Conundrum

[L10]

Born again 18 years ago, love Jesus number one everyday. Have had a wonderful life, marriage, witnessed miracles, had decent work, been humble; have lifelong friends.

During this time I also was never totally serious about high paying positions at work, and found my time with the Lord, recreation, family.. to be valuable.

Since I have had my wife turn a spiritual 180, been attacked by demons in her admittance, but has since claimed victory. She has also claimed divorce with no opportunity for reconciliation. She sites that my lack of serious work ethic places me as a person that has lost their Christian faith. I will agree that I have worked less than 40 hour weeks many times, but I do work, and now way in excess. I work my hands at a fairly modest job stocking on 3rd shift. I place many hours in a week, and have done so for the last 7 months.

My wife and I sought counseling about 8 months ago, and since she has always been the love of my life, given by Christ, and nearly taken by him via illness; I remain steadfast. Apathy and depression set in my life while I was trying to listen to God's plan for my career. I am in upper 40's, yet very active. I suppose my wife once sought me out for she said I was also easy on the eyes, though I try to mention this with candor. What guy this age has the flare,,, everyone, even in the Churches are looking for pizzazz and gusto.

Welll, I have sorta lost my gusto. I stick my head out to help my friends in their lowest of times. I have had a couple help out along the way, but this has mainly been between me and Jesus. I have kept busy, keep some hope alive.

I live in a lesser than nice neighborhood, have an aging car, but I have the things I need. I love music, so I also surround myself with the music that touches my heart the most.

Ok, people just don't like this particular guy as much while they see me sorta down, but I also can't just pop out of it.

My wife always promised to support me thru my Panic Disorder issues, and I sorta see a lack of much patience in her now. I suppose I have done well with the illness, but I am reminded to take care of it very well. Fear will not run me, but I also still feel so displaced.

Everything has been one step off. We won an out of court settlement, but it was not as much as my wife had hoped, so she saw 2012 as being a year that we would run out of excesses. She has grown as a Christian in some ways over the years, but also slipped heavily in the covetting and Bible exegetics department.

I will be cautious in my discerment, for the Lord has obviously let this happen to a loving Christian couple. I became the female in the nurturing and immersing our little problems with Christian author helps. She was already one step ahead, and used counseling to find a squeak of an ok for divorce. She stole my inheritance to try to force me out of my house, and yet I have only one living family member, and she is disabled and in a horrible mental state as well. Cursed???? You tell me.

I always have beat to a different drum, but I am very conventional in my understanding in love of what Jesus has done for us. I know that it rains on the faithful as well, and I even work hard at keeping myself immersed in scripture that I need to relearn, as welll as scripture that has me covered.

So, I have secular friends, lost total interest in the Church we went to, and am in new location. I have some support friends that are like family to me, but there are some dark days.

I know, I should tough it up and just work hard. Find a Church soon anyways, even though some of my Christian friends are also so amazing.

I would be a serious case for a Christian Psychiatrist, for there is positive self talk in 95% of my adult days. been tough recently, but I think I may get back one day. I almost feel that I do not deserve joy, nor will I understand a true love at this point. My job has me with odd hours, and confidence is sorta down for normalcy thoughts on that.

I still pray for my wife, and that is part of a confusing thing as well. I don't know what God has in store, but it is very clear that barring yet another miracle she is only weeks away from having this divorce final. You know what? I am not sure I can trust to grow old with her at this point. The pain is forgiveable, but I learned a painful lesson.

I sat at her bedside, made critical decisoions over a death sentence of her leukemia, but I felt the calling to remain. It was no fun life, but it was all I knew about love, true love.

Sure, that has worn itself out by now, coz I may have taken some recent time to land a high management position. I don't exactly have a great resume, but I do have commmunication skills with people, and in particular in life coaching etc. Coaching and helping. Now, you guessed it... who can help a person that has almost believed that no person is able to put pieces together. I admit, I only recieve some compliments on how well I have handled things, but rarely one tip of advice or help.

Thanks friends, and understand I bear the stench of my life as well as the things that I may still have going for me.

HELP

[Guest man]

Foregive me for sounding rude or insensitive, but what exactly is the question?

[nebula]

L10 - speaking and praying the Father's life into your body, soul, and spirit.

Sounds like what you need is a Sabbath - a time set aside to be with the Lord, a time set aside to be with your wife without distractions . . . just enjoying the presences of each other. No, i don't know how this can be scheduled in, but it is what you need.

[He giveth more grace]

I bear the stench of my life as well as the things that I may still have going for me.

Stench, I don't smell a stench, I smell a sweet smelling sacrifice, well pleasing unto God. Brother, you don't have any reproaches, the world does and those who doesn't follow Christ.

You have set your priorities on what pleases God, God first, family, then others. I would be proud to know you and call you friend. You are chosen vessel, a priest of God (every believer is), holy and separated to serve God, God's choice procession and don't allow the Devil to tel you different. Lift up your head, servant of the Lord, soldier in God's army, for your redeemer sees and allows what has, and is, happening to you. The Devil told God about Job, Does he serve you for nought, strip him of every good thing and he will curse you (me not quote).

I would never chide or reprove you, wounded heart, but you need to start showing yourself whose son you are of, start to turn you affections on God and he will do what is good for you. Provoke you wife to jealousy has she admits to herself that you have been with Jesus.

My soul is so full of compassion for you, I care for you but how much more does he to whom you worship. This board will console and comfort and pray for you.

As the angel told Gideon, "Go in this thy strength", yes you have great strength at your disposal, you have the strength of God's word that builds faith which is strength and which is a shield against the enemies attacks to your mind and to your soul. What strength is prayer to you, when you release all your pain and grieve to the Lord a lay them at his feet.

The strength of like-minded believer whom you can tell them all your heart and they will keep in secret your most private matters, find them they are out there.

Take heart mighty man of God for your are the apple of his eyes and he has chosen you to carry his Name.

Blessing, I am praying.

Edited March 7, 2012 by Monarchy

[Guest]

Trust

Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence.

When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up. Psalms 94:17-18

Praying~!

[nChrist]

First, you and your wife will be in my prayers, and I think it's wonderful that you are still in prayer about this. Both of you have had bouts of illness, and this must be a factor in some of the problems. If you still love your wife and want to make things work, I would suggest that you attempt to slow things down and get back into counseling - delaying the divorce and giving both of you another chance at making things work.

[Zemke]

Some of your post sounds as though I could have written it. Feel for you man. Heavy place. Forties, all that time investing in a life and then, gone. Well maybe.

This place is not our home, thank God. I would forget about the counselers and put your hope in the Lord. The worst days may be ahead of you but always remember that you will get through this and you can be better for it. You can't see that now but that day will come.

Without family the elderly wisdom isn't there but listen to those around you that have been through these things and that you know are sincere. The little things sometimes are huge. Stay way from the worlds ways of dealing with this stuff like Amsterdam or vallium etc.

I know this absolutely totally s--ks brother. It is what it is and the Lord knows what it is better than anyone. That is why you must inquire of Him. He knows. He knows how to guide you through this storm and set you on a shore. May not be on your time table or what you expect but when you arrive plant your roots and start to grow. Don't put your faith in mans ways. Trust in the Lord.

Maybe for therapy you can keep your bible by the bed side. Read some proverbs, you think you got problems now!! Find out how screwed up we all are. ( joke attempt)

This is not easy and don't expect it to be. Divorce is a pit. Wait on the Lord and He will lift you out of it. I'm not sure what to say other than I wish we could sit around in person for a while and talk. I've been there, darkest days of my life.

Ask God for a place to serve and grow. Ask where He would like you to be.

Will pray for you and your wife.

Edited March 6, 2012 by ZEMKE

[L10]

Wow, my heart is touched by every post, even the first one. I know that confusion is amidst, and I also know that perhaps the very strongest attempt to ask my wife for that attempt of sabath time would be possible, but trust me when I say that this would only be on God's time. Too many things are about money, follow through, sell the house.... and my wife's new ability to move on finally.

A few posts were especially touching because I could feel the sympathy and empathy both, and yet sense the godly direction. Sure, this stuff happens all the time, and people have their support groups, family, kids... I guess I am glad I at least have the friends.

I did spend some time in very deep prayer two nights ago, and feel that a time may come when things become more easy to discern. Maybe I will be able to socialize with good people, work a better job, find a good Church that has hours that will give me a chance.

I pray for all this, and not just for selfish gain. I have spent so much time helping others, and listening to things that pained others. Another discussion site does not really get my time now, but I'm sure they would not even know who I am now. They would probably all be very blown away about the divorce, but I believe this happens in about 1/4 of these situations.

So, know that I lift you all up in prayer as well at this time, for your needs of growth, strength, edification, encouragement, discernment; and to be a great steward of our loving savior.

I think I will enjoy one of my rare late nights off work, and when it is actually nearly 50 degrees in Ohio. Been sick, but feel good enough to enjoy an inline skate in my new area. May God watch over me, and keep my light working.

Thanks tons to you all, and to my new friend; thanks !!

[L10]

Some of your post sounds as though I could have written it. Feel for you man. Heavy place. Forties, all that time investing in a life and then, gone. Well maybe.

This place is not our home, thank God. I would forget about the counselers and put your hope in the Lord. The worst days may be ahead of you but always remember that you will get through this and you can be better for it. You can't see that now but that day will come.

Without family the elderly wisdom isn't there but listen to those around you that have been through these things and that you know are sincere. The little things sometimes are huge. Stay way from the worlds ways of dealing with this stuff like Amsterdam or vallium etc.

I know this absolutely totally s--ks brother. It is what it is and the Lord knows what it is better than anyone. That is why you must inquire of Him. He knows. He knows how to guide you through this storm and set you on a shore. May not be on your time table or what you expect but when you arrive plant your roots and start to grow. Don't put your faith in mans ways. Trust in the Lord.

Maybe for therapy you can keep your bible by the bed side. Read some proverbs, you think you got problems now!! Find out how screwed up we all are. ( joke attempt)

This is not easy and don't expect it to be. Divorce is a pit. Wait on the Lord and He will lift you out of it. I'm not sure what to say other than I wish we could sit around in person for a while and talk. I've been there, darkest days of my life.

Ask God for a place to serve and grow. Ask where He would like you to be.

Will pray for you and your wife.

Hey my friend, wanted to thank you for the encouragement that appears to have been refined by fire.

It does help to know that we are not alone in messed up times, as sometimes we see a facebook friend that just sails the seas every day doing deep sea fishing, and having no care in the world. I remember days of excess, wow did I live them. Perhaps that gives me the perspective of this very dark time that I persevere thru. I know that the Amsterdams will try to tempt me, but I hope to have a ready defense going. I will keep that bible on my actual bed beside me, and will read it tonight, along with a few other guides to help me to get out of this pit.

I need to let go of some toxic relationships as well. I sorta feel like the big old dog that does not want to drop the old torn up toy the owner gave to him years ago; won't drop it for the new and awesome one. Yeah, we get comfortable with a friend or two along the way, but at a point they seem to also shove ya the wrong way, particularly if is a female friend that knows the boundaries. The discernment comes for me to at least test this situation much more, for it has produced temptation in past, yet has also produced some very significant time when I felt I was near my demise.

Before my most conservative friends already assume me to be in reproach, my friend was seeking to know the Lord Greater, said all the right things. Sure, I knew she would one day perhaps try to ween in for a relationship deeper, and I was ready. She recently failed a second time though, and I believe she has probably removed herself after my rebuke.

Ok, had to bring that up just because it was on my heart as well. She has been a good friend for a great many years, and she loves the Lord. I believe she could be much more serious about the Lord, and perhaps lean away from the tavern style faith. So, perhaps toxic now, perhaps always will be. I will listen to the Lord, and will take kind advice from discerning friends.

I won't disown every Christian friend because they are female though, just can't quite do that. There may be a time when the Lord makes things very clear to me on this, and all these things.

Appreciate your time in this, your prayers, and for those of you that do not see a question in a conundrum:::: What do you do when you have so little to stand on, so little strength, and yet stood on that platform and prayed along with it for so very long?

[He giveth more grace]

What do you do when you have so little to stand on, so little strength, and yet stood on that platform and prayed along with it for so very long?

Sir, Brother, you don't have little strength :

1. 2 Samuel 22:3
   The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.
2. Psalm 18:2
   The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
3. Psalm 62:7
   In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.

As long as you can cry (make petition) and God can and will hear, then you hve great strength.

I don't wish to over simplify this, I know that you have no strength within yourself, none of us does.