Figure of eighty

On 4/12/2023 at 9:31 PM, Marathoner said:

I'm not aware of your psychiatric troubles so I cannot comment on that, my friend. Generally speaking, if you suffer from Bipolar Disorder (either type)... Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder... Borderline Personality Disorder... or something similar to these, then medication may indeed be helpful for you. As for weight gain, bear in mind that medications themselves don't cause you to gain weight; some stimulate the appetite, and so eating more food than normal is the cause behind weight gain. 

You don't have to force yourself to be anyone other than who you are, @Figure of eighty. I understand this runs afoul of what some preach and teach but we suffer from affliction on this earth, and it pleases the Lord that we do. I've lived with major depressive disorder for most of my life --- it began when I was 11 years old --- and I'm the odd one out in my family of flesh and blood. I have three siblings, and all three suffer from Bipolar Disorder (type 2). Medication helps them, but it never worked for me. Major depression, much like other mood disorders, varies in severity and expression. Medication had no effect upon me whatsoever. 

My eleventh birthday is the benchmark, for that's when adolescence started. I attempted suicide that year and continued attempting suicide throughout my teens (many failed attempts). I was amazed at what happened when I enlisted in the U.S. Army: I found something to pour myself into that had nothing to do with me. I focused upon my duty as a soldier and while I was in, I never suffered from those suicidal impulses that plagued my youth. The military was a blessed relief in many ways. I escaped the grasp of my parents and for a while, I escaped the most severe aspect of major depressive disorder. 

After I was honorably discharged, those suicidal ideations returned with a vengeance. Ah, but then the Lord called to me, and He gave me something to pour myself into that had nothing to do with me. I continued to suffer and He promised that one day, He would deliver me from the power of major depressive disorder...

Which He did, only it was over twenty years later. I almost died from a rare genetic illness, Figure of eighty. I sustained brain damage during that ordeal and when the Lord healed me, returning me to health, He also rejuvenated those areas of the brain that were infected. That's when it happened, and that's when the Lord delivered me from those suicidal ideations/impulses. They were gone and never returned. 

Remnants of depression remain, and so the Spirit teaches me how to place one foot in front of the other every day. If I forget, the Lord reminds me; and I do indeed forget at times. He is faithful to remind me that I am no longer under the power of major depressive disorder. At no time has the Lord called upon me to be anyone other than who I am... not now, and not in the past. What does He say? I created you; why are you ashamed? We are His overcomers, my friend. 

There's no shame in medical treatment. If that's what you need, then lean into it with no misgivings. 

Wow. You are amazing to get through all of that.

Hello. So I'm back again and I want to thank you guys for keeping me in your prayers about my previous situation. 

Now I feel I have another thing to deal with now. I've been struggling with my mental health. Some days are okay and others like today have me really on edge. Sometimes I feel it's a bit normal as I'm a single mom of 2 toddlers and I'm going through a break up with my BD but it's really triggering deep insecurities. 

I'm doing therapy but it's once a week and I feel perhaps I need medication bc I feel very alone with my kids and them being needy and demanding...then dealing with the break up and all of these dark and heavy thoughts.  

It feels overwhelming. I wish I could force myself to be normal but I can't. 

I know God wants us to include him in everything so how do I do that while I treat myself as well? 

Also how do I get over the fear of meds? I'm afraid I won't be myself or ill gain alot of weight.. 

Yes. Thank you all for everything. 

I wanted you post an update. I was able to move. I'm now in a townhome with my kids. I'm so grateful.. I'm so thankful. I thanked God. 

I'm still struggling with anxiety as it's just me and my kids and it's alot.. so if you could please keep me in your prayers. 

But the load is a bit lighter.

On 1/15/2023 at 2:24 PM, Jayne said:

Since you have been here for the last four and 1/2 years, you have been very critical of your family and your two baby daddies.  It sounds like with just cause.  I get that.

But you have also constantly been critical of God.  That, I don't get.

You are so consumed with your bad life that you blame God for it all and you have set yourself up as his judge.  Many, many of your threads are blaming God.

No wonder you don't hear from him.  He may be speaking, but your heart and mind are too cluttered with depressive thoughts and condemnation of God that you can't hear him.

Listen, I understand that two toddlers with no help is hectic.  BUT,  BUT, BUT if you have time to get on the computer and complain about God, then you have time to pray TO him and read the Bible, his Word to you.

I still pray for you. 

Romans 12:1-2 speaks of renewing your mind.  Unclutter it.

 

I didn't see the top portion of your thread so I will reply. I agree some of what I'm going through are consequences of my own actions but there are people have made my same choices and worse having more kids than I but are still able to achieve and aren't railroaded and the main difference is the fact that they have support where as I don't. I don't think my parents treating me poorly is a consequence of having kids when some other single parents don't endure the same. It's just a reflection of my parents. If that's the case then all single parents would struggle and we all don't the major factor that decides that is support. 

I think consequences of single parenthood is the lack of sleep and sacrifices but being treated like garbage definitely isn't one. Neither is losing everything back to back from your job,car and everything else. I know a single mom that has a good ,job, home and car ect... so if it was a consequence of being a single parent then every single parent would be destitute but that's not the case. 

Also like I was saying. I am trying.. it would be different if I weren't then I'd understand why my situation is the way it is. It seems the harder I try to find my way out the more blocked off I am. 

You are right I have been super critical of God bc I was just trying to take care of my family ( my kids) so I don't know why everything was taken from me. I also kind of forgot about the trials well face in our lives as I got caught up aith day to day life and just got really frustrated nothing was working. 

Now that I was forced to stop I'm more introspective and trying to incorporate God in my life. I'm gonna try and make the prayer line conversation a daily or weekly thing.. 

Bc I can't even go to church and it was nice to talk to someone that's also a believer.

18 hours ago, Marathoner said:

The Lord was silent toward me for many years, @Figure of eighty. I didn't know nor understand why, and I fell into believing that He despised me. I was wrong. 

It was necessary for me to endure trials and tribulations and while these were going on, it was agonizing to say the least. I lost everything and had no home. I wandered aimlessly. I was cast out over and over again. 

It wasn't until those trials and tribulations reached their conclusion that the Lord spoke to me at last. There came a day when I understood the necessity of what I endured, and that's behind me now. I seek to encourage you, so you'll know that you're not the only one. Many of us have suffered hard things, and some of us still do. 

The Lord has not forgotten you, nor does He despise you. 

Thank you. I'm glad someone understands what I'm going through. What did God say when he finally did speak? 

Thanks for saying he doesn't despise me. I got off the phone from a prayer line and the lady I prayed with helped. She helped me not to feel crazy. 

On 1/15/2023 at 2:24 PM, Jayne said:

Since you have been here for the last four and 1/2 years, you have been very critical of your family and your two baby daddies.  It sounds like with just cause.  I get that.

But you have also constantly been critical of God.  That, I don't get.

You are so consumed with your bad life that you blame God for it all and you have set yourself up as his judge.  Many, many of your threads are blaming God.

No wonder you don't hear from him.  He may be speaking, but your heart and mind are too cluttered with depressive thoughts and condemnation of God that you can't hear him.

Listen, I understand that two toddlers with no help is hectic.  BUT,  BUT, BUT if you have time to get on the computer and complain about God, then you have time to pray TO him and read the Bible, his Word to you.

I still pray for you. 

Romans 12:1-2 speaks of renewing your mind.  Unclutter it.

 

Yeah your are right. I'm trying to pray more said a prayer today. Gonna look for a prayer line. 

On 1/15/2023 at 11:00 AM, Amigo42 said:

 

Hi @Figure of eighty I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  I know it's tough living in this life sometimes.  It seems like everyone goes through it at times.  However, be encouraged that you're not truly alone even though it can feel that way sometimes.  Sometimes God, angels, and what some people call guides speak to us all the time.  If you've ever had a strong inclination, idea, thought in a time of need or distress, and even during your daily life, in a lot of these cases, these are these beings attempting to guide you.  Sometimes it's the most simplest things that God uses to speak to us that people so often ignore.  Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open for these little moments that don't seem like much but can be God speaking.  Sometimes God speaks by putting roadblocks in our path to keep us from a certain direction.  For example, one may be about to make a decision that they shouldn't, and they suddenly realize they left their keys at home.  That may not seem like much, but believe that's how God speaks to us.  It's not always some grand display that we may expect.

I don't recommend that you harm yourself as that could set back your spiritual development in terms of your soul and it could have a ripple effect on your children and family.  People are shown these things during their life review which takes place after death on the spiritual plane.

This is very true. After alot of time thinking and being in this situation I truly feel maybe there is something to be learned in this situation. I just don't know what just praying for spiritual guidance and not to lose it mentally all in the process.

On 1/12/2023 at 12:16 PM, OneLight said:

I don't have any specific number for prayers, but we do have this:  Worthy Prayer Team @ https://worthyprayerteam.com/.

I also will say again that if your plans are not working out, look for what He is trying to do in your life.  God is somewhere in your circumstances trying to get your attention, I promise.

I just don't see anything being done. I lost my job, daycare for the kids, I have no car. I really don't see anything working out.

So I told an aunt about my situation. Not being treated well at home and my kids father not being the best person to live with and having everything taking from...job ,car,daycare...mental health deteriorating. 

She said she thinks Gid is trying to get my attention...but he isn't saying anything. I can't pray much bc my kids are always on the move and I struggle with depression sui* thoughts and self harm .... 

But God is silent. Why do I have to play a guessing game? I feel God left me for dead. He seems to be just as harsh as my parents. 

On 1/10/2023 at 3:47 PM, Marilyn C said:

Hi FO8O,

Yes, I hear, life is difficult. Life is damaged and people ae damaged. Some people are worse off than us while others seem better. And we ask, "Why doesn`t God fix it or even just make my life better?" I hear you. And I`m sure we`ve all succumbed to venting at times. We want God to be say, Father Christmas, or the good fairy, or just a benevolent, kindly old father. But of course He is not. 

Well, you may ask, "What is He doing, as it seems I`m off His radar." I certainly hear you there. It can be very frustrating for it seems logical to us that God should be looking after us as we think He should. I need this, this and the other. It`s obvious, so why ...nothing?

Ah, glad you asked. But are we ready for the answer? 

God does NOT have our health, our happiness, our success at the top of His list, (as it were). No! He has our ATTITUDE as the prime focus of His attention. How we are in our attitude is how we will be for ...ever. Thus it is very, very important for us to attend to that. But, you see, we can all look at circumstances, (which can be terrible) or look at others or even blame God Himself. But God knows our weaknesses that trip us up and He is attending to those.

So, we can all get into a big, painful hole of our own making, but not realise it. The hole is - being unthankful, unloving,.....(see the list in 2 Tim. 2: 3: 1 - 5). We may only have one of those, but that is enough for us to `have a form of godliness but deny it power.` (v.5) The power of God is there, but our attitude is blocking us from receiving anything from God.

Thus, may I suggest you, (like all of us do often daily) repent of such attitude/s and start by thanking God for - your salvation, your son, his love, food, shelter, strength, some health, .....etc

When we unblock our connection to God then the flow starts.

praying, Marilyn.

 

 

This is true and very real. God always has our faith at the top of the list. 

I just have such a tug o war going on. I feel like my daughter's father is trying. I want to believe in him and try to keep our little family intact. That's what I want but idk it's beenn 3yrs of mess but I want to believe the best in him. 

Thank you guys for not being tired with mem I'm really going through a trying confusing time.

Thanks for the replies.

On 1/10/2023 at 11:19 AM, OneLight said:

Good Morning @Figure of eighty

It sure does sound like you feel you are stuck between a rock and a hard place with life grinding down on you.  You may be surprised to know that there are many who have been in the same place, thinking nothing is going right and it's all because of "me".  In a way, that's usually the case, but what have we done?  Most of the time it's not something as obvious as a pet sin we continue to partake in that is separating us from God.  It could be as simple as us looking in the wrong places for answers or even in the wrong direction to find His hand moving.  From our prayers and simple logic, we are looking to see Him move in areas we think are the most important, all the while He is not where we are looking, but somewhere else in our lives trying to get our attention, but we fail to recognize His hand in our lives because we fail to see how important the little things are He is trying to show us is.  We have a tendency to see the larger issues and feel if these large issues are dealt with, then everything will be OK.  What we fail to see is all the small, minor issues that created the larger issues.  We want the large issue gone without considering it is the smaller issues that is the root to the larger issue.  The only simple example I can think of is finding out our car won't start so we cry out to God that our car is dead and ask Him to help us fix it when we failed to notice that the only problem with out car is the battery cable is loose.  Humans focus on the large picture all too often without looking at the smaller details for the answer.

That was a pretty long paragraph only to say that God is not always where we expect Him to be and that we are usually looking in the wrong places for answers.

I can only speak about my experience, so here's my past ... There was a time where I was trying to make a huge change in my life as I was an addict who just turned to the Lord and wanted to leave my past behind.  I was looking for all the promises people told me I would experience if I just followed God, give it all to Him.  During this time I was not alone as I had a wife and three kids.  I had lost my job, had no car, no money and ended up overusing the help from those who love us.  We ended up living in a large tent with all our belongings.  We were lucky that it was summer and it was warm, but I really didn't see that as a blessing.  All I saw was us in a tent with nothing to our name. 

You see, I expected God to perform one of His miracles and rescue us from the results of my past.  I had not idea how He would do that, so I found myself looking for some knight in shinning armor to swoop down and remove us from where we were to a safe house, find a great job and heal me from my addiction.  I even remember quoting scripture to Him as if I had to show Him His promises to me, like His promise of "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Of course, I had no idea what that really meant, only that it was said to me by another Christian as a promise from God and I could depend on Him to provide.

As I was looking for this miracle to happen, God was busy somewhere else in my life trying to get my attention so He could show me His way, what first needed to be changed in order for the rest to start falling into place.  There would be no knight in shinning armor, but instead, many many small adjustments He would bring me through so I could learn what His way was in my life and find that escape from my current living conditions.  It was a longer road than what I imagined it would be, but it was His answer to me, not what I thought should be done.

Changes come from many little things in life, not from huge leaps and bounds.  Where is God working in your life that you have not noticed?  He is working somewhere as He promised that He will never leave nor forsake us.  We just have to look for Him where He is, not where we want Him to be.

Hope this helps as I was moved to share this with you.

This was amazing to read. This is exactly how I feel. I feel very lost, mid life crisis like. I don't know what to do. 

I'm glad you mentioned having kids as I do. I just feel very directionless, I mean I have my own directions and plans but none of them are coming together. 

I just feel like I'm wasting time and I'm getting older and I hate that feeling.

But I really relate to this. I was close to quoting scripture tp God as well to remind him lol of his promises. 

If u have a number to a prayer line service I could use could you please drop it? I need prayer I feel really isolated.

I say God bc nothing can happen without his approval nothing. 

I've talked about this before but it's still on my mind as I'm still in my situation.  So I have kids and I was doing well, I had a job and a car  and all of that was gone in a couple months. My car broke down, I lost my job and I couldn't pay for daycare so my kids were kicked out. 

I feel this goes beyond just having kids as there's plenty of women in my shoes with more kids that have things situated. 

I'm stuck at home with toxic parents, that demean and ignore me daily, and it's just a cycle. Everyday I wake up I'm stuck inside with my kids, I can't take them out no where bc my car is gone. So I'm just stuck .

I've tried to apply for wfh jobs and no one responded. One job I thought I had ghosted me for 2 weeks. I was gonna use that to pay for daycare but it just fell through. 

It's not like I'm not trying. Even now I'm doing school online. 

I just wonder why did God not only take everything away but isn't speaking. I've tried praying and even fasting but I stopped bc I got depressed  and I felt like at this point I'm just twisting God's arm to care about my situation. 

I don't know what I did wrong except for try to take care of my 2 kids w/o zero help. 

I just don't know why God is isolating me. I have no friends, I can't even go to church bc I have no car. 

Idk why God is doing this. Just feels mean. I have no one to talk to ..it's just me and my thoughts and the mental aspect is getting to me. 

And also my son has autism. I love him regardless but it hits me in waves at times. I just wonder and hope he'll be functional. I hope he can enjoy life. Idk I just want my son to be happy and enjoy life to the fullest. 

Idk why all this is happening to me.

I watch videos on women who've had abortions some times and though they're broken God ofcourse forgives and not only that but he enhances their life. Some meet their husband's or go on to have more kids. 

I just wonder if I did the right thing bc I kept my kids. I thought I did the right thing... but maybe I didn't bc God himself is punishing/stopping me. 

Sorry I know I keep venting abt this but I'm just stuck and feel hopeless.

29 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

Dont just walk away RUN, You have two children to care for already do you want another and that one a full grown child who wants all the rewards and none of the responsibilities ????  Being a single mum is hard I had 4 under the age of 7 when I got away from an abusive husband and I am not going to tell you it is easy but it IS doable as long as you know it is YOUR responsibility until and unless whatever man you fall in love with 1, marries you  and 2 proves to be reliable BEFORE you start living together it is not called living in sin for nothing . If he is crafty enough to reduce his payments in that way what on earth makes you think he is a good role model for your children or a good partner for you ??/ YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE 

I agree. I will say he said he wanted to marry he said he always knew and brought it up multiple times in our relationship...BUT.. I can't t excuse all of his short comings. He isn't a good father or partner for that matter. I struggled alone and whenever I have disagreements with my parents he always takes their side then tells me not to get it misconstrued and that he has my back while throwing me under the bus. 

And yeah he was crafty he keeps telling me he didn't do it for court he did it bc he got into a fight with the supervisor.

This reason alone I can't marry him bc he's a liar and just kind of sorry.  Your hit the nail on the head. He wants all the rewards and none of the responsibilities.  

I'm going to tell him if he wants me to be with him ect then he needs to go back down to the office and let them modify the child support he slipped out of. 

If he doesn't do that then it's over and I'm sure he won't. So there's my out I guess. 

17 hours ago, Jayne said:

OK, my dear,  ..... you did ask.

I vote no on moving in with a man that you are still angry with and you are not married to.  He has proven nothing, excused himself for all his bad behavior, and I would not move in with him until he:

• showed me that he was a Christian man
• went with me to pre-marital Christian counseling [alot!]
• I saw the car and place to live with my own eyes
• showed me a wedding ring
• went to parenting classes with me [remember, he will be raising one child that is not his]
• I saw a difference in his behavior
• we walked down an aisle together and made vows together

I know that your life IS hard.  You've told us nothing but that since you've been here as of 2018.  And I am sorry.  We are all sorry. Truly.  I have prayed for you more times than you can imagine.

Of all the things you've said from the beginning, nothing about him has sounded responsible.

Jumping from a family who treats you like crap to a man who is just seemingly interested in sex just doesn't sound helpful to me.

I know that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and that life is hard for you.

Just please consider what I have said.

 

 

 

 

 

You are absolutely right. He only cares about himself. He had a savings and could've helped put his daughter in daycare but he chose to pay his own bills. I can't rely on him and I should've saw it all with my own eyes. Well I did but it was his friend's place and car. 

17 hours ago, AnOrangeCat said:

He seems unreliable. I'd personally be wary about him and take it slow unless you'd just prefer not to deal with him at all. If you haven't written him off entirely I think the best approach would probably be to see if he can fill the dad/significant other role from a distance before giving him the chance to do it up close, if that makes sense. But his track record isn't good or encouraging so I wouldn't get my hopes up in your position.

This makes alot of sense. I kept telling him that but he wants to be a family but I strongly feel it'll be me doing all the work while he just sits back and watches. So I probably will have to cut it off again.

So with my daughter's father. He didn't help me with our child. I lost all of my jobs c he wouldn't help watch her when my family wouldn't. He had money saved and still wouldn't put her in daycare when I asked him twice. He told me he had bills to pay. 

He quit his job 6 days before court just so he could pay the least in child support and he only pays 264 a mo th starting on the first of Jan. 

He would not leave me alone he kept crying and begging and pleading and bc of the harshness of my own family and feeling stuck.. I did. 

Now he just keeps telling me how well his job is going and how he will be moved up in position soon and I'm just stuck taking care of my kids waiting for CAPS ( gov funded daycare) to call me back for my interview. 

He said he would get a car and a place.. by Valentines. I'm still angry that he didn't help me when he could have and he kept making excuses and helping his mother over his daughter and me. 

Idk if I should depend on him. I'm trying to get out of my situation by doing everything possible but the situation isn't budging. Hopefully this new yr is my year. 

Anyway should I let it go and just try to have a life with him or no?

12 hours ago, BeyondET said:

It's helpful in my opinion at least to look at my life and compare it to other people in the world. In their country how they live and the opportunities people have and what if my life started somewhere else with quite less than all that where i am today. It usually helps me to say to myself hmm life could be alot worse.

Yeah but people could look at me and say atleast my life isn't like hers. I have nothing even though I'm trying so hard. 

19 hours ago, Not of the World said:

Please remember that your life is a gift from God.  Your children, whom I presume are everything to you, are gifts from God.  You are blessed in many ways that you probably don't realize.  I can't speak to your specific situation because I have not walked in your shoes but you are not alone in this struggle that we call "life".  This world is evil and cursed and, one day, it will cease to exist.  In the meantime, we are called by our creator to walk the narrow path prescribed by him and to flee from ungodliness.  We all have our cross to bear.  And please also remember that Jesus lived a very modest life, never sinned, never lied, and was tortured and executed at the age of 33 and he did absolutely nothing wrong.  Please remain faithful.  In the end, you will be glorified beyond anything that you can imagine.  

Revelation 21:4 ESV

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

I don't consider my life a blessing honestly.  I really dont know why I wake up each and every day. My friends ( online)  are succeeding and achieving meanwhile I keep getting dead ended. It's just hard. I love my kids but I don't want my life anymore if it's just going to be like this.

1 hour ago, Vine Abider said:

You don't need to change - that's His job to change you from within (where He lives).  Your job is to keep talking to Him and giving Him each of these things you're experiencing.  Tell Him that because of the things happening to you, that you don't understand and you think you don't love Him any more.  Be fully transparent with God.  He loves you and wants to hear from you - all the nitty/gritty good, bad & ugly!

And remember this order: 1. Fact  2. Faith  3. Feelings    The fact is He loves you regardless of what your feelings tell you!  Just keep speaking the facts - He loves you, He died for you, He will complete a good work in you.  That is faith.  Focus on facts first, regardless of your feelings, and eventually the feelings should catch up.

Thank you. This is a really good answer.

1 hour ago, AnOrangeCat said:

The Bible says no discipline is pleasant at the time. I don't think every bad thing that comes our way is necessarily a punishment. Some are just consequences or happenstance, but that isn't really pleasant when it doesn't go our way either. I've been practicing/training for a wfh job myself. Emotions run pretty high in it. It's been a solid reminder of the importance of keeping our eyes on the big picture and not caving in to frustration and other moods of the moment. In the Christian case the big picture is eternity.

Something someone else in the field has recommended is keeping an accountability partner (I haven't done this yet), keeping a journal to track successes, failures, and the moods behind them (just started and while it's not as detailed as he recommended I've found it useful for getting a bird's eye look at successes, failures, and identifying weak points), and rewarding yourself a bit for successes and building up good habits. Just don't be too down on yourself for the failures. Easy to be down on yourself over fails, especially if you're already predisposed to that, but at least in the line of work I want to get into some of the bad is inherently weeded out by cultivating the good so encouraging successes is typically more productive in the line of work I'm aiming for. Maybe some of that will be helpful to you.

Yeah I don't get my situation. Either way I'm in school since I don't think I'll be able to work like I need to bc of my credit transferring I'll be able to get an associates in less than a year and even sooner if I do full time but as excited as I am I'm just as down bc I'm afraid of bad stuff happening to stop me like it did last time.  I'm tired of being my family's punching bag and I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

12 hours ago, Wayne222 said:

I know for sure when bad things happen it hurts God and he feels for you. Our faith is tested. Don't fail the test. Satan told God if you take away good things from job and bad things things happen he will curse you to the face. So job was tested. If we are tested we should trust God loves us anyway. And wait on him. He will come through. 

Yes you're right. I'm embarrassed how I've responded. Idk what to do  right now. Reading this made me remember the tests and I keep playing into it instead of trusting. Idk how to change.

14 hours ago, BeyondET said:

Do you believe in adversaries

What do u meab?

12 hours ago, Not of the World said:

Please remember that your life is a gift from God.  Your children, whom I presume are everything to you, are gifts from God.  You are blessed in many ways that you probably don't realize.  I can't speak to your specific situation because I have not walked in your shoes but you are not alone in this struggle that we call "life".  This world is evil and cursed and, one day, it will cease to exist.  In the meantime, we are called by our creator to walk the narrow path prescribed by him and to flee from ungodliness.  We all have our cross to bear.  And please also remember that Jesus lived a very modest life, never sinned, never lied, and was tortured and executed at the age of 33 and he did absolutely nothing wrong.  Please remain faithful.  In the end, you will be glorified beyond anything that you can imagine.  

Revelation 21:4 ESV

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

That is true Jesus was treated horribly 

I know the title is shocking but I just don't think I love God anymore or like him much for that matter. 

Early this year things have been extremely rough. It took me months to find a job and when I found it I lost it as soon as I did and then my car broke down and my kids got kicked out of daycare. I was stuck and my dad would be really rude and disrespectful toward me calling me ugly, a dumb a**, talking about my daughter, calling me a h** .. crazy stuff. 

I even tried to do a WFH job and the job ghosted me, meaning I never got a start date and I messaged all the managers and emailed then and no responseded for a week and 4 days. 

Idk I feel stuck and I'm trying my best and I feel God is blocking me bc I've been trying f my hardest to simply take care of my kids and it's like he keeps taking my resources away. 

Which in turn just pushes me further away from Him. I find God hard to love bc he's keeping me in a toxic situation which means he approves of how I'm being treated and I have a problem with that.