Christian colleague really draining me

[Thewhitedove]

I have autism. It's so hard for me, so you must be always patient and my sweet caregiver

 

This really rang a bell with me. She doesn't have a diagnosis for autism but suspects it, and I wouldn't be surprised. I think that she has really latched onto it like 'I know I did that badly but...neurodiverse...'. 

The thing that gets to me the most is how much my personality is changing. I just find her so annoying that my heart sinks when she walks through the door. This is really sinful but I can't help it. It's absolutely exhausting trying to pray these feelings away. I keep trying. I keep asking God for more patience, but when I let my guard down and feel sorry for her and help her, I end up feeling full of resentment. People I work with are saying they can see a change in me, that they are concerned for me. 

My colleague has a very sad, lonely and stressful life. Nobody likes her and everyone ends up absolutely sick of her. I went into the school year wanting to help her, to build her confidence, to develop her teaching skills and to grow in Christ. It makes me so sad because I just dont want to be around her and she knows it.  

 

[RdJ]

3 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I have autism. It's so hard for me, so you must be always patient and my sweet caregiver

 

This really rang a bell with me. She doesn't have a diagnosis for autism but suspects it, and I wouldn't be surprised. I think that she has really latched onto it like 'I know I did that badly but...neurodiverse...'. 

The thing that gets to me the most is how much my personality is changing. I just find her so annoying that my heart sinks when she walks through the door. This is really sinful but I can't help it. It's absolutely exhausting trying to pray these feelings away. I keep trying. I keep asking God for more patience, but when I let my guard down and feel sorry for her and help her, I end up feeling full of resentment. People I work with are saying they can see a change in me, that they are concerned for me. 

My colleague has a very sad, lonely and stressful life. Nobody likes her and everyone ends up absolutely sick of her. I went into the school year wanting to help her, to build her confidence, to develop her teaching skills and to grow in Christ. It makes me so sad because I just dont want to be around her and she knows it.  

 

It's sad but you can't fix it and she has to get other work.

You have your own kids to take care of, your job with kids from school. You can't also take care of her and you shouldn't. It's absurd that they ask that from you. It's not good for her either to always do work she can't do. She just needs an easy job with clear steps, that can't go wrong.

[Thewhitedove]

2 hours ago, Renskedejonge said:

It's sad but you can't fix it and she has to get other work.

You have your own kids to take care of, your job with kids from school. You can't also take care of her and you shouldn't. It's absurd that they ask that from you. It's not good for her either to always do work she can't do. She just needs an easy job with clear steps, that can't go wrong.

Absolutely. I completely agree. She won't let go of the teaching even though she is in way over her head.

School want to resolve the issue but I've asked for a bit more time as I wanted her to expose herself, rather than me expose her. 

 

Thanks for your messages.

[Thewhitedove]

OK I have repented for the gossip and won't do it again, with God's help. I feel isolated and it's a real throwback to one of my pre-Jesus favourite sins. I fall back on it really easily. I KNOW I have to stop.

She is incredibly direct at times and I know she will ask me if I have been talking about her. I have to be truthful without further damaging the relationship.

Can anyone help me with this?

[BK1110]

2 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

OK I have repented for the gossip and won't do it again, with God's help. I feel isolated and it's a real throwback to one of my pre-Jesus favourite sins. I fall back on it really easily. I KNOW I have to stop.

She is incredibly direct at times and I know she will ask me if I have been talking about her. I have to be truthful without further damaging the relationship.

Can anyone help me with this?

You can tell her honestly, if she does ask, that you confide about your troubles with fellow believers for comfort and advise. You do not need to go any deeper or more detailed than that; if she asks, you can simply decline to answer further. You do not owe her any deeper answer.

Something came to mind that might help, at least in some small part: remember that forgiving someone is about whether you hold a grudge against them, whether you demand "payment" from them. It does not mean you simply forget who they are or what they've done, or act as though they are not who they are. It means you no longer consider them in debt against you. You can do this without trying in vain to wish away feelings. What she is doing to you is sin. She is sinning against you. Imagine if this sin were something that is considered sin even more, like physical violence. You would be required to forgive her of that, but would you feel guilty if, even while forgiving, you took steps to protect yourself from further physical violence? Would you think it was your Christian duty to continue to allow her free reign to assault you each day and not protect yourself? Probably not.

So yes, forgive. But there is nothing wrong or sinful about you privately, mentally wishing to be free of a person's sinning against you. I do not think it is sinful that your heart sinks when she shows up. It is not her herself that you wish to be rid of, it is her sinning against you that you wish to be rid of. God forgives us of our sins, but only because Jesus has paid the price for them. The sins themselves DO get paid for. They are not handwaved as though they never happened. It is right to hate and loath and want to be free from sin, both yours and other's. That shows you treat sin as seriously as God does.

[Thewhitedove]

1 hour ago, BK1110 said:

You can tell her honestly, if she does ask, that you confide about your troubles with fellow believers for comfort and advise. You do not need to go any deeper or more detailed than that; if she asks, you can simply decline to answer further. You do not owe her any deeper answer.

Something came to mind that might help, at least in some small part: remember that forgiving someone is about whether you hold a grudge against them, whether you demand "payment" from them. It does not mean you simply forget who they are or what they've done, or act as though they are not who they are. It means you no longer consider them in debt against you. You can do this without trying in vain to wish away feelings. What she is doing to you is sin. She is sinning against you. Imagine if this sin were something that is considered sin even more, like physical violence. You would be required to forgive her of that, but would you feel guilty if, even while forgiving, you took steps to protect yourself from further physical violence? Would you think it was your Christian duty to continue to allow her free reign to assault you each day and not protect yourself? Probably not.

So yes, forgive. But there is nothing wrong or sinful about you privately, mentally wishing to be free of a person's sinning against you. I do not think it is sinful that your heart sinks when she shows up. It is not her herself that you wish to be rid of, it is her sinning against you that you wish to be rid of. God forgives us of our sins, but only because Jesus has paid the price for them. The sins themselves DO get paid for. They are not handwaved as though they never happened. It is right to hate and loath and want to be free from sin, both yours and other's. That shows you treat sin as seriously as God does.

I breathed such a deep sigh of relief when I read this. You spoke to deeply into my soul that I feel like I was able to exhale such a burden.

Your answer is perfect. Most of the people I've spoken to are non believers, but to be honest, their (practical) advice hasn't been much different to what believers have suggested.

I absolutely bear no grudge against this woman at all. I see a very troubled, sad, damaged, unstable misfit who tries desperately to pass herself as 'normal' in the working world. I really, really feel for her. I just wish she would go away. I have absolutely no desire to seek revenge or 'make her pay' or even fall out with her or anything. I just do not want to work with her. 

She knows the net is closing in around her, and is displaying more and more emotionally unstable behaviour as well as employing new emotionally manipulative tactics to garner sympathy.

She is trying to pull her weight more, now that she knows that she is being monitored. But ultimately, the way her mind works means that she can just manage the job superficially. I still have to explain the basics. 

So many colleagues have reached out to me to say they have noticed the change in me, that I look tired, stressed etc and they always say 'it's because you're working with her'.

My immune system has been falling apart since we started working together and while I can't blame her entirely, the constant resentment has to go somewhere. It goes inwards, into me.

My own guilt has been blocking my prayers because I'm constantly restrained by a sense of guilt. Of 'maybe it's me'. However, everyone I've spoken to has said they felt the same when working with her. 

Thank you so much for always taking the time to reply to me, and I know you pray for me too. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[farouk]

On 12/2/2023 at 4:41 AM, BK1110 said:

Admit that you can't. Come to God as a little child, which you are to Him. Admit that you have no power of your own to hold yourself back. Pray for His strength to enter you. We are asking for a miracle here...but it is a miracle God has promised to us:

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.” -- John 14:15-17

@BK1110 Great verses there............

[farouk]

Hi @Thewhitedove Thanks for the 'like'........

[Thewhitedove]

I've been praying. I prayed for God to show me the truth through Scripture. I moved onto the next page on Proverbs, Proverbs 5 yesterday. It's said:

1My son, pay attention to my wisdom;

listen carefully to my wise counsel.

2Then you will show discernment,

and your lips will express what you’ve learned.

3For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,

and her mouth is smoother than oil.

4But in the end she is as bitter as poison,

as dangerous as a double-edged sword.

5Her feet go down to death;

her steps lead straight to the grave.

6For she cares nothing about the path to life.

She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it.

 

7So now, my sons, listen to me.

Never stray from what I am about to say:

8Stay away from her!

 

Then in today's Proverb 6, it said:

 

Their perverted hearts plot evil,
    and they constantly stir up trouble.
¹⁵ But they will be destroyed suddenly,
    broken in an instant beyond all hope of healing.

 

I am relating to this and am now praying that God will take her away from me. That's all I can pray for now. That she goes. The relationship is going to seriously deteriorate to the point that I absolutely hate her if she doesn't go.

 

She has to go. Nothing harmful, no bad wishes; just away from me.

 

Please God.

 

[farouk]

1 hour ago, Thewhitedove said:

I've been praying. I prayed for God to show me the truth through Scripture. I moved onto the next page on Proverbs, Proverbs 5 yesterday. It's said:

1My son, pay attention to my wisdom;

listen carefully to my wise counsel.

2Then you will show discernment,

and your lips will express what you’ve learned.

3For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,

and her mouth is smoother than oil.

4But in the end she is as bitter as poison,

as dangerous as a double-edged sword.

5Her feet go down to death;

her steps lead straight to the grave.

6For she cares nothing about the path to life.

She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it.

 

7So now, my sons, listen to me.

Never stray from what I am about to say:

8Stay away from her!

 

Then in today's Proverb 6, it said:

 

Their perverted hearts plot evil,
    and they constantly stir up trouble.
¹⁵ But they will be destroyed suddenly,
    broken in an instant beyond all hope of healing.

 

I am relating to this and am now praying that God will take her away from me. That's all I can pray for now. That she goes. The relationship is going to seriously deteriorate to the point that I absolutely hate her if she doesn't go.

 

She has to go. Nothing harmful, no bad wishes; just away from me.

 

Please God.

 

Hi @Thewhitedove Proverbs is a great book of the Bible! Did you know that some editions of the NT not only contain Psalms but also Proverbs?