Hello need help with depression and suicide

[Tabby Cat]

Hi,

I feel rather uncomfortable doing this and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'll give it a go.

I'm a Christian and I suffer from severe and chronic depression. I moved to Switzerland (from the UK) a year ago and I have been hospitalised twice in a psychiatric hospital since I have been here, once for 3 months and I've just come out after another month long stay. Both times I was hospitalised because I wanted to commit suicide. The last time, I had got as far as going online and finding out what would happen if I took an overdose of my medications (the answer - pretty lethal), and I was sitting there contemplating it when something inside me said 'This is wrong, you can't do this, ring your psychiatrist now.' So I did, and she arranged my admission etc. But some days I wish I hadn't rung her.

I know that suicide is wrong and is a sin but I just can't seem to stop getting these desires. And I have all these questions no-one can answer, like 'What happens when a Christian commits suicide? What will God say? And sometimes I think 'Well if I can't lose my salvation then why not just do it and then I will be in paradise and all this unbearable pain will have gone away.'

It's hard to know who to turn to for help. I have had to stop talking to my parents about it because they can't cope with the thought of me wanting to die and it's not fair on them to go on talking about it. My church here is very small and although everyone has been very welcoming to me and very supportive (especially when I was in hospital last winter) I don't really feel there is anyone else I can talk to there, especially as this time when I was hospitalised my parents told everyone I had wanted to take an overdose (the last time they didn't say why I had been hospitalised) and I feel like they are treating me differently and judging me. Like people who came to see me when I was in hospital the first time didn't come and see me the second time... And I'm still getting to know them (I also have social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder so I find it really hard to trust people and let them in).

I asked my dad to get me some Christian books on suicide and self harm (something else I think about a lot but I've never really done anything), and he did. But they were awful - so judgemental and 'Suicide is a product of sinful thinking and you need to sort out your wrong thinking...' not loving or really understanding what it feels like to be so low and so trapped and so desperate to get away from it all and just get to heaven where finally you will fit in that you want to die.

So anyway, my psychiatrist (who is not a believer) advised me to try and find some Christians online who might be able to help me - people who had been through something similar themselves and might be able to empathise with me. Also she knows I find it easier to communicate online than face to face.

So is there anyone out there who can help me, and might be willing to talk with me via PMs?

I hope I haven't caused offence or upset anyone. If this isn't the right place for me to get the kind of help I need does anyone know of some place that can help me?

[stephobell1]

Hi,

I feel rather uncomfortable doing this and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'll give it a go.

I'm a Christian and I suffer from severe and chronic depression. I moved to Switzerland (from the UK) a year ago and I have been hospitalised twice in a psychiatric hospital since I have been here, once for 3 months and I've just come out after another month long stay. Both times I was hospitalised because I wanted to commit suicide. The last time, I had got as far as going online and finding out what would happen if I took an overdose of my medications (the answer - pretty lethal), and I was sitting there contemplating it when something inside me said 'This is wrong, you can't do this, ring your psychiatrist now.' So I did, and she arranged my admission etc. But some days I wish I hadn't rung her.

I know that suicide is wrong and is a sin but I just can't seem to stop getting these desires. And I have all these questions no-one can answer, like 'What happens when a Christian commits suicide? What will God say? And sometimes I think 'Well if I can't lose my salvation then why not just do it and then I will be in paradise and all this unbearable pain will have gone away.'

It's hard to know who to turn to for help. I have had to stop talking to my parents about it because they can't cope with the thought of me wanting to die and it's not fair on them to go on talking about it. My church here is very small and although everyone has been very welcoming to me and very supportive (especially when I was in hospital last winter) I don't really feel there is anyone else I can talk to there, especially as this time when I was hospitalised my parents told everyone I had wanted to take an overdose (the last time they didn't say why I had been hospitalised) and I feel like they are treating me differently and judging me. Like people who came to see me when I was in hospital the first time didn't come and see me the second time... And I'm still getting to know them (I also have social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder so I find it really hard to trust people and let them in).

I asked my dad to get me some Christian books on suicide and self harm (something else I think about a lot but I've never really done anything), and he did. But they were awful - so judgemental and 'Suicide is a product of sinful thinking and you need to sort out your wrong thinking...' not loving or really understanding what it feels like to be so low and so trapped and so desperate to get away from it all and just get to heaven where finally you will fit in that you want to die.

So anyway, my psychiatrist (who is not a believer) advised me to try and find some Christians online who might be able to help me - people who had been through something similar themselves and might be able to empathise with me. Also she knows I find it easier to communicate online than face to face.

So is there anyone out there who can help me, and might be willing to talk with me via PMs?

I hope I haven't caused offence or upset anyone. If this isn't the right place for me to get the kind of help I need does anyone know of some place that can help me?

I have been excatly where you are, I have done self harm, and I have nearly committed suicide, I never went to a hospital, but was seeing a councellor at least twice a week, if not more.

I felt I was being judged and treated differently, but that was not the case.

I dont want to go into depth here in the open, but it looks as though you do not have enough posts for your PM to work

When you build up your posts send me a message, I really want to talk and pray with you about this one.

[Dougmo60]

Welcome to Worthy I think you have come to the right place for help. I will be praying for you.

[Leonard]

May the Lord grant you clarity of mind and purpose. +

[nebula]

Tabby cat

I developed clinical depression early in life, although I didn't know that's what it was.

I was also walking the knife's edge of suicide for years.

So I do understand!

I grew up under the mentality that Christians can't have mental illnesses - you know the verse about a sound mind, right? But I listened to a children's Christian radio program called Adventures in Odyssey on day where it was revealed that one of the characters has a wife in a mental ward. The main character, Whitt, talked about how Christians don't like talking about such things because we think of it as an embarrassment to our faith. But really, our brains can be ill, just like any other organ in our body. I wish I could remember what was spoken, but it did have an impact on me - because when I was introduced to the symptoms of chronic depression, I was able to accept that this is what I was dealing with!

Depression can have different root causes. For some it may be just physical - hormonal imbalances. But for I believe the majority of us the problem is in the soul or in the spirit. I know my problem comes from painful circumstances and not knowing how to cope with them but to turn the hurt and anger inward. There are probably some spiritual roots there as well, stuff passed down through the generations.

I dealt with my depression (again, not knowing that this is what it was) by turning to the Lord. I found that when I enter into worship, I don't feel so bad anymore. I've learned to love worshiping the Lord early on in life this way.

A lot of times when I was alone and crying and seeking the Lord about ending my life because I couldn't take it anymore, He would show me how much it would hurt Him if I killed myself. I didn't want to do that to Him. So I stepped back from the cliff's edge, again, and again, and again this way.

Since I learned my problem was depression, I began trying to deal with what the roots are - that depression is anger turned inward, I fear rejection, I need to love myself as Jesus loves me, etc.

The desire for suicide, I found, is actually the spirit of death. (Yes an evil spirit, a demon, is screwing with your mind.) Even though I'd learned about rebuking demons, commanding that thing away was something I could never have the strength for. But one night I was just communing with the Lord - not really on my knees in prayer, but just mulling in my head over some spiritual truth I was trying to make sense of - and the Holy Spirit led me to evaluate what all the pain in my life did for me. I know that sounds crazy, but as I evaluated my personality and how I'd mostly always run to the Lord with my pain, I began to accept that without the extreme pain I'd be an insensitive nerd (for pain taught me compassion - I can relate to others' hurts because of my own hurt - I desire to comfort people in pain because I have known pain), and I could accept that without the extreme pain I would not have the kind of relationship with the Lord that I have. In accepting that the pain was there for a reason, for a purpose, that it produced good fruit in my life, fruit that I really would not chose to not have even at the cost of a happy life - it was then I was able to express, for the first time and mean it, a thankfulness for the pain in my life. Of course, it was very hard to say this out loud to the Lord, I stuttered every word (!), but I was able to say to Him from my heart out loud, "I thank You Lord for the pain in my life." Instantly, and mean like a snap, all that darkness of death was broken! It was just gone! It was like I had been living in a fog my whole life and suddenly the fog dissipated and I saw the full sun an blue skies for the first time in my life.

Now I don't know what is tying the spirit of death to your life. But this was how I was set free. I hope you find inspiration from it.

Mind you, I'd been living with this thing for 25 years or more, and I still have other chains associated with the whole depression I still need to overcome.

Right now, the Lord is having me verbalize, "I am accepted in the beloved," every time I feel a sense of rejection or fear rejection. I guess getting this chain broken needs the long haul approach.

Anyway, I did a quick search and for now at least found a couple things for you to look up:

Here is another woman's testimony. <<--LINK From that site, you can click on other links to learn more.

Here is a list of books and what they are about - this is from a well-trusted source.

If I find more things, I'll post more.

Hugs and prayers and blessings to you!

[EricH]

Welcome!! I am going to move this to Am I alone forum.

[ladypeartree]

I am praying for you dear one ... as you can see there are people here that have been through this terrible feeling and even more that are still going through it. You cannot activate the pm system until you have 10 posts in order to stop nasty trolls but to get 10 posts you dont have to do anythinf hard .... just go to the welcome forum and post a quick welcome . but be aware that posts in fellowship hall dont count towards your total

May God bless you and keep you safe dear sister

[Guest]

Praying!

[ladypeartree]

Still here, stilll praying and hoping you will come back and that you are safe

[logos7]

Howdy Tabby Cat, and welcome to Worthy. I'll be praying for you. Try to remember although your life maybe a mess right now God has Great things plan for you.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I been where you are, many years ago I tried to kill myself, nothing more humilating than falling flat on your butt trying to hang yourself. But try to remember this promise of God:

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.