Whether to let daughter go on web site?

[finding God (angel)]

I hope your daughter and you get a strong relationship.I am 14 I veryly speak if at all with my dad.You know has your daughter ever seen you visit worthy.She might like it here.Maybe you and her can sit down and look at some sites and you can tell her what your thoughts are on the site.She will come to you when she needs you if you don't try to act like you own the place since it is only been like 4 years.She will make mistakes but you know we all do.God will tell you what to do if you ask him.You should try and sit down with your daughter and read the bible or find some youth and teen groups she can go and learn bout the Lord.Her friends that she talks and hangs with may not be christians but if your daughter gets a bond with the Lord she might get her friends to become christians.or she may get new friends a start a new journey.

Sorry what I said didn't make sense but o well.

[yomotalking]

Carlos,

You really made me laugh when you described the teenagers with their "language"!

I am a teenager, but I don't like it either! Not ALL teenagers speak in the way you have described. They only act and speak that way because the pressure from their peers is so great, they have to "go with the flow."

As you said in your post, you can't stand teenage girls. Does your daughter know this? If she brings her friends round, and sees that you don't like them, it will be difficult to build a loving relationship with her. Keep trying to be a good Dad to her.

Finding God (Angel), I think you did very well in your post, and it made perfect sense.

Yomo

[carlos123]

Sorry what I said didn't make sense but o well.

I think what you said made lots of sense "finding God (angel)". Good input for a 14 years old if you ask me!

I don't think I would like her to come on Worthy Boards since I have shared some things in some posts that I would not neccessarily want her to know. Such as the kinds of problems me and her mom are having in our marriage. Not that I have shared anything that would blow her away mind you but on the other hand I am not sure she would find my description of things very encouraging and it might do more harm than good to our relationship.

She does have some Christian friends but the one's I have met and have gotten to know somewhat are very nominal in their Christian walk. They are surface Christians if they are even Christians at all if you know what I mean. Her very best friend is one such "Christian". This Chrisitian has treated our daughter like garbage sometimes and both me and my wife do not appreciate her continued choice of her as her best friend. She stays with her because in her own words "maybe she will change.".

Most youth groups around here are your typical Sunday church youth groups where they all get together, read the Word somewhat, and have a good time. With an emphasis on having a good time mind you. But though she has gone to a thousand and one nights of youth group meetings her walk with Christ is likewise very shallow and superficial. I say that because me and her and my wife started reading the Bible together once and me and my wife were both very surprised by her lack of spiritual insight in things.

I suppose that just adds to my disdain for your typical Sunday church youth group which I tend to view as a joke in terms of helping the teens really get a grip on their walk with God, learn to respect and honor their parents, and stand strong in the Lord against the peer pressure that drives teens to want to be like every other teen and to be so accepted that they will do most anything to stay accepted.

My daughter is like a whole different person around her friends. It's quite amazing for me to see this. I have given her rides to and from school and quite often her friends have bummed rides from me. I sit there and listen to them talking and I see our daughter just caving in and being one of the crowd of her friends just to fit in. All her Christian upbringing from us and from the youth groups she is in seems to fly out the window.

She has admitted to me, having a terrible self-esteem and doesn't quite know what to do about it. That's where I hope to come in in the next few months to build a better relationship with her and to help her see that self-esteem ultimately must be rooted in what God thinks of us.

She is willing to look into the Word with me which is very good. I sorta gave her an ultimatum as she was using a lot of sarcasm with me to the point where it was getting really disrespectful. As in "Duh!!" and you know....the typical teeny linguo to put down others and build yourself up.

So I told her that either she would be without TV for one day every single time I even thought she was being sarcastic or else she could choose to get into the Word with me and look at sarcasm and what God might say about it as a way to come to agreement on her use of it. With the understanding that I might be wrong in my view of things as much as that she might be.

I guess you could say I forced her hand but at least she is willing to look into the Word and I am looking forward to that.

It's hard because for a long time I tried to be her father but gave up when she just would not accept me as such. Some of that was my fault of course but the battle to be her dad was lost before I even hit the ground in terms of coming into her life. I was not there for 12 years until I married her mom.

Recently I turned my life over to the Lord afresh and now that I have I cannot just sit there and let her be. I must as best as I can, and prayerfully so, try and be a dad to her. Even if she never accepts me as such.

Carlos

[carlos123]

You really made me laugh when you described the teenagers with their "language"!   

I'm glad someone got a laugh out it .

It's really quite funny to hear teens talking. Especially teen girls. It's downright facinating sometimes. They are like strange creatures from another dimension or something

I am a teenager, but I don't like it either! 

Amazing Yomo! May I ask if you are North American or from some other part of the world? When I lived in Europe the teens there were quite different and much, much better in terms of respecting their elders, acting like a young adults instead of like groupies, and so forth. I was quite impressed with European teens at least back in the late 1970's. Of course a lot may have changed since then.

I was a teenager myself back then and on a number of occassions I was downright embarrassed to be seen as a compatriot of my North American teenage friends by the locals. Siince my friends tended to act so downright childish and silly sometimes when compared to local teenagers in Spain for example.

I myself tended to be somewhat of a loner and couldn't stand giving in to the crowd of teenies around me just to be cool and fit in. I was the only kid in my high school (boarding school for American kids in Palma de Mallorca, Spain) who did not get drunk on arriving at the school for a new year.

I honestly just can't fathom this groupy mentality that seems so prevalent among teenagers these days. I mean I can understand it intellectually but I can't wrap my head around how teenagers put so much stock on being accepted by the group. It's almost as if they have no personality of their own.

They only act and speak that way because the pressure from their peers is so great, they have to "go with the flow."

Don't teenagers think for themselves? I mean don't they realize that giving in to peer pressure is such an uncool thing to do? All the more if they profess to be Christ followers. I just don't get it.

As you said in your post, you can't stand teenage girls. Does your daughter know this?

Kinda. I don't think she knows that I think teenage girls are incredibly shallow in their thinking. But she does know that I have a problem with teens in general.

If she brings her friends round, and sees that you don't like them, it will be difficult to build a loving relationship with her.

That's the part that just floors me. Instead of realizing that we, as parents, want what is best for her and instead of trusting God to know what is best through us at this formative stage in her life, we are faced with a teenager with whom it will be difficult to build a loving relationship with if we don't like her friends! If what you saying is true Yomo what an absurdity!

I mean if her friends are really not good for her, and if she is desperately hanging on to them hoping that they will change and so that she might fit in with some group, it would seem that she should give up her friends and open herself up to a loving relationship with parents that love her rather than scrapping her parents in her heart and siding with friends who are not good for her?

I just don't understand teens these days. And especially Christian teens that act more like wordly teens. I mean do we just throw out what God says about honoring your parents? Or letting God lead you through the authorities in your life? Or trusting Him and standing for what is right when all around us might end up ridiculing us for it?

It's like "Christian" teens give lip service to what God says but live like your typical worldly teen. I just don't get it. I know I am generalizing but I can count on ONE finger the number of teens I have met in the last ten years that was Christlike in their walk and one that I could respect.

Carlos

[finding God (angel)]

I am a teenage girl I am not shallow.We teens give in to peer pressure but you parents don't know how hard it is.We got pressures at home and school.Like nothing ever ends for us.We got pressure to do drugs,have sex,go to parties that aren't good,not to listen to our parets,and stuff that is school.Home is like examples here:parents,trying to make good grades,trying to obey our parents.

We are told what to do and half the time never get to tell our side of the story.We always blamed for stuff we may not do but parents jump to cuonclusions way to fast.

No offense to you carlos.But I got friends to help out.My friend said her stepdad tried to take the place of her dad and she didn't want that.She said she just wanted an older guy to talk to and be there to help.She said her stepdad tried to hard.

[carlos123]

I am a teenage girl I am not shallow.

I'm glad you think that of yourself Angel though I suspect most teenage girls would say that of themselves I think .

We teens give in to peer pressure but you parents don't know how hard it is.

Like most teens you seem to forget that I was a teenager myself once Angel and that by virtue of that I do too know how hard it can be. At the same time I also know from personal experience that a teen does not have to give in to peer pressure and can be their own person. If they choose to be. It's a matter of choice. When I was a teen I made choices in line with being my own person though I was not a Christian. How much more is it possible for teens who are genuine Christians to walk to the beat of different drummer in Christ's call to them if they choose to trust and follow Him.

There is never any excuse for following the crowd in doing wrong or in acting in a way that does not honor God. Teenager or not.

The presumption that we parents don't know how hard it is, is a lie Angel. It is true that we may not be sensitive to what a teen is struggling with (in no small part because teens tend to not communicate with their parents about what is going on in their hearts). Perhaps we forget some aspects of what it was like to be a teenager. But the fact remains that we were teens ourselves once.

As the book of Ecclesiastes says, there is nothing new under the sun. Though teens seem inclined to believe that somehow what they are going through is so special and so unique that us parents could not possibly comprehend what they are going through.

We got pressures at home and school.Like nothing ever ends for us.We got pressure to do drugs,have sex,go to parties that aren't good,not to listen to our parets,and stuff that is school.Home is like examples here:parents,trying to make good grades,trying to obey our parents.

Yup! I had all that and more Angel. Nothing new there. I was pressured to do pot by my "friends" big time. I was pressured big time to have sex not only by the culture of my teen years but also by virtue of seeing and hearing things I should not have heard. I had big pressures at home and at school. I even left home early to go a boarding school that was away from home. I had to switch schools several times as a result of my dad's work with all the disruption that it caused. My dad worked his butt off trying to get through college and make it to support us as a family. And I too had a real hard time being obedient at times.

Like I said nothing new in all of that Angel.

We are told what to do and half the time never get to tell our side of the story.We always blamed for stuff we may not do but parents jump to cuonclusions way to fast.

I used to routinely get blamed for what my brothers and sisters did since I was the older kid and should have known better than them what to do. Many a time I was blamed for what they actually did though I had nothing to do with it. As for getting told what to do, my dad was great in providing for us, but he tended to be somewhat authoritarian in how he expected us to do things. Such that I often could not freely express much of any disagreement. I well remember my parents jumping to conclusions and punishing me for things I had not done.

Despite all that I still had a pretty good childhood and yes, I was a teenager too Angel. There is no excuse under the sun for the way teenagers act these days. None at all.

No offense to you carlos.

None taken Angel. I appreciate your input. It's neat to discuss these things with other teens. I hope I have in turn not offended you by what I have said above Angel though I would add that if teens come on this board that they should in turn expect to be treated like young adults such that their thinking will be scrutinized and corrected just as mine is from time to time .

But I got friends to help out.My friend said her stepdad tried to take the place of her dad and she didn't want that.She said she just wanted an older guy to talk to and be there to help.She said her stepdad tried to hard.

I may indeed have tried too hard when I first entered our daughters life 5 years ago. But I quickly gave that approach up, along with falling away from God, and have not tried at all until just recently. To my shame, during most of the last 5 years, I have mostly stayed away from my stepdaughter not wanting to deal with her at all. Me and her even got counseling about our relationship and the end result was that the rejection of me as a father had more to do with her issues than anything in me.

Be that as it may I still have a solemn responsibility, which I have recently picked up again, to be the best role model and father figure I can be for her and I hope and pray that by God's grace I might undo some of the damage that my emotional absence has done over the course of the last few years.

Overall I am blessed with and thank God for a teenage daughter who, although being like many teens seem to be in how she communicates, dresses, etc., is unlike so many in being committed to remaining a virgin until she marries, not cussing and using vulgar language, doing drugs, and any number of other things. My wife did a great job with her though she was unintentionally somewhat handicapped in not having had a man around to help raise our daughter.

Carlos

[finding God (angel)]

Yes but you parents were teens you act like you don't know how it is to have peer pressures.But somethings we go through may not be what you've been through.

You didn't hurt me I am a strong teen or kid which ever you call me.I been through a lot so I can stand my ground.

Don't give up this time don't force your daughter too much or you won't have a daughter if you get what I mean.

My parents could careless what I do or anything anymore they act like I am not alive.

Your daughter may also not trust you or she has tough issues about her real dad.May she figures you will leave her also.I don't know did her real dad divorce from her mom I guessing.She may think if she gets close to you that you will leave her and then she'll have nobody as a father.

[yomotalking]

Carlos,

I am 13, born in Romania, adopted in England, where I now live. I'm homeschooled, so (luckily) am out of the school system.

It's not that amazing that I don't like "Teen Speech." To be honest, I think that they sound like "Weirdoes From Another Planet" LOL! (Calvin and Hobbes)

My closest friend is at school, but she doesn't speak like that and none of my homeschool friends do, either.

The pressure on teenagers is so great, it is suffocating. I've been going to Girl Guides, and even one evening a week of that put terrible pressure on me...so much so I have told them I am leaving. (Occasionaly, it's good to show a clean pair of heels!) LOL!!

As we are changing from children to young adults, we automaticaly rely on friends, and the people we associate with, to help us, as well as our family.

But when we see other teenagers, in that changing period of time, acting all "cool" and wanting to be independent from their parents, because we are emtionally "unstable" at this time, we feel we have to comply.

Your daughter probably knows that you want the best for her, but I think you are expecting her to behave like an adult, and have adult emotions. If she was capable

of that, you wouldn't have a problem. But you are expecting her to have a loving relationship with you, while you have said yourself that you practically ignored her, until recently.

It may have been different for you when you were her age, but you were a boy, and it IS different for girls. We are at the mercy of our Hormones!!

I totally agree with you about Christian Teens, but not all of us are like that.

It does sound as though your daughter has had a lot to cope with through the years. The best thing to do now, is to really love her.

Yomo

[carlos123]

Hi Yomo,

I am 13, born in Romania, adopted in England, where I now live. I'm homeschooled, so (luckily) am out of the school system.

Although you are only 13 Yomo your have wisdom beyond your years I think and it is encouraging to see. As I suspected you are not a North American (U.S. or Canadian) teen. Although it is not impossible to find teens who think like you do in North America, in my personal experience it is much rarer than where you are from.

All the better that you are home schooled and away from all the incredible garbage being fostered on our young people through a school system that is being overrun by deception and ungodly thinking and perspectives.

In many respects I think the European mind set these days in their rabid, irrational anti-Americanism and anti-Israel thinking is off the wall yet their culture has something in it that produces more mature teens I think.

Whereas the culture in North America seems to produce teens that are ... well .... less than mature and many times downright silly in their tendency to among other things, group together like lemmings and follow each other over the cliff just to fit in.

I myself was born in Chile, South America so perhaps one reason that I was brought up to be a different teen than most these days is that I too was not raised in Morth America during my most formative years nor with a North American mind set in our home.

It's not that amazing that I don't like "Teen Speech." 

Yeah I must admit that it's not amazing. I was bieng a little fascitious .

The pressure on teenagers is so great, it is suffocating. I've been going to Girl Guides, and even one evening a week of that put terrible pressure on me...so much so I have told them I am leaving. (Occasionaly, it's good to show a clean pair of heels!) LOL!! 

Good for you Yomo! Even though you are feeling the peer pressure you are not giving in to it and following what you believe to be right without compromising. Such steps on your part will well prepare you for adult life where you will still feel crowd pressure.

You will feel it in your work place when woimen talk dirty about guys. You will feel it when women around you start to gossip and exaggerate things to the point of irrationality. You will feel it when those around you compromise and tell "white lies" and otherwise do whatever it takes to get ahead in life while you are left feeling alone in standing for what is right.

The way you deal with pressure now as a teen will determine to a great extent how well you are able to stand for righteosness through your life as an adult. If you can go against the tide as a teen, assuming you are relying on Christ and doing it out of conciousness of Him, you will certainly be able to do it as an adult!

If this world needs anthing it needs people who are willing to walk the road that Jesus walked. He stood for what was right and true against all the pressure brougth to bear upon Him by those around Him who hated him. Even his own disciples put pressure on Him to compromise just a bit. To do less than what His Father would have wanted Him to do. Yet He stayed true!

There is altogether way too much compromise these days, even in the Church. If the way teenagers, "Christian" teenagers, are compromising so often to bow to the God of "fitting in" is any reflection of how these same teenagers will compromise as adults I fear for the future. As it will undoubedly be much worse in terms of everyone being afraid to take a stand on anything that is not popular. At the risk of loosing friends, jobs, and other things we hold dear.

Your daughter probably knows that you want the best for her, but I think you are expecting her to behave like an adult, and have adult emotions. If she was capable

of that, you wouldn't have a problem.

Hmmm....could be Yomo. Could be. I think I do often expect her to act more like an adult. I think more often I expect her to abide by what she says she believes about God and about what is right and wrong. I just don't understand how she can with one side of her mouth give glory to God and praise Him and otherwise agree that He knows best while with the other side acting as though only she knows what is best and as though it is more important for her to fit in than to uphold God by her life and words.

But you are expecting her to have a loving relationship with you, while you have said yourself that you practically ignored her, until recently.

That I am sure I don't expect anymore. I once did but not anymore. I don't think it's realistic. I think the most I can hope for at this late stage in the game of our relationship is that she will come to view me favorably and perhaps as a friend. I don't think I will ever quite be the dad that she has always wanted and that I wanted to be for her.

At least not until she accepts God's help to get over many issues still left over from feeling abandoned and terribly hurt by her real dad who went out of her life when she was very young. About 2 or 3 I think.

It may have been different for you when you were her age, but you were a boy, and it IS different for girls. We are at the mercy of our Hormones!!  

That may indeed be true Yomo but boy's face peer pressure too. Lots of it! Feeling that they must prove themselves as men among their friends. Doing stupid things to prove their manhood. I don't know what's worse. Teenage boys acting all tough and insensitive to prove their manhood or teenage girls acting like groupies and talking about super shallow things in order to avoid any semblence of individualtiy.

I totally agree with you about Christian Teens, but not all of us are like that.

Man I wish I knew more Christian teens who were serious about their faith. I just don't Yomo. But it's great to hear that there are some .

It does sound as though your daughter has had a lot to cope with through the years.  The best thing to do now, is to really love her.

Truer words were never spoken! She has indeed gone through a LOT. Feeling abandoned and unloved. My wife divorced my real dad after he got involved with another woman. Her real dad would sometimes get so drunk that it was also endangering my stepdaughter. Big time! She crawled into a fire pit in the back yard one time and her real dad was so drunk that if it wasn't for my wife arriving in time to pull her out my stepdaughter might have become terribly misfigured by burns.

Even though her real dad lives just a few blocks from us he has hardly ever, ever come over to see her or do anything with her in all these years. In fact I don't think I have ever known him to come over to see her at all! I don't think I have ever seen such a stark example of abandonment as I have in her case.

Carlos

[other one]

My dauther is visiting a site (http://web4.www.nexopia.com/) and I am wondering if someone can give me input on whether or not to let our daughter visit this site?  At least when she is home and using our home computers? 

The site seems full of advice and teen input on guy / girl relations and such from a wordly standpoint.  It's not bad as far as wordly sites go but from a Christian standpoint it's quite full of junk. 

Our daughter is 16 years old and I am not sure that I trust her discernment just yet in terms of choosing what to view or get involved with over the Internet.  She is at an age where she seems more prone to peer pressure and to being influenced in a bad way.  She insists that she only uses the site to allow her to chat with her friends at school (a typical secular high school) amd that she doesn't visit the areas of the site that are not so good. 

Should I put my foot down and tell her she is not allowed to go to that site anymore?  Or just leave it alone in the interests of building a better relationship with her and spending time with her to go over truths in the Bible that might better equip her to have better discernment?  The latter seems like the best approach but at the same time I don't think me and my wife should just let her go to whatever kind of site she wants. 

Any input would be appreciated.  She is actually my step daughter and my wife's real daughter.  I came into her life when she was 12 and for most of the past few years have not had a very good relationship with her.  As a result of my wife working a lot of hours now (sometimes gone for a day or two at a time including a night shift where she sleeps at the group home she works at) I find myself spending a lot more time with our daughter.  I now work a typical 9-5 job and have nights and weekends off. 

Thanks. 

Carlos

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Make sure that you can go with her to the places she goes on the internet. Rules here were that I could watch and read anywhere they went. If they ran across something that I would not have approved of they were to tell/show me and we talked about it. (They know and all should know that you can find anywhere on the net that people go) there is software that makes it easy if you are not into the inner workings of iexplorer. If they ended up somewhere they souldn't be we talked about it and how to avoid places like that.

Sometimes web sites change and they need to learn how to handle those kinds of things. The secret is to instill in them the notion that they should never be anywhere or say or write anything that they would not say, do or go if you were looking over their sholder.

If you don't do this at home, they will do it at their friends, so teach them at home and worry more about them picking their friends and the time they spend at their homes. (Get to know the parents).

se

BTW it works for christians the same way. Don't go, do or say anything that you would not like Him to stand behind you and watch.......... for in reality He does.