I've ruined my marriage...now what do I do

[Guest MSO]

I just became a member of your board. I am in need of some good Christian advice.

I became a Christian 4 years ago. I have been married for 18 years. For most of the 1st 14 years of my married life, I cheated on my wife by going to strip clubs, adult book stores and massage parlors. I spent hours on the internet in adult sites. My mom is a Christian and I was raised in a Baptist Church. So I knew about Jesus and the Bible, I had just never accepted him into my life. So 4 years ago I finally hit bottom, confessed all to Christ and changed my life. I praise God for that. I have overcome my addictions. I am a new man. The problem is that within a week of confessing all to Christ, I felt very strongly that I should confess all to my wife. So I did. She was very hurt and angry, as you could imagine. Her first reaction was to get a divorce. I told her I did not want a divorce. I wanted to work things out. We have 4 children and I did not want to put them through a divorce. I suggested therapy. At first, she did not want to go. I finally talked her into going. I made an appointment with a Christian therapist and we went. To this day I don't know why this happened, but the therapist didn't show up for the session. Later, he told us that he had written the wrong date in his appointment book. He was very sorry and offered us a free session, but I could not get her to go. She did agree to private therapy. She went twice and stopped. She said it wasn't helping her. I did see a therapist a few times myself. What she finally agreed to was to stay married to me but she would never love me again. It has been 4 years and this has not changed. Our relationship has improved. We are friends again. But she says I have hurt her too much. She can never trust me again and she can never love me again or forgive me. I am so sorry for what I have done. I still love her very much. I try to do everything I can to make her life better and to be a good father. I have written to other advice boards, non-Christian, and am being told that we should divorce. That what I did to my wife is unforgivable. That the kids are being hurt growing up with parents that are not in love. I don't know what to do. I don't believe in divorce, but I don't want to mess my kids up either. I also am having a hard time in a marriage without any intimacy. I have not held her hand, kissed her or been able to put my arms around my wife for 4 years and I miss that so much. I still am very much in love with her.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Edited June 11, 2004 by MSO

[cymba22]

WELL DONE YOU you've taken that FIRST HARDEST step.....as a women i can tell you now...you have a chance...albeit VERY SLIM.....best thing...start dating her agin...you know what i mean...dont make any pass at her or anything like that....just casually ask if shed like to see a film with you...or even visit your church ....or a good one a lunch time meal together then after that a couple of days later maybe suggest (again casually) an early evening meal...again no passes(this could take 6 - 12 months but if your really determined)just slowly gain her confidance in you...then trust will follow :hug:

[WayneB]

MSO,

My impression from what you wrote?

First, you're right. Divorce should NOT be considered.

Second, give it more time. You already said that the relationship has improved and you are friends again. Well brother, that's the first step. It takes time!

Third, she wouldn't be with you IF she didn't love you. She may say one thing but the reality may be something else.

Last, do not worry about the kids and the perceptions about your relationship with their mother. They will be fine. I can testify to that.

A strong relationship is not based on just an erotic or emotional love but it goes much deeper. These last four years, you have been building a strong foundation, at least that is what it sounds like from what you wrote. Do not give that up!! It is hard work IF you do it right. Let your witness speak for itself. Are you truly a new man? If so, she will fall in love all over again with that new man. Four years is NOT a very long time. Be patient. That may be exactly what the Lord is trying to teach you. Place it in the FATHER's hands. Trust HIM!

I am not a therapist but my impression from what you wrote? You probably have a better relationship with your wife of 18 years than most people (hence the bad advice you got from secular boards). Hang in there... practice your FAITH and show nothing but an agape type love for your wife and children. You and they will be blessed! Remember, you played around for 14 years. Healing may take awhile. Be patient!

Bless you,

Wayne

postscript: My parents had a rough relationship when I was growing up. I don't think the details are important but I will share with you that they just celebrated 51 years of marriage. IF you work hard and place your trust in God, it will grow stronger. Maybe you will be blessed to celebrate your Silver and Golden anniversaries as well? 4 years? A grain of sand...that's all. You have an eternity to look forward to!

[nebula]

Third, she wouldn't be with you IF she didn't love you. She may say one thing but the reality may be something else.

That is a good point.

Hurt and ange are flip sides of the same coin, and often people confuse feelings of anger with feelings of hate. Likewise, "I don't love you anymore" can really mean, "I've been so hurt that I've buried my feelings so I don't feel the hurt anymore."

My initial thought though, is where is she with Jesus? Obviouslu, she doesn't have the strength on her own to face her hurt and take the risk to forgive. She needs Jesus in her life to give her the strength she needs to get through this herself.

Prayers and blessings!

[Guest MSO]

Thanks for the response.

Cymba22-Your advice is good. We do go on dates. I am self-employed and home during the day. So when the kids are in school, we go to lunch or shopping. We spend alot of time together. What it seems to me is that she is ok with the relationship the way it is. She has a the father of her kids at home with them, she has a financial provider (she works part time, I own my own business and provide the most financially to the family), and she even has a friend she can spend time with and talk too. It just seems like she is willing to keep it this way and not have anything else from me. Believe me when I say that I am more than willing to be all of these things for her and my family. After what I did, I could have a lot less.

To Wayne, (Saved By Grace), thank you for your advice. I do need to be patient. I know the Lord is teaching me something in all of this. I have grown in the past years and the lessons I have learned have been good. I expect to spend the rest of my life with her, so we still have a lot of time together. I thank God that we are still together, whatever that relationship may be. I do go through times of doubt and second guessing. What if things never change? What if she leaves me when the kids are grown? I also go through times of feeling sorry for myself. I ask "don't I deserve the love of a woman?" "I've changed...don't I deserve a second chance?". But I have to keep reminding myself of all the good things I have in my life.

[Guest MSO]

To Nebula:

She does not have a relationship with Jesus. We were both non-Christians when we married and she has not shown an interest in the church. It is something that I pray about and hope that she will someday see that she does not have to face her hurt alone.

[WayneB]

To Nebula:

She does not have a relationship with Jesus. We were both non-Christians when we married and she has not shown an interest in the church. It is something that I pray about and hope that she will someday see that she does not have to face her hurt alone.

Then it is obvious brother what you need to do... at least to me.

Romans 8

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

[refugepsa91]

MSO,

I hope I'm not gonna offend any here...but I can give you some advice about how maybe she is feeling...by what I experienced with something almost in the situation your in...I don't want to share details publicly...but I can tell you my husband and I are deeply in love and will never part.

Maybe she is having trouble getting past the issue of why these women attracted you...what is she lacking that you couldn't find it at home. Why didn't she meassure up....and questions like...Am I ugly?...Is it my nose?...Is it my body? And then for me to get past the issue of when he held me..is he thinking about those other women? Does he compare me in his mind to them? Now I don't want to open a can of worms but I can tell you that was a big hurdle for me. I loved my hubby but I had a horrible complex afterwards.

Just keep being there for her...make sure she knows you think she is wonderful, pretty, and interesting. It will help I promise. Make sure to compliment her personality too...that always nice to hear...like gee I love your sense of humor and stuff like that.

Let me know if you need to talk.

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[RGR]

You've taken the first step in being honest with her. Truth has a way of always coming out, so it's better to get it out in the open ASAP.

I can understand where your wife is coming from. I've been put through a situation in which cheating and lies were very commonplace. It's so hard to trust again, especially if the other person isn't showing changes. This is the thing you have going for you-you are showing your desire to change.

I would very much try to get back into some sort of counseling if at all possible. I however will disagree with my dear friend Brother Wayne on one point. I think it best to be honest about this-because your wife is still there does not necessarily mean that she is still in love. I know this situation all too well. It could be staying for the kids or it even could be a fear of the unknown. Just keep praying and doing what is right and God will move for you!

[ted]

MSO,

Do NOT ever lose hope! Keep your faith in God and He will lead you to what is right.

My wife and I went thriugh the same sort've stuff 4 years ago. In our case, both of were wrong. As yet unsaved at the time, we seperated and lived apart for a year and a half.

We both came to Jesus around the same week (not knowing about each others decision for Him, we still were not in touch with each other) and immediatly things started to get better. I went from no job, no family, and a life of sin, to having it all given back to me (us) within one month of Salvation!

It's hard, Brother, but possible.

Today, we are doing better than ever. I just got back from a year in Afghanistan and we both were dreading the time away from each other, but for the first time in our marriage, we were not afraid of the time alone. (no worries about where the other one was, etc...)

Only through the love of God and His mighty strength were we able to change!

Good luck and feel welcome to email or PM me if you need to.

In Christ,

t.