Guest LadyC Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 nathele gave some good advice... get yourself right with God and then follow where He leads... either into marriage or away from your fiancee. thing is, you can't continue living together and get right with God. separate for a while. moving out will clarify things for both of you. you'll be able to see more clearly what it is that you expect of each other, as well as what God expects of each of you, and then you'll be in a position where you can be led by the Holy Spirit in this decision rather than by your emotions. never trust your emotions... the bible says the heart will lie. if the Holy Spirit leads you back together, come together only in marriage... not before. of course, i'm not dictating what you must do, i'm just giving my opinion. but, at least this time i know that my advice is biblical and not a knee-jerk reaction of my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFP Posted December 22, 2009 Group: Senior Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 25 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 732 Content Per Day: 0.11 Reputation: 91 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/31/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/24/1969 Share Posted December 22, 2009 But nothing innapropriate has happened, he doesn't try to see her on his own, what does HE have to say about all this? Has he any objection to getting married to you? Does he actually have a crush on her, or is she just close to his family as well so you are going to run into her from time to time? My husbands first love is best freinds with his sister, and my husband still visits with her parents all the time, with or without me. I could get all insecure about it and make judgements...but I trust my husband fully and I have no concerns. This woman is part of many family functions and she has become a freind of mine as well. I can honestly say that if I would have taken issue with all that, my husband of 15 years and I would have never made it to the marrying stage! And I would have missed out on the greatest man ever to be married to. If it is simply YOUR insecurities getting in the way then you had better think long and hard about why...if you have real reason to believe he wants to be with this other girl then perhaps you should let him go to her. But before you make any rash decisions, seek out what God would have you do Ok, I understand what you are saying. I guess it might be my insecurities, I mean I have told him before that if I am not the one he wants to marry then go be with the one he does. He got very upset and said I am the one he wants to marry. He tells me he has no feelings for this girl, and that she has told him that she sees him as a "brother". I will just do some more praying and keep asking what God wants me to do. I don't know, somehow I just can't let go of him, and I have tried, I have tried to let him go see them without me, but he just refuses. I just pray that if it is anything out of the norm (with his feelings) that God will help him let it go. ty for your answer. However, I must really add that this one fear that keep coming into my mind is that we will be waiting, and waiting for our marriage date as long as this girl is so close by... unless she were to get married. Is it possible that maybe he thinks of it like betrayal to her if he marries me and she knows about it? like just him being nice because she used to have a crush on him, and he doesn't know if she still does? Why would having this girl close by cause the marriage date to be so far away? Is this what your b/f says? Is he not willing to marry you ASAP to make it right with God and put God's blessing on your relationship? Is he really not willing to marry you because of this girl? I don't understand. Have you talked with him about this? Has he actually implied this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrightSunset Posted December 24, 2009 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 18 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/15/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/15/1984 Author Share Posted December 24, 2009 But nothing innapropriate has happened, he doesn't try to see her on his own, what does HE have to say about all this? Has he any objection to getting married to you? Does he actually have a crush on her, or is she just close to his family as well so you are going to run into her from time to time? My husbands first love is best freinds with his sister, and my husband still visits with her parents all the time, with or without me. I could get all insecure about it and make judgements...but I trust my husband fully and I have no concerns. This woman is part of many family functions and she has become a freind of mine as well. I can honestly say that if I would have taken issue with all that, my husband of 15 years and I would have never made it to the marrying stage! And I would have missed out on the greatest man ever to be married to. If it is simply YOUR insecurities getting in the way then you had better think long and hard about why...if you have real reason to believe he wants to be with this other girl then perhaps you should let him go to her. But before you make any rash decisions, seek out what God would have you do Ok, I understand what you are saying. I guess it might be my insecurities, I mean I have told him before that if I am not the one he wants to marry then go be with the one he does. He got very upset and said I am the one he wants to marry. He tells me he has no feelings for this girl, and that she has told him that she sees him as a "brother". I will just do some more praying and keep asking what God wants me to do. I don't know, somehow I just can't let go of him, and I have tried, I have tried to let him go see them without me, but he just refuses. I just pray that if it is anything out of the norm (with his feelings) that God will help him let it go. ty for your answer. However, I must really add that this one fear that keep coming into my mind is that we will be waiting, and waiting for our marriage date as long as this girl is so close by... unless she were to get married. Is it possible that maybe he thinks of it like betrayal to her if he marries me and she knows about it? like just him being nice because she used to have a crush on him, and he doesn't know if she still does? Why would having this girl close by cause the marriage date to be so far away? Is this what your b/f says? Is he not willing to marry you ASAP to make it right with God and put God's blessing on your relationship? Is he really not willing to marry you because of this girl? I don't understand. Have you talked with him about this? Has he actually implied this? No he hasn't implied it. But however, maybe he doesn't know which one of us he truly loves. It's possible that he realized that it's her that he loves. I mean everything she does wrong he says it's someone elses fault, and any advice she gives for our baby he thinks is the advice we should use. He wants me to be good friends with her. He always asks me stuff like oh so you two have so much in common huh? I have tried to be her friend, believe me but she is 18 and i am 25 and it is always so awkward because when we are together most of his attention is on her. Her family invited us to an early christmas party today. Right when my fiance and I pulled up, first her brother came out (who he claims to be good friends with) to say hi to him at his window. Well they were talking and next thing I know the girl comes out of the house and the moment she opened the door and came out his focus went from her brother to her. he could not stop staring at her, so what came up next in my mind was "wow, that's got to be love". Funny thing though, is to me she does not seem at all interested in him if she ever was. Though I've known a lot of stories that with persistence, a man can bring that back with a woman. I had to get something from home real quick so I told him I would go it's not a far distance. I said you can stay here, they were all there but he persisted to go with me. So you see? isn't it quite confusing? I mean if he's in love with her shouldn't he try to stay there Without Me? Im willing to let him go if he really does love her. Then again her on and off boyfriend was there so maybe that's why he wouldn't stay. Like I said... I just don't know. I'm sorry if this is so much but it's wearing on my heart and mind and part of me just wants to give up. If i even mention her name now he'll say no more talking about that (name) and a cussword. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trusting Jesus Posted December 24, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 66 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 2,050 Content Per Day: 0.34 Reputation: 22 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/12/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 09/09/1952 Share Posted December 24, 2009 You are agonizing over this. Why are you leaving it all up to him? Do you love him? Does he love you? Neither of you are trying to please God. You are not respecting yourelf nor are you respecting God. Your daughter is growing up in a sinful situation and the example you are showing her is so wrong. Rather than agonizing over this girl and your boyfriend and who is in love with who, you need to get right with God. Please God first and only then can He give you blessings. <>< ><> Nathele Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tjhawks1 Posted December 24, 2009 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 104 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/10/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/21/1981 Share Posted December 24, 2009 (edited) No he hasn't implied it. But however, maybe he doesn't know which one of us he truly loves. It's possible that he realized that it's her that he loves. I mean everything she does wrong he says it's someone elses fault, and any advice she gives for our baby he thinks is the advice we should use. He wants me to be good friends with her. He always asks me stuff like oh so you two have so much in common huh? I have tried to be her friend, believe me but she is 18 and i am 25 and it is always so awkward because when we are together most of his attention is on her. Her family invited us to an early christmas party today. Right when my fiance and I pulled up, first her brother came out (who he claims to be good friends with) to say hi to him at his window. Well they were talking and next thing I know the girl comes out of the house and the moment she opened the door and came out his focus went from her brother to her. he could not stop staring at her, so what came up next in my mind was "wow, that's got to be love". Funny thing though, is to me she does not seem at all interested in him if she ever was. Though I've known a lot of stories that with persistence, a man can bring that back with a woman. I had to get something from home real quick so I told him I would go it's not a far distance. I said you can stay here, they were all there but he persisted to go with me. So you see? isn't it quite confusing? I mean if he's in love with her shouldn't he try to stay there Without Me? Im willing to let him go if he really does love her. Then again her on and off boyfriend was there so maybe that's why he wouldn't stay. Like I said... I just don't know. I'm sorry if this is so much but it's wearing on my heart and mind and part of me just wants to give up. If i even mention her name now he'll say no more talking about that (name) and a cussword. What is your motivation in posting this? Do you just need someone to understand? Are you looking for someone to tell you this guy doesn't love you? Are you looking for someone to tell you if you stay with this guy, God will magically make this guy love you? You have received great advice from everyone on here and it appears as if that is not enough for you. It appears as if this guy doesn't love you and is infuated with this girl. He is not in love with her. There is a big difference between love and infuation. I suggest you find a way to figure out the difference. The best way to figure out the difference is to read the gospels. Study Jesus lifestyle, to truly understand what love is. I want to also say that I can't understand what you are going through. You are a mother who might have to make a decision to go into the unknown. Living alone and with a child. You must be worried as to how that will work. As others have said you need to stop living this sinful life and start making some tough decisions. Everything will be much easier if you start reading your bible. The only reason I say that is because almost everyone on here has to do this. When you don't read your bible and pray you are flirting with disaster. Edited December 24, 2009 by tjhawks1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrightSunset Posted December 28, 2009 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 18 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/15/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/15/1984 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 No he hasn't implied it. But however, maybe he doesn't know which one of us he truly loves. It's possible that he realized that it's her that he loves. I mean everything she does wrong he says it's someone elses fault, and any advice she gives for our baby he thinks is the advice we should use. He wants me to be good friends with her. He always asks me stuff like oh so you two have so much in common huh? I have tried to be her friend, believe me but she is 18 and i am 25 and it is always so awkward because when we are together most of his attention is on her. Her family invited us to an early christmas party today. Right when my fiance and I pulled up, first her brother came out (who he claims to be good friends with) to say hi to him at his window. Well they were talking and next thing I know the girl comes out of the house and the moment she opened the door and came out his focus went from her brother to her. he could not stop staring at her, so what came up next in my mind was "wow, that's got to be love". Funny thing though, is to me she does not seem at all interested in him if she ever was. Though I've known a lot of stories that with persistence, a man can bring that back with a woman. I had to get something from home real quick so I told him I would go it's not a far distance. I said you can stay here, they were all there but he persisted to go with me. So you see? isn't it quite confusing? I mean if he's in love with her shouldn't he try to stay there Without Me? Im willing to let him go if he really does love her. Then again her on and off boyfriend was there so maybe that's why he wouldn't stay. Like I said... I just don't know. I'm sorry if this is so much but it's wearing on my heart and mind and part of me just wants to give up. If i even mention her name now he'll say no more talking about that (name) and a cussword. What is your motivation in posting this? Do you just need someone to understand? Are you looking for someone to tell you this guy doesn't love you? Are you looking for someone to tell you if you stay with this guy, God will magically make this guy love you? You have received great advice from everyone on here and it appears as if that is not enough for you. It appears as if this guy doesn't love you and is infuated with this girl. He is not in love with her. There is a big difference between love and infuation. I suggest you find a way to figure out the difference. The best way to figure out the difference is to read the gospels. Study Jesus lifestyle, to truly understand what love is. I want to also say that I can't understand what you are going through. You are a mother who might have to make a decision to go into the unknown. Living alone and with a child. You must be worried as to how that will work. As others have said you need to stop living this sinful life and start making some tough decisions. Everything will be much easier if you start reading your bible. The only reason I say that is because almost everyone on here has to do this. When you don't read your bible and pray you are flirting with disaster. Ok ty. I guess that was my biggest worry that he truly loved this girl and I was preventing them from being happy. And you are dead-on about what you have said here. I AM afraid of going out into the unknown, being alone with a child and maybe a chance to never be married, which is what I've always hoped for ever since I was a little girl. I thank you for your advice and I am picking that bible up again and have been reading since last week. Much appreciation to you all. I guess I will now leave the rest of this up to God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trusting Jesus Posted December 28, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 66 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 2,050 Content Per Day: 0.34 Reputation: 22 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/12/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 09/09/1952 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I am so glad you are reading your Bible. I like the Gospel of John. If you have any questions about what you are reading, ask us. Better yet, start attending church and get into a Bible study and Sunday school. <>< ><> Nathele Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tjhawks1 Posted December 28, 2009 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 104 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/10/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/21/1981 Share Posted December 28, 2009 No he hasn't implied it. But however, maybe he doesn't know which one of us he truly loves. It's possible that he realized that it's her that he loves. I mean everything she does wrong he says it's someone elses fault, and any advice she gives for our baby he thinks is the advice we should use. He wants me to be good friends with her. He always asks me stuff like oh so you two have so much in common huh? I have tried to be her friend, believe me but she is 18 and i am 25 and it is always so awkward because when we are together most of his attention is on her. Her family invited us to an early christmas party today. Right when my fiance and I pulled up, first her brother came out (who he claims to be good friends with) to say hi to him at his window. Well they were talking and next thing I know the girl comes out of the house and the moment she opened the door and came out his focus went from her brother to her. he could not stop staring at her, so what came up next in my mind was "wow, that's got to be love". Funny thing though, is to me she does not seem at all interested in him if she ever was. Though I've known a lot of stories that with persistence, a man can bring that back with a woman. I had to get something from home real quick so I told him I would go it's not a far distance. I said you can stay here, they were all there but he persisted to go with me. So you see? isn't it quite confusing? I mean if he's in love with her shouldn't he try to stay there Without Me? Im willing to let him go if he really does love her. Then again her on and off boyfriend was there so maybe that's why he wouldn't stay. Like I said... I just don't know. I'm sorry if this is so much but it's wearing on my heart and mind and part of me just wants to give up. If i even mention her name now he'll say no more talking about that (name) and a cussword. What is your motivation in posting this? Do you just need someone to understand? Are you looking for someone to tell you this guy doesn't love you? Are you looking for someone to tell you if you stay with this guy, God will magically make this guy love you? You have received great advice from everyone on here and it appears as if that is not enough for you. It appears as if this guy doesn't love you and is infuated with this girl. He is not in love with her. There is a big difference between love and infuation. I suggest you find a way to figure out the difference. The best way to figure out the difference is to read the gospels. Study Jesus lifestyle, to truly understand what love is. I want to also say that I can't understand what you are going through. You are a mother who might have to make a decision to go into the unknown. Living alone and with a child. You must be worried as to how that will work. As others have said you need to stop living this sinful life and start making some tough decisions. Everything will be much easier if you start reading your bible. The only reason I say that is because almost everyone on here has to do this. When you don't read your bible and pray you are flirting with disaster. Ok ty. I guess that was my biggest worry that he truly loved this girl and I was preventing them from being happy. And you are dead-on about what you have said here. I AM afraid of going out into the unknown, being alone with a child and maybe a chance to never be married, which is what I've always hoped for ever since I was a little girl. I thank you for your advice and I am picking that bible up again and have been reading since last week. Much appreciation to you all. I guess I will now leave the rest of this up to God. Good for you. If you do choose to go into the unknown make sure that is what God wants for you. If that is what he wants everything will work just fine. It's awesome that you have taken the advice on here. People gave you fantastic advice. Your in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Elly Posted December 30, 2009 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 9 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 415 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 15 Days Won: 2 Joined: 07/31/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/02/1945 Share Posted December 30, 2009 i'm going to assume that TJ has talked to you in chat or something, because she certainly seems to know a whole lot more about your situation than i would have gleaned from your post. so i'm assuming that your fiancee has a female friend he's been close to all his life. he is about to marry you, though... and is already engaged, so his behaviour should already be that of a spouse towards you. which means that he should follow the biblical example of a godly husband. he should never be alone with any member of the opposite sex who is not part of the family. not even his best female friend. nor should he ever put her feelings before yours.... and clearly your feelings are hurt by him spending time with her. he needs to guard and protect YOUR feelings, first and foremost. and if he doesn't, then he is putting another woman before you. even in the marriage vows that he will be taking, he will promise to foresake ALL others (including his best female friend) til death do you part. if he isn't willing to keep that part of the vows NOW, then he sure ain't gonna be willing to later. is your fiancee a christian? Hi i'm sorry i haven't been on in a while. I will add some more detail to my situation. This girl I am referring to is actually the "younger sister" of a female friend of his, who is also married to a male friend of his. Now my fiance doesn't really talk with this girl much, or hasn't before, but he always brings questions up about her to her older sister, sister's hubby, her on and off boyfriend and even her parents. And when we are both together and at her sisters house and the girl is there, he won't sit by the girl but have me instead. Though he will be looking at her and while holding me try to strike up conversations with her, to which she won't answer much to because I am there. it's so downright confusing, i mean am i there to help him get to know her? Sorry hon, but I smell a rat in this situation. You deserve to have his full commitment, you need to feel secure with him and trust him. Yet you don't feel this way, no matter how much you want to. I sense he is immature, confused himself about what he wants and emotionally withdrawing himself from you. I have seen this in situations in my first marriage. My husband was shy, but I could sense he was using me and being untrue because of the way he would look at other women, act around them, all with me there. Sure enough, it progressed to being unfaithful in every way. I was married, he was not. Trust your gut here, baby or no baby, you do not have a good foundation for a marriage. Will pray for you that you will get out of this situation and re-evaluate it. Take it from me, a woman can tell when a man is being emotionally unfaithful and physically unfaithful. God may have something better for you. What happens if you leave him? Will he aggressively go after the girl in question? He sounds so immature, a big flirt, and not marriage material. As for God's opinion on it, why should he want you to marry such a person and him make your life miserable? God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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