Guest Starling2003 Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I'm 21 years old and have been dating my near 27 year old bf for two and a half years now. We are both Christians but we don't agree on some things. To set everyone straight right of the bat: I have trust and jealousy issues due to my abusive childhood. I was always told that I was not good enough and that my sister was more attractive then me (and more "worthy") because I was overweight. Now, the issues are in my relationship and is threatening to destroy it. I am going to a counselor on campus but I won't be able to go in the summer since I can't afford it. I am thinking of asking someone-perhaps my young adult group from church for advice/support-but haven't yet. The big issue right now is that I don't approve of watching any movies that have sex, nudity, or scantily clad clothed women in them. I have moral reasons for this and also mistrust, fearful reasons for this. My bf does not see anything wrong with watching a movie if the intention is not to watch it for the women/sex, etc. He has agreed not to watch any of these sorts of movies though for my sake. I can't decide what to do here; I want to have some sort of compromise so that we are both happy. I would like this to all just be morals for me so that I could tell him that I won't watch them but he can if that he wants to do. Yet, because I get so upset with him or I veiwing these things I cannot even let him do that. Well, not let him, because he could if he wanted...but agree to it. It's because my emotions go so haywire. I wonder what he thinks when veiwing these women. What is a sin and what is not? When does looking become lust? Can he think, "Wow, she is hot."? Is that lust or just normal for a man? My bf does his best to bounce the eyes in public so as not to lust, but how is that possible to do when the female is on the screen in front of you for a long period of time? I think how he must find her sooooo attractive and how it will make him think less of me because I am overweight (I do work out and eat healthy, I just struggle with loosing these last 20 pounds)....and I am afraid that it will make him not want me anymore. What is the solution here? Should I force myself to watch these movies so that I can try and get over this even though it tears me apart inside (if it gets bad then I think about what I saw all night and want to go out and commit suicide because the pain is so great and I hurt so much from it). Or should we both not watch? Or what????? What to do? Please help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RGR Posted April 21, 2006 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 512 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 8,601 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 125 Days Won: 2 Joined: 07/16/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/04/1973 Share Posted April 21, 2006 First and foremost, if something offends you, do not watch it! If he is watching movies with nudity in them, you have a problem and it is a problem that will continue to manifest itself. I'm sure there are those here who will be able to give you good advice but I would also suggest talking with your pastor or someone about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elkieDannsa' Air An Drochaid Posted April 21, 2006 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 59 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,390 Content Per Day: 0.21 Reputation: 9 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/24/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted April 21, 2006 HI starling, no, don't watch things like that, it is a moral issue and also since it is so triggering for you, neither you nor you with your boyfriend should watch this as I think it is far to triggering to the feelings you are having,which are extreme as you feel sucidal. To even feel that bad about it though needs help I am asking you to please seek councelling about this for healing and balance. Something may offend us. but, it should not be able to cause that extreme self worth triggers. Weight is not the real issue here, It is self worth and acceptance and trust, no matter if your family said weight was why, I am saying it is NOT why, it is the excuse they made for not treating you in a loving and GOdly reaffirming way to help you have the acceptance and selfworth you need. JEsus can help this and I am sure He will , if you give HIm the chance and do something about it, Councelling by professional CHristian councelors and also prayer for healing. Meanwhile, your bf needs to care enough about your feelings to be sensitvie to not trigger you, also to what the Lord says about morality and etertainment. I dont think it would make him not want you. However it does make you feel diminished and that is not a good feeling . I pray you do get councelling and do not act on the self destructive feelings you have had or do have. Take care, elkie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carant2000_2001 Posted April 21, 2006 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 10 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 145 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/30/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/12/1957 Share Posted April 21, 2006 hi starling, no i agree you shouldn't be watching movies that bother you. and if his love for you is great he will not want to put you in that position to have to make a decision like that. now as far as your self esteem, you need to talk to a counsler about that, a pastor someone who can show you how to deal with this. make sure this issue is resolved before you marry, because if you have trust issues now and your not married to him. believe me it will not get any better after marriage. suicide, talk to a pastor no one is worth that, did you say you were a Christian, if so greater is he that in you than he that is in the world. God loves you and he doesnt make junk you are fearfully and wonderfuly made. God sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. every pain you feel he felt in your behalf on that cross he won he is alive! go to him call on his name. he loves you. i will pray that God show you where to go. take care of yourself and remeber God loves you. in Christ, carolyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deershot Posted April 24, 2006 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 5 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 60 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/18/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/17/1964 Share Posted April 24, 2006 I dont think anyone that is a born again christian should want to watch sex or nudity on tv or anywhere. I know the Holy Spirit that lives within them dont want to see it and that is who we need to follow. I believe if a man watches enough of lustful things, lust will be in his mind. If a person knows something could make them sin it is best just to stay away from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shepherdsgrace Posted April 24, 2006 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 14 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 880 Content Per Day: 0.13 Reputation: 4 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/28/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted April 24, 2006 This is an important issue between you. It states a real difference in your thinking. Do not be unequally yoked. It is not wise to say the least. You can see now by your responses that in the future you could have real problems. I think that living for God or for the flesh is the issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sierra21 Posted July 10, 2006 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 160 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 2,000 Content Per Day: 0.31 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/07/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/30/1983 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Ok Im going to go against the crowd here and offer this to you: Its not your boyfriend that must change, perhaps it is time for you to deal with your childhood anguish and change who YOU are. I am a Christian, and I have a boyfriend, and I have to say I'm on the chubbier side as well. One thing I don't worry about is my boyfriend spontaneously deciding that he does not love me anymore because of my body. My boyfriend loves me for me, just as I am sure your boyfriend love you for you. His opinion should not change because he sees a movie with a pretty girl who wears clothes which leave little to the imagination. You need to realize that it's up to your boyfriend to control his innermost thoughts and feelings, because that is not something you have control over. And unfortunately, the more you press the issue and force him to believe everything you believe, the more he will resist (even if he doesnt do this in front of you, you had better believe that he does what he wants when you're not around.) No one wants to be in a relationship where your partner controls you. Reality is, when he steps out the door there are hundreds of women walking around in clothes that you may think are innappropriate. What you should believe is that your boyfriend is advanced enough in his faith to look through that. Ultimately, he's his own person, and he has a right to make his own decisions. If these movies make you uncomfortable, you can make the decision to avoid them, but forcing someone else to follow your own ideals isn't only unfair, but extremely controlling. Trust me, no one wants to be in a relationship where they are not allowed to make their own decisions. Either you get over your issues, or this guy is going to move on. Mark my words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyRaven Posted July 10, 2006 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,981 Content Per Day: 0.30 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/20/1964 Share Posted July 10, 2006 I'm 21 years old and have been dating my near 27 year old bf for two and a half years now. We are both Christians but we don't agree on some things. To set everyone straight right of the bat: I have trust and jealousy issues due to my abusive childhood. I was always told that I was not good enough and that my sister was more attractive then me (and more "worthy") because I was overweight. Now, the issues are in my relationship and is threatening to destroy it. I am going to a counselor on campus but I won't be able to go in the summer since I can't afford it. I am thinking of asking someone-perhaps my young adult group from church for advice/support-but haven't yet. The big issue right now is that I don't approve of watching any movies that have sex, nudity, or scantily clad clothed women in them. I have moral reasons for this and also mistrust, fearful reasons for this. My bf does not see anything wrong with watching a movie if the intention is not to watch it for the women/sex, etc. He has agreed not to watch any of these sorts of movies though for my sake. I can't decide what to do here; I want to have some sort of compromise so that we are both happy. I would like this to all just be morals for me so that I could tell him that I won't watch them but he can if that he wants to do. Yet, because I get so upset with him or I veiwing these things I cannot even let him do that. Well, not let him, because he could if he wanted...but agree to it. It's because my emotions go so haywire. I wonder what he thinks when veiwing these women. What is a sin and what is not? When does looking become lust? Can he think, "Wow, she is hot."? Is that lust or just normal for a man? My bf does his best to bounce the eyes in public so as not to lust, but how is that possible to do when the female is on the screen in front of you for a long period of time? I think how he must find her sooooo attractive and how it will make him think less of me because I am overweight (I do work out and eat healthy, I just struggle with loosing these last 20 pounds)....and I am afraid that it will make him not want me anymore. What is the solution here? Should I force myself to watch these movies so that I can try and get over this even though it tears me apart inside (if it gets bad then I think about what I saw all night and want to go out and commit suicide because the pain is so great and I hurt so much from it). Or should we both not watch? Or what????? What to do? Please help me. This is hard, and honestly needs to be fixed ASAP or it will never get any better. I have been molested, my ex was a porn addict and he also committed adultry physically multiple times, though I could only prove it the last time cause he fell in love with her and kinda had to fess up in order to get a divorce (I wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise and since he's in the military he couldn't have forced me to leave...) You need to sit down honestly and decide what actions, proactively, he can take to make you feel that you are "the one" in his eyes, and whether these are reasonable requests. This is hard and might require you to get the advice of older godly women who can look at the situation objectively. Once you have decided these things, the things which are unreasonable, you really should not hold him to. If you expect he walk around shocking himself each time he glanced a women in a bikini at the beach...it sounds good to me but it's not reasonable. You should expect that he avoid porno, magazine's whose primary objective is to sell things using lust (like some guys car mags with scantily clad women in them) or continuously discuss who is "hot" with you. In between these things there are grey areas. I watch movies which do have some things in them some people in here would object to. These are thrown in for ratings purposes (to get the pg or r rather than g rating) or whatever. I look away or go do something when the scenes are on, my ex bf would just watch. However I never felt, because of the way he treated me, that he was "lusting" after those women or comparing me to them. You obviously have different feelings when your bf watches these types of things. You need to ask yourself...if I spent 6 yrs with him and he treated me like the treasure I am, would I still feel threatened by these things. If you think so, then perhaps it's an area he needs to compromise on him with. Or have a serious heart to heart with him. Let him know these things will not be going away soon. He needs to know whether this is a long term thing so he can decide whether this additional expectation is something he can agree to or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jesusrules2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hi, I would like to say that i totally understand what you mean. I was exactly the same as you. I was so insecure as a child as i was constantly told i was ugly and fat. I hated myself and i didnt think i was pretty at all. when i met my now husband i couldnt believe that he fell in love with me, he is so good looking, and irish too. I found it hard to accept but loved him. I know God brought us together for a reason but deep inside me i still had a deep jealousy, one that no human would be able to remove. God helped me. Let me tell you how it happened and i hope this will help you too. After moving away from home to be with my partner (now husband) i lived with his father in a detached house, i had my own room and so did my partner. I knew he loved me and i loved him. He is so funny and sexy and i never believed i would get to be with someone like him. Anyways he had just come out acting college and had many friends...many of which were women, he was a friendly guy and these women were very pretty. I remember when i first met one of his friends, she was gorgeous, thin, trendy....everything that i wasnt, (thats how i thought) i was so jealous, i cried myself to sleep that night thinking that my partner probably had lustful thoughts about his friends, who were obviously so pretty, i didnt say anything to my partner as i didnt want him to know how insecure i was. I used to cringe inside when we would watch tv and there would be scantily clad or even topless women on screen, although my husband would continue watching (not payin much attention to the women) i would look away, i would burn with anger inside. Jealousy just controlled all my thoughts. When he was at work i would sit and think about who he was looking at, or whether some woman would bend over in front of him and silly things like that. A few months after this we got engaged and a few months after that we were married. I was still as jealous as i was to begin with, probably more. I never told my husband about this until after we got married. He understood but i was so insecure that i made him give up his friends that were women, i wouldnt let him watch tv on his own in case he sees some other women who were better looking than me or someone who wasnt wearing suitable clothing. I worried constantly about what he was imagining when he saw other women, i hated going out cause i knew he would see other women with tight clothes on or skirts too short. I even started looking at women myself wondering what my husband was thinking when he saw a woman in tight jeans. He always said that he thought i was gorgeous that he loved me, no matter what happens, even if i put on 10 stone. He told me all the time how much he loved me, but i just couldnt believe it. We had many huge arguments, all because i couldnt handle him talking to women who were prettier than me, during this time i prayed and prayed to Jesus to help me, to remove my insecurities, to help me to love my husband and understand that he loves me. It took a very long time for this to happen but i can see the change now, i feel alot more comfortable with my husband now, i know he loves me and me alone, that he has eyes for me only, i have watched him as we walk down the street and i see that he is not interested in any other woman, he doesnt even look, i knew then that Jesus was working away in me. He was with me through the tough times, the times when i thought i couldnt go any further, live any longer cause my jealousy was killing me. The reason i am telling you this is because i completely understand how you feel, and i pray that the Lord will help you too, to overcome this barrier that can take over our lives. Its so hard and even now i still get pangs of jealousy but i can feel the holy spirit working in me to remove that before i fly off the handle and think of things that would never happen. I know that God is in control of my life and no matter how much the enemy tries to attack us God will intervene and remove any fear. We should trust in Him for he will not forsake us. I hope this helps you and if you ever need anyone to talk to, no matter what its for i am always here. you can email me on textmad69@hotmail.com and i will talk to you and try and help you to get through this, please dont make the same mistake i did by marrying first and not solving this problem before hand. With love in HIm. Ash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewA Posted July 11, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 82 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 469 Content Per Day: 0.07 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/31/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 09/21/1967 Share Posted July 11, 2007 You sound just like my ex wife. Totally agree with sierras comments here. I assume these programmes and films are just normal TV shows and nothing out of the ordinary. Unfortunately most shows etc have the obligatory sex scene or scantily clad sexy woman. It seems to me that you are simply so insecure about yourself that you have become paranoid that your boyfriend is going to end up leaving you for another. IF he has been with you 2 and half years then this is proof that he actually does love you and has no intention of leaving you? You definitely will end up loosing him if you start insisting that even when you are not together that he stops looking at any woman who you deem as a threat to you , be it on TV or outside. My ex ended up putting on loads of weight and becoming so self hating and loathing that she ended up saying same things as you, it got to point where I had to hang my head and look at my feet when I went out with her during summer time as she thought I was undressing every woman that walked passed and lusting after them as they were all a lot sexier and prettier than she was. You need to deal with your past and all these problems as they are still ties and strong holds that are holding you back and being used by Satan to attack you. Christian counselling is a must, you can even learn how deal with these issues on a discipleship course such as Freedom In Christ course, whatever you decide you must seek help and deal with these issues before it destroys your relationship as this obsessive paranoia will drive your man away sooner or later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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