Objective Advice Needed From Mature Christians

[MAYBEBREE]

We have 4 kids 1 female teenager 14 and a male 12. My oldest is mature and was allowed to go to youth group at age 11 and attend youth activities such as ski invasion. Exceptions were made for her for this and I wasn't involved in the church then as I should have been, so this was allowed, and now that I look back I don't think I would have allowed this had I been in my relationship with God as I am today. She was mature, but I think we should have waited.

Her youth group leader, a woman in her 40's with 4 boys has really become attached to my daughter and thinks because of her maturity she should be involved in things the older kids are involved with. I haven't felt right about this and at times I know I have been jealous of her, and kind of mad because my MIL told her things about our personal lives before we were saved that I probably did not want her to know.

This woman went on a mission trip in the summer & was gone 2 months. The pastor's wife took over the youth group and let my son join in as well despite the fact he is not yet in 7th grade. My son has bipolar and can sometimes be a handful but has improved immensely since my husband and I got saved. Everyone notices a difference, less anger, less problems but like any younger kid he can annoy the bigger ones in youth because our youth group contains 7th grade to college level kids and I have a problem with this as well.

My son went to youth activities and worked with the youth to save money for ski invasion. He was looking forward to this.

I still felt funny about having him involved with youth group and I think I should have listened to this because as soon as this woman got back, things went haywire.

(The pastor had assured me he and his wife were taking over the youth group, and that this woman was not, but as soon as she got back, she got back in charge.)

My son was still attending youth and one night when I came to pick them up, the lady thanked me for bringing my daughter, but said nothing about my son who also attended. I was of course offended but am trying to give this to God.

Then the pastor contacted me and told me my son was not able to go on the youth group trip since he wasn't in seventh grade. He had saved up all summer and attending car washes with the group was very hurt. He was still allowed to attend youth meetings though.

I really wanted to pull him out but he enjoyed them so much, so I continued to allow him to attend.

Things came to a head yesterday again when the youth were having a lock in and papers were handed out to youth group members. My son recieved one as well. He was excited.

We were all at a church potluck last night when the girl who gave my son the paper who is a nice girl but dislikes my son as she is in her 20s and my son annoys her. (he has been rude to her and she is very bossy to him, it's a personality clash) asked me what grade my son was in.

I told her sixth, he repeated kindergarten 2x my choice. She then disappeared and I knew something was up.

Then the youth group leader brought the pastor to my husband and told my husband that my son had invited himself to the youth group meeting and that he could not go because he might break things, because they were first going to go to her mother's house before the lock in and play games.

(My son isn't in the habit of breaking things and as far as I know, he hasn't broken anything at church or in her presence either.)

I pulled my husband aside because my son was fixing to be in hot water with my husband because my hubby thought he was being pushy and inviting himself to this event when it was the girl who had asked me what grade he was in that handed him the paper because she was told to hand out papers to the youth group members.

At that we were angry of course and I wouldn't allow my daughter to go to the party either as things just didn't feel right.

We left and the leader called our home to see if she was still coming to the party.

My daughter called her back to tell her no that she was supporting her brother and she would not be there.

Then this woman spent 15 minutes on the phone rationalizing the reasons her brother could not come to her which was inappropriate I believe, as the whys are not my daughter's business.

Anyway, my husband and I decided that we should not allow any of our children to be in the youth group.

Because of this and because there is another child who was in the youth group that left because he was dating a girl that was 2 years older than him and this girl was related to the youth group leader and she did not like this.

He is also bipolar and sometimes hard to deal with, but not mean or bad, he just had things a bit worse than my son does and he was hyper and yes he could be an annoyance. Now this kid is 16 and going to be a daddy and I worry about him too.

His mom was being beaten, he was being beaten but now he is not in church, when he really needs God the most.

Now that we've made this decision, we're going to be under great pressure from MIL and FIL to allow my daughter to attend youth. My daughter is crying her eyes out but how can we let this continue. She saw the issues too and was even talking with this girl and the youth leader telling them her brother needed a break , so even she could see it.

Neither my husband and I want to do this to pitch a fit but this situation has made us very uncomfortable for some time and we did approach the pastor before about things, and the lady is related to the pastor's wife.

These are all people who love God, but we all have our issues and I am of the belief that things are not quite right and don't know what else to do...

Are we being unfair?

[ladypeartree]

You have my deepest sympathy in all this because as a mum your place as far as your teens are concerned is very much in the wrong ....

Have you said all this to your pastor? Regardless of the fact that this woman is related you should be able to speak in confidence that your "leaders" can see where you are coming from. This is your family, your mil and fil should be supporting you and not making things more difficult...have you asked for their support and explained your concerns?

Talk first...talk fast and make sure that you are heard by pastors, in laws, and even this youth leader who needs to be told that she is over stepping the bounderies

I would also say that the age differences are FAR too much for any successful grouping and no matter how " mature " your daughter may be she still needs to live life in an age appropriate way including making age appropriate friends or when the others all leave for college, get married etc she will be a very lonely and angry young lady.

Praying for you here

[MAYBEBREE]

Because of the unsuccessful discussion before I guess we were not sure if we should try a second discussion. They told us they would be in charge of the youth group then, but this is not so, and I don't see how it could be since they cannot be everywhere at once.

Our church is small, so I think that is the reason the youth group has been organized so broadly but I am just not comfortable with this.

I just spoke with my daughter about wanting her to be around members her own age and she told me the girls her age just aren't spiritual enough.

She is very displeased with me though not outright disrespectful.

She has hinted to me before, and I haven't told my husband this, that God would not allow people to stand in her way of worshipping HIM, and I think she has meant this towards her dad, and she told me obstacles would be removed. (This was prophesied to her at a different church.)

When we've decided things before that got in the way of her activities we were made to feel as we were obstacles by our inlaws. That we weren't allowing her to serve God. I don't want to get in the way of her serving the Lord. We want to help her to serve the Lord, but something about this is way wrong.

We live on their land and I want out because of the pressure that is put on us. It's not arm twisting and alot is our fault for caving in but things are not right here I know.

[ladypeartree]

Maybree I know it is hard especially in a small community /church and teens are just always going to be rebelious...if they are flattered by being told that they are "mature " they will often respond by being sudo mature in order to live up to the image. I still think that you need to talk to the pastor and to the woman especially explaining that it is unfair to have spoken to your daughter and tried to justify the actions already taken as well as being unbiblical to try to turn a child against her parents or to encourage her to disobey and that goes for your inlaws as well.

Your family is in my prayers and any time you need to talk or just to have a safe place to vent feel free to pm me

[HAZARD]

MAYBEBREE wrote:

"(The pastor had assured me he and his wife were taking over the youth group, and that this woman was not, but as soon as she got back, she got back in charge.)"

.

__________________________________

If you can't trust a pastor who ASSURES you that he and his wife are taking over the youth group, and this woman was not running it anymore, and then she takes over again and gets back in charge, my advice is this. Not only would I pull my kid's out of the group, I would also leave this church entirely.

Find a church where you can believe what the pastor say's.

Haz.

[MAYBEBREE]

Well, from what I was told they were looking for someone who had been called to lead the youth, but had not found this person yet.

I do think this is a matter of there is no one else who will lead the youth and she is in over her head trying to do too much, with too big of a group.

I don't think this is a case of the pator lying because believe me, if I thought this was so, we'd be out the door.

His wife is also sick and has heart problems so things might have happened that I am unaware of.

None of the people I mention are mean spirited and all from what I've seen really do want to serve the Lord.

I do have a good report. I do think my MIL knows what is up and is not going to say anything to me. I was all set and in the "bring it on" mentality which is not correct either, and I guess ready for a fight. This is not Christlike behavior on my part but I can say I do see God working in her through this and maybe we will get along through this. Either way, I have learned a lesson today in this area.

I really do not want to be one of those people who run to their pastor every time something happens with another member though.

I guess me and hubby have some praying to do. I do know they'll probably try and convince me to let my daughter continue to attend youth and they'll say she needs to interact with kids her own age but she is not interacting with kids her own age in this group. She is hanging out with folks in their early 20's, and one of these kids came up to my husband to tell him he needed to let go that my daughter was becoming a woman.

[AnotherTraveler]

Anyway, my husband and I decided that we should not allow any of our children to be in the youth group.

This is a sound decision. As a parent, your voice must be heard concerning your children by anyone that represents YOUR AUTHORITY. No leader can assume your authority concerning your kids, nor can they disregard it. You as parents make the call, and your decision does not need to be justified to anyone.

As for people disclosing what was said in confidence, such a person can not be trusted. As for a pastor that is unable to tell you the truth in relationship to your children, again such a person can not be trusted.

[Candi770]

I'm concerned for your son, that is totally unfair. But, our family knows how that feels, not in church, but in a private school, my son being different from LD/ADD, no problem otherwise, was treated openly different, that's why I made the decision to change private schools, because obviously, I'm paying for it, if they can't minister to the needs of my child then they don't need my money. I guess it's different at church, but still, Jesus didn't push any child aside and neither should any minister. God doesn't like it either and I guarentee, if they don't correct it, He will. I tell you that the private school I was talking about has dwindled down to maybe 20 students. I pray things will work out for your family.

[stafy]

We have 4 kids 1 female teenager 14 and a male 12. My oldest is mature and was allowed to go to youth group at age 11 and attend youth activities such as ski invasion. Exceptions were made for her for this and I wasn't involved in the church then as I should have been, so this was allowed, and now that I look back I don't think I would have allowed this had I been in my relationship with God as I am today. She was mature, but I think we should have waited.

Her youth group leader, a woman in her 40's with 4 boys has really become attached to my daughter and thinks because of her maturity she should be involved in things the older kids are involved with. I haven't felt right about this and at times I know I have been jealous of her, and kind of mad because my MIL told her things about our personal lives before we were saved that I probably did not want her to know.

This woman went on a mission trip in the summer & was gone 2 months. The pastor's wife took over the youth group and let my son join in as well despite the fact he is not yet in 7th grade. My son has bipolar and can sometimes be a handful but has improved immensely since my husband and I got saved. Everyone notices a difference, less anger, less problems but like any younger kid he can annoy the bigger ones in youth because our youth group contains 7th grade to college level kids and I have a problem with this as well.

My son went to youth activities and worked with the youth to save money for ski invasion. He was looking forward to this.

I still felt funny about having him involved with youth group and I think I should have listened to this because as soon as this woman got back, things went haywire.

(The pastor had assured me he and his wife were taking over the youth group, and that this woman was not, but as soon as she got back, she got back in charge.)

My son was still attending youth and one night when I came to pick them up, the lady thanked me for bringing my daughter, but said nothing about my son who also attended. I was of course offended but am trying to give this to God.

Then the pastor contacted me and told me my son was not able to go on the youth group trip since he wasn't in seventh grade. He had saved up all summer and attending car washes with the group was very hurt. He was still allowed to attend youth meetings though.

I really wanted to pull him out but he enjoyed them so much, so I continued to allow him to attend.

Things came to a head yesterday again when the youth were having a lock in and papers were handed out to youth group members. My son recieved one as well. He was excited.

We were all at a church potluck last night when the girl who gave my son the paper who is a nice girl but dislikes my son as she is in her 20s and my son annoys her. (he has been rude to her and she is very bossy to him, it's a personality clash) asked me what grade my son was in.

I told her sixth, he repeated kindergarten 2x my choice. She then disappeared and I knew something was up.

Then the youth group leader brought the pastor to my husband and told my husband that my son had invited himself to the youth group meeting and that he could not go because he might break things, because they were first going to go to her mother's house before the lock in and play games.

(My son isn't in the habit of breaking things and as far as I know, he hasn't broken anything at church or in her presence either.)

I pulled my husband aside because my son was fixing to be in hot water with my husband because my hubby thought he was being pushy and inviting himself to this event when it was the girl who had asked me what grade he was in that handed him the paper because she was told to hand out papers to the youth group members.

At that we were angry of course and I wouldn't allow my daughter to go to the party either as things just didn't feel right.

We left and the leader called our home to see if she was still coming to the party.

My daughter called her back to tell her no that she was supporting her brother and she would not be there.

Then this woman spent 15 minutes on the phone rationalizing the reasons her brother could not come to her which was inappropriate I believe, as the whys are not my daughter's business.

Anyway, my husband and I decided that we should not allow any of our children to be in the youth group.

Because of this and because there is another child who was in the youth group that left because he was dating a girl that was 2 years older than him and this girl was related to the youth group leader and she did not like this.

He is also bipolar and sometimes hard to deal with, but not mean or bad, he just had things a bit worse than my son does and he was hyper and yes he could be an annoyance. Now this kid is 16 and going to be a daddy and I worry about him too.

His mom was being beaten, he was being beaten but now he is not in church, when he really needs God the most.

Now that we've made this decision, we're going to be under great pressure from MIL and FIL to allow my daughter to attend youth. My daughter is crying her eyes out but how can we let this continue. She saw the issues too and was even talking with this girl and the youth leader telling them her brother needed a break , so even she could see it.

Neither my husband and I want to do this to pitch a fit but this situation has made us very uncomfortable for some time and we did approach the pastor before about things, and the lady is related to the pastor's wife.

These are all people who love God, but we all have our issues and I am of the belief that things are not quite right and don't know what else to do...

Are we being unfair?

first of all my condolences on your situation, ? how do you know if these people are Christians / many use the name but don't walk the walk, and that is definitely the case with the woman running your youth group. with out the lord giving me advice to give you all i can offer is spiritual discernment, take this and your concerns to the lord and make a decision one way or the other. Either leave that church and find a new one or submit to the leadership as this is gods order and way of doing things, If you can not reconcile the problem and the pastor and wife are unwilling to address the matter then you either submit and leave it with the lord or move on. (THE LORD BLESSES YOU ON THE BASIS OF FAITH NOT ON STUPIDITY OR FALSE RESPECT OR EVEN THE SRCIPTURES )YOU NEED TO PRAY OVER THIS AND MAKE THE BEST DECISION YOU CAN BASED ON WHAT YOU SCENCE, NOT BASED ON YOUR FEELINGS WHICH COME FROM THE FLESH, I know this is difficult when you are young in your journey, but it is all i can offer take courage as the lord is in all this, to make your faith and hope in him and not this world.

[stafy]

I'm concerned for your son, that is totally unfair. But, our family knows how that feels, not in church, but in a private school, my son being different from LD/ADD, no problem otherwise, was treated openly different, that's why I made the decision to change private schools, because obviously, I'm paying for it, if they can't minister to the needs of my child then they don't need my money. I guess it's different at church, but still, Jesus didn't push any child aside and neither should any minister. God doesn't like it either and I guarentee, if they don't correct it, He will. I tell you that the private school I was talking about has dwindled down to maybe 20 students. I pray things will work out for your family.