Objective Advice Needed From Mature Christians

[stafy]

We have 4 kids 1 female teenager 14 and a male 12. My oldest is mature and was allowed to go to youth group at age 11 and attend youth activities such as ski invasion. Exceptions were made for her for this and I wasn't involved in the church then as I should have been, so this was allowed, and now that I look back I don't think I would have allowed this had I been in my relationship with God as I am today. She was mature, but I think we should have waited.

Her youth group leader, a woman in her 40's with 4 boys has really become attached to my daughter and thinks because of her maturity she should be involved in things the older kids are involved with. I haven't felt right about this and at times I know I have been jealous of her, and kind of mad because my MIL told her things about our personal lives before we were saved that I probably did not want her to know.

This woman went on a mission trip in the summer & was gone 2 months. The pastor's wife took over the youth group and let my son join in as well despite the fact he is not yet in 7th grade. My son has bipolar and can sometimes be a handful but has improved immensely since my husband and I got saved. Everyone notices a difference, less anger, less problems but like any younger kid he can annoy the bigger ones in youth because our youth group contains 7th grade to college level kids and I have a problem with this as well.

My son went to youth activities and worked with the youth to save money for ski invasion. He was looking forward to this.

I still felt funny about having him involved with youth group and I think I should have listened to this because as soon as this woman got back, things went haywire.

(The pastor had assured me he and his wife were taking over the youth group, and that this woman was not, but as soon as she got back, she got back in charge.)

My son was still attending youth and one night when I came to pick them up, the lady thanked me for bringing my daughter, but said nothing about my son who also attended. I was of course offended but am trying to give this to God.

Then the pastor contacted me and told me my son was not able to go on the youth group trip since he wasn't in seventh grade. He had saved up all summer and attending car washes with the group was very hurt. He was still allowed to attend youth meetings though.

I really wanted to pull him out but he enjoyed them so much, so I continued to allow him to attend.

Things came to a head yesterday again when the youth were having a lock in and papers were handed out to youth group members. My son recieved one as well. He was excited.

We were all at a church potluck last night when the girl who gave my son the paper who is a nice girl but dislikes my son as she is in her 20s and my son annoys her. (he has been rude to her and she is very bossy to him, it's a personality clash) asked me what grade my son was in.

I told her sixth, he repeated kindergarten 2x my choice. She then disappeared and I knew something was up.

Then the youth group leader brought the pastor to my husband and told my husband that my son had invited himself to the youth group meeting and that he could not go because he might break things, because they were first going to go to her mother's house before the lock in and play games.

(My son isn't in the habit of breaking things and as far as I know, he hasn't broken anything at church or in her presence either.)

I pulled my husband aside because my son was fixing to be in hot water with my husband because my hubby thought he was being pushy and inviting himself to this event when it was the girl who had asked me what grade he was in that handed him the paper because she was told to hand out papers to the youth group members.

At that we were angry of course and I wouldn't allow my daughter to go to the party either as things just didn't feel right.

We left and the leader called our home to see if she was still coming to the party.

My daughter called her back to tell her no that she was supporting her brother and she would not be there.

Then this woman spent 15 minutes on the phone rationalizing the reasons her brother could not come to her which was inappropriate I believe, as the whys are not my daughter's business.

Anyway, my husband and I decided that we should not allow any of our children to be in the youth group.

Because of this and because there is another child who was in the youth group that left because he was dating a girl that was 2 years older than him and this girl was related to the youth group leader and she did not like this.

He is also bipolar and sometimes hard to deal with, but not mean or bad, he just had things a bit worse than my son does and he was hyper and yes he could be an annoyance. Now this kid is 16 and going to be a daddy and I worry about him too.

His mom was being beaten, he was being beaten but now he is not in church, when he really needs God the most.

Now that we've made this decision, we're going to be under great pressure from MIL and FIL to allow my daughter to attend youth. My daughter is crying her eyes out but how can we let this continue. She saw the issues too and was even talking with this girl and the youth leader telling them her brother needed a break , so even she could see it.

Neither my husband and I want to do this to pitch a fit but this situation has made us very uncomfortable for some time and we did approach the pastor before about things, and the lady is related to the pastor's wife.

These are all people who love God, but we all have our issues and I am of the belief that things are not quite right and don't know what else to do...

Are we being unfair?

first sorry for the extra insert i'm still learnning how this computor works. I just read your other enteries. all the advise others have given is good, you said one of he young men came to you or your husband and said your daughter is know a young woman. WAKE UP GIRL you have a controling youth leader and know controling youths who are attempting to devied your family this is all demonic forces working throughtthis churh hence why I aksed to beginwith how do you know if these people are genuine . Know hear me clearly i'm not saying the pastor is demonic he may genuinly be seeking the lord but through lake of spiritual discernment and discipline he has allowed the demonic in. Unless you feel you are up to a demonic battle I suggest you cut and run.

[child_of_iam]

Please take this to the Elders of the church with all persons presently involved. The Pastor may be the Pastor of the church but the Pastor is still accountable to the Elders. If the Elders cannot resolve this matter then there is no leadership in that church, you have a Pastor dictatorship. This kind of leadership is unbiblical.

Your children are your children, put there safty and well being first!

Edited January 2, 2007 by child_of_iam

[elkieDannsa' Air An Drochaid]

Dear MAYBEBREE,

As a parent, myself and to you as a parent; I say listen to you intuition.

You know, all other matters aside, those ages aren't right together for a youth group. Things can come up that are not for 14 year old girls in college ages and for you son also.

It is usually, high school with high school then college for after high school seperately. It does not mean your daughter cannot have other freinds there yet, But, beware of age appropiateness for her, she doesn't know. If the church is so small they cannot have any people, they can meet with another church to keep age groups appropiately matched together, too.

No one should play games with your son and his feelings , especially in church, you don't want him to lose heart and be discouraged from the Word of GOd by unloving persons, in a church where he does not connect with the people or they with him.

GOd says to honor your mother and your father that your days may be long upon the earth. Your hubby, your daughters father is sure NOT the obstical here, maybe it's those other person or persons she is being influenced by and that is Gods Word on that dear, she should honor you and dad! and the Lord has entrusted you both to make decisions for her.

I believe you will make them in prayer and let GOd lead.

May GOD reveal the answers for which you are seeking and increase Christian loving fellowship for you and your family in the Lords Will for you.

Look for the fruits of the spirit in those who teach, that they walk in the Holy SPIrit the ywil exemplify those nine fruits.

GOd bless,

elkie

[MAYBEBREE]

I will be updating soon after going to the pastor. Thanks for the advice everyone.

[Bolts]

Blessings to you MBB

When this lady went away on mission and your Pastor took over the youthgroup, the agreement set down between you both, concerning your son being in the youthgroup is valid and ought to have been followed thru regardless of the return of the youthgroup leader. It seams to me, that your Pastor, who is the leading authority, has given over all decisionmaking to her. As a good leader, she ought to have sat down with the Pastor and his wife, when she got back, and discussed with them what had been happening in her absence. In turn, the Pastor and his wife, should have let her know that your son had been invited by them, to join the youthgroup.

Sounds like an organisational and communication break down to me, which is affecting your family. Talk to your Pastor.

[MAYBEBREE]

I still have not spoken to my pastor yet. Chruch was cancelled on Wednesday and I hadn't called him simply because we've had the court thing to deal with.

My son is not old enough to be in the youth group but then again with the ages as they are, neither is my daughter.

I have seriously thought about attending a church where my in laws are not going. My FIL told hubby it would be a mistake to pull my daughter out of youth group.

No one has said a thing to me though, at least not directly.

[Iryssa]

All I can say is that IF you do pull her out of that youth group, you need to give her a good reason why, AND you need to give her an alternative...or a few alternatives. No sense in pulling her out of youth groups as a whole just so she can be bored and get into the darker side of things. If you make sure to do those things, though, I don't see any reason why you couldn't pull her out.

She'll be resistant, either way...she's likely found her niche in that youth group already, and it'll be taking her out of her comfort zone. Understand that she'll be feeling lonely, hurt, and confused (which she will likely express in being angry with you), and handle the situation with great delicacy...don't just slam your hand on the table and say "that's just the way it's going to be!" Explain what's been happening...you can omit certain details if you think it'll be damaging to her, but she WILL need an explanation. She especially needs to know that you're doing it out of concern and love for her and her brother, not to punish her or something like that.