Faith Crisis

[LittlePebble10]

To keep this simple I will add details as we go along.  Its a very long real life soga. To get started me and my family had a nasty fight recently. Mostly through email and text messaging. This was procuring ove five years. Me and my parents were in perodic fights over my career and especially resolving a range of other problems surrounding my disability. My mother is a retired OT and my Dad is still at it with accounting. I personally find him to be a brilliant guy with the books. I even admire his grit when it has come to some of these problems we all faced. The fight we all had turly shatters me. The fight was over a problem created five years ago. I have no in-person friendships after my local Brony/furry group fell apart because of politics/religion.

I have work friends currently and some Church friends spread out in the local area. I should think I have 3 different ministries I have friends in?  My closest of friends were spread out over America via the Christian Brony and Furry community. However, Face Book made keeping in contact very problematic. I could not handle Face Book mentally and got locked out. My password is not only screwed up, but my recovery email is not accessible. I bassically became active on Derpibooru and Furbooru. Please keep in mind Furbooru automatically defualts to explicit art without any filters. You have to have an account in order to keep a PG-13 art feed. Don't go there and automatically assume I am a sexual deviant.

With this said I also have an account on Furaffinity. Recently I been strugalling with my faith because of not having any close friendships at all. Long distance or otherwise. Like I said I have loose knit friends in the work place and the ministries I am familure with in my area. The long distance friendships keeping stable were sliced off after FB had gone crazy over politics. Yet, no one seems to want to do any activities together. The disability community held promise, but after the fight I had and the emotional break down I messed things up a bit. My emotional break down was in essence bad to the point I snapped. When ever this happens I basically shut down. For a few hours I was sketching a piece desprately avioding the shut down.

Before this I was in a phone call with my mother about my faith crisis. Basically she barrated me with scriptures that were core to Christianity. Entirely the "Christian 101" lecture and telling me I had turned my Back on God. Scriptures are very important to me and this was not the issue. The reason I broke down emotionally and mentally is because she was convinced I turned my back on God. Out of the entire five years we been in this fight together she thought I had already given up. The reason for this has to do with my art being a tad bt on the explicit side. I was studying human anatomy and animal biology to better understand the pelvice floor muscles. I was also looking into figure art to help me master the ability to make believable anatomy in my art.

I also have been looking at my friendship status comparing it to my sexuality. I have an undesired attraction to a persons inner persona. In essence I have undesired bi tendencies. I was taking time to reflect on this in my art. I found it to also help me face my biggest social phobias. On of them being around LGBT people. I was doing art where it had a slight flavor of explicitness between friends. I felt like I could finally be around people without my anxiety shutting me down. In fact I found comapssion for those lost in this area. There was a litteral switch within me flipped that helped me relate because of my own bitendencies. 

The primary factor to my faith crisis is within the realm of forming friendships. The closeness I feel to be an emotional need. However, I can't make any sense of it. My heart is split between those who are secular in their livelyhoods and then those who are completely a hundred percent Christian. I met a few who bend scripture. Actually I over five years I have been around them and tolerated them the best I could. When the swtch went on inside me it felt like I was a hypocrite in Church. Then when I shared my art and writing I was a completely different person. I had two very different lives. One where Lily my fursona was slightly gay, but did not have relations. The other was Noah a dragon same species for a fursona, but as the name suggests he was anything, but the LGBT rainbow. Noah had a family, he had an older brother who loved deeply, and friends who he could relate to. All of it was fiction. At least for Lily he had Calico a cat and fox hybrid. There was the brother like love, but also a slight flavor of bi tendencies. Hints the explicit art project I recently started. If I gave up this fictional life of Noah who I simply pretended I had friends I could form friendships with people who would not be scared of me.

In fact they loved my art. The website I never mentioned really is not difficult to figure out. I put clues here and there. One of them saying I abandoned the account on there. However, I went back because I felt a need for an in person friendship. This physcial need I had for five years could be made possible if I had repaired the reputation that had been torn apart by my local Brony/Furry group. I would never mend fences with them. I would never mend fences with the group that fallowed after. However, if my art garnerd enough attention I would have interest from people locally eventually. For some one who does nothing kinky on this website 35 followers on art says a tun. I have bi tendencies and so does the long distance friendships I have been forming. Yet, not a single one of them are imaginary. In essence my brokeness is by the fact my mother provided me with no encouragement. Instead she repeated every Bible verse I already solidified. The ones I am strugalling with are in Acts, Mathew, and certianly all the other letters from Apostle Pual. It was like I was being sentenced for a crime I never commited, but was going to commit. I did not need to be lectured. I needed a friend and it just blew up in my face. 

Turning my back on God now seems a heck a lot easier then mending fences with my family. Out of an epesode of sorrow I shattered my cell phone in the jaws of a 12 inch handle wrench and a slightly smaller one. I was very convinced that I would never make a friendship of any kind. Annnnnd now the Bible study group I was invited to is the last thing I want to do this week end. This whole mess because my most loved friend abandoned me 5 years ago. The dreams of seeing him again stopped and I don't want them to start again. He does not want to see me again ever and I am torn between heaven hell.  

 

Edited July 26, 2022 by LittlePebble10
Detail some how missed in typing

[LittlePebble10]

Not intending to bump this. Its already at the top of the list. So, I think I am excused on this. I wanted to shed a little more light. Share a messy sketch to help clear up what might be confusing. The link is to Furaffinity and there should be a defualt setting to where if you have no account there is zero NSFW due to legal reasons. However, I am not exactly sure. If there is anything questionable please take out the link and take to me kindly. I am still getting through some confusing emotions. I really can't handle another lecture at this moment.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48266831/

In essence I feel like a failure to my family. Through out this fight against my life problems and lack of support I been hitting some difficult times. My heart breaks for the furry community. My bi tendencies are undesired. My need for brotherly love in friendship has basically been non existant. My mother is fearful I will be turning my back on God. My father has the worst part of it due to severe guilt over my child hood. Yet, I hurt by the mere fact that my home was safe in my childhood. The reason for my issues is because of school life. I had friends and to an extent I had times where it was brotherly like closeness. Then politics and religion would get in the way and needless debate would divide. I would give anything to have a one on one talk with Titus and Timothy who branched off of Apostle Paul. I can't imagine what it was like to have planted a Church the way they have.

[Marilyn C]

On 7/27/2022 at 1:50 AM, LittlePebble10 said:

Not intending to bump this. Its already at the top of the list. So, I think I am excused on this. I wanted to shed a little more light.

Hi LittlePebble,

I believe you have multiple demonic influences in your life. You need to confess them all to the Lord, all you inclinations, wrong desires, wrong attractions etc etc. It is only as you confess these to the Lord and not want them to rule you that you will become free of them. 

At the moment you have given all these entities the right to affect you, however it is only desiring to be free and confessing them to the Lord that they will have to go. God is greater than them.

Remember if you don`t get them out of your life through the blood of Jesus, they will bring more and more entities into your life that will torment you and drive you mad.

praying, Marilyn. 

[DPMartin]

everyone has tenacies toward something that is unacceptable in God's Presence, get over it. you are not requiered to entertain any thoughts you don't want to. you're an animal by the nature, its on you if you let it run wild and if anyone tells you otherwise they are liars to justify their own desires. so get born again if you are not already, and walk with God. besides He can over come anything with His nature dwelling in you. the Lord can come where you are and walk you out of any pit you might be in.

Edited August 3, 2022 by DPMartin

[com7fy8]

On 7/25/2022 at 10:58 PM, LittlePebble10 said:

I was doing art where it had a slight flavor of explicitness between friends.

Well, if your attention is going to physical anatomy, this can have a connection with your attention also going to "bi" stuff which has to do with interest in another person's anatomy. We need to be prayerful about what is worthy of our attention.

On 7/26/2022 at 12:20 PM, LittlePebble10 said:

My bi tendencies are undesired.

You say you have been able to fight. We need to not give in to stuff which can get us fighting. 

Arguing is a major problem degrading relationships. So, wrong sexual tendencies and preferences are only one problem. 

Only God through Jesus sets us free from such stuff.

There are things which charm people to be with each other, but those things are not love. Sexual pleasure is very nice feeling, but intimacy with nice feelings inside myself is not the same as being intimate in love with another person. And charming art and charming fluffy creatures might get attention, but not necessarily a relationship with someone who knows how to love. 

You could be talking about things which make people weak . . . weak for preference for sexual pleasure, weak for charming things . . . instead of finding out how to love. And in such weakness one can have various emotional troubles. The pleasure weakness can also be weakness to suffer pain and argue and hurt each other. 

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)