Quizzy Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Junior Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 6 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 57 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/10/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted April 8, 2007 I say this respectfully and in love... No, point blank, you would not be better off single. That is not God's will for you. There is something lacking in your marriage on both your parts, he was unfaithful....and so were you. When two people in a marriage look outside for a relationship it is because they are not getting their needs met within the marriage, it's as simple as that. Do you know what your husband's needs are? Does he know what yours are? Do you each even know what your own needs are? Sounds like a serious disconnect, and I beleive it would be better that you start spending 30 minutes a day reconnecting. That means talking about your feelings, find out what you're both really about. Find out why he has trouble with finances, the answer lies within him somewhere. Relating to your hurt about the infidelity, what is the cost of reconcilliation. The timing is quite relative, lets look at Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross. He initiated the reconcilliation, he bore the pain of our guilt and shame, although he was sinless, he bear the hurt that was put on him, as well, he bore the guilt of all of us...he carried the shame, all so that we could be reconcilled to God. That is what is required of us, as hard as it is, to follow in His footsteps. Your marriage CAN be better, but it takes more work and time than anyone realizes, its emotionally draining, and at times very very uncomfortable talking about our REAL feelings. What are you hiding from your husband, what does he not know about you? What is your husband hiding about himself, what don't you know about him. I'm not talking about secrets, I am talking about who the "real" you are, without the masks..... It would be interesting to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Biblicist Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 mathy, Something that I have learned lately. . . Everyone in my life, good or bad, is there for God's purpose. Every circumstance is orchestrated by him. Every one. Nothing is outside God's sovereign control. And everything, everyone, in my life is for my good. Like Joseph, "God turned to good what you meant for evil." God has an ultimate plan for your life. He see's the bigger picture, when all you can see is the stroke of the brush or the color of the paint. Give it all over to him and allow him to paint the portrait that he knows you can become. Pretty soon you will start to see more and more of a resembelance of Jesus in your portrait. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul & mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Those are the things that God wants us to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 539 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 32,771 Content Per Day: 5.03 Reputation: 23,453 Days Won: 222 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Mathy I do feel for you cos it is sooo painful to be in a situationthat you are stressed about but can you be honest with yourself about a few things in order to really see what you need to do ? ( no you do not need to post the answers here it is for you and only you to know ) 1. you say he is a financial drain on you ...is it because you earn more than he does and pay the largest amount into the finances or does he gamble / spend an unreasonable amount on his own hobbies or pleasures? If it is that he is unreasonable in what he spends then the answer may be to each contribule the same amount to the household expenses, enough to cover all the bills etc and then whatever is left is yours to do with as you will...so if he wants more to spend then he must find a way to earn more. IF, however, it is just because he is unable to earn more than you then how would you feel if the situation was reversed ( as it so often is ) and he was the bigger earner ...would you then feel guilty about being a "kept woman"? 2. Although finances can put a huge strain on any relationship it sounds as fi this is not the real case here just an added annoyance so you need to put it to one side and think long and hard about what you REALLY want to change in your marriage and then put a lot of work into trying to get it to change. 3. You may have forgiven his adultery in your mind ( sort of ) but you actually havent forgiven him at all ....if you had you would not need to keep telling yourself that you have forgiven him and keep thinking of what would have happened if you had known sooner ....there is no difference, you chose to stay and to forgive and it is soooo very much harder to live with that decision and to work at REALLY meaning it than it is to just walk away and feel perfectly justified in doing so. So you do need to work out if you really have forgiven and try hard not to resent doing so if that is waht you decide to do. 4.It may be that you are still in the marriage so that you can lead your husband to salvation ( you wouldnt be the first one here at worthy to be in that situation ) so pray, pray and pray again till you feel you know why . 5. All I can do is offer to pray for you and to be here if you need a shoulder or a cyber ear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheoMike Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 9 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 499 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/21/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/27/1964 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Since I have no idea who you are, my comments will be very general in nature, based on my experiences as a Christian counselor. Anybody who claims to know what God's will for you is in this situation is probably trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge, too. Nobody can, or has the right, to tell you what God's will is for you. You are your husband's second wife, I gather. So, since he cheated on you, did he also cheat on his first wife? I am assuming he did; this is usually the case. At any rate, many second marriages end the same way as first marriages. A marriage is supposed to be an example of God's love for us. If people look at your marriage and see nothing but strife and misery and regret, that is in no way glorifying to God. You stated that God hates divorce. There are many things God hates, yet He still loves us when we sin or do the things He hates. Divorce is no different. God will not stop loving you just because you end the misery in your life. Reconciliation is the way to go, especially if both partners are believers. But if there is no love there and if peace is lacking in your home and your heart, then maybe the two of you need to sit down, without a counselor, and talk about ending the marriage for both your sakes, and the sake of the child. A marriage can survive and even thrive without love, but without mutual respect and peace, forget it. Staying together for the children or for financial reasons is a bad idea. And staying together to honor your vows is ridiculous if you are not honoring them in your heart and honoring the other person at the same time. You will be impotent in service for the Lord if you are dwelling on the state of you marriage. You will wake up and another 9 years will have gone by and you will find yourself in the same rut, thinking the same thoughts, achieving nothing for the Lord and simply existing. Jesus came to give us an abundant life. This kind of place is the worst place to seek advice; none of us is invested in you in any way, and we are experts. Mathqueen, there is no shame in divorce. But there is terrible shame in wasting the life God gave you to live. I'm sure somebody will want to toss me off a cliff for saying that, but the answer is already there inside you. Pray that the Lord will reveal it to you and that you will make the God-honoring decision that is best for you, best for your husband, best for the child and the decision that honors the Lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathqueen Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 55 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 962 Content Per Day: 0.15 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/26/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/16/1975 Author Share Posted April 8, 2007 (edited) Thanks for your counsel man. Words well said and simply stated, and I agree I need to take my eyes off the money. Again, that's a control thing with me, and I really do need to give that (along with everything else) over to God. I need deliverance from this resentment I am plagued with. Edited April 8, 2007 by mathqueen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest man Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Thanks for your counsel man. Words well said and simply stated, and I agree I need to take my eyes off the money. Again, that's a control thing with me, and I really do need to give that (along with everything else) over to God. I need deliverance from this resentment I am plagued with. Walk in faith and the Lord will give you your hearts desire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathqueen Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 55 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 962 Content Per Day: 0.15 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/26/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/16/1975 Author Share Posted April 8, 2007 Mathy I do feel for you cos it is sooo painful to be in a situationthat you are stressed about but can you be honest with yourself about a few things in order to really see what you need to do ? ( no you do not need to post the answers here it is for you and only you to know ) 1. you say he is a financial drain on you ...is it because you earn more than he does and pay the largest amount into the finances or does he gamble / spend an unreasonable amount on his own hobbies or pleasures? If it is that he is unreasonable in what he spends then the answer may be to each contribule the same amount to the household expenses, enough to cover all the bills etc and then whatever is left is yours to do with as you will...so if he wants more to spend then he must find a way to earn more. IF, however, it is just because he is unable to earn more than you then how would you feel if the situation was reversed ( as it so often is ) and he was the bigger earner ...would you then feel guilty about being a "kept woman"? 2-hug: Hey lady!! Since I control the finances, he can't spend money frivolously, nor does he. But he has received two speeding tickets in less than 6 months, which cost several hundred dollars. He's constantly wanting something, new jeans, new music equipment, just stuff. And it STRESSES me out because we don't have the money to accomodate all of his wants. Yes I make a lot more than him, but that doesn't matter to me. Perhaps it's the constant stress that he's going to mention something else that he wants and again, I say no because we don't have the extra money to spend. And it's not only that, there are legitimate things that have occured that could not be helped (his car needed major repairs), but again I default to the attitude that if I weren't married to him that too would not be my problem. Also, I wouldn't have to listen to his complaints about "It's too hot let's turn the air down", which always turns into a small argument. NO way our bill would be huge, but he doesn't really care too much about that. I know the selfishness behind all of these statements and am praying for God to change my heart and help me focus on Him and His will and purpose. So many of you have said awesome things that I need to hear and are an encouragement to me, and for that, I am SO grateful that God led me to spill out this struggle on this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathqueen Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 55 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 962 Content Per Day: 0.15 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/26/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/16/1975 Author Share Posted April 8, 2007 You are your husband's second wife, I gather. So, since he cheated on you, did he also cheat on his first wife? I am assuming he did; this is usually the case. At any rate, many second marriages end the same way as first marriages. Yes I am his second wife, and she was the one who was repeatedly unfaithful to him. He says he was faithful, but I don't believe him so it doesn't matter. We do not have any children. I appreciate your words, and while I do agree that there is a hindrance to the Lord in my life because of this situation, I cannot blame my husband for that. That lies on me alone because I am allowing, in some sense, for my marriage to be an idol/distraction that is taking my eyes off of Jesus and what he desires for me. Our marriage is not dead, and my husband has worked really hard to repair the damage and work towards restoring a wonderful marriage. The bible is clear that if a believer is married to an unbeliever (my husband has received salvation but no longer walks with the Lord or lives for him, so one can draw whatever conclusions one wants to from that), that the believing spouse should stay so that the other may be won over to the Lord without words. So the finger is pointed at me, and I need to look really hard at myself. I need Jesus to reveal things in me I don't want to acknowledge but that His blood and spirit need to work out in me. I am being refined as we speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheoMike Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 9 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 499 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/21/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/27/1964 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Yes I am his second wife, and she was the one who was repeatedly unfaithful to him. He says he was faithful, but I don't believe him so it doesn't matter. We do not have any children. I appreciate your words, and while I do agree that there is a hindrance to the Lord in my life because of this situation, I cannot blame my husband for that. That lies on me alone because I am allowing, in some sense, for my marriage to be an idol/distraction that is taking my eyes off of Jesus and what he desires for me. Our marriage is not dead, and my husband has worked really hard to repair the damage and work towards restoring a wonderful marriage. The bible is clear that if a believer is married to an unbeliever (my husband has received salvation but no longer walks with the Lord or lives for him, so one can draw whatever conclusions one wants to from that), that the believing spouse should stay so that the other may be won over to the Lord without words. So the finger is pointed at me, and I need to look really hard at myself. I need Jesus to reveal things in me I don't want to acknowledge but that His blood and spirit need to work out in me. I am being refined as we speak. Excellent. First, anything you put before the Lord is an idol, including your spouse. Good on you for seeing that. If your husband is working to restore a "wonderful" marriage, then I conclude it was wonderful before the adultery, right? That being the case, we would need to find out why he cheated on you, and the onus is then on him to give you reasons why he won't do it again. The finger really is pointed at him. Perhaps the marriage wasn't as wonderful as you think it was; what was he unhappy with? Or did he just get caught up and get carried farther along than he intended. Men can be real boobs that way; they get sucked into a relationship and before they know it, they are trapped between their mistress, who they dont want to hurt, and the wife, who they dont want to get angry. Pity the fool! While you are correct that just because your husband is an unbeliever, that is no reason end the marriage, adultery is always a good reason to end a marriage, however; but it doesn't always have to be the case. You see? But, if you read Paul's admonition, he makes it clear that the believing/unbelieving spouses should stay together only as long as there is peace in the household. If there is no peace, then that teaching does not apply. You rightfully have an issue with trusting your husband, and that does matter. Trust is essential in a marriage. If there is no trust, how can you have an open and transparent relationship? There will always be an undercurrent of resentment and jealousy on the part of both of you. That is why you as the offended party deserve reasons, and darn good reasons, from your husband as to why he will never do this again. For what it's worth, I wouldn't believe him, either at this point. The bottom line is, the more important relationship is the one between you and the Lord, not the one between you and your husband. If you can serve the Lord faithfully and continue to grow in grace, and stay married, do so. But if staying married draws you away from the Lord, cut your husband off and let him go. I would love to be able to sit down with the two of you in a counseling setting; you seem like the dream client(s). Each of us, as we live our lives, will face choices. Some will be big, some small, but all carry eternal consequences. May the Lord guide you as you look for His will. Obviously you have a good relationship with God; I pray that answers will soon be forthcoming. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingwalker Posted April 8, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 970 Content Per Day: 0.14 Reputation: 11 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/20/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted April 8, 2007 (((((mathy)))))) As I read your story, I too, saw my self and feelings about believing that I would be better off single than being married. I thought I was the only one who felt this way and it was all my fault. I have been married only 10 months, and yet I dont want a divorce. The responses have been of some encouragement to me as well. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I dont feel so alone in my feelings and I am grateful of the others responding with so much love and care. berribear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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