Choosing a life partner

[vitality22004]

I have been confronted with this issue this past month when I've been asked to advise the young people in our group about dating. This raised questions in me that I found difficult to answer. SHould young people who know God and love Him, wait for God to bring someone into their life? The young people I spoke to had endless 'horror stories' of 30 year olds that have been waiting for 12 years for this to happen and they all felt very very strongly that they couldn't see this happening to them! Should they actively go out and date people, even other Christians, without knowing their level of commitment to their faith and risk all the other 'tragedies' of young people who were passionate for God who had to give up their dreams and calling because of bad relationships that they could not disentangle themselves from?

[RGR]

I have been confronted with this issue this past month when I've been asked to advise the young people in our group about dating. This raised questions in me that I found difficult to answer. SHould young people who know God and love Him, wait for God to bring someone into their life? The young people I spoke to had endless 'horror stories' of 30 year olds that have been waiting for 12 years for this to happen and they all felt very very strongly that they couldn't see this happening to them! Should they actively go out and date people, even other Christians, without knowing their level of commitment to their faith and risk all the other 'tragedies' of young people who were passionate for God who had to give up their dreams and calling because of bad relationships that they could not disentangle themselves from?

Let me answer this from my own personal experience. First of all I will have to acknowledge waiting is no fun, lol! However 11 years ago I decided to get married thinking that I was marrying a Christian girl. What a tragic mistake I made. I love my kids but I can honestly say I wish I would have not married her. I would have rather spent these last 11 years either single and be just now finding the right person as opposed to the 11 years of junk I've put up with. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my kids it would be over already. So please, please, advise those you're counseling that it's much better to go 12 years of being single than to spend those 12 years with someone who is going to make their life a living nightmare.

[vitality22004]

Thanx Ronald for your frankness. I have met several Christians who are in that same situation and have ministered to so many women who spend 90% of their time praying for God to change the situation regarding their spouses that there is no time to do anything else, let alone become all God intended them to be. It is hard for these young people to wait though because it's lonely and they get tired of the wait and they try and make things happen. You also have well meaning Christians out there who start to put pressure on them lest they 'sin' if they are not in a relationship and that makes things a lot worse.

[RGR]

Thanx Ronald for your frankness. I have met several Christians who are in that same situation and have ministered to so many women who spend 90% of their time praying for God to change the situation regarding their spouses that there is no time to do anything else, let alone become all God intended them to be. It is hard for these young people to wait though because it's lonely and they get tired of the wait and they try and make things happen. You also have well meaning Christians out there who start to put pressure on them lest they 'sin' if they are not in a relationship and that makes things a lot worse.

Yes, I realize in this day and age that waiting to get married can be tough, especially when we're bombarded with sexual innuendo around on television, magazines, etc. I fell victim to the thought of "why can't I find anyone?" when several friends were getting married and I fell hook, line, and sinker for the first one that came along. I still say better to wait for God's perfect timing because if you don't, not only will you be miserable, but if God brings you out of the marriage (which does have to happen at times) you're only going to be waiting again. Better to do it right the first time around!

[buckthesystem]

It must be a natural desire for us all to have our own family. We are born into a family, but in today's society of "people moving away" and "not being as close as we were in the past", that family may not last for ever. People die, people go and live in other cities and even other countries and if a young person waits and remains single, all their brothers and sisters might marry and/or move away from the family town or city, or even country, and the parents die and the young person in question is left "not so young" any more and still waiting for the "right" partner to come along.

I remember reading the results of a survey on "what young people think is important to them personally" (bearing in mind of course that statistics are notoriously unreliable) and the results were that "relationships" are the most important thing to young people.

Being 30 and having waited 12 years for "the right person" is one thing, but what if they are 40 and have waited 20 years or more? Might that not result in a "bitter middle aged person"? What if God's timing is to wait until the parties are both 45 or even 60 - beyond having any children or adopting any?

Not trying to be awkward, just surmising.

[Spunky]

I know many may disagree with me but I am for

young people dating especially if what they want

most in life is a family. The importance of dating

is learning about the opposit sex.

Blessed are those that find the perfect one right off

but most cases I've encountered on this subject have

had little experience in dating and married the first guy

that pulled at their heart.

Let me put it this way :

A girl that is raised in a violent house hold gets the

sense that it is normal for married people to fight.

So when she finally meets the man she feels is the

one and marries then slowly but surely that man's

true colors start to arise and he begins to abuse her.

Now because of her upbringing and lack of learning(dating)

she feels that this is normal behavior and accepts it and

begins having children that are now also being raised in

a violent house.

Example 2:

(keep in mind sexual relations aren't the same as dating)

A girl raised in the same situation as the first and only

differs in one aspect she ventures to date. And by date I

don't mean 1 person and marry but she dates several

and in doing so she finds that not all men are the same

some of her experiences in dating were violent and she

allowed it as her mother did, yet she continued to gain

dating experience and met a very gentle man with a heart

of gold and they continue their courting. One day they

had a spat over something silly, yes they both engaged

one another in debate but as soon as his voice raised

she shook from the inside and began backing away from

him as if she were a dog awaiting a newspaper to wack her.

What happens next astonishes her. The male immediatly

backs away and his eyes well up in tears at the sight of

her, he apologises for all that she must have been through

to make her react in this manner and assures her that he

would never hurt her and if she wanted to leave him that

is her right. As they began to part from one another the man

took hold of her and hug her, whispering in her " You are not

an animal and I beg of you to realize that, as a human being

you also have the right to stand up for yourself and not be

struck down no matter the reason". Then he lightly kissed her

cheek and left her.

This in turn became the man she is happily married to and

forever grateful to. The chain has been broken! PTL!

God Bless

I hope this helps you

[Dad Ernie]

Greetings Vitality,

For what it is worth:

Having now been through two divorces, 6 kids and 16 grandkids as well as coming from a family of 7, I have experienced some of what everyone goes through. Let me summarize:

1. Let Christ be the husband, whether male or female. I realize men might object to that, but the intimate relationship with Christ must developed BEFORE ANYTHING else. If one does not have this kind of relationship, no other relationship will work.

2. If the pull of the flesh is great and one desires to get married, it is okay, but ONLY after the relationship with Christ is firmly established and doing well.

3. Being unequally yoked with someone usually means one is a Christian and the other is not, but this is not always the case. There are compatibility tests, if the two cannot determine themselves if they are compatible. These are not fool proof, but may offer some guidance. Pre-marriage counseling is always in order, with someone who is trained in these matters. Even two or three counselors might be consulted - making sure they are trustworthy men of God.

4. Give it some time, be patient in a relationship. Satan wants us to RUSH into relationships, whereas, the Lord is sometimes tediously slow. They who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings of eagles. They shall walk and not grow weary, they shall run and not faint.

5. During a getting-acquainted period, let no unclean thought or action enter into it. Both should be dedicated to the Lord and during this time, one should be continuously in prayer over the matter. Perhaps this may just be a growing up period for one or the other or both. Always be ready to remain "just friends". Let God do the choosing.

Well, there is probably much more that I could say, but for now, that might get a person off to a good start.

Blessings,

Dad Ernie

[deershot]

I was in the same boat as Ronald. Except mine wound up in divorce. I thought I was marrying a christian woman.

I wasnt following God. I started to follow her and took my eyes off God. It might have been I was tired of waiting,

or thought I could make it all work or whatever, it was a bad choice.

Always wait on God and let Him give you your soul mate. He knows best.

Spunky, about dating and learning about the opposit sex, People are fooled all the time.

Anyone can con somebody into thinking one thing but it all goes out the window after they say I do.

That is why it is best to pray and let God choose who we marry. We as humans can be fooled and tricked.

God cant, that is why it is best If we let Him make the choice.

[DaniJ87]

I think sometimes people take "waiting" too far... it's not like you have to hide on a deserted island to wait for God to miraculously plop a spouse there for you... A lot of things that God gives us require work... but He will give you the opportunities, as well as discernment, if you are open to them. If your biggest desire and goal is to do God's will FIRST, all else will follow. Be sociable; but this doesn't mean you have to go "spouse hunting"... Join a singles group at your church, (if you're in high school, you really don't need to date, because you are not ready for marriage- either legally (unless you're in Vegas...) or maturity... you just... aren't.

So at the same time as some people take "waiting" too far... it is also true that it is NOT God's will for everyone to be married right away... and God won't bring His perfect choice to you until it's His perfect time, as well. As long as you keep God in front of your desires, I have no doubt that you will make wise choices... it's when we put God behind ourselves and our selfish wants, that we trip up and make mistakes.

I am in the boat of waiting; but my waiting has only just begun. and I pray that it will not last an exceptionally long time... but if it does, it's God's timing, or my foolishness in missing the opportunities He gives me.... and either way, He knows what will happen, and He is using it ALL for His glory somehow.

[suzanagimpel]

My testimony is that I backslided in 1992 because my almost fiance ( Christian man) told me that God told him that I was not the one. So I said to myself I will than go on with my life out of the church and tried to find a husband and come back to serve God when I get married.

You see, I was a 17 years old girl who suffered persecution from my parents in Brazil. They would not let me go to church or pray at home on my knees. They even put me to live in a unfinished room in the back yard without electricity to make my life difficult so I would quit the church thing. So on my third year I had this perfect boy friend he was full with the holy gohst and I loved him very much. We were making plans to get married so I could serve the Lord with him. But after 9 months he told me that God told him I was not the one for him. Thinking that was God's fault and he let me down I left the way of the Lord.

I always wanted to be a missionary but after I left the church because I was living in the world I tought it was never going to happen. After almost 7 years God brought me a man that was a christian but wouldn't revel it to me to see what I really belive. We were dating for one month seriosly and I told him tha I was a backslide and was going to serve God here in america while I visited my sister. I said to myself if he complains I will tell him to take a hike because I was tired of look for a husband and now had made up my mind to look for God first. It happened that this was exactly what he was looking for because his ex wife who cheated on him and divorced him twice had lied to him saying that she was a christian. He married her twice and forgived her for the first time she cheated but she just came the second time because she wanted his house wich he bought when she left he first time. So my point is when I gave up looking for a man and put God first he provided for me, he can do the same for anyone else. "Seek first the kingdom of God and all the other things will be added to you" last year my husband was invited to be part of the missionary work in Haiti we were there last december.

I hope I helped somebody.

Love Suzana