Feeling hopeless

[F_Ivan]

Thank you to everyone who has posted.

@Sharky and George

Thanks, I'll try that. Might help.

@Tzephanyahu

I find the bible fairly understandable in general as to what I've read so far. Just fear that everything I do is for a selfish reason

Edited November 25, 2019 by F_Ivan
Edited out because i started delving into worldy sorrow

[F_Ivan]

@Tzephanyahu

I came to be a believer because I was in a time of crisis where I was constantly feeling doomed. I used to be so obsessed about my physical appearance i thought it was everything and i felt like i wasnt good looking enough to ever enjoy being with someone i would want to be with because i was too ugly. like always feeling inadequate. i wanted to do anything to become better looking. i began to hate god (i wasnt totally sure of gods existence i was basically agnostic leaning towards god existing in belief, i believed in god enough to blame all my problems on him basically) because i feared he would destroy my selfish plans to teach me a lesson (which now i know would be a blessing if i really needed that to happen to me) so i continued down that path of hating and distrusting god like he was my enemy for about a year and a half, i also had constant anxiety that i was getting uglier and uglier btw. I met a really christian guy at a summer camp and he invited me to church, I went to a church with him where we sang songs for God and I feel like I felt God's presence and goodness/holiness/purity at that Church, then forgot about it and continued in my god hating self serving ways for several more months. after a while I started realizing that god is not to blame for my problems and that he wouldnt ruin my life, i also starting looking at testimonies of other christians who have said they have struggled with demonic opression and false beliefs before coming to god and listening to those made me kind of realize that i need god, i was softening to god and i stopped hating him. and also started fearing that all this ocd and despair/doom (i had general chronic anxiety too) was because of demonic oppression. I think somewhere down the line i also realized that being with god/god is more important than my physical appearance even if i magically woke up the most attractive person on earth or woke up disgustingly ugly (i know this sounds ridiculous to people but i was extremley insecure). And the fear of demons in my life (suffering through OCD at this time) also drove me to become a christian. I stopped thinking that god was out to ruin my life too. I got in contact with that christian friend and he gave me his pastors number. And I had a meeting with his pastor and I gave my life to Christ in prayer and trusted him with it. I became christian I think This July or so

Edited November 25, 2019 by F_Ivan

[Sharky and George]

Guys, if you want, try and put spaces between your sentences and use paragraphs and bullet points.

Makes it so much easier to read and will therefore help people who are struggling to understand advice better.

Apologies if its just my browser.

[Tzephanyahu]

20 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

I find the bible fairly understandable in general as to what I've read so far. Just fear that everything I do is for a selfish reason

Good, that’s a relief to hear.  Some people are slower starters before things start clicking into place.

With regards to the pornography thing, dealing with this issue is probably the biggest hurdle for men to overcome.  From the weakest to the greatest struggle with this and so don’t feel like you are lost forever on this matter.  That said, it is good and right to stop from this and (when you do) the desire will become less and less the longer you refuse to indulge the flesh. 

Part of this includes changing how you see women and what material you’re exposing yourself to.  Quite intentionally, and viciously, this world is designed to throw suggestive images and ideas in your face everywhere you turn to lure you back in.  Learn to turn away and refuse to turn the page or click for more.  For if you don’t the temptation will likely defeat you once again.

In terms of what the Torah instructs, it says very little about it.  Although the only indication we get is that when you do such things you become unclean.  And all the items of clothing and furniture etc that your “seed” touches (directly or indirectly) becomes unclean.  It’s not until you bathe and wash the clothes before sun down that you can be seen as clean again – the day after.

Now, hopefully you are not thinking “brilliant! I don’t mind being unclean for a day!”  Rather, you should never seek to be unclean before Yahweh and certainly not intentionally.  When you do, you are effectively saying “Sorry God, I want to be unclean so I can feel a temporary high”. 

Compounding to this you should also consider the following.  All we do is recorded before the Lord.  You don’t want many times where this is happening with the content you are looking at.  For example, imagine having an audience watching all we do, as this isn’t too far from the truth.  Therefore, the less of these times in your life, the better.

I know that is easier said than done – especially with raging hormones, but you know deep inside what’s good and beneficial and what’s dark and brings condemnation.  It’s the biggest challenge for any man.  So reducing as you have been doing is a good first step.  Try to see it as a Fast for the Lord.  

Try not to lose heart on this matter, for we all are challenged in this area.  But the kind of joy and pleasures and experiences awaiting us in the world to come will make sexual gratification seem as entertaining as scratching an itch!

In regards with what you wrote about repenting for the "wrong reason" because of fearing hell - That’s a great reason to repent.  It’s not unworthy at all.  As time goes on, you will naturally feel that you don’t want to sin to upset or offend God.  But in the early stages, doing so in the fear of hell is both normal and wise.  Don’t beat yourself up on this matter.

I don't want to come across wrong to you my friend.  You are facing some serious challenges (mainly all from within yourself) but I have a good hope and faith that you can and will get through to the other side and be a warrior for His Kingdom.

Love & Shalom

[Tzephanyahu]

20 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

i wanted to do anything to become better looking.

This is a tricky one as it has to do with your opinion of yourself.  

I’ve known some true men of God in my time.  Some are good looking, most are mediocre, some are not good looking at all.  However, when I hear or feel God’s presence within them – they become very beautiful to me (if that’s the right word).  Their righteous attitudes and loving way have made them utterly attractive in me eyes (not in that way!) 

Physical looks matter less and less the more you let go of the world - honestly.  If people judge you, so what, aren’t they just criticizing a “tent”?  But if you judge you, stop that nonsense – it can only bring you pain and sadness.  It’s neither useful, edifying or helpful, right?

Don’t write yourself off though. We are formed in God’s image.  Even if we aren’t physically beautiful (and I’m certainly not!) we are still an expression of Him.

But ultimately, this peace needs to come from you as no external voice will be able to convince you I guess, unless that of Yahweh's.

20 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

And I had a meeting with his pastor and I gave my life to Christ in prayer and trusted him with it. I became christian I think This July or so

Such great news.  It's still really recent then really.  Although I should imagine it feels like a lot of time has past since then.

It's interesting how you came to God.  It was a similar way to me.  Once I saw and believed all the dark and evil things that happened in the world, and witnessing spiritual activity, I realise that their MUST be a good side.  And if these evil spirits obey the name of the Messiah, then He must be the one - I realised. 

But do you know what, that is just the beginning my friend.  Soon it gets a lot better, the closer we draw to Him.  Imagine it like this: the Lord Jesus had crowds of people around Him, but disciples closest to Him.  To them He would reveal His secrets and heart.  The closer in the crowd you get (that is, the closer you follow His footsteps) the closer to His heart you'll get.  Then the reason you started following Him will be eclipsed by the reason you DO follow Him.  If that makes sense.

Love & Shalom

[F_Ivan]

@Tzephanyahu @Sharky and George

How can fear of hell be a worthy reason? It is self serving, wanting to preserve yourself. You don't treat your wife well because you're scared of her leaving you and being alone, you treat her well because you love her (ideally). How can I come to God with such a self serving reason? 

I feel a little better with the hope that as I continue in my faith my love for him will grow. Yes I am facing some serious challenges from myself, its almost like the part of me that distrusts me is hard at work with every mental gymnastics trick trying to condemn myself at every chance it gets. Like today I was thinking "you dont love god truly you only want to love him just so you can be saved from hell" like accusing me of only having selfish fears and its honeslty hard to know if its true or to know if thats the only reason (I really hope its not true) when im feeling such strong guilt condemmation/fear of hell 

I just really hope his holy spirit has not left me.

Sorry to repeat myself, but I edited out the reason why I feel so condemned in my previous post, because i considered it worldy sorrow, im not sure if you saw the post before I edited it and my struggle and willful sin with porn. Let me know. I was given conviction, felt STRONG GUILT, prayed, pleaded for forgiveness and said I wouldn't do it again, and yet I did it again. Its a serious offense. Granted im relatively new to the faith, but still. this back sliding it makes me feel like ill never be able to loyal to god,  like im too double minded/and messed to ever find rest in him.

And yes ive been trying to work on seeing women as more human in order to forsake lust/porn. I think ive hsd some success in thinking this way.

To be frank, i'm being lazy and it's probably my fault I don't feel close to god because I dont really crack my bible much. Ill check that site out you sent me tomorrow because its already getting late. Again I hope god has not departed his holy spirit from me. Do you know of anyone with similar backsliding experiences who finally found some peace atleast?

(And just to let you know I was raised christian/catholic as a kid but fell off in my late childhood for leaning on athiesm. Hopefully that doesnt change anything). Please forgive me for babbling, I want to be concise but I dont want to leave out what could be important.

Edited November 26, 2019 by F_Ivan

[F_Ivan]

@Tzephanyahu

Yes it feels like a long time since I became Christian. I was suprised to find out its only been about 4.5-5 months. Feels like it was a year ago almost

Edit: thank you for the encouragement, by the way

Edited November 26, 2019 by F_Ivan

[F_Ivan]

@Tzephanyahu

I feel like believing these doubts and feeding them only pulls me further and further away from God

[Sharky and George]

You are making an effort to come to God which is amazing. God loves that as half the world could not care less.

He loves all of us and God is love. He jumps for joy even that you seek advice on here to get right with Him.

Your not the only Christian who sins you know. We need to repent but we also need to cuddle up to Abba Father and rely on Him as we are weak.

I love Catholics and I think its great they try and love God. I feel sad they get legalistic though. God loves them.

Relationship, relationship, relationship.

[Tzephanyahu]

14 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

How can fear of hell be a worthy reason? It is self serving, wanting to preserve yourself. You don't treat your wife well because you're scared of her leaving you and being alone, you treat her well because you love her (ideally). How can I come to God with such a self serving reason? 

I understand what you are saying. But are you waiting for a perfect and honourable reason to accept the gift of salvation?

People come to God for all kinds of reasons and escaping hell is the most common.  However, with time your reasons and heart will develop the reason why you continue to follow.  And Yahweh assesses us on who we are today, not who we were yesterday. 

But for now "escaping the oncoming doom" is a worthy reason to come to Him.  How is this any different to Noah and Lot?

You criticise and judge yourself far too much man.

14 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

Like today I was thinking "you dont love god truly you only want to love him just so you can be saved from hell" like accusing me of only having selfish fears and its honeslty hard to know if its true or to know if thats the only reason (I really hope its not true) when im feeling such strong guilt condemmation/fear of hell 

Remember what I wrote to you on this matter previously, about the flesh warring with the spirit.  Learn to see the fleshes way of condemning and accusing.  It seeks to constantly tear down, criticise, accuse and breath negativity.  It seems you already are starting to recognise its voice already.

14 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

im not sure if you saw the post before I edited it and my struggle and willful sin with porn. Let me know.

Yes I did.

14 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

was given conviction, felt STRONG GUILT, prayed, pleaded for forgiveness and said I wouldn't do it again, and yet I did it again. Its a serious offense. Granted im relatively new to the faith, but still. this back sliding it makes me feel like ill never be able to loyal to god,  like im too double minded/and messed to ever find rest in him.

Do reread  what I wrote to you before on this matter, as its very important to understand.

But let me try to share with you how to cope - practically: Don't engage or entertain thoughts from the flesh.  As soon as you do, you will likely lose...  

Your flesh knows how to win an argument with you, knows where you are weak, knows how to convince you and promise you what you wanna hear.   It will say anything and do anything to get it's "hit" like a heroin addict.  Then, when you cave in and it's finally satisfied, it will rest and all that remains is your spirit-man who is upset, feels self-betrayed and guilty before God.   Until the flesh stirs again looking for another hit.

Now, this is a battle where the more you fight actively, the great the foe becomes.  Leaving you a choice of caving in under its power or struggling with an inner turmoil.  But there is another way, and that is to not engage at all.  In doing so, you take away the flesh's power.  So, again, don't engage in reasoning or debating with the flesh!  As soon as ideas or images arise in your mind, put them out of your head by think "overruled".   When the flesh responds, interrupt it! So for example...

Flesh: "yeah but just once more is.." Overruled.

Flesh: "but you'll feel much bett..." Overruled.

Flesh: "Come on, who are you kidding? Do you think God even cares for you?" Overruled.

Flesh: "he will understand because.." Overruled.

Flesh "are you gonna keep this overruled nonsense up when you know really that..." OVERRULED.

Again, get this into your head: Don't engage the thoughts, don't entertain them, don't reason with them, don't debate them.  Simply overrule it's temptations and whispers (which are often spoken in the first person) and they will flee you eventually.   BUT, if you cave even a little to listen to the "wise" excuses your flesh will so readily provide you, or linger your look at things designed to tempt you, you will like trip again.  Because rather than choosing to overrule the thoughts, you have instead chosen to listen.  And rather than avert your gaze you have chosen to look longer.  Yes, it all seems harmless at that stage, but it always does.  You have to make the choice early on. Don't affairs often start in innocent playfulness that is "harmless fun".  In the same way, entertaining these thoughts or looking at images that tempt you will pull you away quickly.  This is summarised in the below:

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Now, I don't believe God will forsake you for such a thing.  But it could be pretty embarrassing if you have to watch your whole life played back (day-by-day) before Him and His angels and give account!  Or imagine you were doing it at the hour of His return - how embarrassing that would be. But, besides this,  why lose out on so much more joy and pleasure in the next life (yes, and in this life too) in favour of a fleshly temporary pleasure which leaves you feeling ashamed? Because we will be rewarded for overruling temptation and subduing our flesh.

14 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

Do you know of anyone with similar backsliding experiences who finally found some peace atleast?

Yes of course! Me, to name just one! 

As I wrote before, it's the biggest challenge for men (lust) and I tripped more times than I can count unfortunately.  I let my guard down and fell under the influence of the flesh who reasoned well and talked a good game.

Its a real battle and not trivial at all and we all trip over this (if we're all as honest as you).   I found that fighting the flesh with Scriptures, logic and effort all failed - they are next to useless - your flesh can give as good as it gets.  The flesh is as just smart as your spirit - after all, it is you.  It knows how to beat you in any argument and when you are bluffing faith on a matter.  It knows how to control you with fear, happiness and comfort, whatever it takes.  So I found the best way to win was not even listen or engage it (like it was an annoying twin brother) and eventually the flesh got bored and stopped tormenting me.  Probably because there was no one listening. 

That said, the flesh isn't that stupid.  It will occasionally try it's luck when it feels it can win over the drivers seat of my life.  And it will start as a very quiet thought or a gentle nudge or lingering look at an image thrown in my face via an advert.  The desire always starts to stir gently and calmly (but deceitfully) as it seeks enjoyment at the expense of my spirit.  But as that tiny voice whistles for my attention and winks at me to just consider the idea, I immediately think back "no, overruled".   I tell you friend, winning that battle (in the early stages) is far easier than trying to fight it when it becomes a beast, after being "fed" regularly.

So you do have a tough battle ahead of you now, almost as fighting a smoking addiction.  But it's totally winnable!  Essentially, your refusal to fight is fighting. And in the future it will become easier to chase away that voice, once the flesh learns that it can't "get to you".

I hope something in that helps you.

If you want Scripture to read on this matter, read Proverbs chapters 1 to (and including) 9.  I believe it should be read as one unit, and not divided into parts.  Read it as a mini book within Proverbs basically. Within this section it compares temptation of women to that of the world, and wisdom (or the Holy Spirit) being the virtuous one we should follow.  It will make sense when you read it through as one unit. May it bring you peace. 

Love & Shalom

Edited November 26, 2019 by Tzephanyahu