I Have Had It.....Really

[AnotherSinner]

Biblically I know it is right for a man to support the home by working and earning the living. My husband does this. I stay at home and tend to the needs of the house as well as the kids. Lately though, it has begun to take its toll.

My husband and I do not go out very much...maybe once every three to six months, or less than that. My children are always home and with me. Still...everyone says how easy I have it. My own family...who has it in their heads that I am incapible of much concurs with this. This is going to sound aweful...I know it...but I

Do ALL the housework

I prepare the meals

Bathe the little ones

Put them to bed

Tend to them when they wake up early regardless of how I feel

Talk to my oldest boy's therapists

Make all the doctor appointments

Organize and take care of all the paperwork in the house for our assistance and everything else

Walk three blocks down to the store to pick up little odds and ends as needed

Take care of the dog

Just feel the weight of it all....and it is overbearing. When I say I feel overwhelmed to family...it is....well your hubby has it hard. And...selfish as it is...I think to myself...what am I, chopped liver? Do I even matter?

Really starting to think I am fighting depression....and I am scared of eventually taking it out on the husband, which is already happening...and then the kids....what do I do?

[He giveth more grace]

I am right here my your side as a friend, as other will be, I am hear to listen to you. I understand you quandary your in, but more importantly so does your heavenly father. God know you more that you know youself and he is interested in your happiness and wholeness and he wants to fill you up with himself.

I will be thinking a praying for how to address this situation. Let not your heart be troubled!

[AnotherSinner]

I am right here my your side as a friend, as other will be, I am hear to listen to you. I understand you quandary your in, but more importantly so does your heavenly father. God know you more that you know youself and he is interested in your happiness and wholeness and he wants to fill you up with himself.

I will be thinking a praying for how to address this situation. Let not your heart be troubled!

Ronnie (Monarch),

Thank you for being willing to lend an ear. Right now...I just feel really alone in terms of my family. My husband while he is understanding, is part of the problem. Cleaning up after four people, tending to two day and night.... I feel like I am at my breaking point. A typical day for me is like this:

7:00 - 8:00 AM I wake up upon hearing my youngest stir and wake. Sometimes he will go right back to sleep. Most the time lately, he does not.

8:00 - 10:00 AM I take care of both children as needed should they both be up. I change their diapers, clothes, and try to get them some breakfast, if not get some started. Otherwise brew a fresh pot of coffee.

8:00 - 10:30 AM I attempt to get the hubby up after having confirmed a time the night before. Usually continue to do this every half hour to hour as requested until he gets up.

10:30 - 12:00 PM I usually will make sure everyone is up, dressed, and has eaten breakfast, and make lunch if anyone is hungry. Otherwise I sometimes have a weekly bible study around this time once a week. Pending the day, my oldest's speech therapist comes once a week also at this time. Should she not call and cancel or just pull a no call no show. My boy's speech therapist is usually pretty good though.

12:00 - 1:00 PM Depending on the day I will have bible study or my son will have therapy during this time. Otherwise we sit and have lunch. From there we sometimes try to sit as a family and watch a show or get some quality time in before hubby goes to work in the early evening.

1:00 - 3/4:00 PM Family time or leisure if possible. We will even watch the kids play and just discuss things such as things that need to be done. Otherwise this time is used to do errands, be it pay bills...grocery shop, turn in paper work for our assistance. Otherwise....I use this time for my work from home job.

4:00 - 5:00 PM On some days I have the family counselor come in at this hour to discuss progress and how my oldest is doing. This happens only twice a month. Every so often his Occupational Therapist, who I hear nothing from and never know if she is going to show tends to appear at this time and work with my oldest too. Rarely though on the same day as his counselor.

5:00 - 6:30 PM I make dinner and sit with the little ones to eat it. If the hubby is off, I strive to do the same or have him do so, with some prompting the schedule is kept.

6:30 - 7:30 PM Bathe the little ones and get some bed time preparation done. Last minute snacks and drinks are given at this time.

7:30 - 8:30 PM I attempt to get both boys down and laid by themselves before nine. This will be hopefully lowered down to 8 next month.

8:30 - 10:00 PM I do what house cleaning I can without waking the boys. I clean up their toys for the last time. Do some light sweeping and mopping. Otherwise make sure dinner is accessible and sometimes warmed up for hubby when he comes home for work. Otherwise turn out all remaining lights and get settled for the night.

My husband is a wonderful person, I will admit that, and likely be the first to say it too. Just trying to cope with our oldest's sleeping issues along side his own has been nerve wrecking. I have sat down with him numerous times to tell him how I feel overwhelmed, but still feel like it is a constant battle just to get his assistance with the simplest things such as dumping the trash. Yet he gets upset if I insist upon doing it as he does not mind helping. By the time he does though, it reaks and I am about ready to move out just from the smell in our utility room. It is disgusting! Every morning regardless of how late I stay up helping him or am up having trouble sleeping, I get up to take care of the children. While he....he gets the luxury of sleeping in. It annoys me to no end. Then when I say anything such as I am overwhelmed....family always says, that I have it easy and that my hubby is the one who has it hard. This makes me feel like I am insignificant, or perhaps that they feel sorry for him for marrying me. Either way....I feel like junk. So a great deal of the time I resort to stupid measures to make myself feel better such as dressing nice, putting on make up, but it does nothing. Nothing seems to help. One on one bible study with God just does not feel right as I just do not feel my heart going into it. Half the time anymore I feel as though I am starting to feel some resentment towards my spouse and family.

I am seriously considering counseling as I do not feel comfortable with our church family to talk about it.

Otherwise...I am at a loss....

[He giveth more grace]

When does, Dani, get her need and wants taken care of? A human being is a tri-part being, I'll start with the soul, your soul needs attending to not just spiritually, but in carnal way as well, fine food, favorite music, hobby, passions, intimate friendships, like that.

More later.

[Guest]

Praying~!

[gdemoss]

AnotherSinner,

How easy it is to get caught up in the thorns and thistle of this life.

How easy it is to look at things from our own shoes. Much of the time

seeing the actual truth that is being presented around us. We know

very well when we are under appreciated or taken for granted and these

things stab at our hearts and tempt us to respond. It is often too much

when others refuse to hear our cries as we cry out for some love to be

directed toward us.

Look to the savior and live. Look to the one who nobody ever really

appreciated and still many take for granted. The one who looked past

all of his hurts and pains to see the end of those who were mean and

hateful to him. His heart was to ask for their forgiveness. To sacrifice his

own feelings and emotions for the sake of anothers salvation. To give up

hope of having any kind of life here in order that many could live through

him.

The bible teaches that there are those who escape the corruption that

is in the world through lust through the knowledge of Jesus. It sounds

to me like there are many around you who suffer from the inability to escape

as they don't sound like they are embracing the light that has come into

the world. Truly I am not here to address them but to reach out to

you. If our hearts are not right with God then we will become envious when

another gets to sleep in when we don't or when anothers work load is

acknowledged when ours in fact is not. We begin to hurt first but that

pain turns into a hardened heart toward those who sin against us and

toward the God who is allowing them to do so. We can't get into bible

study as we ourselves are slipping in to sin because we are focused too

much on the sin of those who sin against us.

Here is my counsel. Forget all about who and what you are at this

moment. Remember who Christ is and what he has already done for you

in the past. Go back through this thread and read your posts as if you are

reading the post of a complete stranger and pray for them that they be

healed of anything that is wrong with them. Then pray for their

family and the problems they have because they are not bearing their

own crosses before the Lord. We really need to see our own situation

as God truly sees it. Overcome evil with good is his way. Is that what

you have been doing? If not don't sweat it, repent and grow in the

Lord some more.

Remember, for a good man some would even dare to die. Your willing

to do 'your part' if everyone else is on board but that isn't the right way.

Christ died for us while we were yet ungodly. We need to pick up our

cross, deny ourselves and serve him with all of our heart, mind and body

even when it isn't fair.

I am speaking from personal experience as I go through this with my

wife everyday. She treats me really poorly and with great disrespect.

I look to the Savior for strength and i love her anyway. I take her abusive

remarks and lack of care with a grain of salt and seek to help her see her end before

the judgment seat of Christ. I pray for her daily that God would reveal

himself to her and soften her heart. I love God because he first loved me.

My hope is that if I love my wife as Christ loved me, that maybe she will

come to know him through me and be saved.

Progressive sanctification is a matter of coming before the word of God

for an overdue bath. The fact that it is progressive means that we

must actually progress. Pray that he will mold you into a vessel unto

honor that is capable of serving even in the worst situations. Loving and

following God is easy when all is good. Being loyal when iniquity abounds

is what makes a saint, a saint.

In His Love, your in my heart, you hurt and now I hurt,

Gary

[Floatingaxe]

Isn't the husband's home his to care for as well?

I remember years ago struggling, pregnant with a toddler and housework while my husband worked shifts and being overwhelmed, having bought into the Cleaver family ideal---which is nonsense. My husband came home from work one afternoon and started vacuuming. I got upset when he asked me to life my legs so he could pass the vacuum underneath my feet. He noticed my tears and stopped. He asked me what the problem was. I told him that the vacuuming was my job, not his, but I am so tired! He straightened up and asked me, "Is this house my house, too?" I answered, "Yes." Then he asked, "Is this dirt mine, also?" My answer was yes. Then he asked, "Is this vacuum cleaner mine?"

'Yes."

"Then why can't I use my vacuum cleaner to clean the dirt I bring into this, my house?"

That encounter was back in 1979. He still vacuums.

[alien224]

I am right here my your side as a friend, as other will be, I am hear to listen to you. I understand you quandary your in, but more importantly so does your heavenly father. God know you more that you know youself and he is interested in your happiness and wholeness and he wants to fill you up with himself.

I will be thinking a praying for how to address this situation. Let not your heart be troubled!

Ronnie (Monarch),

Thank you for being willing to lend an ear. Right now...I just feel really alone in terms of my family. My husband while he is understanding, is part of the problem. Cleaning up after four people, tending to two day and night.... I feel like I am at my breaking point. A typical day for me is like this:

7:00 - 8:00 AM I wake up upon hearing my youngest stir and wake. Sometimes he will go right back to sleep. Most the time lately, he does not.

8:00 - 10:00 AM I take care of both children as needed should they both be up. I change their diapers, clothes, and try to get them some breakfast, if not get some started. Otherwise brew a fresh pot of coffee.

8:00 - 10:30 AM I attempt to get the hubby up after having confirmed a time the night before. Usually continue to do this every half hour to hour as requested until he gets up.

10:30 - 12:00 PM I usually will make sure everyone is up, dressed, and has eaten breakfast, and make lunch if anyone is hungry. Otherwise I sometimes have a weekly bible study around this time once a week. Pending the day, my oldest's speech therapist comes once a week also at this time. Should she not call and cancel or just pull a no call no show. My boy's speech therapist is usually pretty good though.

12:00 - 1:00 PM Depending on the day I will have bible study or my son will have therapy during this time. Otherwise we sit and have lunch. From there we sometimes try to sit as a family and watch a show or get some quality time in before hubby goes to work in the early evening.

1:00 - 3/4:00 PM Family time or leisure if possible. We will even watch the kids play and just discuss things such as things that need to be done. Otherwise this time is used to do errands, be it pay bills...grocery shop, turn in paper work for our assistance. Otherwise....I use this time for my work from home job.

4:00 - 5:00 PM On some days I have the family counselor come in at this hour to discuss progress and how my oldest is doing. This happens only twice a month. Every so often his Occupational Therapist, who I hear nothing from and never know if she is going to show tends to appear at this time and work with my oldest too. Rarely though on the same day as his counselor.

5:00 - 6:30 PM I make dinner and sit with the little ones to eat it. If the hubby is off, I strive to do the same or have him do so, with some prompting the schedule is kept.

6:30 - 7:30 PM Bathe the little ones and get some bed time preparation done. Last minute snacks and drinks are given at this time.

7:30 - 8:30 PM I attempt to get both boys down and laid by themselves before nine. This will be hopefully lowered down to 8 next month.

8:30 - 10:00 PM I do what house cleaning I can without waking the boys. I clean up their toys for the last time. Do some light sweeping and mopping. Otherwise make sure dinner is accessible and sometimes warmed up for hubby when he comes home for work. Otherwise turn out all remaining lights and get settled for the night.

My husband is a wonderful person, I will admit that, and likely be the first to say it too. Just trying to cope with our oldest's sleeping issues along side his own has been nerve wrecking. I have sat down with him numerous times to tell him how I feel overwhelmed, but still feel like it is a constant battle just to get his assistance with the simplest things such as dumping the trash. Yet he gets upset if I insist upon doing it as he does not mind helping. By the time he does though, it reaks and I am about ready to move out just from the smell in our utility room. It is disgusting! Every morning regardless of how late I stay up helping him or am up having trouble sleeping, I get up to take care of the children. While he....he gets the luxury of sleeping in. It annoys me to no end. Then when I say anything such as I am overwhelmed....family always says, that I have it easy and that my hubby is the one who has it hard. This makes me feel like I am insignificant, or perhaps that they feel sorry for him for marrying me. Either way....I feel like junk. So a great deal of the time I resort to stupid measures to make myself feel better such as dressing nice, putting on make up, but it does nothing. Nothing seems to help. One on one bible study with God just does not feel right as I just do not feel my heart going into it. Half the time anymore I feel as though I am starting to feel some resentment towards my spouse and family.

I am seriously considering counseling as I do not feel comfortable with our church family to talk about it.

Otherwise...I am at a loss....

I have been there and done that and it is hard. It has cost me everything trying to keep this special needs kid taken care of. My children are grown now and it is still quite a chore. No help from anyone. No one really cares. God cares and brings me through each day for some reason. I know he has a plan for me somewhere down the line. Pray and pray. Fast and pray and Please Please hold on to your marriage. I am praying things get better and your Husband will step up to the plate. They really even though they live there they really just kind of remove themselves somehow. ( 21 yrs later my ex still says rhere is nothing wrong with our son no matter how much doccumentation he has or how many dr's he talks to.) It is very very sad for all of us.

[He giveth more grace]

When does, Dani, get her need and wants taken care of? A human being is a tri-part being, I'll start with the soul, your soul needs attending to not just spiritually, but in carnal way as well, fine food, favorite music, hobby, passions, intimate friendships, like that.

More later.

Not in order, but I will address the body now. The body need proper sleep and rest, it needs REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, if your body doesn't fully recoup through sleep then, I don't know, we have to have that recoup in order to cope with the stress of the day.

The body needs proper nutrition, what are your meals like, do you snack between meals, please tell me you don't Munch on junk food. Your body needs to be detoxed, cleansed from garbage toxins by taken a anti-toxin. Do you walk the neigborhood, mingle with neigbors in the fresh air.

The spirit, small 's', needs God himself, Christ and the Holy Spirit. We need to read at least two chapter morning and evening, the word is refer to as water, the water of the word, washes away the things of this world and our own filth. Our true self the soul and spirit needs to worship in spirit and true,

Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

<P dir=ltr>Do you put on a praise and worship tape while you are working aroung the house, how about the Bible on cassette or MP3 player.

Next post of mine will be specifically where the rubber meets the road, I have say what you need to do for yourself.

God bless your little pea-picking heart, child. (Your too young to understand where pea-picking comes from.)

[nebula]

Dani

Women are designed for relationships, yet in our society we are isolated from each other. Do you have any friends you can go out with, even with the children?

As for your husband, I am wondering what may behind his lack of motivation at home. Might he be struggling with depression as well? Granted, I don't know all the details, so I am pulling from things I have been learning about people and relationships.

Now, I'm not saying this is the problem, but presenting a possibility to consider, and this isn't to make you feel bad, but looking for a potential problem that may need to be fixed, so to speak. As I read your words it is sounding as if you are not feeling loved. (If he loves me, why doesn't he...?) I have learned that women need to feel loved and men need to feel esteemed (built up). When a wife doesn't feel loved, she has a hard time showing esteem to her husband; when a husband does not feel esteemed, he has a hard time showing love to his wife. It's a downward spiral, where both are waiting for the other to change first, and thus both end the day feeling alienated from each other.

Again, I'm not trying to throw blame; this is an all-too-common occurrence in relationships that most people know little about. I don't know if you would be comfortable asking your husband if he is feeling esteemed, or if you feel comfortable sharing how you feel. The trick, though, is to share how you feel without blaming - "I feel [this way] when ..." rather than, "You make me feel ...."

I apologize if this sounds condescending or harsh; I don't mean it that way. You have a huge burden on your shoulders, and I can imagine this feels like adding more to it. Yet, there needs to be healing somehow.

Prayers for restoration.