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Christiaann

I need help making a hard decision

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Hi,

I'm in a pickle. About 6 years ago I met a man that I fell in love with. At that time I was not a Christian. I grew up in a Christian home but I didn't understand what Christianity meant. I am very committed to my studies and my sport so I never really dated until I was out of University. My dad says that's my problem, while other girls were learning about relationships and what they want in a man I was busy with other things. He says girls usually learn in High School what I was only learning after university. I graduated and wanted to play my sport professionally. While I was waiting for the professional season to start overseas, I was training with a men's football team and I met someone who became very special to me. We were just friends for a year but it slowly started escalating. The problem is he is a Muslim. He is not a practicing Muslim, he doesn't follow any of the Islams 5 pillars (he doesn't even know exactly what the 5 pillars are) but he says he was born Muslim so therefore he is Muslim. No matter how much I try to tell him that you cannot be born a religion he doesn't seem to understand and his heart is closed to Christianity because he has been hurt by Christians in the past. Whenever I try to discuss religion with him he closes up and becomes defensive. I'm not hitting him with the Bible I'm just trying to understand why he believes Islam is the truth. 

Back then things suddenly escalated very quickly between us and soon we were dating. We are still together and our relationship survived through 3 years of long distance. He is really my best friend. Now I've moved back to my country and we have moved in together (co-habitating) but I have also been growing stronger in my faith and I am feeling in my heart that I am doing so many things that wrong and that I am living in sin. I am working and studying again and we are both doing very well financially. He is now playing professional soccer and he wants to progress our relationship. He asked me the other night if I would want to get married in the courthouse and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cannot get married before the government, if I get married I want to be able to do it without shame and before God. I cannot have a child with this man because we are not of equal mind. He wants to buy a house with me also but how can I now buy a house with him if I cannot marry or have a child with him.

I love him so much and it breaks my heart that I have come to this conclusion so late. I wish I had known so many years ago so that I could have avoided this situation but I was so innocent, I didn't understand the gravity of my decision.  I hate to think that I am maybe going to have to hurt my very best friend so much. We get along so well. We never fight, he treats me with respect. We are equals in all decisions and this is how I want my relationships to be. I just don't know what to do. We are renewing our lease this month. I have talked him out of buying a house for the time being. I feel it is too soon to drop this bomb on him right now after 6 years and move out by myself but I also feel the longer I let it sit in my heart without telling him the worse it will be as I am wasting his time. It feels like I'm tearing my own heart up and I cannot bear to hurt him, my instinct is to protect him, but I also cannot keep living with this guilt in my chest. I don't know how to tell him what is going on inside of my heart. I don't know how to tell him that I cannot continue this relationship if we do not know the same God.

How do I tell this man that I love that my heart has changed and that I cannot be with him unless his heart will change for God? I don't think I will be able to speak when the time comes.

 

 

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20 hours ago, Christiaann said:

How do I tell this man that I love that my heart has changed and that I cannot be with him unless his heart will change for God? I don't think I will be able to speak when the time comes.

The main point is this. He has had no interest in Christianity in 6 years and sees himself as Muslim.  At "best", putting an ultimatum to him will likely result in a superficial conversion to make you happy in order to get married.  This would likely make him some combination of apostate or pariah among muslims including his family which they would be angry at you for or you'd find he didn't really mean it.  The reality is that people change in marriage.   Those deep burning feelings of passion slowly disappear over time and need to be replaced by common purpose, comfort, compatibility, and a sense of security and familiarity with each other.  It frankly sounds to me like you are still in the passion/infatuation stage.  What happens if he has a superficial conversion to please you now and ten years from now he blames you for loss of family relations?   I've heard many testimonies over the years and have heard many more "forced" romantic conversions that were not sincere and did not last than I have such conversions being long lasting.  I've heard a few, but they are rare.  The majority of testimonies I've heard from Christian women later in life who were in your situation either regretted staying in such a relationship for years or decades or expressed temporary pain at breaking it off but were happy they did so.  I can only recall a few where the husband did indeed become a practicing Christian.

If you decide to break this off, make the decision to move out and set the plans to do so.  Have family or friends ready to help you move out and into a place where you will have some support from friends or family.  As to what to say, I think the most important thing is honesty and integrity.  Your relationship with Christ is more important to you than a romantic relationship with anyone so you must end this relationship.   Don't turn it into an ultimatum to convert.  Just present it as a fact and leave.  In the long run, if he becomes a Christian, it cannot be for the motive of being with you.  It must be because he comes to follow Christ on his own and determines that Jesus Christ is the focus of his life.  He must be willing to face the inevitable pressure and repercussions from family and other Muslims because he loves Jesus Christ and not for a romantic relationship.

 

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Please talk to people who you respect, about your relationship.

Ask your minister and/or his wife what they think?

Ask your parents.

Question for you.

Are you willing to be an obedient Muslim wife?

Will you convert, wear the habia,etc.

If you are not willing to be a 'good Muslim wife' why are you living with him?

Please remember if he goes with his children to a Muslim country, you will never get them back.

The children are not, are not yours they will be his.

 

It is your choice, stay with him and convert or leave him.

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