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I am sure we have all walked through the valleys on our journey. The valley sounds as if it would be a place of rich nature, babbling brooks, peace ect........... However in our spiritual life, I have found the valley a place of great learning. Where your life is ripped opened, is raw & exposed ! A place where there is NO where to run nor hide except under the shadow of his wing. Torments, troubles, the trials we face, all help us become strong enough to climb to the tops of the mountains & feast @ God's table. A few scriptures then I'd like to share..... ISAIAH CHAPTER 43 But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. 3 For I am the LORD thy God, Psalm 23 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Λ

People are so tired of me not being able to be happy again after my husband (soon to be ex) victimized my kids and went to prison for a long time. I did all the right things then... turned him in, got us out of homelessness, pulled myself into working, got the kids in some therapy (they need more, but I'm out of time in our schedules.)... bought us a trailer home so it would be affordable living... And now, it's 18 months later and I'm worse than ever. I see my life as completely spent with no hope for the future. Almost 39, overweight, never been pretty or well liked, lost all my friends that were from my old life, work all the time, clean all the time, take care of kids all the time, bills, house issues, car issues, errands, homework, health issues, etc.... Every day is the same... day in, day out. There is very little of my life I can enjoy. I mean, I'm thankful I have a job that I can handle. I'm thankful that I managed to get us some kind of housing that isn't horrible. I'm thankful my kids are getting better slowly. I'm thankful they are around. But I miss wife-hood. I miss being in the passenger seat on long rides instead of the only adult in the car. I miss giving my heart and my emotions to my spouse. I miss contented times watching a movie and my feet casually propped on some one's lap. My love language is touch and time. I have no one to give me these things. I mean, I hug my kids and spend time with them, but that is me ministering to them. I know God is supposed to be enough for me, but at the same time, He is the one that created us man and woman and designed the desire in me to be a helpmate and wife. I'm really lonely, and that's not something that God is answering me about. I really want hugs and tender touches to tell me everything is going to be OK. I want some one to encourage me and hold me. This is the most devastating thing I've been through in my life and the very person I would have turned to and cried in their arms is the monster who abused us. There is no one else to get comfort from. I'm not getting it from the Holy Spirit ((I'm sure this is where folks interject that I must be blocking the spirit and be closed to His comfort.)) When I'm at church, I'm very social. I laugh and joke and visit with many of the older folk and the ladies. People keep telling me how wonderful I'm doing and how proud they are. However, I can't worship anymore. I can't answer personal questions about how I'm doing. I can easily still fall to a million pieces or run and hide for a while in a quiet room because inside, I still picture walking in front of a bus, driving into an oncoming train, jumping off bridges, and seeing what it would be like to start cutting. I know I wont, because I don't have a choice. I have children. I don't resent them... but I do feel like I don't have options or choices. I simply MUST continue and I think I do resent that. It's like a person with a horrible, debilitating, painful, fatal disease. I think some of them get to the point where all they want is some kind of end to their pain. But I don't have that option. I HAVE to keep living whether I want to or not. There is no help, no counselling, no medicines, nothing that I can get to help me. The real decision is in my heart. Can I accept this life I now live and stop dwelling in this self pity and self loathing I'm wrapped up in, or can I not? Can I be content and trust God and be OK with this new life, or will I always see him now as a bully that squashes us like stepping on ants? It's a plumb line. A final choice... acceptance of my lot in life or the desire to rise up against what I've always believed in and live a little. This constant loneliness, it's eating at me. I am awake right now, wishing I had some one to cuddle... to talk to... to watch tv with... to tell about my day. Some one that would listen to me talk about the kids, the home, the church, the neighbors... my dreams... There's no one. And there are probably not any dreams left to share anyway.