Something I've been thinking about lately

[stitchy]

I just want to share some thoughts I've been having recently. I would love to have the opinions of all who read this, but please keep in mind that probably won't influence me to change my mind on this. I just feel that I need to express it to someone, and who better than my fellow believers at Worthy? You've all been such a blessing to me.

Anyway, when I first joined, I'm not sure if any of you would remember but I posted a topic about a "love problem" I was having. Well, an "unrequited love problem" is probably a more accurate description. The thread is here if you're interested in reading it, but I find it to be quite pathetic now: http://www.worthyboards.com/index.php?showtopic=49273 However, it may give those who don't know the full story a better understanding of what I'm talking about in this topic. Sorry, it's kind of long so... you don't have to read it if you don't want to/feel like it.

Now then. I feel God has been giving me a lot of wisdom lately. These feelings I have for "John" (as I named him in the previously linked thread) are still as strong as when I first fell in love with him. I was finding it difficult that I love him so much, because it was making me so unhappy that he didn't feel the same. I was heavily depressed at this time too, and this unrequited love made it all worse.

But now... I have come a very long way. God has healed me in such an amazing way. I never feel depressed anymore. Can you believe it? I went from feeling depressed at least once a day, and now I never feel it at all. I can get down about something, but not depressed. And usually when I'm down about something it lasts only a short while!

However, I've noticed that out of all the things that have changed, my feelings for John have remained. And they've remained just as strong. Rather than continuing to be upset about this, and letting it get the better of me, I'm looking at it in a different light.

Think about when you give a person a present. You give it to them because you want to express to them that they mean something to you. It's a form of affection for a person. It's an unselfish thing. You don't expect anything back. Well... I personally believe you're not meant to expect anything back. Giving someone a present and then expecting one back is very selfish. I think love is a lot like that.

When you give a present but don't receive one in return, it's wrong to get annoyed with that person and take your present back from them. And I think this relates to my feelings for John. He doesn't love me back, though I love him so much. Or rather he won't let himself love me... but that's getting complicated. The fact of the matter is he won't go out with me. And I was getting upset about that. I was asking God to take away the feelings, but He didn't and He still hasn't. Now I've realised that I can't just give John a present and expect something back. I can't be upset because he didn't give me a gift in return. I can't take back my gift because I'm annoyed that he didn't give me anything. You don't give a gift for the purpose of getting one back. You give a gift because you want a special person to have it.

So I've chosen now to live with the feelings I have. Even if they are never returned, I don't mind. Love is selfless, as the Bible says. I can choose who I give my heart to, and I've chosen John. I've decided that he will either be the person for me or there will be NO person for me. It's a win-win situation, really. If John eventually loves me then we can live a life with Christ together. But if he never loves me at least I can focus on God and God alone, without having the distraction of a spouse/partner.

I won't betray my feelings by taking them back from John and giving them to someone else. My love... my heart is a gift to him. I'm not going to take that away and give it to another. It truly is either him, or no one at all (except for God, of course).

Sounds crazy doesn't it? But somehow in my heart it feels right. I feel at peace with this decision. At peace in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. God is with me. He has only the best in mind for me.

Yeah... I just wanted to share that. Sometimes it feels good to get out thoughts that you've been having.

Thankyou to all those who have read. Feel free to offer an opinion or whatever you'd like. God bless.

[Iryssa]

Interestingly enough, I'd settled that same thing in my heart about the man who is now my husband, a couple days before the beginning of our relationship.

I'm not saying "hey, that means that that'll happen with you guys!" All I'm saying is that somehow, God will honour the love you're showing John...and I don't even necessarily mean romantic love...just the kind of love that can be that gracious and understanding (which, I guess, doesn't eliminate romantic love...it just doesn't necessitate it either).

I hope I'm making sense. When I've been awake for something like 20 hours, I either over-explain or sound completely nonsensical.

[stitchy]

That makes sense to me, Iryssa. Thankyou for that. I'm glad it worked out for you and your husband!

I don't even want it to be about John ever loving me back, though. As I have realised lately through the Bible, love is selfless and kind. I think this is something God is teaching me a real lesson about. That I need to stop being selfish about this kind of matter.

Thanks for your reply.

[mike2]

Stitchy, I believe you have learned about the very essence of Christianity!!

[stitchy]

Wow. Really?!?!?!

[mike2]

To be able to love with nothing expected in return is the essence of Christianity.

Your response to Iryssa, indicates that you are learning that, through your relationship with John.

The same thing has happened to me in my life, and these people, have not only become very close to me,

but the relationship has taught me how to really love with no expectations other than to.....love,

Its great when I am able to take that experience into other relationships, whether they are just starting or just in passing.

[stitchy]

Thanks... It makes me so happy to know that I'm learning. Thankyou so much for that.