling of anxiety the most. My family is toxic and self centered so I had to cut them off for my well being but I feel more alone than ever. I'm starting to think maybe I truly need to focus and put effort into making friends and meeting people so I can have the village I need. Isolation I feel has probably caused alot of the problems I'm  dealing with now. 

I've heard God's voice clearest when I'm in church. 

So I'm going to fast. My medicaid lapsed to I can't be seen by my GP. I worked last night and been up since 3a, had to drink energy drinks to stay awake and take kids to school. 

I thought I'd be able to get a little sleep but my son has a parent training meeting for his autism at 11:30a so I have to stay awake for that. 

I don't know if I'll be able to get any sleep but my mental health is dipping and I need God to help and answer me. Please pray he will take the anxiety and su*** thoughts away bc I can't make it any other way. 

Also what should I do during a fast it's been a while.

11 hours ago, Jayne said:

The first time, I wasn't praying for God to take it away.  I WANTED to die.  But God,  without my turning to him, took the desire away from me.  He was very merciful.

The second, I actually had a pistol that my Dad had given me and planned the entire thing out very meticulously.  I spent quite some time planning out details so that my parents wouldn't find me - that someone else would. I won't go into more detail, but it was meticulous.

Again, I was NOT praying for God to take it away.  I had not a compassionate bone in my body.  I never thought about the fact that:

[1] If God wanted me in heaven with him - he would have taken me.  A car crash, an illness, whatever.  But as long as I have breath now, I KNOW that, accept it, and listen to God for direction.

[2]  My father would never forgive himself for giving me the pistol for self-defense.  Neither he nor my mother would forgive themselves for not picking up on signs and clues.  In my selfishness, I was CAREFUL to leave no signs.

[3]  I never gave a thought to the fact that I would have to take care of my disabled brother after my parent's deaths.  All I could think of was my own "needs" [trust me, no one needs suicide] and how wonderful it would be not to feel anything anymore.  It never dawned on me that there was NO ONE to take care of him after my parents died.  I shudder today to think of where he might be if I were not here.

At the time, Figure of eighty, I prayed nothing.  I was too far gone in my pit of selfishness, bitterness, self-hatred, and spiritual despair.

But I am praying for YOU!!!

And if you don't have the words to say to God, ask the Holy Spirit to pray for you.  He will. The Bible says so in Romans 8:26-27.  It says that in our weaknesses, the Holy Spirit prays for us in groaning that we cannot understand.

If you want the words?  Pray for God to deliver you from suicidal thoughts and cravings. Ask God to help you with your thoughts and wishes of your heart that they will be Godly thoughts and desires.

Also,  and I can't remember where you live, but in the United States, all you have to do is to dial 988 and  you will be connected to a suicide hotline.

Yes, I am praying for you and will continue.

 

 

 

 

Thank you. I totally feel everything you felt. I hope God is merciful towards me and takes the thoughts away they're hard to deal with. I can't do inpatient treatment bc I have kids that need me and bills that need to be paid. 

I can only hope and pray God doesn't let me slip through the cracks. I called my GP but I think my medicaid has expired. I don't have enough money for out of pocket visits. I'm really worried and scared. I'm scared there's no hope for me and I'll just succumb to these thoughts. I'm so afraid God won't help me. 

I feel I have to twist his arm to care about me. Which worries me.

On 3/8/2024 at 5:07 PM, RdJ said:

Did you get different meds? I know prozac has it as a side effect. I did an attempt when they put me on prozac.

That's scary :/. I'm worried now

On 3/8/2024 at 4:27 PM, Jayne said:

I've been at the point of suicide twice.  God would not allow me to go throw with it even though I had basically planned it all out.  Twice.

God took those thoughts away from me. I WILL pray that he shows you the source of those thoughts and that he takes them away. 

If a person has never gone through it - they don't know the horridness of it.

Yes it's very scary. I pray God takes the thoughts from me too. Please pray God helps me. I'm Also thinking of meds. Just please keep me in prayer..I'm having a hard night at work. 

Aldo how did God stop you? What did u pray for God to take the thoughts away?

So ive already been transparent about my struggle with intrusive su**** thoughts. 

I'm praying but not getting anywhere. I want to make an appointment with my GP but I get off late like 3a, have to get kids ready, by time I drop them off and come back I'm wiped out and exhausted. 

Anyway, I recognized these are definitely not my thoughts. I've never struggled with depression or even had an attempt...so all of this is so weird to me. 

Please pray God helps me identify this.