Just_Krissy

This is just the basics.. I don't have the business set up yet to have contact info and to confirm the name.

Oh my, all I want to do is hug you and cry with you. This must be so difficult to walk through. I know my (now ex) was similar, and he used that behavior to control me and in a way abuse me. In the long run, he ended up being even more wicked than I could ever imagine. We were married 15 years. I can understand how you can believe he is a Christian, and then he's not or something. My ex husband had even gone to a very Christ centered university and talked about wanting to be a youth pastor. He would talk with me in depth about the right way to raise our children... etc... and then he ended up abusing those very children behind my back for years!!! I had tried for 15 years to be a godly wife, and here I am signing papers for a divorce from a man that is now serving 12 years in prison after we had him arrested. NOT how I expected this to end.... So anyway, I'm sharing to just say that you are loved so dearly. People keep telling me that I'm loved... that God loves me. If I looked at my circumstances as a way to measure God's love, I would feel pretty disliked that is for sure.... but I'm so glad that circumstances in this world aren't what is real and true... because what is real and true is the love of the Father. On a practical note, I would suggest some good counsel in some form... a mentor or some one that has some experience with difficult marriages (from a Christian perspective)... At least it will help you through this and help you seek the Joy of the Lord in your circumstances. I love you sister.

I realize Just because Christ is in our life doesn't mean we aren't going to suddenly find our lives in desperate crisis. It rains on the just and the unjust. How many biblical stories had the heroes of the bible crying, questioning God, even wishing they were dead? I am supposed to be greater than them and not break down or have a hard time? Hannah wept before the Lord and people accused her of being drunk. Yet, she was not drunk and the Lord listened to her. I don't think that I'm sinning because I'm deeply hurting. However, I wonder if the people who scoffed at Hannah were doing the right thing? I AM putting my kids first. Every single moment they are awake, I'm putting them first. I'm putting them first by just being alive, by going to work every day, coming home trying to do the best for them, trying to raise them right despite the position we are in. I too feel sorry for my kids, but because of what their father did to us. I'm not the one at fault, I'm trying to recover as much as they are. I have no future left, but i'm busting my tail so they feel like they have one. I do nothing but work, chores, kids, juggle their schedules. I have no help with these things. There is no helpmate for me. I did the right thing. I was in a long term committed marrige, I was a good wife and mother, I obeyed the Lord. You aren't going to tear me down further by making me feel that this is my fault. I absolutely refuse to carry guilt for what he did to us. The moment my child told me, I removed the kids from the home and had him arrested. I full force flung myself into helping the investigators and doing everything I humanly could to protect my kids from what was going on around them. This post isn't about the kids, because I'm doing all i can for them. This post is about me, because I'm broken inside and hurting and need some help for me or else I'm going to hit a place where I can't do it anymore.

People are so tired of me not being able to be happy again after my husband (soon to be ex) victimized my kids and went to prison for a long time. I did all the right things then... turned him in, got us out of homelessness, pulled myself into working, got the kids in some therapy (they need more, but I'm out of time in our schedules.)... bought us a trailer home so it would be affordable living... And now, it's 18 months later and I'm worse than ever. I see my life as completely spent with no hope for the future. Almost 39, overweight, never been pretty or well liked, lost all my friends that were from my old life, work all the time, clean all the time, take care of kids all the time, bills, house issues, car issues, errands, homework, health issues, etc.... Every day is the same... day in, day out. There is very little of my life I can enjoy. I mean, I'm thankful I have a job that I can handle. I'm thankful that I managed to get us some kind of housing that isn't horrible. I'm thankful my kids are getting better slowly. I'm thankful they are around. But I miss wife-hood. I miss being in the passenger seat on long rides instead of the only adult in the car. I miss giving my heart and my emotions to my spouse. I miss contented times watching a movie and my feet casually propped on some one's lap. My love language is touch and time. I have no one to give me these things. I mean, I hug my kids and spend time with them, but that is me ministering to them. I know God is supposed to be enough for me, but at the same time, He is the one that created us man and woman and designed the desire in me to be a helpmate and wife. I'm really lonely, and that's not something that God is answering me about. I really want hugs and tender touches to tell me everything is going to be OK. I want some one to encourage me and hold me. This is the most devastating thing I've been through in my life and the very person I would have turned to and cried in their arms is the monster who abused us. There is no one else to get comfort from. I'm not getting it from the Holy Spirit ((I'm sure this is where folks interject that I must be blocking the spirit and be closed to His comfort.)) When I'm at church, I'm very social. I laugh and joke and visit with many of the older folk and the ladies. People keep telling me how wonderful I'm doing and how proud they are. However, I can't worship anymore. I can't answer personal questions about how I'm doing. I can easily still fall to a million pieces or run and hide for a while in a quiet room because inside, I still picture walking in front of a bus, driving into an oncoming train, jumping off bridges, and seeing what it would be like to start cutting. I know I wont, because I don't have a choice. I have children. I don't resent them... but I do feel like I don't have options or choices. I simply MUST continue and I think I do resent that. It's like a person with a horrible, debilitating, painful, fatal disease. I think some of them get to the point where all they want is some kind of end to their pain. But I don't have that option. I HAVE to keep living whether I want to or not. There is no help, no counselling, no medicines, nothing that I can get to help me. The real decision is in my heart. Can I accept this life I now live and stop dwelling in this self pity and self loathing I'm wrapped up in, or can I not? Can I be content and trust God and be OK with this new life, or will I always see him now as a bully that squashes us like stepping on ants? It's a plumb line. A final choice... acceptance of my lot in life or the desire to rise up against what I've always believed in and live a little. This constant loneliness, it's eating at me. I am awake right now, wishing I had some one to cuddle... to talk to... to watch tv with... to tell about my day. Some one that would listen to me talk about the kids, the home, the church, the neighbors... my dreams... There's no one. And there are probably not any dreams left to share anyway.

I was reading a Psalm recently. Psalm 81. I'm not the best at faithfully reading my bible, but this time God really pulled me deeply into it. Old testament, history, etc... things I'm not a very good student of. Add to that the Psalms, and you read a few, they start to feel like the same thing over....and over....and over... My attention focus impaired brain just doesn't usually follow either subject (history or the psalms) very well. This time, however, I followed all the extra notes and references and read the Psalm all the way through twice, then went back to each one and focused on each side note. God called me to examine it deeply. In it, I discovered God asked for two things (in this Psalm). First... to worship ONLY God, that there IS only one God. Second... that worship and praise is not optional. It's actually a statute or a command. It was for Israel, too. Continued reading reveals a bit about israel's history, it makes reference to the waters of Maribah where people were beginning to question God and to grumble and Moses and Aaron didn't obey completely either. It talks about how Israel DID not obey Him. Obey what? Well we know that God does ask some things of us, but in this passage, it seems like God is saying they didn't obey the two points above. They worshipped false God's and Idols, and they did not praise Him. It goes on to say that the results of obedience would have had a worldly impact (it specificially says then those who were against God would turn back cringing before God in my Amplified bible). It also said that Israel itself would have had all of it's needs provided for, comparing these provisions with honey flowing from rock and fine wheat. Instead, Israel spent years wandering in a desert and then MANY MORE years later on as slaves... all because mankind is disobedient of the most basic principles. Love ONLY God and prove it through your praises. So, when we praise, what can it affect? Whom can it affect? Sounds to me like Psalm 81 reveals that when we praise, we have national (even global) impact on those around us as well as provisions and blessings for ourselves. No wonder God commanded praise.