I Have Had It.....Really

[winsomebulldog]

My heart aches for you. I cannot claim to have any experience with the issues involved with rearing special needs children, or any children at all, as we do not have any. However, twice in my life I have been a caretaker for a terminally ill family member. I remember very well how difficult that is. It goes far beyond the mere physical strain of the constant care involved. It is emotionally exhausting as well. That's something that many who haven't experienced a similar situation cannot really understand. When you listed some of the details of your typical day, I just couldn't help but think of my mother-in-law who died five years ago the first of this month. She was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and quite literally from the moment she was diagnosed, she required around the clock care. This care primarily fell to my husband and myself and it takes a real toll on a person over time. We filled that role for several months. I can only imagine the physical and emotional strain of being a full time caretaker for years.

As for your fears of depression, I can relate. I've suffered from it for my entire adult life. And while I know God has carried me through it, keeping me alive through times so dark and awful that death truly seemed like the only way out, I also know that He doesn't hold it against me that I eventually sought counseling or that I still take medication on a daily basis to help me resist that lying voice that tries to tell me I have no value and countless other things that only serve to beat me down to a pulp.

I have told my therapist that I find being a caretaker far more emotionally and physically exhausting than being the one in need of care. Just over a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My surgeries and treatments are now behind me and I won't pretend that the fight wasn't hard and often unpleasant, but the reality is that being the one who was sick and in need of care was far easier for me than having to be the one providing care. And it isn't because I just like being taken care of. It's because as the one who was "sick" I was able to just hand it all over to God and trust completely that whatever happened, it was part of His plan and would work out for the best. But when I'm the one taking care of someone I love, I suffer from the overwhelming desire to somehow "fix" things. I want to do anything that might possibly somehow make the one I love feel even the tiniest bit happier or better or just make them smile. It's because I love them and I'd go through anything for them.

I tell you this because I think you feel the same. You love your children and your husband with every fiber of your being so you are willing to give and give and give because you want to make things easier for them and you want to take care of them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that's the way we all ought to be, especially in relation to our families. But I have also learned that sometimes you need some time for yourself. It doesn't make you selfish, it is just a simple fact. You have said your husband is a good man and I have no reason to doubt that, but I also know that while work can be tiring and stressful, it is also a form of "escape" from stresses at home. Please understand that I absolutely do not want to come across as sound critical of him or anyone else. It's just a simple fact that going to a job outside the home affords that person a chance to "get away" from whatever stressful issues exist in the home. My husband learned and admitted as much while his mother was sick. His hours at work gave a chance to focus on something else for a little while. You, however, as the full-time care giver for your children are never afforded that break. You live with it day in and day out, every moment of every single day. I cannot begin to imagine how exhausted you must be.

I don't know if my words are at all helpful, but I do know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Despite some who claim otherwise, God never intended for women to the the sole caregivers of the children. We have unfortunately long been subjected to the culture of "Man work - woman raise kids."

Unfortunately, I don't have any easy answers to offer. There just aren't any. Pray, pray, pray simply comes across as sounding trite. It's always good advice, but I know that sometimes we can get to a place where it just isn't that simple. The only thing I can say is that you shouldn't feel like a failure for needing a break every now and then. More than once every several months. You've said that you've tried to talk to your husband about how overwhelmed you feel. In my experience, men often have no clue what that really means. My own husband, who I would fiercely argue is the best in the whole world spent easily the first half of our relationship and marriage essentially telling me to "get over it" in relation to my major depression. It wasn't that he didn't care. He simply could not fathom the concept and I wasn't any good at explaining it to him. Eventually, after more than a few years and a large number of major depressive episodes and a bit of research on the internet on his part, he started taking it all a lot more seriously. He still has no true understanding of it. He just can't wrap his brain around how depression works. But he understands that it is real and that it can't be ignored. The point being, your husband may well have no actual real understanding of that drowning sensation that is plaguing you. Men simply don't work the same way we do and it is often difficult to bridge those differences, regardless of how good the relationship is.

You've mentioned your family and while I know you have said they aren't as understanding or supportive as they could be, I wonder if they are willing to be at all helpful? I really don't like coming across as "telling you what to do" or "having all the answers" because I KNOW it doesn't work that way. But at the risk of sounding like a pretentious jerk, I wonder if you could explain to your husband that you need more "time off." Not that you aren't madly in love with your children, but that you just need a break. You don't have to "go out" or anything, but a little time for just the two of you or even for just you can go a long way. So, is there any way that your family could or would be willing to step in and perhaps agree to take the boys off your hands once in a while.

Gosh, I hate offering advice like this. Makes me feel so obnoxious. Seriously, my heart is just aching at the thought of how enormous the weight you are carrying must feel to you. I don't know if your family or even your church family might have someone in it that could fill the role of "baby sitter" for a short while for you. Just long enough for you to get some time to focus on yourself. I do know that you deserve it and that you aren't somehow a "bad" mom or wife for feeling the strain.

Forgive me if I have come across as pretentious. I just want you to know you are not alone. In truth, all I can really do is lift you up to the Lord. Trite as it can sometimes feel and sound, He is the ultimate problem solver. And as one of my favorite expressions goes, "Sometimes He calms the storm, sometimes He calms His child." I pray He grants you peace and rest and a solution to the stress you are feeling. If you believe you need to see a counselor, do so. Believe me when I tell you that it's much easier to "nip it in the bud" than to wait until depression has fully bloomed and pulled you down into it's black pit. And if you do wind up seeking out counseling, don't let anyone tell you that your need for help isn't real or is only based in selfishness. Don't let anyone bully you into believing that it will all just go away if you'll simply have more faith or pray more often. Depression is a disease just like cancer or diabetes. It is not something to feel ashamed about. And even if you aren't suffering from major depression, the stress you are under alone is enough reason to seek out someone to talk to who won't be judgmental and make you feel like you're just feeling sorry for yourself.

God bless you, dear sister in Christ.

[enoob57]

The worst enemy I have is me.... It is constantly slipping through aligning itself to my mind as truth - but what is truth?

Our Father has instructed through His Son that we die to ourselves and live to Him first and then to others.... we have

been empowered to do this by His Spirit to do so in the New Born part of the redeemed Spirit...

We are speaking of a love in our world today ... is it?

Matt 24:12-13

12 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. 13 But he who endures to the end shall be saved.

NKJV

What Neb has said is excellent council get out and minister an fellowship with other children of God...

The key is to make sure fellowship portion is with people who understand what Love 'IS' selfless engagement with God...

Love, Steven

[~Shalhevet~]

You sound just like me about 4 years ago. Being a stay at home parent is the toughest job I ever had. And it's even harder when you don't feel appreciated and perhaps even if you are fighting depression. Have you talked openly with your husband about how you feel?

[He giveth more grace]

Our brother, Steven (enoob57) reminded me of something, it is called the "Resurrected Life", the "Christ Life", "death to self", "walking in the Spirit", and the "Spirit-filled Life". It is a doctrine that teaches us that "in Christ" we died and in Ephesians we read "In him", "In whom" , I need to refresh my memory because I know there are other "In (pronoun)" verses.

God idenified, placed us, included us in the death of Jesus Christ, and when he died we also died. When Christ rose, we in kind also arose, to walk in newness of life.

Christ resurrected life now dwell inside the being of every believer. We are to see and reckon ourselves (the old man we use to me) as dead and Christ as alive and powerful in our hearts, his life lived though us in might and victory.

Please research the Christ Life and learn how to dwell in his life.

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. Gal. 2:20

[He giveth more grace]

The Resurrected Life (Christ living in you) gives you power and joy to multi-task.

[AnotherSinner]

AnotherSinner,

How easy it is to get caught up in the thorns and thistle of this life.

How easy it is to look at things from our own shoes. Much of the time

seeing the actual truth that is being presented around us. We know

very well when we are under appreciated or taken for granted and these

things stab at our hearts and tempt us to respond. It is often too much

when others refuse to hear our cries as we cry out for some love to be

directed toward us.

Look to the savior and live. Look to the one who nobody ever really

appreciated and still many take for granted. The one who looked past

all of his hurts and pains to see the end of those who were mean and

hateful to him. His heart was to ask for their forgiveness. To sacrifice his

own feelings and emotions for the sake of anothers salvation. To give up

hope of having any kind of life here in order that many could live through

him.

The bible teaches that there are those who escape the corruption that

is in the world through lust through the knowledge of Jesus. It sounds

to me like there are many around you who suffer from the inability to escape

as they don't sound like they are embracing the light that has come into

the world. Truly I am not here to address them but to reach out to

you. If our hearts are not right with God then we will become envious when

another gets to sleep in when we don't or when anothers work load is

acknowledged when ours in fact is not. We begin to hurt first but that

pain turns into a hardened heart toward those who sin against us and

toward the God who is allowing them to do so. We can't get into bible

study as we ourselves are slipping in to sin because we are focused too

much on the sin of those who sin against us.

Here is my counsel. Forget all about who and what you are at this

moment. Remember who Christ is and what he has already done for you

in the past. Go back through this thread and read your posts as if you are

reading the post of a complete stranger and pray for them that they be

healed of anything that is wrong with them. Then pray for their

family and the problems they have because they are not bearing their

own crosses before the Lord. We really need to see our own situation

as God truly sees it. Overcome evil with good is his way. Is that what

you have been doing? If not don't sweat it, repent and grow in the

Lord some more.

Remember, for a good man some would even dare to die. Your willing

to do 'your part' if everyone else is on board but that isn't the right way.

Christ died for us while we were yet ungodly. We need to pick up our

cross, deny ourselves and serve him with all of our heart, mind and body

even when it isn't fair.

I am speaking from personal experience as I go through this with my

wife everyday. She treats me really poorly and with great disrespect.

I look to the Savior for strength and i love her anyway. I take her abusive

remarks and lack of care with a grain of salt and seek to help her see her end before

the judgment seat of Christ. I pray for her daily that God would reveal

himself to her and soften her heart. I love God because he first loved me.

My hope is that if I love my wife as Christ loved me, that maybe she will

come to know him through me and be saved.

Progressive sanctification is a matter of coming before the word of God

for an overdue bath. The fact that it is progressive means that we

must actually progress. Pray that he will mold you into a vessel unto

honor that is capable of serving even in the worst situations. Loving and

following God is easy when all is good. Being loyal when iniquity abounds

is what makes a saint, a saint.

In His Love, your in my heart, you hurt and now I hurt,

Gary

Gary,

This insight is much appreciated. In my heart, I truly think I was heading this way. For the past few mornings I actually did find myself feeling rather bitter

towards my husband for his ability to sleep in while I tend to the little ones. Going to do some praying about this. Try to look at it from the beautiful picture

you painted here for me. Jesus did endure so much more, and he was blameless....yet his sacrifice is not acknowledge or goes unappreciated by so many.

Thank you...this was much needed.

May God Bless You

Dani

[AnotherSinner]

You sound just like me about 4 years ago. Being a stay at home parent is the toughest job I ever had. And it's even harder when you don't feel appreciated and perhaps even if you are fighting depression. Have you talked openly with your husband about how you feel?

Yes but sometimes that talking...on both ends, turns into a bunch of bickering. He is not happy when family discontent turns into such with his mother or his side of the familiy as well.

He is the youngest of three and a big time momma's boy. Love him for it too, though at times it drives me insane. Tend to feel cornered by both sides of the family in terms of being

judged or having 'an easy life' compared to my own spouse. It breaks my heart especially when I am trying so hard to make things better for that same person along with my little

ones. Even if it is just within the home.

I am at the point where I would rather not talk because nothing ever changes. Think the best thing for me to do at this point is pray for the strength and patience to bear it. If Jesus

bore all our sins to Calvary without complaint...and we are taught to walk in His footsteps, and pick up our own crosses, the least I can do is try.

May God Bless You

Dani

[AnotherSinner]

My heart aches for you. I cannot claim to have any experience with the issues involved with rearing special needs children, or any children at all, as we do not have any. However, twice in my life I have been a caretaker for a terminally ill family member. I remember very well how difficult that is. It goes far beyond the mere physical strain of the constant care involved. It is emotionally exhausting as well. That's something that many who haven't experienced a similar situation cannot really understand. When you listed some of the details of your typical day, I just couldn't help but think of my mother-in-law who died five years ago the first of this month. She was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and quite literally from the moment she was diagnosed, she required around the clock care. This care primarily fell to my husband and myself and it takes a real toll on a person over time. We filled that role for several months. I can only imagine the physical and emotional strain of being a full time caretaker for years.

As for your fears of depression, I can relate. I've suffered from it for my entire adult life. And while I know God has carried me through it, keeping me alive through times so dark and awful that death truly seemed like the only way out, I also know that He doesn't hold it against me that I eventually sought counseling or that I still take medication on a daily basis to help me resist that lying voice that tries to tell me I have no value and countless other things that only serve to beat me down to a pulp.

I have told my therapist that I find being a caretaker far more emotionally and physically exhausting than being the one in need of care. Just over a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My surgeries and treatments are now behind me and I won't pretend that the fight wasn't hard and often unpleasant, but the reality is that being the one who was sick and in need of care was far easier for me than having to be the one providing care. And it isn't because I just like being taken care of. It's because as the one who was "sick" I was able to just hand it all over to God and trust completely that whatever happened, it was part of His plan and would work out for the best. But when I'm the one taking care of someone I love, I suffer from the overwhelming desire to somehow "fix" things. I want to do anything that might possibly somehow make the one I love feel even the tiniest bit happier or better or just make them smile. It's because I love them and I'd go through anything for them.

I tell you this because I think you feel the same. You love your children and your husband with every fiber of your being so you are willing to give and give and give because you want to make things easier for them and you want to take care of them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that's the way we all ought to be, especially in relation to our families. But I have also learned that sometimes you need some time for yourself. It doesn't make you selfish, it is just a simple fact. You have said your husband is a good man and I have no reason to doubt that, but I also know that while work can be tiring and stressful, it is also a form of "escape" from stresses at home. Please understand that I absolutely do not want to come across as sound critical of him or anyone else. It's just a simple fact that going to a job outside the home affords that person a chance to "get away" from whatever stressful issues exist in the home. My husband learned and admitted as much while his mother was sick. His hours at work gave a chance to focus on something else for a little while. You, however, as the full-time care giver for your children are never afforded that break. You live with it day in and day out, every moment of every single day. I cannot begin to imagine how exhausted you must be.

I don't know if my words are at all helpful, but I do know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Despite some who claim otherwise, God never intended for women to the the sole caregivers of the children. We have unfortunately long been subjected to the culture of "Man work - woman raise kids."

Unfortunately, I don't have any easy answers to offer. There just aren't any. Pray, pray, pray simply comes across as sounding trite. It's always good advice, but I know that sometimes we can get to a place where it just isn't that simple. The only thing I can say is that you shouldn't feel like a failure for needing a break every now and then. More than once every several months. You've said that you've tried to talk to your husband about how overwhelmed you feel. In my experience, men often have no clue what that really means. My own husband, who I would fiercely argue is the best in the whole world spent easily the first half of our relationship and marriage essentially telling me to "get over it" in relation to my major depression. It wasn't that he didn't care. He simply could not fathom the concept and I wasn't any good at explaining it to him. Eventually, after more than a few years and a large number of major depressive episodes and a bit of research on the internet on his part, he started taking it all a lot more seriously. He still has no true understanding of it. He just can't wrap his brain around how depression works. But he understands that it is real and that it can't be ignored. The point being, your husband may well have no actual real understanding of that drowning sensation that is plaguing you. Men simply don't work the same way we do and it is often difficult to bridge those differences, regardless of how good the relationship is.

You've mentioned your family and while I know you have said they aren't as understanding or supportive as they could be, I wonder if they are willing to be at all helpful? I really don't like coming across as "telling you what to do" or "having all the answers" because I KNOW it doesn't work that way. But at the risk of sounding like a pretentious jerk, I wonder if you could explain to your husband that you need more "time off." Not that you aren't madly in love with your children, but that you just need a break. You don't have to "go out" or anything, but a little time for just the two of you or even for just you can go a long way. So, is there any way that your family could or would be willing to step in and perhaps agree to take the boys off your hands once in a while.

Gosh, I hate offering advice like this. Makes me feel so obnoxious. Seriously, my heart is just aching at the thought of how enormous the weight you are carrying must feel to you. I don't know if your family or even your church family might have someone in it that could fill the role of "baby sitter" for a short while for you. Just long enough for you to get some time to focus on yourself. I do know that you deserve it and that you aren't somehow a "bad" mom or wife for feeling the strain.

Forgive me if I have come across as pretentious. I just want you to know you are not alone. In truth, all I can really do is lift you up to the Lord. Trite as it can sometimes feel and sound, He is the ultimate problem solver. And as one of my favorite expressions goes, "Sometimes He calms the storm, sometimes He calms His child." I pray He grants you peace and rest and a solution to the stress you are feeling. If you believe you need to see a counselor, do so. Believe me when I tell you that it's much easier to "nip it in the bud" than to wait until depression has fully bloomed and pulled you down into it's black pit. And if you do wind up seeking out counseling, don't let anyone tell you that your need for help isn't real or is only based in selfishness. Don't let anyone bully you into believing that it will all just go away if you'll simply have more faith or pray more often. Depression is a disease just like cancer or diabetes. It is not something to feel ashamed about. And even if you aren't suffering from major depression, the stress you are under alone is enough reason to seek out someone to talk to who won't be judgmental and make you feel like you're just feeling sorry for yourself.

God bless you, dear sister in Christ.

Winsomebulldog,

You are not pretentious at all. Your insight is much appreciated. In the past I had considered this option. However, trust is not something I would easily give even to my hubby's mother or family.

As mine is a long distance away and are not big on taking care of small children after raising six of their own. My parents feel it is my job to tend to my little ones, and that I surely do not argue with.

My hubby's family....well, a lot of them are drinkers. Aside from that my sister in law lives with my mother in law, this is mostly due to her life choices which are still ones in need of a lot of prayer. For she tends to bring it with her to her mother's house and her mother while she does not condone it, does nothing to put an end to it. In short, I feel it is not the safest enviroment for my children and do not want to run the risk of them being taken away. A lot of the time, if my boys go over there it is when I know it is just their grandma and grandpa home as they tend to the boys and usually do not have any questionable company with questionably legal habits within their home. For I have seen illegal things go on in that household while my husband's sister is there of which while have become less frequent have not stopped...which is why I keep his family at an arms length and pray for them a lot. There has also been a family member of a young age without proper discipline who tends to get agressive towards everything and everyone that is there on occassion and again....just do not feel safe bringing my children there while he is present.

This probably sounds like I am passing judgement....but I do not mean to do so. My resources and outlets are very short listed here.

Will surely pray for guidance though on this matter, and see what can be done. Thank you

May God Bless You

[AnotherSinner]

Dani

Women are designed for relationships, yet in our society we are isolated from each other. Do you have any friends you can go out with, even with the children?

As for your husband, I am wondering what may behind his lack of motivation at home. Might he be struggling with depression as well? Granted, I don't know all the details, so I am pulling from things I have been learning about people and relationships.

Now, I'm not saying this is the problem, but presenting a possibility to consider, and this isn't to make you feel bad, but looking for a potential problem that may need to be fixed, so to speak. As I read your words it is sounding as if you are not feeling loved. (If he loves me, why doesn't he...?) I have learned that women need to feel loved and men need to feel esteemed (built up). When a wife doesn't feel loved, she has a hard time showing esteem to her husband; when a husband does not feel esteemed, he has a hard time showing love to his wife. It's a downward spiral, where both are waiting for the other to change first, and thus both end the day feeling alienated from each other.

Again, I'm not trying to throw blame; this is an all-too-common occurrence in relationships that most people know little about. I don't know if you would be comfortable asking your husband if he is feeling esteemed, or if you feel comfortable sharing how you feel. The trick, though, is to share how you feel without blaming - "I feel [this way] when ..." rather than, "You make me feel ...."

I apologize if this sounds condescending or harsh; I don't mean it that way. You have a huge burden on your shoulders, and I can imagine this feels like adding more to it. Yet, there needs to be healing somehow.

Prayers for restoration.

Nebula,

You ask a good question, could he be struggling with depression as well? In truth, yes he could. Learning what we have of our oldest son has been relieving yet utterly draining. It puts a lot of weight on both of us. Although at the time I feel like I am carrying much of the load. It is going to be up to him to get us from point A to point B in the vechicle, as well as make sure our vehicle has the gas and can make such trips back and forth to the specialists. He is going to have to pull the extra hours to make up for the days he is gone for both trips to see both specialists just so we can continue to get by. Those tasks are by no means small.

At this point we have no dates set for seeing either ear or sleep specialists as we are waiting on my oldest's report to come through so we can present that to his physician and get some referrals as well as recommendations.

You asked me....do I feel loved?

It comes and goes. When he pours me a cup of coffee I brewed a little earlier and have not gotten around to doing myself, I sure do! Then at other times when I have two fussy boys to tend to and he is sleeping and I ask for help and he responds sounding like a grouch, or grumpy old bear....I feel pretty pathetic and small.

Still....will think on all you said here. Just as I am taking in what everyone else is saying into account. There is a lot of good sound advice here, and I would be a fool to not consider taking it.

May God Bless You

Dani

[AnotherSinner]

When does, Dani, get her need and wants taken care of? A human being is a tri-part being, I'll start with the soul, your soul needs attending to not just spiritually, but in carnal way as well, fine food, favorite music, hobby, passions, intimate friendships, like that.

More later.

Not in order, but I will address the body now. The body need proper sleep and rest, it needs REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, if your body doesn't fully recoup through sleep then, I don't know, we have to have that recoup in order to cope with the stress of the day.

The body needs proper nutrition, what are your meals like, do you snack between meals, please tell me you don't Munch on junk food. Your body needs to be detoxed, cleansed from garbage toxins by taken a anti-toxin. Do you walk the neigborhood, mingle with neigbors in the fresh air.

The spirit, small 's', needs God himself, Christ and the Holy Spirit. We need to read at least two chapter morning and evening, the word is refer to as water, the water of the word, washes away the things of this world and our own filth. Our true self the soul and spirit needs to worship in spirit and true,

Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

<P dir=ltr>Do you put on a praise and worship tape while you are working aroung the house, how about the Bible on cassette or MP3 player.

Next post of mine will be specifically where the rubber meets the road, I have say what you need to do for yourself.

God bless your little pea-picking heart, child. (Your too young to understand where pea-picking comes from.)

Sleep is a major issue in this house. One I took the liberty of addressing to a point last night. At the present though, there is only so much we can do. That is until we get our oldest into a sleep specialist. Last night I made sure to go to bed not long after my little ones were in bed. Made sure to be as alert as possible so that away if either stirred, I could get up and into action. Woke up a few times, but that is normal for the time being as my youngest is getting two new teeth. The oldest, well we are working towards adressing his sleep issues.

My boys and I have started to get into a habit of eating breakfast together. There for a while I did not eat at least until lunch time, but not letting a little grogginess or issues with digestion get in my way there. Will sit down to a bowl of cream of wheat or cereal, if not some fruit in the mornings now. Lunch, I tend to miss. The little ones are fed though. Unless we had a big breakfast and no one seems to be hungry. I do munch a bit....on anything from carrots to an occassional pretzel, but I do try to watch what I eat to a point. Dinner is usually well balanced if I can help it. Usually do not get too big on the junk food come dinner. Try to do some remotely healthy meals like grilled chicken with veggies or macaroni, if not both on the side. If one thing is for sure...I try to make a healthy or remotely so in the home.

Do not really get out much unless hubby is up and I can get his help with the boys. Usually those trips out entail getting the mail, or buying some odds and ends at a store that is three blocks over. Otherwise we usually all go out together to run errands just to get out of the house. Got birthdays coming up and fortunately they are Spring ones, so planning some picnic like settings for at least one.

Nonetheless, there is always room for improvement. Will try the hymn suggestion while house cleaning and things, it may help.

May God Bless You

Dani