LittlePebble10

This is going to be a blog post for my Public Diary on my website. I was wondering what everyone thoughts were before I complete the writing and edit it through. The concept is accepting who you are and fulfilling the purpose that God has given you. Identity is a very important factor to purpose. To deny that God made you exactly who you are supposed to be is in contradiction to what Jesus died for. Its especially in contradiction to being fearfully and wonderfully made. However, that sure don't stop the spiritual darkness from trying to trap you in false facts. You are made to be exactly who God wanted you to be. God made me a male with deep imagination and an expressive youthful spirit that can be feminine. I identify as a male, but I won't allow that to limit me to cultural masculinity. Of course we are not supposed to be that way anyway are we? You would be surprised the amount of fellow Christian brethren who challenged me on my masculinity under cultural reasoning. Some would call me too feminine, or that I am too childish. In their perception my imagination defies the meaning of scripture even though that is a cultural belief. Culture thinks that imagination is ignorance to reality. However, without imagination there would be no computers, air-plains, or even a basic understanding to Gods word. Without imagination one is limited to their own understanding. Let me state that I do not in any way identify as a women. So don't make that mistake in how I present myself. Wish I had a dime jar every time some one made this mistake. I would be one rich little fur baby dragon. I am still working on my last entry for the 2020 update for my public diary, but I wanted something to write to buy me some time. I sort of hit a little bit of writer block with part 3. That is for those of you who are keeping up with Fathomistic Fantasy, "Imaginative Crafts." Its in the archive section of the Blog. I really wanted to write something that really defines my view point on identity and just how hard it is to fight off spiritual attacks from my inner mind at times. I would be a liar if I said I never questioned my gender. Perhaps the most wonderful thing that God provided me was the ability to be satisfied with who I am in my masculinity and the feminine traits with it. My babyfursona's name is Lily to challenge societies perspective on outward expression. He is the character who I identify with in my wonderland. It is a rather long explanation of how I finalized my coping strategies, but I just wanted to do a short explanation before I hear your thoughts and opinions on the battle on identity. For the most part I hope to cover gender and spirituality in this public diary. Its not just gender. Its also identity as a whole. This part of spiritual warfare is the most difficult because it stems from who you are on the inside. When some one questions their gender it really is a symptom of a much bigger problem. That is, an individuals identity and their inner self as they perceive. It can become chaotic when you don't know what is or is not. I suppose I am one of the lucky ones that did not become persuaded to transition. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had a therapist direct me in that resolution. I am truly blessed to have been given wonderful counselors over the years. Thoughts? questions? Anything you would like to add. Please let me know if I should label something anonymous when I publish the final draft. This is basically the abstract of what I am writing. Thanks!

I got to thinking about the colors I like to use. Of course as an artist this does limit things. However, I think having a list of three favorite colors never hurts. In order they are Sky Blue, Purple, and Pink. They are close together on the color wheel at their root. Not sure how it turned out that way. It sure was not planned in my life. Sky blue was my child hood favorite. Back then I was the typical boy. My mother says she knew I was going to do something with my hands when she saw me spend hours with wooden builder toys. I am not entirely sure what drew me to the color blue. I know in high school I chose sapphire for my senior ring. It was the color of Saphira from Eragon and its the color of my tulpa named Seria. I created her in 2007. For the longest time I thought it was 2008 until I dug up my old diaries. Purple is obvious. That is Spyro and well its the color of blue mixed with red. Pink is a diluted red. I actually got into pink because of Pinkie Pi in 2008 if remember correctly. Of course the meaning changed over time. What stuck was the meaning of salvation. Red being symbolic of Jesus's blood and white meaning purity. When you put the two together they make pink. In a way you could say God is not done with me yet. Hints the reason the lack of white. It is simply pink. Also I will never stop saying, "I am absolutely positively pink," when I am over joyed. That is something Pinkie Pie always said in G3. What are your three colors? Are they a triad, complementary, or are they warm colors in variation? What meaning do you get out of them in your life?

I am not one for too many political debates, but I thought I would add my viewpoint. I do soldering, wood working, and some other types of craft/work that requires a mask. The biggest difference between air born irritants and a virus is one can still damage while the other can be removed. Saw dust for one can technically cause problems over a long stretch of time. I do my soldering under my air conditioning vent. It cools down the air and minimizes the fumes. Solder for electronics generally does not create a lot of fumes. Even EEvlog who is recognized as a big information resource on YT mentions how having a simple fan helps push the smoke out of your face. I can actually remember being a young teenager and the instrument shops in my town always smelled of solder due to how they will do repair work inside. On shop I been in the guy did not even have a fan and was soldering guitar pots for an electric 6 string. I do rather in depth stuff that has all these weird precautions like connecting yourself to the earth ground of the house for anti-static mats. I don't do this myself due to how expensive it is to install. I just try to keep things in anti-static packages because you have to have the correct humidity and the perfect moment where the current goes through the chip in the wrong sections. Basically for my standards I don't have anti-static stuff and I don't electrically connect myself to a large metal table unless its something like the high power lm386 classic that is very easy to break How does this relate to cov19? Basically idea is the virus needs DNA because it cannot reproduce on its own under the basic definition of a biological definition. When protecting yourself against something can harm you even if its moved to a different surface makes this a whole lot harder than simply putting on a mask. Actually I bought a bunch of masks one year because they were cheap and I needed something for my rotary tool that puts a lot of metal filings in the air. Turns out they were cheap for a reason. They did not do a thing for the sides there was open area. I would even find myself with discomfort with saw dust using these cheap masks. Now imagine a virus that does harm differently. No matter what you do you will breath it in. The whole point of wearing something over your face was to stop you from spreading it to others. Its not perfect, but it can decrease the statistics greatly from what I understand. I wear my cheap masks that I mentioned because although it does nothing for saw dust and air born particles in the shop it does a great job for when i sneeze and cough. Lastly the whole wearing gloves thing is a joke. No offense to anyone who still does it. I use gloves for handling my blank circuit boards because the oils on my skin can ruin them given a long enough time for erosion. This is where the famous flux comes in. It does help, but its only for minor erosion. In order to really protect my circuit boards I have to wash my hands, put on my gloves, and in some cases I will use isopropal alcohol to make sure I have clean gloves. Now imagine going from store to store. You will still need to sanitize your hands. That and sanitize the gloves. Your gloves will wear out. The ones I have cost a couple dollars per pair instead of a box of 50 pcs. I use thicker ones also to help minimize the risk of shock. I use low voltages, but it still makes you jump. The ones I have are commonly used for washing dishes and dealing with grass clippings. They don't last a really long time when I am constantly soldering though. Be safe people and live a stress free life. Don't put God in a box.

You know I got into a sort of conversation on a live stream with Tsitra360. (An artist I look up to). He mentioned how both digital and and traditional mediums have their own advantages and disadvantages. The biggest disadvantage of traditional is that you cannot change how chemistry and the physics of light work. While you can do this in digital traditional picks up the being advantage of pieces being worth more. Digital art can only make prints to sell. There is no original piece because its all in big data structures of binary numbers. A lot of people criticize digital because of this. In reality pixel art is a thing. Whether it be stencils, words/letters placed strategically to depict an image, or stippling from a pencils. Comic books began with carefully measured sections to present a story of slides in an appealing-to-the-eye way. Perhaps the biggest reason people turn to digital is because its a lot easier to maintain. It does not cost less due to the price of the tablet, the high end graphics computer, and a reasonable art program. I traditionally use GIMP for minor editing and for experimenting with layers. I would like to get into digital, but I can't afford the stuff for it. Especially because I got my own craft taking up a lot of money already. It sure would be easier to be able to put pigment into a panel for a modular synth though. Sticker, computerized ink of some sort for metal, or even laser engraving. However, its a lot more affordable for me to do this traditionally since I already invest a lot of money into paints and traditional mediums. I actually enjoy using a normal number 2 pencil when I am just trying to sketch something out to understand the object of study better. I will even use cheap printer paper. I always cringe at people using notebook paper unless they are doing a optical illusion that requires it. Printer paper is a lot cheaper than note book paper. Plus its loose and easy to keep a lot of on hand. I tend to stock up on it when ever I am agrivated with my sketching. When I get something that really seems interesting or I fall in love with something I use a light table to transfer it onto better paper. I am actually planning on building a light table with circuitry that dims several sets of light. It will work exactly like the opacity settings in Adobe Photoshop. Except its limited to how may sheets of glass are used between strips of lights and the thickness of paper used. The idea in the beginning was just to make things easier to see how dark my liens are without losing the underside image. Now I hope to make something that will provide flexibility for sketching. The final can be inked onto a good mixed media paper and then finished into one solid image withing a traditional medium.

Thats cool!. I need to change out my link to my website. My wix website is about making an imaginative craft. Specifically in art, writing, and DIY. However, I am looking for other ways to expand. I should consider other writers to present their own imaginative crafts. Basically the idea is to combine many different hobbies and or talents to tell a story. Basically an expressive imaginative craft. I will be sure to fix that in my sig in just a moment. That is if your interested in checking it out. I am still working on making a central mission statement mind you. Its a work in progress for sure. I did all the artwork and writing thus far on it myself. I been here for a while. However, when I began having trouble with higher education I had to focus on that before I could be active on the forums. I really need to look up the other forums I used to be on. Especially the tech DIY ones that can help me get my web site noticed. Faith the size of a little pebble!

I truly find it fascinating that people will consider this idolatry, but that family hearilum vase is priceless. This is something I myself prayed about with my tulpas. They are pieces of art depicting an imagined reality. Its a place that everyone has in their own version really. Most people imagine a meadow or a lake where they can sit down and be peaceful. I just like to make the place a little more interesting. I also find my imagination do this more often without me acknowledging it. I am just so used to imagining fantasy. I even really enjoy telling it and I love art and writing for that reason. Ok where is our understanding of basic English? The scripture that really sticks out here in idolatry is Deuteronomy 5:8. The word graven is used as an adjective in this sentence. What is an adjective? It is an attribute to what ever word its describing. In this scripture its describing an image. So lets imagine now shall we? We still have imagination right? There is this painter well name Bob. He likes to paint giraffes with pink poke-dots. Well he would not painting them if he did not find the idea of a pink poke-dot giraffe an interesting concept. Perhaps he has some stories about a little child like character. So, he gives this painting character. Imagine if you will this character holding tea cup and acting like any other person would at the age of 5 or 6. Stuffed animals and the like. All at the table and she talks to them as if they are real people. One would might say this is promoting idolatry. After all she is treating as real characters right? However, in her mind its obvious that this is all play and an imagined reality. How about the painter? I imagine this story he imagined is play pretend and he himself would have a family of devoted Christians. That fictional pink poke-doted giraffe is representative of the daughter he loves. In the same way we have illustrations of who we imagine Jesus and the disciples were. Although to my knowledge there are no accurate paintings of Jesus or the disciples because Christians were being massacred after Jesus died. We know this in the later sections of the New Testament. Paul's life before hand was a testimony of this. I don't think we have evidence saying there was no painters in those times just enjoying their art and presenting a gift to their culture. I really doubt many Christians believe that the images of Jesus we today is an accurate representation. After all the Bible does not describe in any detail the physical features that Jesus had. It totally leaves a blank slate as to what he really looked like. We can only imagine. If stained glass windows and sculptures are idols then then the Black Lives Matters movement have created an idol out of a Jesus they had imagined to be Black. Its a depiction in their head right? Its an image none-the-less. I find this whole tearing down statues thing to be comical generally because we don't worship images or sculptures. We worship Gods word and the person who the pieces of art depict. We don't the art if that makes sense?

What is your life and What is your living ministry like? Hopefully no one has made a thread like this already, but I figured I would share my life. My mother is a retired OT. On occasion she gets called in to cover for who ever. She began with hand therapy, went into lymphedema therapy, children motor skills, womens health, and had a wonderful end with in school therapy with going between schools. My father wanted to be a lawyer. At the time of school my mother was doing part time work. She took a while before she really made up her mind one being an OT. My father ended up changing his major to become a public accountant. Ended up starting a business with his best friend for public accounting. I remember getting into the family pictures with his friends family when I was little. My siblings (to keep it short), we are all adopted. I am a big advocate for supporting adoption for that reason. My brother had turrets syndrome ever since he was little. He was accepted into most programs that were necessary because of the severity of his diagnosis. I had a hard time getting what I did. Even when I did I was bullied through out school and parts of my higher education. If you read the threads about my last attempts at it you know I gave up because I was yelled at for becoming confused over the material and I slipped into my bad habits. My little sister was adopted from the Great Wall Adoption Agency. I suppose you could say she was made in China. She was left in a card board box like an abandoned pet. With how strict the rules are in China you are only allowed one child. If you give birth to a girl it can financially ruin your family. My sister was named the Chinese word for Lucky snow due to how she survived the cold. She has a new name now, but its been several years. Me and her are in a race against time to get our license. A 29 year old racing against a 16 for the license. Nice picture right? As a Christian I firmly believe in having faith the size of a pebble. My Nickname is LP2Lily. I go by Little Pebble most often due to how I only recently began hearing my calling. My calling in a life as a Christian is inside of what I call imaginative craft. I began a wix website recently in hopes I can market my books with DIY projects. Its going to have a mixture of Christian themes as well as KANDI PLUR Techno themes. My first project of tutorials is called, "Look Mom A Computer," which will be a parody off of Ben Eaters tutorials on digital logic and Sam's work on "Look Mum No Computer." The idea is to build computing systems for modular song mixing. Basically building a system to mix and master music without having a traditional computer. Basically you are using a computer you built specifically for mixing mastering and then if desired recorded onto a CD using a DJ CD writing media device. The first modular system I am naming "Lily and Molly Poly-Synth." I am very faithful that God will open doors for me using my wonderland and my imaginative craft. The idea is to tell a story while writing a tutorial. Its basically a world outside of my books I am going to publish. If any of you used the art-books by J. NeonDragon its similar to that. Only its art, tech, and craft DIY. Neon Dragon used his characters Dolosus a dragon character and then a human character that plays as his minion. My Characters are Lily and Molly to start with. I will be putting comic strip type stuff here and there in my tutorials. I will also cite my sources in MLA format because its a parody of several different YT channels. I think it would be proper to provide links for those I quote. XD With any luck I will have the first introduction up the 7nth or the week end fallowing. I been working so hard on cleaning and overcoming my fears with my coping strategies being out in the open has done wonders for me. I hope this did not sound too much like an introduction meant for the introductions forum. My goal was to explain the ministry I am trying to build. If that makes sense. Anyone want to share part of your life and the type of ministry your living?

Some of my favorite artist do mostly digital work. I myself prefer mixed media. I really love to challenge the possibility of what may or may not work. Like recently I been working on a piece that is acrylic paint and color pencil. I been using Basics full body for the acrylic and Prisma Premier for the color pencil. I generally use Apple Barrel to make my own gesso. I need something that does not come out too smooth due to how you need tooth for color pencil to work. I mix in chalk powder commonly used for food grade calcium. Then I add a little bit of water and baby powder to help make it a little more workable. I will also use school glue to make it forgiving. When ever I get too dark I can use a little bit of water and a scraper to remove the color and then cover it with freshly mixed custom gesso. I also really enjoy graphite and charcoal because it helps me understand light of an object that I am having trouble with. Like I spent a couple hours using one of my pacifiers to do the piece I use for my avatar across the forums I am on. I really need to update it with a new one though. I been using this avatar a bit too long. I have a new pacifier that I imagined for my OC to use. I also made up one for my tulpa named Molly. Hers is one that has quartz crystals and her initials MC on it. Her father was an Engineer specialized in mining a special type of crystal that is easily converted into electrical power for homes. Instead of power lines they use a pipe line that carries the processed crystals in a liquid. Once processed it has to be kept under pressure in order to keep it from changing directly into electrical energy. Once I have my apartment all picked up and organized I hope to do a lot of concept art for my book series. I really need it if I am going to put art on my electronic projects. I also have a few pieces I want to update like the pacifiers. One of them has a cross in the background in like an abstract type of art. With the words, "Autism is hard, but it would be impossible without God." So, anyone want to fill in on what mediums they use and what Kind of art they do?

And that right there is a big argument that I use. Only the act of chewing does nothing for me. Hints why I sometimes wonder if this is an oral fixation at all. I can eat my weight in soft candies if it was not for my pacifier. The feeling of something soft helps me concentrate. Even sucking is not really a part of it. Actually if you keep a constant low pressure in your mouth from sucking it begins to hurt. Generally I just fiddle with the nipple the same way one would with the back end of a pencil or if your a farmer, a piece of hay. I just find that the rubber nipple is a lot more appealing then the other items. Plus being an artist and a DIY'r the drool on the marking utensil actually becomes a problem. Thant and if your walking around or doing complex math the soft nipple is a whole lot more comfortable over longer periods of time. I actually buy the expensive Pacifiers R Us Ortho number 7 type. When ever the sheild plastic wears out I will break the button and get the nipple out of an infant pacifier. Mams work great for this, but I hate how they don't have something to clip to. Although Avent pacifiers can be used as well. They do have something to clip to, but are harder to get apart. I had a friend tell me she used to work at a pacifier factory and said that most pacifiers are fused together under force. Like the machine will physically pop them together and use a high-frequency tool that will momentarily melt the plastic. Once bonded it is not possible to get apart. I had a couple that the plastic button will tear apart before the button comes off. After spending 60usd for a pacifier you sort of find ways to reuse the nipple until it is for-sure not usable anymore. Like the nipple will stick together on the inside which means the rubber is starting to break down. Generally I replace my pacifiers with new ones at least once a year, but I have used the nipples a lot longer before. I try to get two so that way if I don't have the money at the end of the year I will still have a second one to use. Update I am sitting at my computer with my pacifier in my mouth. I moved the tool chest and the big handsaw that was sitting on it. I rearranged my main room to be a lot more open. I gotten a lot done with the big boost I got from this decision to overcome my fear. The feeling is starting to wear off. Having the blinds open while I use my pacifier is becoming normal for me. Mostly if I have not mentioned it yet, my apartment glass doors to my porch face a bunch of trees. There are occasional passer bys, but its been really quiet. Like only time people passed by was either on a cart for doing apartment maintenance or alike a bike. Not sure why anyone would be on a bike in the grass, but hey not many people with a pacifier out in the open either. For the most part I am concentrating on securing my ability to use my pacifier and or hold my plushy without care of being seen. I do want to tackle my ability to be at like a restaurant, library, or other reasonable place with my pacifier. I still need to make plans on how I will display modesty while doing so. What kind of moments would I need to put it away and how should I consider using my pacifier when I really need it. Like if its in a place that may not be appropriate, but it becomes absolutely necessary for calming down? These are things I will be thinking about. I also will also start blogging this instead of keeping up with this thread. Right now its helpful to put updates on the forums due to being busy with my apartment. I am so determined to have my place organized where I can do electronics again and to do so that is low level programming and extensive on the math. Like MOSfets, op amps, and amplifier filter type math stuff. Totally wanting to make my Lily Molly Poly-synth something amazing!

edit; Thanks, hopefully I get this fixed in time. I could have swarn I took my antidepressant at noon. I guess not if I got depressed. Even if I don't get a job. I have faith the size of a pebble. I trust that God will make a miracle happen and my Lily and Molly Poly-synth will make a big hit and people will buy my books to know who Lily and Molly are.

Being an author is a job technically. Mind you, you need money getting started. Even Mark Crily mentioned in his YT videos that he had to work while he was promoting his books. He is more a comic book artist than anything else though. My books will have pictures where necessary. Still, I am playing it by ear until I know for certain. My plan is to get a job at a home improvement or hardware store. Its been a good long while since I really pushed my self against anxiety as a customer courtesy clerk at a grocery store. However, I want to try and make it temporary if I do get that sort of job. God called me to be a writer and an artist after all. . Update Past two days I was able to bring my blinds open to the point you can see through them. I imagine people have to be looking long enough in order to spot me. I hope to get my apartment cleaned up the rest of the way before the week end. Especially since I am doing away with the blinds. I really hope to have my main room spotless so I can move the blinds entirely. They will be there, but I am looking forward to not having to be anxious over it. I even plan to take the bath towels off my bedroom window. Yes, thats how bad my anxiety was there for a little while. My room is mostly art themed with stuffed animals and my pony collection. Mostly it is art with a toddler theme if that make sense. If I am going to age regress and play pretend I will put up some sort of curtains. That way I am modest about it. If I am only using a pacifier and holding a stuffed animal while dressed normally then I am not going to worry about it. I really did not think it would be this easy and this quick to do. I have been to Bronycon with my pacifier and stuffed animal. That might help explain why its been so smooth going.

With how I had some ups and downs with this already I might as well lighten the mood with a joke. Like I managed to reply to people without any gaps. I used to hit writers block when I came across this in my writing. The dialogue of two or more characters would be so perfectly balanced it seemed out of place. I still need to work on it. My Tulpas miss the times we used writing as a medium to get together. I get so busy at times imagining the wonderland while I work makes things possible. Not exactly the best way though. It has its draw backs. A topic I should include on my new public diary. The media really does stretch the truth nowadays. They do this with every subculture though. They make Christians sound really hateful at times. Thanks soo much for your kind words. You really have been a wonderful example of what the Christian subculture really is. This thread would look so cool if we all had a separate color for our responses. LOL

That is probably the weirdest part about all of this. I become so overwhelmed with feeling alone. I did open up my blinds a little today. My computer is by the back porch sliding door window. I have my band saw sitting on a large tool cabinet so I am hidden enough to feel secure and the exposure is balanced. My apartment is a bit of a mess as it usually is when I am feeling with things. I was doing good there for a while and then missed my antidepressant the other day. I am currently unemployed, but really I have mixed feelings about getting a job. I hate being paid to sit at home. Especially when I am scared to simply open up the blinds to see the sun set. I used to be adamant about getting up at the crack of dawn to see the sun rise. My mother was convinced it had something to do with sun downing. Like seeing the sun set caused my depression somehow. If I pull it off and God provides a miracle with my books and technical hobby then I won't need a job. I will be soo busy with book signings. When I am not signing books then I will be in the shop soldering circuits together, building cabinets, and perhaps commissions for the Kandi Techno musicians out there. My book series is based off of a mix of many historical events from American history and Biblical history. The team of guardians has two characters that are based off of my coping strategies in age regression. Molly Charleston is a cat fox hybrid who studied complex computer science and digital circuitry. She is the mainframe engineer for the sky ship Lysteria. Her connection to pacifiers began with her 16th birthday. It has a history of when she was 6 years old, but you will have to get the book when I publish it. She was a musician in a techno band and she built her own electronic keytar and synth cabinet. Noah Truman on the other hand had a difficult life with friendships. The only way he can focus on his work is to use a pacifier instead of a pen cap or a wooden stick to chew on. He is a dragon fox hybrid. He shines best with the analogue circuitry. Molly depended on recorded samples for her instrument because building the effects processing was hard enough. Making the voice of her instrument would not have been her cup of tea. Noah is a communications engineer for the radio. He is masterful at both cryptography and cartography. Taking the ability to hide maps an audio stream and encrypt coordinates is what ultimately keeps the sky ship Lysteria safe and hidden in the clouds. Hiding a blimp the size of a foot ball stadium is not easy. Lily and Molly become really close friends. They have no romantic interest with each-other, but their bond is still closer than siblings. Why would God give me these very deep details about life that technically does not exist? I refuse to think that my life is this way with my coping strategies in Tulpamancy and age regression unless there is a purpose that God has for my life. Being Christian does not mean life will get easier. It means that I won't be alone in these difficult problems that my TBI and autism has put me in.

I was rather vulnerable to my emotions last night. So, spending an hour to reduce 4 long paragraphs to 2 short ones was not easy. However, I would make a lousy writer if I did not put myself to the challenge even when I may not feel like it. You might be surprised to know the support forum with one of its respected members mentioned how I would be forcing some one to see a type of fetish. This person has said very wise things in the past. He always seems very well thought out in his responses. He did respond in a respectful way. I was kind of caught off guard because no one responded within a couple hours. Then he did, but made a rather interesting point that made it all very clear. It took a while to click, but when it did I realize now that this might be more important for me to fallow through. Even if I only manage to make myself comfortable with a stuffed animal and pacifier in my own apartment with the blinds open I would achieve something for those with severe anxiety. No one responded at first because this topic has been brought up on this forum several times before. This is a sure sign that it is a deep desire for others like me who only want to be tolerated in normal society. No one needs to show acceptance or even agreement. Just enough respect to show that it is tolerated enough for people who use this for severe social anxiety and invisible disabilities. If that makes sense. There are even those who will do kind of like a play thing out in the open. Come to think of it I vaguely remember seeing a thread of a person who did this. It had a picture of him in shortels, an Elmo shirt, and a pacifier on a traditional clip. Sitting in a booth at a restaurant. He was an adult fully dressed, but in the full costume. We call this age regression because the community is really big. I certainly would not do an all on full age regression out in the open. I call my concept a halfway age regression because its minimal with modesty in mind. This subculture ranges from those who have a wide range of disabilities to those who use this for a fun activity just for the thrill. Like "Hey I will dress up like your kid and we can go to a restaurant like parent and child." However, the near entirety of this culture is closed off because of how the media portrayed us in the past. The member of the forum I mentioned is not wrong about getting dirty looks. I imagine those who are aware of this subculture have a lot of wrong information. Yet, I wonder how many actually know. Just like the subculture Tulpamancy. If only I had a dime for every question about witch craft or some outlandish thing they read from Creepy pastas. However, putting this concern aside I choose to continue this journey. Only with a whole new reason. I hope to make a record of it. Yet, it was very particular people who got dark about the question. Most would look it up and then become concerned. I hope to provide insight on what it looks like to not be afraid. Sometimes this really is a necessary thing for me. However, I am so afraid to use it that I break down long before I do. If I can overcome the fear then perhaps I will allow myself before it becomes dire with my emotions.

I am normally an introvert and prefer the internet as a form of social life. I can be who I am and not have to worry about my appearance. I am most comfortable having what I call my little items. I mentioned this before, but I have not brought it up in a while. I find having a stuffed animal and an adult sized pacifier helps me focus. They do make them for autism and people trying to quit smoking. Of course when the task requires more freedom of movement I do use my pacifier and my plush will be in a seat by my electronics lab table. I bring this up again because with social distancing dying down I really want to do something that is my deepest wish. For the longest time I wanted to not be afraid to use my pacifier out in a public setting. Mind you, I would be modest with it. I do keep it on a string when ever I am at home. I can always put it in my shirt when ever its absolutely necessary. I really cant explain how this works. I am not sure if its an oral fixation because the idea is to hold it in my mouth and fiddle with my tongue. Like my normal stemming is to talk audibly which does bother me in a way. It is not exactly appropriate in a lot of situations and I always have people tell me to shut up. I never found it helpful to physically move either. My Wonderland has worked, but only if I can balance it with my tasks. I wonder if what C. S. Lewis said was anything this deep. This is not fear its anxiety. Putting away childish things would be to accept my autism and my need to stemm. To put away childish things including the fear to be like a child. "Any one who welcomes this child welcomes me." Paraphrasing from memory of course. (Mathew 18:1-5) That is my favorite passage. The reason this is my deepest wish is because it takes an enormous weight off of having to stem with my imagination. Yes, I made the impossible happen. I even had people ask me how I stemm and why its not noticeable. In College I was able to take notes and so I used little areas to write my thoughts and my emotions on paper. I even sketch noted things. In a lecture this works marvelously I was even able to recall better because I could balance everything. My coping strategies although very weird can be effective. I can put up a rather desperate fight against my emotions. When things crumble my pacifier does not stop these emotions. Instead it does something even more important. It makes it a whole lot easier to go through these emotions instead of resisting them. With my pacifier I can go through the emotions before it ever becomes drastic. I hate having to excuse myself to the bathroom when ever I have to in normal outings. By the time I get to the bathroom; I bottled it up to the point it takes longer. I think the underlining question is not whether it bothers people. I am still bothering people when I am occupying a stall. The real question is, can I come up with a simple, "how far can I go with it?" If I can be modest about it then it won't be a problem. Some simple ground rules right? I did ask this on a support forum for those who use this as a coping strategy. I thought I would explain this here as well to also have a Christian perspective as well. If I am going to slowly immerse myself into using this out in the open then I will need to be open about why. What better place then the forums? Side note I do apologize for posting in this part of the forum a bit more often then I probably should. I did bring this up before due to it being part of my art. I may not have gone in this much detail though. I spent an hour on making this shorter. How did that happen? SIGH

That one would be too easy. Those are copyrighted characters. Of course I would turn that one down. I have to give you a broad example because I know too many artist. Like an OC female with another OC Female. When I was at Bronycon there were many times when people where announcing a marriage like LGBT commitment. However, I have to hand it to ya. You did have a rather clever answer to begin with. "State that you are unwilling to do explicit imagery and that any and all commission requests can be taken up or turned away by your choice with or without explanation." The cake baker had every right to turn down the commission he did. However, he should have said that he has the right to turn anyone down without explanation and left it at that. Instead of stating his religious beliefs. Kind of painted a target on himself didn't he? Thanks for replying!

Like instead of talking about it they just go silent on these thoughts they have until its too late. I am grateful that people chose to talk about it to some one or anyone instead of giving up. Too many people ended their lifes in the pony fandom only because they were bullied badly. Yes, see a therapist. Talk to a spiritual counselor. Anything, but ending it all! We are on the same page I can assure you on that

Point taken. You can't blame me for desiring a person to talk about it instead of bottling it up?

Thats kind of my point. You were willing to talk about it. You had some one listen instead of being told to be silent and take it to a therapist. Are therapist more suitable? Most certianly, but if one does not know how or have the money to then they should be taken seriously and be allowed to voice their dark thoughts and be comforted.

In all fairness I am not questioning if.... I just find the non-stop of these responses to be a bit distracting. My therapist cost a lot because of cov-19 limiting me to online resources. If people are here to talk about their problems and or willing to open up about these dark thoughts then perhaps they don't have the money for a therapist. If they can talk about it then there is always hope. Faith the size of a pebble remember?

Can we take this thread a little more seriously as a conversation? No one is planning to end their life. If they were, the certainly would not be talking about it here. Why risk some one finding it and talking them out of it. I certainly was not wanting to talk about it when I faced dark thoughts like, "my life has no meaning." Lets get back on topic shall we?

I don't think I got to this stage of denial. If that is what you mean, but I have fallen into dangerous thoughts before. Weird part is I was really calm about it. So much so the emergency room just sent me home. Basically I was in a very dark place where I was convinced my life was without any reason to live. However, other than being extremely depressed I had no desire to end my life. Of course I was taken to the emergency room after the night God invaded my mind. To keep the story simple. If you all have not noticed I am infamous of walls of text. My family became concerned about my wonderland and my coping strategies. I found my imagination to be very helpful in solving my problems. I enjoyed my tulpas soo much that I made my wonderland sound real. Like people were convinced that I thought I could go there and talk to sentient beings. . Basically I was pressured to give it up. It was annoying at first because people only trashed my FB posts about my wonderland. My public diary was on My Diary dot Org at the time. I switched to Blogger because I really wanted to include my art and projects. Back to the story though. In my diary I wrote my wonderland in kind of a story form. This is how I began with it in 2008 roughly. I wrote letters to my wonderland and pretended that I got letters back. Eventually I would immerse myself in my wonderland in the form of my babyfursona name LP2Lily or Lily for short. This scared people so I eventually got demoted from admin in the Christian Pony-fan group I helped out with. Then I was bombarded with messages saying I was living amongst demons. (NOT THE CASE) So, just to see what would happen I cleared my mind and mentally detached myself from my wonderland. Basically I created an imaginary void. Unfortunately this is where things turned very dark. This void filled with very depressing thoughts and I lost control of it. Out of desperation I tried to imagine my wonderland again, but I could only see the dark void. No stars, the feel of the cave home I had was gone, even the comfort of my tulpas thoughts were silent. Then God invaded and said, "I have everything under control." I fell asleep and woke up to my mothers call. . I remember writing a wall of text about how my life became a void of meaninglessness not worth living and I was hurt by how she thought everyone was right. My father did not know of what was happening and this is one of the very few times he got angry with my mother. Like my parents are very close and still go out on some very romantic dates. My mother apologized to me and told me she realizes that this is part of my coping strategies. I obviously quit putting my wonderland out in the open. I only mention events every so often. For the most part though this became my private diary and my public diary now is just to write about my life as an imaginative hobbyist. It took a while before I could clearly envision my wonderland again. I still get with therapist every so often as a precaution. I kid you not though. This void was so emotionally painful that it was like a family member I was close to died. I now openly accept it as my calling in my imaginative craft. This is how I make my craft tell the most vivid of stories. I still have people tell me my story is destined to become a great seller, but I removed people from my life that tried to demonize my imagination. I only keep people who encourage me to improve it. Well I sort of kept this simple. SIGH!

I apologize for another wall of text but......... With how the modern day culture defines oppression things are not easy. Not even in the slightest bit. If you even disagree then you are oppressing a culture. For artist like me I am scared of the day where I will be accused of oppression because I simply turned down a commission. Its been tricky to really find time to keep improving my art and writing. However, I know I am improving. I was able to take several references and merge physiology to create something solid for my tulpae named Molly. She is an anthro cat/fox hybrid. The piece I did was the first that I really liked. Even Molly herself approved. I really want to do traditional art on many mediums. I enjoy mixed media because it really challenges what many think may or may not be possible. With my skills in electronics and wood work slowly becoming adequate I have no doubt the area I hope to do traditional art in. Metal is a little more difficult then wood, but not impossible. I prefer to clamp a piece of scrap wood onto something like 300 grit sand paper to work a metal panel. I prefer to have tooth go in one direction. when the opacity is minimal the reflection of light shows the brushed metal look in a wonderful way. Metal panels are traditionally used for holding the controls of a musical synth. I am very hopeful that both my MIDI to CV module prototype and my book series in scify fantasy will progress wonderfully. This is my calling after all. . So where does oppression come into play? The fact that a cake baker can so easily be sued over his freedom of expression is scary. With this being pride month its really hard not to think about that. Given the right circumstances if I turn down a commission because its homosexual or otherwise something that I am not comfortable with; scares me. I want to paint murals on large wooden cabinets for people. I want to create custom made panels for people who are building their own custom synth cabinets. Who knows I may even one day become blessed enough to learn how to build large custom made amplifiers and stage equipment. I often get the, "go the Church painting rout," suggestion. Here is the thing though, I am all for donating time to giving a Church a painting or service. However, when a tube of paint cost a hundred dollars and my color pencils cost three hundred for a complete set its not exactly feasible for me do something free all the time. My area of specialty is fantasy anthro creatures. This fits the day care and kids corner a little better. Pretty sure a Church is not going to want a mixed media piece that cost a lot because it might not last. The fandom My Little Pony, the fury community, and even the Kandi cultures are a bit more accurate for my line of work. However, the Liberal culture is a little thicker in these areas. . For the most part I would like to know how do I say no or explain that I am not comfortable doing custom art for some ones synth rig that involves LGBT. Let me be very clear about something though. I really don't mind building a cabinet if they can find some one else to do the art they want on it. I find this to be discrimination and I will work with anyone who is willing to pay for my time. I just don't want to be forced into participate in something that the Bible clearly says is sinful. I actually started this month by putting up on my FB that I am protesting this very thing. My peaceful protest is rather simple. I am staying off Face Book and I am avoiding anything related to pride month. More importantly though I am trying to meditate on Gods word. It has not been easy because I been trying to do my daily chores. Keeping ontop of my projects is tricky. I also wanted this to be a time when I really could ask God for how I can prepare for the storms that are undoubtedly going to come from being an artist in the electronic and artistic subcultures. I lost motivation in my search for scripture on this. I know this has become a wall of text to explain all this. I do apologize for posting these more often then I should. I am hopeful you guys can provide me with direction on where and how I should meditate on this. . . Side note I hit depression a few times this month because my sleep patterns got knocked around. When this happens I lose track of taking my medication. Recently I solved this problem by making sure I take it at noon or before 1:30pm to make sure I get it before nightfall. My antidepressant causes my leg muscles to spasm. Its not enough to be noticeable visibly, but it is enough to make it near impossible to sleep. My mother said she is going to be in town because my brother has a doctors appointment. He has severe autism in turrets syndrome. I am the sibling with higher functioning autism in aspergers syndrome. So, I been under pressure to make better for my life ever since I was little. My parents are wonderful people, however they want me to be safe and without need for food and shelter. If that makes sense. Going to college with a Job has been what they wanted for me and they told me a the beginning that my dream to be an author and an artist was not going to work. To be fair God has given me an incredible amount of material that will prevent me from creators block. The real struggle right now is financial. I managed to buy over half of what I needed to prototype my synth module. I over spent on fixing a recent mistake I made with the power supply. I am very faithful that this will be resolved so I am paying it no attention other than switching my focus to suit what I have. I just really need advice on how to go about these storms that I know will come. How do I defend myself from a law suit on LGBT issues?

Thanks for the tip. I used Libre Office to write up my response hints why the web page scripts auto fixed it in a weird way. It was a tad bit late at night and I really did not feel like fixing it. I find MS word hard to use because they won't make up their minds on where to put everything. Also I became a pony fan back in 2007-08. I was hooked when I saw how Pinky Pie treated Minty even though she made a mistake with the Christmas Tree star. Those were the good days where the fans did were not so heated over something as insignificant as the color of Vinyl's eyes or what gender Vinyl was. The story plots were basic, but I thoroughly enjoyed the one about learning to dance in the clouds. Sky Wishes and Star Catcher made the most adorable friends. I have to admit I found the stories in FIM to be wonderful too. Took me forever to get used to the new Pinkie Pie. Like turning down the volume when ever there were a lot of screen time for her. I personally prefer Vinyl to be a male with feminine traits for the same reasons as this entire threads existence. Also I adore the idea of Vinyl and Octavia being romantically involved. I play guitar/bass, cello, and piano/synth. I am still in the process of building the MIDI to CV module for my synth mind you. However, I will be practicing true synth when its done and I have at least one VCO to practice my scales with. I can worry about polyphonic when I have the second module built. I can't wait till I have the money to start on the Cabinet. Needless to say I am very fond of Octavia and Vinyl scract. Also I loved Pacifier Glow the Rave pony in the Saddle row review. Very short screen time and the fandom gave her the name. The whole stolen art by Misty what ever the artist name was. I think he actually did that one though. I bought it as a print and a badge from him in person at Baltimore Mariland. I only came close to abandoning the fandom once. Primarily because people would not stop getting in my face about cannon theory.

Had to write this up in a text editor because there was a lot to respond to. I have not disappeared yet. At least last time I checked the mirror. Also Chicken Coop I think some one needs to let you out. I think you went crazy with the hens and their nonsense. X) First off some context I have been fighting depression in the last few days. I basically had my sleeping patterns thrown way off partially because of it. Also because I been trying to wake up at 8am at least to take my anti-depressant. My medication makes it very hard for me to sleep. So taking it in the evening is not the brightest idea. I do apologize for vanishing for a few days. Also those who know me from when I started a good while back. I had to vanish because life became very hard. My class in tech school became toxic to me mentally. While I can turn off a computer and go into my imaginative wonderland to deal with my problems this was not so with school. I was yelled at for becoming confused. Then I was yelled at more for being slow. After becoming severely depressed I lost who I was. I started yelling back. I even came very close to getting into a fight with some one over whether depression and autism existed. If it was not for the other students I probably would have been kicked out. I actually was scared after reading my private diary one day. There was a moment where I was coherent enough to think. Off topic, but Important When I read a past diary entry I made I noticed that I was in a very dark place. I have not come that close to dangerous thoughts for a couple years. Last time I was like that it was because my family thought I my coping strategies were dangerous and asked me to leave my imaginative wonderland behind. I was up one night imagining my wonderland. I was so scared because the only thing I could see was a dimly lit place. No stars no objects or organic life. I tried really hard to imagine it there again. Not even my imaginative tulpas were there. Then I felt Gods presence and I felt him say, “Everything is under my control.” I was at peace and I was not scared like I was. After seeing a therapist for a little while I began to regain my coping strategies back. I was able to imagine my wonderland again and the tulpas that I loved. Back onto the main story Basically this darkness that I had observed was slowly creeping back. My first attempt at pulling myself out of the class did not work. I was told to give it just a little more time. Then things got worse and I put my foot down. I asked for the paperwork for my financial aid and was pleasantly surprised that I did not owe anything. I did not even have to pay back the money I used to get the electricians tools I needed. Once again I started seeing a therapist. I am seeing one online that is a Christian based website. My parents are helping pay for it. With cov-19 its not exactly possible to see one in person. Although I am still facing days of depression, I do see myself recovering and even having the motivation to write my books I hope to publish. I am also working on my Modular Synth I hope to sell kits for. Back on topic First off let me reply to anynmsfmly. This one is rather difficult to explain and I would like get out of the way first. I hope you take the time to really learn what Brony’s are about there is a lot of wrong formation out there. Yes, Scootaloos aunts are lesbians and so is Lyra X Bon Bon. I do not agree with this and I don’t fallow cannon theory for this reason. Cannon means a proved story based theory. Like when the animators and script writers either make something completely clear or they announce it on some sort of platform such as Equestria daily. Not everyone is happey about Season Nine when things got destroyed by poorly written shipping. Shipping is when two characters are put together in a romantic way. Let me clear up what is not true though. My Little Pony became a gender neutral show for both boys and girls. There is no hidden agenda to transform girls into boys. For the record this is a sub group of the pony fandom. The pony fandom is very big. There are well into the hundreds of conventions. I only been to one two years in a row. It was the Baltimore Maryland convention. We liked to call it the Baltimare as a play on words. The atmosphere there was very reasonable. They even had gendered bathrooms unlike the other places in Baltimore. You were not forced to use the restroom with the opposite gender. I even read my Bible out in the open in the hallways separating the panels. No one said anything and I did not even get a look from anyone. Actually I did get one. It was by another fellow Christian who was interested in my life as a Brony. There are very dark places in every fandom and subculture. Even Christianity has some dark places. Like for example; the new 2020 Christians who believe in the Salvation minus the Bible. Yes there are Christians out there who firmly believe the Bible is flawed by mankind and they pick and choose what they believe. Some even do questionable things I can’t mention on this forum. Neeldess to say I hope everyone takes the time to learn just how valuable the Pony Fandom is. I met some wonderful Christian people in it. One person I looked up to as a mentor for a little while. He was our head admin for the Brony’s For Christ Face Book group. We had wonderful Bible Studies. Case in point; don’t knock it till you try it! Willa I find your story very informative if not very relevant to my issue. I am not sure I agree with the dress as a Christian analogy. I find Christianity to be much deeper than that. Gods word separates bone from morrow after all. However, I do know what you meant. The way America is so divided over the color of ones skin is very disappointing and sad. I suppose in my case with my own persona I should know that its not about colors or ones passions. Its about ones heart and their purpose driven life. Furry Christian I don’t have a lot of time to read over the article, but I will make time as soon as I can. Right now I have my apartment to clean and art/writing to do. Not to mention my study in electronics for my DIY Modular Synth Project. I do apreciate your kind words. It is beyond wonderful when I run into other furry’s and Brony’s. Love the photo of your Fursona/suit BTW. BeauJangles You can’t get rid of my that easily XD Ddisconnect Saved the best for last. I find your response very insightful. This is basically why I was confused. There are hints in the Bible for the Roles of men and women, but if your not married it matters very little. The Levitical law actually works very differently now that we are under the new covenant. It is really interesting how Jesus and salvation changes even something as simple as a dress code and dietary things like pork and other meats. I think the reason why I am still not too sure of myself is because I hate the way I feel when I dress or use a cultural masculine stuff. All through out my high school and a good portion of my college years I was bullied. The only way I was able to stay positive is with my coping strategies that I developed over the years. The smell of irish mens soap (The Green bar) actually makes me emotional because it brings back things I really don’t want to be thinking about. However, I am finding that its not how things look, how they smell, or their persona that makes them male or female. Its their function in a family. In conclusion I really do find all of your words insightful and helpful. I hope all of you take the time to learn how my coping strategies work before judging them. There is a very spiritual connection in how I use imagination. For the record I do not believe God is a Tulpa. He has proven himself real to me in ways my tulpas never could. Basically I acknowledge that my imaginative coping strategies are just what they are. They are an imagined expression of who I am on the inside. Both age and gender does not matter in my imaginative escape because it hits on something that God has gifted me. Actually I am surprised God has not appeared in front of me to tell me just how hard headed I can be with my fears. Oh ye of little faith why did you doubt. Pretty sure that would be the day I would be convinced God had a sense of humor.