Need help with my mother in Law

[Guest Morning07]

Ok here's the long story so bear with me....

She calls over here at around 10am at our appartment(this was three weeks ago) and we had just moved in like 3 days before. So my husband answers the phone and all I

hear is SCREAMING coming from the other end. She is totally chewing him out....and ranting and raving for about 10 minutes straight...seriously. All my husband can get into this "conversation" is "ok mom" "sure mom". My husband has to hold the phone about a foot from his ear cause it's soo loud. She is going on and on about him not coming over to their house(his parents) to clean out his room, his fish tank and get his cats(we had just got married June17th)

She goes on and on about the "deal" she made with us that we were to go and get his cats...I never remember any "deal".

We live in an appartment and we cannot have cats so I never remember making a deal that we absolutely must take them. The area we live in doesn't have rentals that accept animals

Anyways, she finally hangs up and my husband is VERY upset. I didn't like her calling us up at our place and yelling at us. So I immediately call her back(maybe not a good idea) and say to her in a calm voice before she rant that we had just moved in and we finally have a day off together and it's been very stressful getting everything moved in with no help at all. I was basically trying to make her understand our situation a little.

Then she goes on to rant and rave about my husband(her son) not being responsible and not caring. I told her that we cannot have cats and that we could not find a place that would take them. I told her that we tried and it wasn't our fault at all. This whole time she is yelling still but not screaming. I was brought up in a household that taught me that you can have an argument and still remain calm with a calm voice. I am not used to being yelled at for no reason...esp. when I am trying to express my feelings honestly. I was so upset while she talked to me that I was shaking!!

I then told her that I didn't like her calling here at our place and yelling at my husband. I told her that I won't allow anyone to talk to him like that, cause it is hurtful and very direpectful.

Then she dropped the bomb. She asked me "why do you always defend him(my husband)" I couldn't believe my ears!!! I then told her "cause he's my husband" and then she said very sarcastically "So!!!"

I told her that no one ever yells at my husband

then she shot back at me and said " well he's my son!!!" So I asked her if being his mother gives her any right to yell at him. She wouldn't answer the question and just continued to go on and on about him being irresponsible.

I really didn't know what to say. I've told my husband that I will NEVER fight for his love, or his attention and I had a distinct feeling that she was trying to start some fight about who is more important....the wife or the mother. Now I wonder if he really cares more about her than me cause of the things she said(they've gotten to my head)

She ranted and raved for 10 mintues and me the whole time telling her(30 times) to stop yelling and lets talk and she wouldn't...so I hung up on her. I couldn't take it!!!

I haven't talked to her or seen her since(it's been about 20 days).

I also feel kinda betrayed cause my husband didn't call her back or even talk with her and tell her that she must respect me and that she cannot talk to me that way cause I am his wife. I am still kinda hurt about him not sticking up for me when I stuck up for him. He said cause he is kinda scarred of his mother. But that shouldn't matter when it comes to his wife!!!

His mom is kinda wierd cause she made my husband in the first 3 years of our dating do everything for her(like getting gas for her car, getting her lunches for work, picking up her own paycheck and depositing it for her) She has also had a real attitude towards me and she has said stuff like"oh brother" whenever me and my husband hugged or even showed love in front of her. It also seems around that time she was saying those things I suddenly got worried about my husbands(then Fiance) fidelity. I got really insecure. I still worry about him finding someone else or cheating on me to this day.

It's gotten so bad that I believe that I shouldn't be with my husband and that I don't deserve any happiness(cause of the things she has said and the way she acts). It's made me feel like I'm worth nothing especailly to HIM!!

I want to be a good wife to my husband and I want to be happy and make him happy but I feel all the things that she has said and done is putting a huge gap between me and my husband

Well, that's the long story.

Any ideas, tips or HELP is grately appreciated!!!!!! I'm just feeling confused and I need advice!!!!!

[Guest christisun]

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to this wife, and they shall become one flesh". Genesis 2:24

"...So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6

You are married now. You are one with your husband . You have made it clear to your Mother in Law how you feel. Don't fight for your husbands love, you already have it. Your husband loves you, but he will also always love his mother. His life is with you, he made that choice. Your Mother in Law is dealing with alot of personal issues; resentment, anger, bitterness...all these things are unhealthy for her. You cannot enter into that world of hers, and you don't want to. Your poor husband is hurting, he knows the way his mother is, don't think for one minute he would choose her rantings over your love. But he has got to live with his Mother the rest of his life simply because SHE is HIS mother.

The best thing you can do as a Christian wife is love your husband like nobodies business!! Don't let your Mother in Law tear apart something beautiful. She has got serious issues that she will probably have the rest of her life. If truth be known she has probably been like this all her life, and now that you are in the family you will be confronted with it everytime you get together.

Learn coping skills. Learn that when things do become difficult to go for a walk, or take a deep breath and count to ten, but please whatever you do don't ever think of throwing your marriage away because of this woman.

One thing you and your husband DO need to talk about is to rid yourself of anything tieing you to her household. DECIDE to do something about your pets that means, find homes for them, get them out of her house!!! Anything that she uses as a reason to call and rant, get rid of it!! The more you and your husband can become independent of her, and more dependent on each other, the better.

You have just gotten married. This should be a joyous time, hug and kiss all you want!! Thats what newlyweds do!!! If seeing this upsets your Mother in Law, then whats going to happen when the grandchildren come? Are you not going to kiss and hug your children in front of her? No, of course not.

Love your husband, help him through this because he is hurting too.

"Now the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him". Genesis 2:18

YOU are the helper, help your husband through this. Stand together and remember to have three in your marriage, and no, not your Mother in Law. I mean You, your Husband, and most importantly God.

[Guest Morning07]

THANK YOU SOO MUCH for your kind words. You are right in everything you've said. It's just a very confusing time for me and I feel overwhelmed with everything. So I will pray everyday for my husband, me and of course my mother-in-law.

You are right she has been this way her whole married life. You see her first marriage was to a bad man...he beat her vicously and never let her speak her mind. So she divorced him and married my husbands father. So I think that she can finally have some sort of control and she can now speak her mind...but she goes WAY over-board and it's a release of anger she had pent up from her old husband and what he did.

She rants and raves to get what she wants and she does this with almost everyone. Her husband and her sons have to sit there and listen to her and I feel sorry for them. I however do not like to be yelled and nagged at(my mom is the total opposite of his mom). So I don't just go along with her nagging and I actually tell her to stop yelling and let's talk.....but she gets madder(Cause when I do that I'm "threatening" her release of anger and her need to manipulate). I always tell her "stop yelling" and I'm always calm and assertive but NOTHING works!! She doesn't let me get any words in at all...I too have to raise my voice so she can hear me. I've told her that her nagging makes her husband and her sons not want to listen..but she doesn't understand. I've given up being friends with her...however I'm never mean to her, I just walk away. I guess the best I can do it pray for her and be assertive and stand my ground.

Such a shame my husbands mother is like this. I had hoped to have a relationship with her I wonder if this happens a lot with mother-in-laws(mainly the husbands mother)

~Morning~

[amazingrace]

Mom needs to get a life, and you 2 kids need to take control of yours as soon as possible, and also let her know who is in control of your life.

It looks to me that Mom is going through separation anxiety, (as well as being jealous of the attention you now get instead of her?), and has no idea in the world how to cope with her irrational emotions.

While she needs your love and understanding, and probably misses all the things she depended on her son to do for her, she also needs to also realize what her boundaries are now when it comes to you and your husband.

If Mom can work and drive, she is certainly capable of running her own errands.

I suggest you schedule a family meeting ... someplace neutral, and public (she should be less likely to make a scene in public)... and lay some ground rules ... things such as when your husband will be available to do such things for her that she cannot do for herself, when and how often she can call or visit, and that you expect her to respect your marriage even if she might not approve of it. This might also be a good time to offer to help her too, with errands, etc., whenever you can. You seem like a mature young woman... I am sure you and your hubby can work out the details in a reasonable manner.

God bless you.

[Giaour]

Do what we did, move 850 miles away and let the answering machine pick up your calls. AND PRAY PRAY PRAY

[Guest louise]

Ok here's the long story so bear with me....

She calls over here at around 10am at our appartment(this was three weeks ago) and we had just moved in like 3 days before. So my husband answers the phone and all I

hear is SCREAMING coming from the other end. She is totally chewing him out....and ranting and raving for about 10 minutes straight...seriously. All my husband can get into this "conversation" is  "ok mom"  "sure mom".  My husband has to hold the phone about a foot from his ear cause it's soo loud. She is going on and on about him not coming over to their house(his parents) to clean out his room, his fish tank and get his cats(we had just got married June17th)

She goes on and on about the "deal" she made with us that we were to go and get his cats...I never remember any "deal".

We live in an appartment and we cannot have cats so I never remember making a deal that we absolutely must take them. The area we live in doesn't have rentals that accept animals

Anyways, she finally hangs up and my husband is VERY upset. I didn't like her calling us up at our place and yelling at us. So I immediately call her back(maybe not a good idea) and say to her in a calm voice before she rant that we had just moved in and we finally have a day off together and it's been very stressful getting everything moved in with no help at all. I was basically trying to make her understand our situation a little.

Then she goes on to rant and rave about my husband(her son) not being responsible and not caring. I told her that we cannot have cats and that we could not find a place that would take them. I told her that we tried and it wasn't our fault at all. This whole time she is yelling still but not screaming. I was brought up in a household that taught me that you can have an argument and still remain calm with a calm voice. I am not used to being yelled at for no reason...esp. when I am trying to express my feelings honestly. I was so upset while she talked to me that I was shaking!!

I then told her that I didn't like her calling here at our place and yelling at my husband. I told her that I won't allow anyone to talk to him like that, cause it is hurtful and very direpectful.

Then she dropped the bomb. She asked me "why do you always defend him(my husband)"  I couldn't believe my ears!!! I then told her "cause he's my husband" and then she  said very sarcastically "So!!!"

I told her that no one ever yells at my husband 

then she shot back at me and said " well he's my son!!!" So I asked her if being his mother gives her any right to yell at him. She wouldn't answer the question and just continued to go on and on about him being irresponsible.

I really didn't know what to say. I've told my husband that I will NEVER fight for his love, or his attention and I had a distinct feeling that she was trying to start some fight about who is more important....the wife or the mother. Now I wonder if he really cares more about her than me cause of the things she said(they've gotten to my head)

She ranted and raved for 10 mintues and me the whole time telling her(30 times) to stop yelling and lets talk and she wouldn't...so I hung up on her. I couldn't take it!!!

I haven't talked to her or seen her since(it's been about 20 days).

I also feel kinda betrayed cause my husband didn't call her back or even talk with her and tell her that she must respect me and that she cannot talk to me that way cause I am his wife. I am still kinda hurt about him not sticking up for me when I stuck up for him. He said cause he is kinda scarred of his mother. But that shouldn't matter when it comes to his wife!!!

His mom is kinda wierd cause she made my husband in the first 3 years of our dating do everything for her(like getting gas for her car, getting her lunches for work, picking up her own paycheck and depositing it for her) She has also had a real attitude towards me and she has said stuff like"oh brother" whenever me and my husband hugged or even showed love in front of her. It also seems around that time she was saying those things I suddenly got worried about my husbands(then Fiance) fidelity. I got really insecure. I still worry about him finding someone else or cheating on me to this day.

It's gotten so bad that I believe that I shouldn't be with my husband and that I don't deserve any happiness(cause of the things she has said and the way she acts). It's made me feel like I'm worth nothing especailly to HIM!!

I want to be a good wife to my husband and I want to be happy and make him happy  but I feel all the things that she has said and done is putting a huge gap between me and my husband

Well, that's the long story.

Any ideas, tips or HELP is grately appreciated!!!!!! I'm just feeling confused and I need advice!!!!! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Mother in laws most of the time seem to be a problem.I got married at 17 , so mine thought she could boss me around.My husbands family had this loyalty thing to each other.She even tried to slap me once.I gave my husband a choice me or her.When he went over to talk to her , she lied about me.Well my husband chose me.I know now it was a bit childish.Since that day I am the queen of his life.I went through many things that were really terrible at times.One time I was walking to town as the kids were sick .I had to take them to the doctor and they all drove past me and just waved.After the doctor visit I had to walk to take the kids to hospital as they were being admitted and once again they drove past.This is just some of the stuff I went through.I had so much bitterness in heart for her.Then a couple of years ago she came to stay with us, at my request.We got on so well and I learnt to really love her.See we had both come to know God.She really was so good to me then.Just small things like, she knew I liked pan cakes, so she use to make them often.When she was dying she wouldn`t eat anything I just knew what she would like.She told all her kids that I may have been her daughter as her and I were so similar.She passed on 18 months ago and I miss her alot.So what I am saying is stand your ground but also be kind to her.Things will change eventually.Try and sort out all the things that are your husband responsibilities.

[Sisterchick]

Calling his mom back was a natural response, but unfortunately by him letting you deal with her, he's just letting you parent him, too. That's not good.

It sounds like your mom-in-law can't deal with her son being someone's husband. It sounds like she is awfully dependant on him. Is his dad (her husband) deceased? --- Maybe he says, "Yes, Mom... Okay, Mom... Sure, Mom...", but he never does carry things through. Believe me, I know what it feels like to pick up, where MOM left off. I liked my husband needing me, like that, in the beginning. But, then I realized that my in-laws and I were always disagreeing and my husband got to sit back and relax.

How did we solve it? Well both of my in-laws died within our first seven years of marriage. I hate that they can't see the man that their son has become. And... whether I understand or agree with anything they ever did, they gifted me with him.

My advice... pray, together... love each other... and bless your mom-in-law, whenever you can. Satan doesn't want you to be happy. So, kill him with kindness.

Blessings!

[refugepsa91]

Get the cats and fish tank out of her house...do it now. You may have to take the cats to a shelter, but thats you and your husbands responsibility. Sadly that was something that should have been taken care before he moved out. Granted shes not handling it very well...and may find something else once you both take of the pet problem...but hey one thing at a time and the pets are first.

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[Guest Morning07]

Yeah we got the cats out the very same day she called. I think that her husband was harping on her and she couldn't take it so she got mad and then called us to vent and get it done so she didn't have to hear it from her husband. See they don't have a good relationship at all, and they are definately NOT friends. His dad is very demanding and almost like his mother in the nagging department.

See my father-in-law owns his own Tile business and he used to work around the neighborhood where they live(they are still living there now) but ever since my husband was about 10(he's 24 now) his dad decided to take his work elsewhere...about 200 miles away to San Francisco. So he only saw his dad on weekends and then he'd go back down to work all week. My husband has told me that his dad never had any time to do anything "father and son" with him....because he was always "too busy". Also when his dad would come up he would always start something with his mom. His mother would fight back and that would just make it worse. So his mom "adopted" my husband to be her surrogate husband. I've told him to break away and he has but he still can't stand up to her yet.

On another thought...My mother-in-law has made rude comments about her first born daughter around me and my husband. She would always say "she is soo fat" or "I can't believe she's soo stupid in the choices she makes". Her daughter got married about 4years ago and she has three kids and she always comments on how she is going to ruin their lives. She doesn't agree with how they are being raised and she has a real attitude towards them. Recently her daughter had a new baby boy and when we found out that she was also in the hospital I asked her if she was going to go see her...she said "no way!!" and gave me a funny look. Then she said to me "oh great another boy" very sacrastically...about her OWN daughter. She is mad that her daughter left the home and got married and is making her own decisions. If she can say rude things behind her daughters back then she can do the same to me. I don't trust her at all. And unfortunatley I don't respect her either. She has demanded that we respect her more and stop "making trouble"(we are only standing our ground with her). She says that we have to respect her always and forever and I tell her "you have to earn that respect, it's just not given"

She just gets mad. She's even told me that I don't think right....that me and my husband should be put in a "loony bin". And to that I always say that it is just an opinion. See me and my husband have tried SOOO many times to talk with her but she always says that we are not thinking right...and that we are turning out just like her "fat" daughter and her son-in-law(who she proffesed she hates). It makes me soo mad when she talkes about them like this!!!

Sometimes she will also say things that are bordering on hurtful and when I tell her that what she said hurt she always says "I didn't say that" then she changes the words of the hurtful thing she said and swears she meant something different(when I know it wasn't) I think that she lies straight to our faces...she's very good at it!! I just see her as a dead end and I don't want to explain everytime to her that her actions toward us are wrong. She doesn't see anyway but her way. She claims that we are young and she is old so she knows what is right for us.

Another strange thing is that she has not called our place ONCE since then....it's been like 25 days. They haven't even been over to our place yet or even expressed the desire to see it. This is our first place together (we got married June17th) and I'd thought they'd want to come over but they don't seeem to care.

It's just really strange

I think that they are both mad at my husband for marrying me and leaving because now my father-in-law has to move his business back up home only cause my mother-in-law will be lonely(my hsuband is not there). I think that makes them both mad cause now they will have to deal with each other all the time...and they don't like one another at all.

It's such a shame and I'm thinking about never going over to their house anymore even for Christmas. My husband says he is not going without me and I'm definatley not going. They are both getting into their mid 60's and I want to know if it is that wrong of me to want to have nothing to do with them at all??

~Morning~

Edited September 2, 2005 by Morning07

[refugepsa91]

Pray hard for them. You will be surprised that in time your hubby will stand up for himself...just hang in there. One thing I can say from experience, don't cut him off from his mom right now, if he wants to go there for Christmas then go, act the better person and don't let her draw you into arguments, set an example, believe me your husband will appreciate it. Don't complain constantly about her to your hubby, that stresses him out, even if he agrees with you. Make your home a haven for both of you a safe place, even if that means not answering her calls when you know she's gonna cause a scene.

Love and Blessings,

Angel